chuckie_egg Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Hi wanted to share my story with you and hoping that someone can offer some advice. My parents split up 11 years ago due to my dad having an affair, my dad left home and stopped all contact with myself and my brother. He never tried to contact us, never came to visit us when my mum was ill and married the woman he was having an affair with and never even told us he had, we found out through a neighbour. Three years later i moved away and my dad started contacting my brother and they would meet once a week. Now my brother is getting married and i expected my dad to be coming to the wedding. I knew it would be difficult for me seeing him at the wedding. In the past 11 years ive probably only seen him 4 times and never in public its always a secret from his wife that he meets up with me. Now his wife has decided to come to my brothers wedding - this is a complete nightmare i cant stand the woman she split my family up. I understand that its my brothers day and he wants to spend it with loved ones but that woman been there it makes me so mad i think he is been disrespectful to my mum inviting her. I feel scared about meeting her and my dad at the wedding im worried im going to get upset in front of people im trying to be as strong as possible but its hard Link to post Share on other sites
sugarbritches Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 I have no respect for a man that would let his current wife keep him from seeing his children, there is no reason for him to secretly see you. He needs to man up and remind her that he has children!! Also Not being mean but his wife didn't break up the marriage, your father did. He had a choice, he choosed to have the affair. She was guilty too, but she wasn't married to your mom, he was. try to remember that this is your brothers day and its not about her, its about your brother. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredReality Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Meeting her doesn't mean you have to interact with her. She's made sure your father hasn't had a relationship with you for the past 11yrs. He allowed that, though, so your anger towards her should be shared with him as well. He's a grown man, he should be able to tell her he will spend time with his kids if he feels like it. That aside...it is your brothers day...if your mom is going to be there, stay by her. Chance of the two of them coming and spending much time around her are slim...and then you can concentrate on supporting her instead of worrying about them. They are just two more guests at the wedding...YOU don't have to talk to all the guest or interact with all of the guests...and you get to leave whenever you want...so if it's too much pressure don't stay long after the ceremony! Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyLady13 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 This was 11 years ago. I know this had to have really torn up your mother for quite a while (and you too) but this is your brothers day 11 years later. I understand being angry and I can totally understand you not liking the woman your dad had an affair with. I don't think anybody expects you to be best friends with her or like her. And if your dad played a disappearing act in your life, I don't think anybody expects you to be all forgive and forget with your dad suddenly. Stick with your mom and be around the people who you feel comfortable with. For the day of the wedding, be cool and bite your tongue. There will be plenty of ordinary days after the wedding to feel the way you feel from all of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Goldenspoon Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 I understand that its my brothers day and he wants to spend it with loved ones but that woman been there it makes me so mad i think he is been disrespectful to my mum inviting her. Tell your brother that. Tell his soon to be wife about the breaking up of the family too. Your sister in law might be able to convince your brother not to bring a home wrecker to the wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 A thought. 11 years ago you were a child. You were not privy to what really happened between your parents or during their divorce. I have heard of stories where fathers "turned their backs" on their children because of the behavior of the mother, because they believed in their hearts that NOT being in contact caused less strife and heartache for their children. I was reading on another board the other day about a mother who isn't allowed to see her adult D in the hospital, bc of a bunch of crap that the father told the child as a teen. All in all, divorce is heartbreaking, but it definitely causes turmoil and behaviors that we never could have imagined. So - that said - your brother obviously has a relationship with your father. Your father obviously has a relationship with his second wife. This is your brother's wedding, and it actually is nice to see that he believes in the institution of marriage and the hope of lifelong love, even after being the product of divorced parents. So try to stay calm, talk to your brother about trying to plan arrangements so that you and your mother can be as far apart as politely possible during the festivities, and have an open heart and mind, if only for your brother's sake. 5 mg valiums are helpful, too. Btw, his OW/wife didn't "break up" your family. There are always 4 sides to an infidelity story - the MM, the BS, the OW, and the truth. She participated in actions that made the marriage very unstable and perhaps unfixable - but only the partners in that can answer that question. But it was not solely HER fault. Marriages and relationships are very complicated things, and decisions are often made that are hard to imagine, looking back. Link to post Share on other sites
Faded_x Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 Is it going to be a big wedding? If there's enough people there, you shouldn't even have to interact with them if you don't want to. Even if it's a smaller wedding, just stick with your mother, and I'm sure you'll be fine. You don't have to go around talking to everyone. You're better off keeping the peace and staying away from them, rather than having an uncomfortable and possibly volatile conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredReality Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Btw, his OW/wife didn't "break up" your family. There are always 4 sides to an infidelity story - the MM, the BS, the OW, and the truth. She participated in actions that made the marriage very unstable and perhaps unfixable - but only the partners in that can answer that question. But it was not solely HER fault. Marriages and relationships are very complicated things, and decisions are often made that are hard to imagine, looking back. Loved the whole post, but this last paragraph caught my eye - GOOD POINT! SOOOOOOO true!! So often we get caught up in blaming whoever it's easiest or less painful to blame - in this case it's much easier for you to blame her and call her the homewrecker...when in fact there were three people involved. I am not saying your mom was responsible or anything, but she was there and the breakdown of the marriage did involve her in one way or another. Rarely is any one person infallible in any situation, so at this point, it's been 11 yrs...if you can at all, let go of the anger. Towards all of them. 11yrs can change a person entirely...My father cheated on my mom and hit her, slapped her around a bit...he did awful things to her and to my older sister...only a fraction of the things that he did to me. After the divorce and everything he literally wasn't a part of my life for a good 4-5 years. I eventually rationalized that the love I felt for him as my father wasn't unreasonable, that I could forgive him (not for his sake - but for mine) and I could move forward. I decided I wanted a relationship with him and I began calling him. I called him - he rarely called me...we moved and the calls were long distance....I didn't see him for over 5 yrs. When I finally did he was somewhat of a different person - still him in many respects, but life and his choices had changed him some. By the time he passed away he was a very calm, much more emotional person. The last time I saw him he cried when we parted at the airport...not something the guy I knew as a kid would ever do. I had to realize the things that happened in my parents marriage were not problems I needed to carry around with me forever. The pain he caused my mom - I didn't need to hold a grudge about that. I needed to have my own relationship with him - not that I condoned it, nor did I even necessarily "forgive" those things - not at all - I just didn't dwell on them or allow them to cause ME any more pain than they already had. The only person being punished by that was me anyways...it's not easy to let go of those things, but once you do, it's quite liberating. Like I said, 11yrs is a long time...if you are at all able, you should try to stop letting it affect today...it will decrease your stress very much. And of course...like Lucky One said - there's always valium!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 Loved the whole post, but this last paragraph caught my eye - GOOD POINT! SOOOOOOO true!! So often we get caught up in blaming whoever it's easiest or less painful to blame - in this case it's much easier for you to blame her and call her the homewrecker...when in fact there were three people involved. I am not saying your mom was responsible or anything, but she was there and the breakdown of the marriage did involve her in one way or another. Rarely is any one person infallible in any situation, so at this point, it's been 11 yrs...if you can at all, let go of the anger. Towards all of them. 11yrs can change a person entirely...My father cheated on my mom and hit her, slapped her around a bit...he did awful things to her and to my older sister...only a fraction of the things that he did to me. After the divorce and everything he literally wasn't a part of my life for a good 4-5 years. I eventually rationalized that the love I felt for him as my father wasn't unreasonable, that I could forgive him (not for his sake - but for mine) and I could move forward. I decided I wanted a relationship with him and I began calling him. I called him - he rarely called me...we moved and the calls were long distance....I didn't see him for over 5 yrs. When I finally did he was somewhat of a different person - still him in many respects, but life and his choices had changed him some. By the time he passed away he was a very calm, much more emotional person. The last time I saw him he cried when we parted at the airport...not something the guy I knew as a kid would ever do. I had to realize the things that happened in my parents marriage were not problems I needed to carry around with me forever. The pain he caused my mom - I didn't need to hold a grudge about that. I needed to have my own relationship with him - not that I condoned it, nor did I even necessarily "forgive" those things - not at all - I just didn't dwell on them or allow them to cause ME any more pain than they already had. The only person being punished by that was me anyways...it's not easy to let go of those things, but once you do, it's quite liberating. Like I said, 11yrs is a long time...if you are at all able, you should try to stop letting it affect today...it will decrease your stress very much. And of course...like Lucky One said - there's always valium!! You said that much better than I did - thank you for adding the detailed explanation. People do change, and the things that we see as being so black and white as young adults blur into gray as we age. Life tends to have fuzzy edges! Link to post Share on other sites
lovelylove Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 I am your mom- I mean my ex left me and deserted his kids 8 years ago for a coworker. He is a nasty man, and she is a selfish, mean woman, to this day. Any contact that has been attempted towards them has been met with bitter rejection. So I do know it's possible that your father and his new wife could be just icky people (deep down I believe everyone is good, but sometimes it's VERY buried)... One thing I've noticed is it's a lot easier to blame the other woman than to accept a father's rejection... for that reason I don't argue when my kids blame her, I remain silent. It's heartbreaking for me to see the father of my children act like he couldn't care less if they lived or died, it would be easier if I could believe she was behind it. It breaks my heart, it really does, that families are torn up like this... and it makes future what-should-be-joyous events and holidays awkward and anxiety-provoking. I agree with the valium Pray for forgiveness, hold your head up, ignore them, and just get through the day somehow. It took me YEARS to get rid of the utter HATE I had for them rejecting my children, but finally, somehow, my heart cleared. My ex has NOT mellowed out with age, he's become even more selfish and harsh, and my children want nothing to do with him. I doubt he'll be invited to any weddings. I'm so sorry, I'm glad you posted here, there are so many caring, understanding people here to support you. Life is full of hard times like these- you'll be okay sweetie. xoxoxoxoxox Link to post Share on other sites
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