d-day

[Spark1111]

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aceliapse.....and your point is WHAT EXACTLY???:laugh:

[Star_Bright]

Wow. This whole sitch is so messed up. It seems to me that you don't really want him (during your whole post you keep saying that you didn't fight for him, didn't "make" him do anything to choose you over her, you sent him back home?! Really?!), and he doesn't really want you either (he stays put at home with his wife when he had every opportunity to come to you). Maybe you both just like the drama? Because this is not love. I don't even read you saying you love him- just that you need him/are attached to him. That may be co-dependency but it's not love. What just makes me so very very sad is this quote:

 

As soon as he left I called his wife (she wanted to come with him so she could hear him tell me it was over with me) I told her he told me why he was sent here but instead he told me he never wanted things to end with me, that I'd always have his heart no matter what. I told her I would leave him alone because knowing that I have his heart is enough for me. That she will have him back physically but every time he has a far away look in his eye she will know he is thinking of me. I told her how he treated me like gold. Of all the presents he bought me, of how often we had sex (about 50 times in 3 months (she asked) and of how well he treated me. I answered every question she had and was honest about all of it. But I didn't soften any of it. I straight up told her everything her husband had promised me, said to me. and she was devastated all over again. And I felt horrible about that but I wanted him to HATE me because I hurt his wife and told her the entire truth.

 

That was so incredibly cruel! You were just saying you wanted to do the right thing and you know what the right thing is. But you downright cruel to her for totally selfish reasons. Wow.

 

I am not judging you, I have been an OW, I have been selfish too. I'm just judging that action of saying those things to his wife... it was totally and completely out of line. What did she ever do to you to make you feel like you had a right to gloat like that to her? Wow.

 

Like others I think your MM sounds like such a baby. He is selfish, he is hurting his wife, rubbing it in her face, and you are going along with it. You are no longer just an OW but an accomplice to his cruelty to her. Why?! If he wants out, he should leave. If you really want him, it's ultimatum time. Tell him not to talk to you until he is yours and only yours. Then you'll see where his heart really lies. In the meantime, you're becoming just like him, and hurting her right along with him, not just as a "casualty" in terms of you wanting to be with him and he's married to her, but you are actively participating in him further hurting someone who has been devastated. If you are doing this because your ultimate goal is to be with him, then just tell him how it is, that you want to be with him, but not like this. ("There has to be a better way?" This is not a better way! This is the worst way possible!) And why do you even want to be with him? He is so cruel and selfish. Don't become like him... run away!

[Confused4Now]

What you did to his wife was wrong.

 

You could have told her what OM said without rubbing her nose in all the details of the affair. You said it yourself, your purpose in that was to get OM to hate you. How selfish of you.

 

If what you say is true, OM sounds like a straight up d*ck to his wife and a cry-baby towards you. What do you find so attractive about this guy?

 

You may have OM's "heart" but so what? Normally I would say that you can do much better than this guy...but you tortured BW with details just so OM would hate you. Who knows? Maybe you two are meant to be.

I will tell you this....I left my marriage almost 3 years ago. I had to be a dick no matter what to my ex..she was abusive and borderline bi-polar. She did find out about my MW cause I told her. It was not hard cause I wanted her to know I was serious about leaving her. It still didn't matter. To this day she still wants me back and she still tries to control me. Sorry no thanks.

 

It might sound harsh...but I'd rather someone be harsh to me and tell me the whole truth than candy coated and soften things up. I would still think I'd have a chance or hope that things could still work. My ex gets it now. I'm not coming back. We are co-parents and friends she is finally realizing we got married for the wrong reasons.

 

Not only that...the sooner his W gets he's done with his marriage the sooner she can begin healing and start her new life. The one thing I see around here is people staying pain for a long time.....and that to me is even more unhealthy than being brutally honest.

 

BTW...in case nobody knows my story...I moved out right away and started my divorce. All this happened after my actions showed I was serious about leaving my marriage.

Edited February 23, 2011 by Confused4Now

[2sunny]

he's a cake eater - plain and simple. he gets both as long as YOU allow it.

 

you going to allow it? allow him to treat two women he says he loves like crap? his crappy behavior has brought him a life of crap! you want to sit in his crap? go ahead - let us know, because i won't be capable of watching while you toss happiness aside for a man that SAYS he loves you - then ACTS with unloving behavior.

 

he only loves himself. get used to THAT if you stay.

[Confused4Now]

he's a cake eater - plain and simple. he gets both as long as YOU allow it.

 

you going to allow it? allow him to treat two women he says he loves like crap? his crappy behavior has brought him a life of crap! you want to sit in his crap? go ahead - let us know, because i won't be capable of watching while you toss happiness aside for a man that SAYS he loves you - then ACTS with unloving behavior.

 

he only loves himself. get used to THAT if you stay.

Well all that matters is his actions right? Yeah so I was a cake eater for 2 years before I left and I was a total emotional mess. It's so easy to say all of this when I remember where I was. I can relate to this man. Problem is we always hear the woman's side of it and never the guys side. It's always the same candid answer. I guess I'm just different than most guys.

[Star_Bright]

I will tell you this....I left my marriage almost 3 years ago. I had to be a dick no matter what to my ex..she was abusive and borderline bi-polar. She did find out about my MW cause I told her. It was not hard cause I wanted her to know I was serious about leaving her. It still didn't matter. To this day she still wants me back and she still tries to control me. Sorry no thanks.

 

It might sound harsh...but I'd rather someone be harsh to me and tell me the whole truth than candy coated and soften things up. I would still think I'd have a chance or hope that things could still work. My ex gets it now. I'm not coming back. We are co-parents and friends she is finally realizing we got married for the wrong reasons.

 

Not only that...the sooner his W gets he's done with his marriage the sooner she can begin healing and start her new life. The one thing I see around here is people staying pain for a long time.....and that to me is even more unhealthy than being brutally honest.

 

BTW...in case nobody knows my story...I moved out right away and started my divorce. All this happened after my actions showed I was serious about leaving my marriage.

 

How is his wife going to get used to the fact that he's not leaving the marriage if he is not, in fact, leaving the marriage?? He's staying with her and rubbing the affair in her face. You have to admit that's not a healthy way to deal with things! No one said his wife was abusive and bi-polar... sounds like that's a better description of this MM than his wife from what we know of her, which is very little, and we are seeing it all from the OW's eyes (and OW never said the wife was mentally disturbed in the least???). I'm sorry but I feel like you're projecting a little bit of your own story/yourself/your wife onto this story. MM is telling his OW he's telling his wife he wants to leave, but all we know for sure is that he hasn't left, he is still living with her, and still married to her. That is not someone I think this OW or anyone should be with. He needs to figure himself out! It took you two years to figure it out Confused4Now... I understand that, but that is a long time for this OW to wait. She needs to focus on why she needs this MM so much and two years is a long time to waste waiting for someone to straighten up. IF he ever does.

[Star_Bright]

Well all that matters is his actions right? Yeah so I was a cake eater for 2 years before I left and I was a total emotional mess. It's so easy to say all of this when I remember where I was. I can relate to this man. Problem is we always hear the woman's side of it and never the guys side. It's always the same candid answer. I guess I'm just different than most guys.

 

I really don't understand. So by your actions you were a cake eater for 2 years. By this guy's actions, he is a cake eater. (He is staying married, and staying in the affair. Classic definition of cake-eating.) So 2sunny is right... he is being a cake eater. Until his actions prove differently, and even then, I'm betting it would be because his wife finally gave up on him and threw him out. I guess I just don't understand what advice you're trying to give to the OP? Wait and see what his actions show her? Her actions are showing her that he had the chance to be with her and he is still with his wife. What is there to wait for? If his actions change then she can consider being with him, but she knows he's capable of dealing with things in this horrible manner, so I don't know why she would want to be. ?!

[Confused4Now]

How is his wife going to get used to the fact that he's not leaving the marriage if he is not, in fact, leaving the marriage?? He's staying with her and rubbing the affair in her face. You have to admit that's not a healthy way to deal with things! No one said his wife was abusive and bi-polar... sounds like that's a better description of this MM than his wife from what we know of her, which is very little, and we are seeing it all from the OW's eyes (and OW never said the wife was mentally disturbed in the least???). I'm sorry but I feel like you're projecting a little bit of your own story/yourself/your wife onto this story. MM is telling his OW he's telling his wife he wants to leave, but all we know for sure is that he hasn't left, he is still living with her, and still married to her. That is not someone I think this OW or anyone should be with. He needs to figure himself out! It took you two years to figure it out Confused4Now... I understand that, but that is a long time for this OW to wait. She needs to focus on why she needs this MM so much and two years is a long time to waste waiting for someone to straighten up. IF he ever does.

Well I'll say this...we don't know what goes on in the MM home. Yeah I might be projecting a little...but I'm also telling it from a guys perspective. I've been there and I was a mess too. Do I think he can handle it in a better way hell yeah. When your emotions are running high people do stupid things. I will say this.....he would be better trusting his love for this woman and telling her to go live her life while he sorts his mess. If its meant to be it's meant to be.

[Calli]

I feel for you, I've been in your shoes. However, you have only known him 3 days short of 3 months and he has been married to his wife for over 20 years. Really think about what you want, he might not be worth it.

[Confused4Now]

I really don't understand. So by your actions you were a cake eater for 2 years. By this guy's actions, he is a cake eater. (He is staying married, and staying in the affair. Classic definition of cake-eating.) So 2sunny is right... he is being a cake eater. Until his actions prove differently, and even then, I'm betting it would be because his wife finally gave up on him and threw him out. I guess I just don't understand what advice you're trying to give to the OP? Wait and see what his actions show her? Her actions are showing her that he had the chance to be with her and he is still with his wife. What is there to wait for? If his actions change then she can consider being with him, but she knows he's capable of dealing with things in this horrible manner, so I don't know why she would want to be. ?!

Isn't that what I said? It's all about his actions right? And I'm saying things are not that simple.

[miranda3379]

Thank you all for your replies. even the harsh ones. I needed that. I know that our little affair is mostly comprised of fantasy. But some of it was real as well. The love we feel is real and yes I still love him. It has only been five days since D day. So its not as though most ppl just pack up and leave right away and he has 20 years with her. He is worried about her emotional state (she doesn't eat or sleep and apparently cries all the time) I have been there (not as extreme but close) from a relationship where my fiance just came home one day and told me it was over. No warning or anything (when I look back there were signs) There was another woman involved but he waffled back and forth and I didn't know about the other woman at first.

 

I was brutally honest with his wife- and I know this sounds ridiculous- in order to make her husband hate me. That maybe if he hated me and didn't want me anymore he would be able to save his marriage because that would be a more attractive option with me gone. I had been honest with his wife from day one when she called me. I did it because (not to hurt her) I WOULD WANT SOMEONE TO TELL ME EVERYTHING THAT WAS THE TRUTH. I didn't think MM would do it because he doesn't want to hurt her (or be in deep sh*t) and he thought he could soften the blow. I've seen that happen in almost every cheating relationship i've been in or heard of. The truth never comes out at first and when it does it is devestation all over. So while he may be at home (I sent him back because he felt so guilty over the way he abruptly left and was afraid she might kill herself if left alone) He says now it is a waiting game until she gets the anger stage of grief. At this stage she will be able to function and he will leave. Maybe he's lying to me.

But one thing I know for sure is that he's not trying to work on his marriage and he doesn't want to let me go. He is doing things right in front of his wife (like with the many phone calls and texts that she can clearly see) and he says he's doing this because he's told her he doesn't want to work things out and wants her to not have any false hope. He has told her (she said this to me too so I know he told her) that he loves me and misses me and wants to be with me. She begged me to just leave him alone and stay away from him so she can try to get him back.

 

Yes, I feel terrible. But I love him and as long as he is true to his word (that he is leaving) I will probably stick with him (ducks) I know he sounds like a terrible person from what I wrote and maybe he is. But I know if he just picked up and left and abandoned her and she did something crazy, he would never be able to live with himself. So instead he is at home keeping an eye on her and meanwhile still letting her know he is not cutting off contact with me. (which is what she demands) and she knows by his actions that he doesn't not want to work out the marriage. Like I said it has only been a few days and I'm not sure how you can end a 20 year marriage in a week. He said he knew if he ever cheated on her she would leave him if she found out and now she says she thought she would but she just can't. I have never been in a situation like this and I'm sorry for the hurt that my part has caused and continues to cause. maybe I should just walk away. I just don't know.

[Star_Bright]

Well I'll say this...we don't know what goes on in the MM home. Yeah I might be projecting a little...but I'm also telling it from a guys perspective. I've been there and I was a mess too. Do I think he can handle it in a better way hell yeah. When your emotions are running high people do stupid things. I will say this.....he would be better trusting his love for this woman and telling her to go live her life while he sorts his mess. If its meant to be it's meant to be.

 

I agree with you 100% here.

 

I guess you were empathesizing with the MM and trying to give a different take on that perspective, which I can understand. But because this thread is by/about the OW, I feel the bolded advice is the best. Because if he really does have love for her and wants to treat his wife with any amount of respect then he needs to sort it all out himself first before dragging both of them through the mud.

 

Thanks for the further explanations, confused4now. I wasn't trying to argue with you, I was just confused4asec (ha ha) about what you were trying to say and why.

[Star_Bright]

You really sound all over the place here? Are you in counseling? It's helped me figure out myself, and what I wanted to do in terms of exMM and life in general, a lot, so I recommend it.

 

It has only been five days since D day. So its not as though most ppl just pack up and leave right away and he has 20 years with her.

 

To me it sounds like you are giving him excuses. If he really wants to leave, here's his chance. To me it's that simple.

 

He is worried about her emotional state (she doesn't eat or sleep and apparently cries all the time)

 

Now this is just plain untrue. If he was worried about her emotional state, he would not be texting and calling you in front of her! He would sit her down and have an adult conversation and say "Wife, I'm leaving you for OW." That is, if he knew what he wanted and had the courage to act on it. What he is doing to her is NOT caring at all about her emotional state and is only making it worse.

 

I have been there (not as extreme but close) from a relationship where my fiance just came home one day and told me it was over. No warning or anything (when I look back there were signs) There was another woman involved but he waffled back and forth and I didn't know about the other woman at first.

This doesn't justify what he's doing. And in fact it makes me wonder how you can help him inflict this pain on her when you have been in her shoes? I understand that at first you didn't think about her, she didn't exist... but now she does, you said it yourself, you see reality now, and therefore you are actively participating in hurting her. This is why I said you're all over the place. What you say doesn't match up.

 

I was brutally honest with his wife- and I know this sounds ridiculous- in order to make her husband hate me. That maybe if he hated me and didn't want me anymore he would be able to save his marriage because that would be a more attractive option with me gone.

 

I don't buy this. You wanted to hurt her or you never would have said that bit about "every time he's with you physically, he'll be thinking of me." And even if I did buy it, it's still a selfish reason to tell her. If you wanted the marriage to be a more attractive option to him, you didn't have to hurt her like that to accomplish it... you should have just left the picture. Taken yourself away as an option. That would be a sure way to accomplish your goal, without hurting her like you did. See what I mean?

 

I had been honest with his wife from day one when she called me. I did it because (not to hurt her) I WOULD WANT SOMEONE TO TELL ME EVERYTHING THAT WAS THE TRUTH.

 

I have no beef with you telling her the truth. But you did more than that. You gloated. And you don't know that it's true that he'll be thinking about you when he's with her, forever and ever. You were three months, she has been 20 years, and, right now, he's with her. I am not trying to take her side, but what you've been saying isn't logical, and I'm just trying to point that out to you. Telling her the truth when she asks is one thing, but being smug and gloating is another. You can't act like a saint when you're not, plain and simple. You have to own your own part in this if you are going to see your way out of it.

 

So while he may be at home (I sent him back because he felt so guilty over the way he abruptly left and was afraid she might kill herself if left alone)

 

You should let him make his own decisions. Don't fall into the motherly role or you will be in it forever. If he wanted to leave her, he needed to man up and do it, not be sent back home by you.

 

He says now it is a waiting game until she gets the anger stage of grief. At this stage she will be able to function and he will leave. Maybe he's lying to me.

 

Maybe. And in the meantime you are just waiting to see what he's going to do. I think you should go live your life and see what he actually decides to do based on his actions, not words. I also think it's cruel of him to try to make her angry so that he can leave. He needs to just leave or not leave and stop letting other people dictate his decisions/actions.

 

But one thing I know for sure is that he's not trying to work on his marriage and he doesn't want to let me go.

 

He definitely doesn't want to let you go. But you don't know for sure that he's not trying to work on his marriage. You only know what he tells you. He is probably working on his marriage and his affair. He could very well want both, just like he's had for these last three months. You have no way of knowing.

 

He is doing things right in front of his wife (like with the many phone calls and texts that she can clearly see) and he says he's doing this because he's told her he doesn't want to work things out and wants her to not have any false hope.

 

Then he should leave!! By staying he is giving her hope. Words versus actions. Words versus actions.

 

Yes, I feel terrible. But I love him and as long as he is true to his word (that he is leaving) I will probably stick with him (ducks)

 

I would just advise you to give yourself a time limit because you could be waiting on him forever while he does a back-and-forth dance with his wife. I have BTDT. I am trying to tell you this to help you, not chastise you. I am trying to get you to see that this is your life and you are giving it to a man who is, by his own words, waiting around for his wife to get mad at him enough that she wants to get divorced. How long could that take?! Don't you want a man who wants to be with you and only you, right now, and not have it depend on what some other woman wants to do?!

 

I know he sounds like a terrible person from what I wrote and maybe he is. But I know if he just picked up and left and abandoned her and she did something crazy, he would never be able to live with himself.

 

Ridiculous. She could still do something crazy. He could text you and she could fly off the handle that way. And so if you think she will only do something crazy if he leaves her for you, what if she/he always uses that threat? He will never be able to be with you because she will always do something crazy if he leaves? Do you not see the bad logic there? He can't control her actions and you can't control his. You all need to focus on yourselves for awhile here.

 

So instead he is at home keeping an eye on her and meanwhile still letting her know he is not cutting off contact with me. (which is what she demands) and she knows by his actions that he doesn't not want to work out the marriage.

 

maybe I should just walk away. I just don't know.

 

All over the place. Do you want to stay or do you want to walk away? If you are not okay with the situation, just back off, give it some time. Tell him to contact you when things are stable and he can actually give you the love you deserve. If you think you deserve this as love, then, continue on. I do wish you the best.

[thomasb]

Wow, I think you are both a piece of work. But, if he wishes to leave a marriage of 20 yrs for someone he has only known for less than 90 days ,he is a smuck. Good luck, I think you will need it! You may think you love this guy. But a loving relationship is not built in less than 90 days!

[seren]

Wow!! I hope that his wife has some friends or family to give her support and then that she packs all her husband's stuff and delivers him to your door and then begins to put her life back together again. Reading the description of how you told her about the A, I thank god for the dignity and respect the OW had when we discussed the A, despite her hurt at H just texting it's over, she answered my questions with thought and compassion and I her.

 

I have read many OP threads on here and I don't recall one that has such a sense of 'gloatiness' or confusion. I understand you are in love and that it is early days, it sounds like you are young and perhaps don't imagine the dynamics of such a long relationship and possibly didn't mean to cause her pain, but you undoubtedly did. The mind pictures she will have will torture her for many years. I hope she can move on and I hope you will take your time. 3 months is just the early days getting to know each other time, his actions toward his wife don't sound like he is a very compassionate man, but I maybe wrong. I hope for your sake that I am.

 

We (XBS) all say it, but you really have no idea what's going on in their house, he may very well be saying that he fears you will do something to yourself, believe me, the lies that go on in and after A's are simply endless.

[Carrot2000]

 

But I know if he just picked up and left and abandoned her and she did something crazy, he would never be able to live with himself. So instead he is at home keeping an eye on her and meanwhile still letting her know he is not cutting off contact with me.

 

Huh? Do you realize that what you wrote makes absolutely no sense? He's staying with her to keep her from doing something crazy, yet he's blatantly engaging in behavior that might lead her to--do something crazy. And you're justifying his actions because his cruelty to her benefits you an boosts your ego. Sick. Just sick.

 

This man is a lying, disrespectful muthafunker. Miranda, please start thinking more of yourself ; I sincerely hope you don't believe that another woman's deceitful and down-right evil azz husband is the best you can do. You're about to cause unnecessary upheaval in your life for a three-month old relationship.

[bentnotbroken]

Yup, relax. Most people usually do after they aid in the flipping another person's life upside down. No big deal right he is so worth it.

[Star_Bright]

Yup, relax. Most people usually do after they aid in the flipping another person's life upside down. No big deal right he is so worth it.

 

Ha ha. Yeah seriously, right?!

 

I don't know anyone who could relax after D-Day. When it happened to me I was an absolute mess. It certainly makes you think about everything a lot more clearly in some ways. Which it seemed at first that it was causing OP to do, but now, the posts are so muddled. But I definitely don't see how she or anyone in this situation could relax.

[thomasb]

Wow!! I hope that his wife has some friends or family to give her support and then that she packs all her husband's stuff and delivers him to your door and then begins to put her life back together again. Reading the description of how you told her about the A, I thank god for the dignity and respect the OW had when we discussed the A, despite her hurt at H just texting it's over, she answered my questions with thought and compassion and I her.

 

I have read many OP threads on here and I don't recall one that has such a sense of 'gloatiness' or confusion. I understand you are in love and that it is early days, it sounds like you are young and perhaps don't imagine the dynamics of such a long relationship and possibly didn't mean to cause her pain, but you undoubtedly did. The mind pictures she will have will torture her for many years. I hope she can move on and I hope you will take your time. 3 months is just the early days getting to know each other time, his actions toward his wife don't sound like he is a very compassionate man, but I maybe wrong. I hope for your sake that I am.

 

We (XBS) all say it, but you really have no idea what's going on in their house, he may very well be saying that he fears you will do something to yourself, believe me, the lies that go on in and after A's are simply endless.

 

 

 

The detailed description of the poor wives reaction has definite over tones of SHADENFREUDE. I think the author of this post needs to look a little more deeply into her feelings of inadequacy, which are evidenced by her behavior. I can't even think of the so-called 'mans' treatment of his wife. It is sociopathic. I couldn't treat a dog I'd had 1 month in that way... let alone a wife of 20 years.

[thomasb]

Okay, BB. I was a former WH. It has been almost 13 yrs since my affair. If you don't like what I say put me on ignore.

But I am so very glad that the day I confessed to my dear wife the hand I was holding held a slap and not a Kleenex. The truth set me on a path to living my life with honesty, integrity, and decency.

I see myself now as a father of 5 and the grandfather of 7. Perhaps that perspective has me a tad more protective of the family unit. And maybe just a little more angry that some low life would do this to my daughter. I hope with all my love for Christ, I have raised her with more self worth and self confidence to never involve herself in this situation. But, as a parent and a God fearing man I refuse to not stand up for truth and decency.

[woinlove]

. As soon as he left I called his wife (she wanted to come with him so she could hear him tell me it was over with me) I told her he told me why he was sent here but instead he told me he never wanted things to end with me, that I'd always have his heart no matter what. I told her I would leave him alone because knowing that I have his heart is enough for me. That she will have him back physically but every time he has a far away look in his eye she will know he is thinking of me.

 

It sounds like you have been in abusive relationships, you say you feel completely lost without this MM you have only been with for a few months and you mention feeling hate. What you write above seems hate-driven and is very sad very all involved, including for you. I think you will be much happier if you learn to love yourself. Focus on yourself and what makes you feel good and proud of yourself, content within yourself. When you discover that, you will want to touch others in a more positive way and that will make you feel even better. Counselling can help and would be a valuable investment if you find a good one.

[bentnotbroken]

There is nothing she can do at this time. Events are unfolding and she is not going to be privy to what is happening.

 

And maybe he is worth it. And maybe the OP believes he is worth it. It is not our place to judge.

 

It is however on the OP to decide what her next steps are and stop all this drama. People who love each other don't play with each other's emotions.

 

It is unfortunate that there was a d-day but perhaps something good can come out of it.

 

The OP needs to take care of herself and ready herself for what the future brings. This includes thinking straight and making decisions that SHE feels are in her best interest.

 

 

UH-huh.

[whichwayisup]

I was brutally honest with his wife- and I know this sounds ridiculous- in order to make her husband hate me. That maybe if he hated me and didn't want me anymore he would be able to save his marriage because that would be a more attractive option with me gone. I had been honest with his wife from day one when she called me. I did it because (not to hurt her) I WOULD WANT SOMEONE TO TELL ME EVERYTHING THAT WAS THE TRUTH.

How can you say this above and then say the below?

 

. As soon as he left I called his wife (she wanted to come with him so she could hear him tell me it was over with me) I told her he told me why he was sent here but instead he told me he never wanted things to end with me, that I'd always have his heart no matter what. I told her I would leave him alone because knowing that I have his heart is enough for me. That she will have him back physically but every time he has a far away look in his eye she will know he is thinking of me.

 

That last part I bolded was truly unnecessary to say to her, almost like a final push of the knife into her heart. You feel awful but at the same time told her the truth, well YOUR version of the truth, who know what his is, yet you kicked her when she was down. Just a very cruel thing to tell her, she really didn't need to hear that last line there. There's telling someone the truth and owning your own part in it, then there's telling someone the truth and being mean about it.

 

I hope you find peace within this mess. Whether you end up with him or not, I strongly suggest you seek some one on one counselling to help you cope.

[Snowflower]

This is the OW forum, not infidelity.

 

Should the W post in the infidelity forum, this will probably be helpful.

 

However, this is not Infidelity, this is the OW forum and it is an OW seeking solace.

 

If you have constructive advice for the OP who is here posting, let's hear it. If not, perhaps you should read Midori's posted note at the top of this forum.

 

If the OP was not talking in great detail about her experience with the BW in her situation then I would agree. If the OP was just talking about her relationship with the MM and no references-let alone detailed ones-about the BW then I would agree.

 

But, the OP is talking in great detail about/to the BW, so it makes sense that people from the other side of the fence will chime in.

 

Please, let's not derail this thread into another one of those about who can and cannot give advice. It is a public forum!

 

OP, I hope you are finding some of the responses here helpful or at least food for thought. Be very careful about this MM...if he can treat his wife so cruelly, guard your heart because he will very likely do the same to others whom he supposedly loves.

[whichwayisup]

Be very careful about this MM...if he can treat his wife so cruelly, guard your heart because he will very likely do the same to others whom he supposedly loves.

 

I agree completely. Look how AWFUL he's treated his wife of 20 years! The woman he said vows to infront of their family and friends. The woman who had his children. If he can do that to her, don't ever fool yourself into thinking he won't do that to you. All that history and family entwined, a life built and look how crappy he's been to her. How long has your affair with him been going on? sorry I can't remember.