d-day

[Snowflower]

. So while he may be at home (I sent him back because he felt so guilty over the way he abruptly left and was afraid she might kill herself if left alone) He says now it is a waiting game until she gets the anger stage of grief. At this stage she will be able to function and he will leave. Maybe he's lying to me.

 

 

Ah, the old "if I leave I'm afraid she might kill herself" excuse. It's right there in chapter 7 of the Cheating Husband Handbook. Yes, it's most likely a lie/excuse.

 

Look, your MM is ill-equipped to deal with his wife and her emotions right now. If he is that concerned for her state of mind, why doesn't he have a friend/family member come stay with her for now? That way his wife won't be alone and can have some support.

 

If he is truly concerned for her well-being, there are trained crisis counselors available to deal with this--and they will do a much better job than the average person. Why doesn't he call someone for support?

 

Maybe you should suggest this to him.

 

I'm sure your MM is an absolute mess right now and maybe this well help. He is missing you and has to be with her. Maybe he hasn't thought of getting her some support--he can't "watch her" alone 24/7; especially if he doesn't even want to stay with her.

 

Good luck!

[TigerCub]

O But, as a parent and a God fearing man I refuse to not stand up for truth and decency.

:laugh:

were you god fearing when whoring around on your wife?

[2themoon&back]

I will tell you this....I left my marriage almost 3 years ago. I had to be a dick no matter what to my ex..she was abusive and borderline bi-polar. She did find out about my MW cause I told her. It was not hard cause I wanted her to know I was serious about leaving her. It still didn't matter. To this day she still wants me back and she still tries to control me. Sorry no thanks.

 

It might sound harsh...but I'd rather someone be harsh to me and tell me the whole truth than candy coated and soften things up. I would still think I'd have a chance or hope that things could still work. My ex gets it now. I'm not coming back. We are co-parents and friends she is finally realizing we got married for the wrong reasons.

 

Not only that...the sooner his W gets he's done with his marriage the sooner she can begin healing and start her new life. The one thing I see around here is people staying pain for a long time.....and that to me is even more unhealthy than being brutally honest.

 

BTW...in case nobody knows my story...I moved out right away and started my divorce. All this happened after my actions showed I was serious about leaving my marriage.

 

WOW bravo for you !!

 

I think you are so right no matter what side of the A you are on, HONESTY accompanied by ACTION= less pain !!

 

I think this has got to be such a great comfort for everyone involved, less guess work, less self analyzing and self doubt.

 

My xH, told he no longer wanted to be married to me, harsh words to hear, easier though than what had gone on for years, me questioning what was I doing wrong and why wasn’t anything I was trying to do to save the marriage working and him lying saying he was trying (he was not—he now admits this) Once the truth was spoken, I also could forgive a lot faster and easier. LESS PAIN !!!

 

He had exited the M years earlier emotionally, but once he was honest, it made sense and I was able to move in a positive way without looking inward and trying so hard to re wire myself, to fit an impossible situation due to fact I did not know the whole truth.

 

Miranda, trust yourself, if it feels like half truths it is half truths, if you feel confused, it is most likely because you are being spun around till you are off balance to stay confused, usually giving the OP time to figure out what they want. Take a step back and listen to your gut, not saying going NC and all, just say how you really feel(the truth), say what you want(the truth), and say you what you need to feel safe in the situation(the truth). If MM, does nothing to support you in these things you know it is all up to you, Take Care Of Yourself, you do it better than anyone !!!!

[thomasb]

:laugh:

were you god fearing when whoring around on your wife?

 

Certainly not! And thank the dear Lord I was steered back in the right direction. At that time I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without feeling sick. So although I know this is a jab, I can now say I feel very good about myself and where I stand with God, my wife and my children. Any more questions?

[findingnemo]

When OP started the thread, she didn't know what was going to happen after the d-day. Many said he would not leave a W of 20 years for someone he'd known for less than 3 months. Really??? I'm confused:confused:. In another thread, most people said that an MP who leaves an affair usually does it immediately - under 6 months. Some people disagreed saying that however much MP wants to leave, there is some business that needs to be taken care of.

 

The OP then posted what happened next. In her case, the MM (after her harsh but TRUTHFUL talk with BS) admitted that it was true but he is still home with BS. Is he a scumbag? Probably. But the fact that the marriage has been on for 20 years is enough to make a person psycho for even thinking of leaving!!! Can we put ourselves in this man's shoes for a minute? I am not being the devil's advocate - I am just saying that there is a possibility that this man has an emotional conflict regardless of knowing what he must do.

 

It can happen that a BS threatens suicide or even to kill the kids if there are any. Why are we assuming that BS is 100% ok while MM is weak, selfish or plain nuts? W also vacillated between leaving and staying given the information she now has tells me that W wants the marriage to go on regardless of what happened. I need someone to help me understand what would make W after 20 years take this sh*t???? The MM has been open (reluctantly but nevertheless he has fully disclosed all) at this point. If it is true that BS is threatening to kill herself, what would you have the man do? Leave now??

 

Miranda, you need to grow up like someone posted and stop hoping that you will not get blamed. You will be and you are being blamed. The situation may be graver than you think. Take this man seriously when he says he is worried about his W's mental condition. It will cost you nothing. On the other hand, should she commit suicide your R with MM will NEVER survive the guilt. I don't know what kind of community you live in but you may never live this one down. When things are calmer, please take another look at your R and decide whether or not to pursue it. This is not the time to tell MM that you are going NC and to discuss who lied etc. After all, you are equally responsible for the chaos occuring right now. My worry is that if you go NC, MM and BS may do something terrible and no matter how you spin it, you will be left with the blame. So help him, help her and salvage something for yourself in the future. I cannot believe the pain going all round. This situation is very serious and is not the common d-day/leaving scenario. It has gone a bit too far, IMO.

[Confused4Now]

WOW bravo for you !!

 

I think you are so right no matter what side of the A you are on, HONESTY accompanied by ACTION= less pain !!

 

I think this has got to be such a great comfort for everyone involved, less guess work, less self analyzing and self doubt.

 

My xH, told he no longer wanted to be married to me, harsh words to hear, easier though than what had gone on for years, me questioning what was I doing wrong and why wasn’t anything I was trying to do to save the marriage working and him lying saying he was trying (he was not—he now admits this) Once the truth was spoken, I also could forgive a lot faster and easier. LESS PAIN !!!

 

He had exited the M years earlier emotionally, but once he was honest, it made sense and I was able to move in a positive way without looking inward and trying so hard to re wire myself, to fit an impossible situation due to fact I did not know the whole truth.

 

Miranda, trust yourself, if it feels like half truths it is half truths, if you feel confused, it is most likely because you are being spun around till you are off balance to stay confused, usually giving the OP time to figure out what they want. Take a step back and listen to your gut, not saying going NC and all, just say how you really feel(the truth), say what you want(the truth), and say you what you need to feel safe in the situation(the truth). If MM, does nothing to support you in these things you know it is all up to you, Take Care Of Yourself, you do it better than anyone !!!!

Thank you..you must be my exW...heeeheee just kidding. People who were married like me 20+ years it takes a long time to unravel all the years together. When you have people flip flopping all over the place it's no wonder there are forums created like this one. Yes it took me 2 years to get out of my mess. However today I'm a very happy person with all the emotions of the divorce put behind me. Even though I didn't end up with my xMW. I knew if our love is/was strong we'd meet somewhere down the road. That hasn't happened yet. It is what it is....

 

Miranda focus on yourself....that's the main thing. I can assure you my divorce and A was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. I got focused on myself went to IC and trust me there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[TigerCub]

Certainly not! And thank the dear Lord I was steered back in the right direction. At that time I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without feeling sick. So although I know this is a jab, I can now say I feel very good about myself and where I stand with God, my wife and my children. Any more questions?

 

No, no more questions.

hallelujah!!!

[bentnotbroken]

When OP started the thread, she didn't know what was going to happen after the d-day. Many said he would not leave a W of 20 years for someone he'd known for less than 3 months. Really??? I'm confused:confused:. In another thread, most people said that an MP who leaves an affair usually does it immediately - under 6 months. Some people disagreed saying that however much MP wants to leave, there is some business that needs to be taken care of.

 

The OP then posted what happened next. In her case, the MM (after her harsh but TRUTHFUL talk with BS) admitted that it was true but he is still home with BS. Is he a scumbag? Probably. But the fact that the marriage has been on for 20 years is enough to make a person psycho for even thinking of leaving!!! Can we put ourselves in this man's shoes for a minute? I am not being the devil's advocate - I am just saying that there is a possibility that this man has an emotional conflict regardless of knowing what he must do.

 

It can happen that a BS threatens suicide or even to kill the kids if there are any. Why are we assuming that BS is 100% ok while MM is weak, selfish or plain nuts? W also vacillated between leaving and staying given the information she now has tells me that W wants the marriage to go on regardless of what happened. I need someone to help me understand what would make W after 20 years take this sh*t???? The MM has been open (reluctantly but nevertheless he has fully disclosed all) at this point. If it is true that BS is threatening to kill herself, what would you have the man do? Leave now??

 

Miranda, you need to grow up like someone posted and stop hoping that you will not get blamed. You will be and you are being blamed. The situation may be graver than you think. Take this man seriously when he says he is worried about his W's mental condition. It will cost you nothing. On the other hand, should she commit suicide your R with MM will NEVER survive the guilt. I don't know what kind of community you live in but you may never live this one down. When things are calmer, please take another look at your R and decide whether or not to pursue it. This is not the time to tell MM that you are going NC and to discuss who lied etc. After all, you are equally responsible for the chaos occuring right now. My worry is that if you go NC, MM and BS may do something terrible and no matter how you spin it, you will be left with the blame. So help him, help her and salvage something for yourself in the future. I cannot believe the pain going all round. This situation is very serious and is not the common d-day/leaving scenario. It has gone a bit too far, IMO.

 

 

Which is always a possibility in cheating situations. It had gone too far when they started the A. Though no one is responsible for the BS actions but the BS, the OP and the MM have done some things that neither of them appears willing to face or accept responsibility for. This is love? God help us all.

[thomasb]

No, no more questions.

hallelujah!!!

 

 

Whatever, Uh , turns your apples red.

[TigerCub]

Whatever, Uh , turns your apples red.

Not sure what that means...but uhm...hope your apples are red too?

[TigerCub]

I'm very sad reading this. If he's telling you the truth, it just seems extra cruel to me that he's taking this path. Rub it in her face until she's angry enough to leave HIM. He can't pull the trigger, which, again if it's true, would be the kindest thing he could do in this situation.

 

I think that's the crappiest part of this post.

This guy claims that he's worried about the W's feelings and that she could even be suicidal, yet he rubs the A in her face, that's so cruel and it certainly doesn't show any caring for her feelings.

 

Its just plain cruel.

[whichwayisup]

I think that's the crappiest part of this post.

This guy claims that he's worried about the W's feelings and that she could even be suicidal, yet he rubs the A in her face, that's so cruel and it certainly doesn't show any caring for her feelings.

 

Its just plain cruel.

 

It's situations like these that make people go off the deep end and do something they normally wouldn't do. Crimes of passion. When people are pushed past their emotional limit, they are capable of anything.

 

IF he truly cares about her wellbeing, he would involve her close friends and family to look after her. Also, hate to bring it up again, but it's like you both *say* you don't want to her her anymore than you have to, but both of you have taken low blow shots at her. You telling her what you did and now he is gaslighting her and treating her like she's stupid, making a fool of her.

 

He wants to wait to leave until she gets to her angry stage??? Ok...

 

He needs to sh.it or get off the pot.

[Star_Bright]

Really? Would you like to tell me how freaking out helps any situation?

 

Of course she's freaking out. But it's probably a lot nicer for her to read from someone calm down and decide what you want instead of the other really unhelpful posts she's getting.

 

And if she hears relax, take time out, she's alot more likely to do it than the other posts that are very negative.

 

Perhaps you should consider what will help, instead of inflame or cause worry.

 

I've been offering her my help and you called it knocking her down and told her to just relax. We obviously have very different definitions of "help." If you want to help her continue on in these delusions and this cruelty, go right ahead. I'm not here to fight (or to hand-hold), I was just pointing out that IMO relaxing is impossible right now. If I offended you, I apologize. I'll just not comment on your posts from now on because I don't understand them in the least.

[TigerCub]

 

He wants to wait to leave until she gets to her angry stage??? Ok...

 

He needs to sh.it or get off the pot.

 

I know!! I so don't get that part.

Wait till she gets to the angry phase?!

Its like constantly beating a dog until they bite you - then the bite would be the excuse to leave!

 

ridiculous.

 

If she knows, I just don't see why he can't just up and leave, pushing her to her limits (especially if he thinks she's suicidal) makes absolutely no sense!!

 

Its just cowardly - leave you douche!!

UGH!!

 

I get so worked up when I read this post...

[OWoman]

I have no D-Day experience, but it does seem to be to be a particularly cruel way to play it out. He is sending her very mixed messages by acting passive-aggressively with her, but not leaving. Dare she hope, or not? It sounds to me as if he is himself not clear on what he wants to do, and is hedging his bets so that he has a nice fall-back plan with both women still holding out hope that he will choose them.

 

His "managed exit" strategy was foiled, and he's found himself ejected before he was ready to leave. IME MM leave when they are ready to leave, and not before. His still being there suggests to me that he is not yet ready to leave. He may become so in time, but he's not yet there - and the rationalisations about his BW are just that - ways of pinning it on her rather than admitting to himself and anyone else that he's just not yet ready to leave. If he was that concerned about her, his behaviour would be rather different.

 

Miranda, this is your thread and not his, and my question to you is - what do you want? Do you want a R with him, or not? That is your decision to make, and yours alone.

 

If you want a R with him, tell him so, and tell him your conditions (whatever they are. Are you prepared to wait in the wings forever while whatever needs to play out between him and his BW plays out - even if that takes years? Decades?) and leave it up to him to qualify for a R with you - or not. You should be setting the terms here, not him. You are not a supporting role in your own life. It's YOUR life.

 

If you don't want a R with him, for whatever reason, walk away. You are under no obligation to him. You can dump him the same way you can dump any other R which is not working out for you. He's a big boy, he can deal with it.

 

But you need to decide, and you need to choose which course of action to take. Right now you're oscillating, hovering in the wings hoping that when you wake up everything will be resolved and you can simply get on with your life - you can't, until you make your decision and take the actions you need to take to set that in motion.

 

Good luck!

[findingnemo]

Which is always a possibility in cheating situations. It had gone too far when they started the A. Though no one is responsible for the BS actions but the BS, the OP and the MM have done some things that neither of them appears willing to face or accept responsibility for. This is love? God help us all.

 

Hell, this has nothing to do with love anymore. Now it is about Damage Control. We have heard about people who do the most stupid things in the name of love. When Miranda first posted I thought it was the normal case of "Oooops, I've been caught and it is over now". The best case scenarios (in such sits) are that either the MM or the BS leaves or the WS stops the affair. Here we have either 1) a MM who is pushing the BS a bit too far, or 2) a BS who is mentally unstable. Seems to me like a formula for disaster:eek:. Should that happen, I doubt that anyone will be discussing love. There are consequences of being in As that we never even consider.

[thomasb]

Hell, this has nothing to do with love anymore. Now it is about Damage Control. We have heard about people who do the most stupid things in the name of love. When Miranda first posted I thought it was the normal case of "Oooops, I've been caught and it is over now". The best case scenarios (in such sits) are that either the MM or the BS leaves or the WS stops the affair. Here we have either 1) a MM who is pushing the BS a bit too far, or 2) a BS who is mentally unstable. Seems to me like a formula for disaster:eek:. Should that happen, I doubt that anyone will be discussing love. There are consequences of being in As that we never even consider.

 

 

It has become a watching a train wreck scenario has it not. I really hope no one ends up physically hurt as well as the emotional damage already inflicted.

[Rose1977]

Miranda, I think the only thing you can do right now is get away from the situation and let whatever will happen happen. This situation is so full of high emotion, emotional abuse etc... that I don't think any of you can think straight enough to make a rational decision.

 

If he is going to leave, he will leave. If what he is telling you is true about what is going on in his home right now, he is basically reinforcing to his W that as long as she is "unstable" he will stay put. She will figure out quickly that if she continues to act that way he will continue to stay put. Not that I can fault her in the least for acting that way, as my behavior was quite similar after my BF's OW tormented me.

 

I think you just need to step back and not do anything until you are thinking more clearly and emotions have started to settle. After what you said to his W, you both are continuing to emotionally abuse her by carrying on in front of her face. If you both are concerned about her wellbeing, please stop doing this in front of her. If the two of you truly want to be together and it is meant to be, then you will be together.

 

IMO, he is using excuses to stay there, but I could be wrong, I am not in his shoes. I would think that anyone would question if they are doing the right thing leaving a 20 year marriage for a 3 month R. I think you are all confused and hurt right now, and it really doesn't seem any of you are in a position to make a decision that will have huge ramifications at this time.

[Waitress]

I have been following this thread and like others am kind of shocked by it.

 

The thing that I think is so disturbing is the OP doesn't seem to realize what she is doing and I think others construe that as not caring about the wife's feelings.

 

I think it is clear that the OP has a different take on intimacy than some others here. And I think she's probably very young and/or immature.

 

Her intention of helping the wife by telling her that her husband will be thinking of the AP, that she has this woman's husband's heart is completely misguided at best. I think somehow she doesn't know better. Some people are raised in environments where people use the truth as a weapon and it is all they know.

 

Planning a future together so quickly is kind of a crap shoot in the best of circumstances. But with someone who has a history of lying and cheating, well, I guess it is clear the OP is very unclear about boundaries.

 

I hope this doesn't seem too harsh but I hope the OP takes this as an opportunity to look inside herself, to do some soul searching.

[neveragain1]

She told him she was leaving and that she hated him and said she was sick because he didn't even seem to care and he never appologized. He told her she can live in the house and she screamed at him she wasn't accepting handouts from him.

 

I honestly think he should have told her the truth.

 

what do you expect, he is a cheater. that makes him an automatic liar.

 

 

I actually hated him somewhat today because I've been in his wife's shoes (with boyfriends) and they just lied right to my face even though I had evidence you want to believe the person you love and you feel like you are going crazy.

 

well then all the times you were with him what were you thinking? only now because he got found out you hated him "somewhat"?

 

 

That he's sad its over but wants to start over with me. I know he is crazy in love with me

 

and at one point in time he was crazy in love with his wife I'm sure, and the other woman he cheated on her with as well.

 

 

He's treated me better than anyone EVER has.

 

of course. he is a cheating male who has been married forever and he is going to treat any new face well because its exciting for him, for now.

 

 

I thought I would be happy when his marriage was over. But I feel so much guilt. I can't be happy at someone's misery. I don't know half of what she feels but I've been there myself (not as many years or anything close) and I'm so sorry for my part of this affair in hurting her.

 

well, at least you have those feelings, which most OW/OM on here do not.

 

 

What normally happens after d-day? To both partners- the OP and MP?

 

well since he is the man, she will get custody of the kids. He will be paying child support, she will get half the marital assets, and maybe even alimony(but its not a guarantee anymore)

 

he may want to be with you, but the pain of his lifestyle taking a dump due to the divorce may take its toll on his relationship with you. that and becoming a weekend dad.

 

or if he decides that the money isn't that important, hey may be just fine and will adjust to not having custody of his kids.

[Star_Bright]

 

well since he is the man, she will get custody of the kids. He will be paying child support, she will get half the marital assets, and maybe even alimony(but its not a guarantee anymore)

 

he may want to be with you, but the pain of his lifestyle taking a dump due to the divorce may take its toll on his relationship with you. that and becoming a weekend dad.

 

or if he decides that the money isn't that important, hey may be just fine and will adjust to not having custody of his kids.

 

neveragain- I think miranda stated that MM and his wife do not have any kids.

[miranda3379]

You really sound all over the place here? Are you in counseling? It's helped me figure out myself, and what I wanted to do in terms of exMM and life in general, a lot, so I recommend it.

 

 

 

To me it sounds like you are giving him excuses. If he really wants to leave, here's his chance. To me it's that simple.

 

 

 

Now this is just plain untrue. If he was worried about her emotional state, he would not be texting and calling you in front of her! He would sit her down and have an adult conversation and say "Wife, I'm leaving you for OW." That is, if he knew what he wanted and had the courage to act on it. What he is doing to her is NOT caring at all about her emotional state and is only making it worse.

 

 

This doesn't justify what he's doing. And in fact it makes me wonder how you can help him inflict this pain on her when you have been in her shoes? I understand that at first you didn't think about her, she didn't exist... but now she does, you said it yourself, you see reality now, and therefore you are actively participating in hurting her. This is why I said you're all over the place. What you say doesn't match up.

 

 

 

I don't buy this. You wanted to hurt her or you never would have said that bit about "every time he's with you physically, he'll be thinking of me." And even if I did buy it, it's still a selfish reason to tell her. If you wanted the marriage to be a more attractive option to him, you didn't have to hurt her like that to accomplish it... you should have just left the picture. Taken yourself away as an option. That would be a sure way to accomplish your goal, without hurting her like you did. See what I mean?

 

 

 

I have no beef with you telling her the truth. But you did more than that. You gloated. And you don't know that it's true that he'll be thinking about you when he's with her, forever and ever. You were three months, she has been 20 years, and, right now, he's with her. I am not trying to take her side, but what you've been saying isn't logical, and I'm just trying to point that out to you. Telling her the truth when she asks is one thing, but being smug and gloating is another. You can't act like a saint when you're not, plain and simple. You have to own your own part in this if you are going to see your way out of it.

 

 

 

You should let him make his own decisions. Don't fall into the motherly role or you will be in it forever. If he wanted to leave her, he needed to man up and do it, not be sent back home by you.

 

 

 

Maybe. And in the meantime you are just waiting to see what he's going to do. I think you should go live your life and see what he actually decides to do based on his actions, not words. I also think it's cruel of him to try to make her angry so that he can leave. He needs to just leave or not leave and stop letting other people dictate his decisions/actions.

 

 

 

He definitely doesn't want to let you go. But you don't know for sure that he's not trying to work on his marriage. You only know what he tells you. He is probably working on his marriage and his affair. He could very well want both, just like he's had for these last three months. You have no way of knowing.

 

 

 

Then he should leave!! By staying he is giving her hope. Words versus actions. Words versus actions.

 

 

 

I would just advise you to give yourself a time limit because you could be waiting on him forever while he does a back-and-forth dance with his wife. I have BTDT. I am trying to tell you this to help you, not chastise you. I am trying to get you to see that this is your life and you are giving it to a man who is, by his own words, waiting around for his wife to get mad at him enough that she wants to get divorced. How long could that take?! Don't you want a man who wants to be with you and only you, right now, and not have it depend on what some other woman wants to do?!

 

 

 

Ridiculous. She could still do something crazy. He could text you and she could fly off the handle that way. And so if you think she will only do something crazy if he leaves her for you, what if she/he always uses that threat? He will never be able to be with you because she will always do something crazy if he leaves? Do you not see the bad logic there? He can't control her actions and you can't control his. You all need to focus on yourselves for awhile here.

 

So instead he is at home keeping an eye on her and meanwhile still letting her know he is not cutting off contact with me. (which is what she demands) and she knows by his actions that he doesn't not want to work out the marriage.

 

 

 

All over the place. Do you want to stay or do you want to walk away? If you are not okay with the situation, just back off, give it some time. Tell him to contact you when things are stable and he can actually give you the love you deserve. If you think you deserve this as love, then, continue on. I do wish you the best.

 

 

thank you for your response. first I just want to clarify that I have spoken to MM's wife two times. The first time she called me. On dday. She wanted details. She was devastated. I appologized. Took her screaming told her I deserved it all. I told her the truth. The 2nd time I talked to her was 2 days later. She had sent him to my house (after I sent him home) to tell me it was over. He did not do this. he told me he wanted to leave HER and couldn't lose me. He told me that he couldn't face working things out at home because there was NOTHING left there. That he'd given up and he didn't mean to hurt his wife but he wanted her to move on and be happy again. I told him he needed to leave me alone (I didn't want to tell him this but after hearing his wife's pain for myself I wanted to set him free. He told me he couldn't lose me and that he would go home right then and get his stuff and move out for good if that is what it took to keep me.

 

I told him I would make him hate me (he thought this meant cutting off all contact) and he said he could never hate me and begged me not to do that. I acted like everything was ok and we kissed bye and were supposed to see eachother the next day. I knew I was weak (I love him) and if he wanted to continue to see me I would- just to keep the pain of losing him away,. So I did what I thought would make him hate me. I called his wife and I told her that I know he was sent to tell me it was over and that he did not. I did NOT say "every time he's with you physically, he'll be thinking of me." I wasn't talking about him having sex with her and thinking of me! I told her that I would walk away and they could work on their marriage (and maybe this is the gloating part) she asked me why I was going to do that after I'd told her I loved him. I told her because even though you will physically have him (he will live with her be there for her) He told me I will always have his heart. And that alone is enough for me.

 

THe rest of what I told her was in answer to questions I asked. She asked how I could possibly love him after three months and I told her how he treated me. That we made eachother laugh so much, that he bought me gifts, that we'd planned a life together (he bought me so much new stuff for my house- stuff that we picked out together becuase he planned to move in there) She asked about sex (if we had sex and how much) and I spared her the details. Just told her it was about 50 times (the truth) but I didn't gloat or brag or anything. She said hurtful things to me (that he only bought me stuff out of guilt, and other things that she thought would hurt me but did not. And I deserve her wrath. But SO DOES HER HUSBAND. and I told her that too and she said she wants to be mad at him but she just doesn't want to lose him. She has been with him since she was 16 years old (she was with other men before that so he's not her first)

 

I do feel terrible and part of me wants to just walk away. But I just LOVE him and I don't know why.

[Owl]

I do feel terrible and part of me wants to just walk away. But I just LOVE him and I don't know why.

 

So the question here is this...

 

Does your love for him justify contiuing to participate in the affair? In continuing to assist the the emotional devestation of his wife...who also loves him?

 

You can look at it the other way too...

Does her love for him somehow matter more than yours?

 

It's all something to consider.

 

The bottom line is this...you're now aware of what this is doing to her. You're aware of the stakes and the potential costs to everyone involved. Knowing that...do you continue the path your on, or do you change it?

 

What does your heart, your moral code, and your mind, and your own beliefs tell you to do?

[miranda3379]

How can you say this above and then say the below?

 

 

 

That last part I bolded was truly unnecessary to say to her, almost like a final push of the knife into her heart. You feel awful but at the same time told her the truth, well YOUR version of the truth, who know what his is, yet you kicked her when she was down. Just a very cruel thing to tell her, she really didn't need to hear that last line there. There's telling someone the truth and owning your own part in it, then there's telling someone the truth and being mean about it.

 

I hope you find peace within this mess. Whether you end up with him or not, I strongly suggest you seek some one on one counselling to help you cope.

 

 

I am sorry and I'm not trying to be defensive, just to explain the situation. What I told her were his exact words to me. Was he lying to me? Possibly? But the truth is he was sent by his wife to tell me it was over. He may have gone home and told her he did the deed. I wanted him to leave me alone (because I knew if he said he wanted to be with me, I would be all in because that was our plan all along.) the only way I could think to get him to leave me alone was to make him HATE me. I knew that telling his wife the truth was a good way to make him hate me. I didnt make up what he said. Was it cruel to her? Obviously from reading the responses it was unecessarily cruel and for that I am sorry. I didnt make it up. I told HER what her husband said and why I was letting him go. Because knowing I have his heart is enough. I did NOT tell her that he told me he is afraid to have sex with his wife because he's worried he won't be able to get arroused (not so much because he is thinking of me) but becuase he is used to me and he will also have it on his mind that if he instantly doesn't get arroused she will be thinking he is thinking of ME and that will upset her. I didn't tell her that he said he sees her as a roommate and would be happy if he could fix her up with someone who would make her happy and so he wouldn't worry about her. Those things would have been cruel.

 

Yes, I was in a relationship before him that turned unexpectedly abusive. Was with my fiance for 5 years and he had a son that I loved dearly and who lived with us. My fiance left me unexpectedly for another woman (no affair, he just wanted to date her) He told me nothing sexual happened and so did she. I believed them and I took him back and we were ok for a few months and then I started to have questions about the other woman and my fiance turned abusive. I have NEVER been physically abused in my life and the man I loved cornered me in our bathroom and screamed at me for two hours. I couldn't get away. I left him and he stalked me, threatened me and I had to get a protection order against him. I haven't seen him or his son since and thats when I met MM and he treated me like a princess. He protected me, kept me safe, cherished me like no one EVER has. That is why I'm hung up on him. Why did he fall for me so quickly? I don't know. I think he thought he found everything he's always wanted. It wasn't just about sex. He took care of me, risked so much for me. He would do anything for me. His only concern was my well being and happiness. I know its probably just a fantasy world we were living in but it felt better than anything I've ever had.

[woinlove]

I called his wife and I told her that I know he was sent to tell me it was over and that he did not. I did NOT say "every time he's with you physically, he'll be thinking of me." I wasn't talking about him having sex with her and thinking of me! I told her that I would walk away and they could work on their marriage (and maybe this is the gloating part) she asked me why I was going to do that after I'd told her I loved him. I told her because even though you will physically have him (he will live with her be there for her) He told me I will always have his heart. And that alone is enough for me.

 

 

I'm confused now. Are you withdrawing what you wrote earlier?

 

I told her I would leave him alone because knowing that I have his heart is enough for me. That she will have him back physically but every time he has a far away look in his eye she will know he is thinking of me. I told her how he treated me like gold.