I found the Heart of the matter

[meanon]

Maybe this is where a threesome would actually be useful. LOL!

 

:lmao:

 

Meanon, actually the fact is that most marriage counselling does not work, and reason #1 is that one partner is not committed to the process, only participating to placate their mate. (WSJ had an excellent article about this a month ago).

 

I've seen different studies - but I don't have strong views on it either way. I've seen it work on many occasions and a slightly higher proportion of truly dismal marriages come to an end by mutual agreement, despite the fact that both parties seemed committed at the beginning (a different form of "working"?). What's WSJ? I'd like to read the article.

 

Post on Samson - you add much to LS (in an entirely non-pathological, non-abusive, non-threatening way of course )!!!

[Samson]

Meanon: WSJ = Wall Street Journal. Article was printed, I believe, in early February. I cut it out and gave it to marriage counsellor who, the week before had discussed the very same subject, advising that, unless we are both committed to counselling, then it wouldn't work.

 

I'll continue to be as non-abusive as possible and walk carefully across the thin ice. Thanks Meanon

 

OOooops! Zara,

 

I thought I had omitted something from my suggestions about how postings from "sardonic counsel from male middle aged wastrels," should be tempered! Of course I could have posted the less than 5000 word disclaimer, but happily, we have also been forewarned that sardonic counsel also has a frequency or volume dimension.

 

Crossing these imaginary and arbitrary lines may result in cynacal expressions which spiralling, out of control, might lead "straight laced fem-dom" to conclude, heaven forbid, that we are less than delightfully amusing.

 

I'm guessing that giving each other a pie in the face will be the only remedy for such behavior!

 

Curmudgeonly,

Samson

[moimeme]

I think anybody who posted in the "sardonic counsel from male middle aged wastrels" forum would expect nothing less than the full weight of sardonicism from its denizens.

[zarathustra]

Maybe this is where a threesome would actually be useful. LOL!

 

 

As I'm sure Arabess can attest, the great majority of threesomes are better imagined than experienced.

[Wolvesbaned]

I once heard a saying in business class about leverage and negotiation, something about there being only 2 sides to a coin, you either have the leverage or you don't. I never thought this analogy could be used in marriage.

 

The other day we went walking and we established the 'meaning' of marriage. It's crazy how we'd never talked it out before. It was one of those things that's supposed to be understood but never verbalized. We'd made agreements about infidelity and argued the meaning of emotional affair, and established some boundaries --but other than knowing we loved each other and wanted to share our life together, it was never really defined. The last few days I had been searching for a meaning and found one in the posts of meanon and zarathustra. I feel comfortable about "helping your partner achieve what they want to as far as is possible" and "Fundamental agreement or compromise on the big issues, not sacrifice, lies at the heart of every lived marriage". We added equality and respect and of course trust. Having an actual understanding that we've agreed upon will hopefully act as a frame of reference for us, a boundary.

 

After reading more of your posts I found myself looking up the definition of commitment. Yet another word I wasn't exactly sure about and another definition we need to talk through. The blind is leading the blind. We really must have been unaware when we first married. It harder when there's no older couples to look up, no one to provide an example. It's pretty funny to think how we thought we had it all worked-out a few years ago, we thought we were basically wonderful. HA!!

 

Our current state: We're butting heads again. I know it's not a good thing. He can chill more than I can (even before it was obvious why, if I remember correctly) I guess I need to take a pill

 

Sorry for the 90's slang reference people, I couldn't help it!

[meanon]

I'm glad the posts helped, Wolvesbaned. Few people have the answers when they marry, you learn it as you go along.

 

Personally, I think if you have trust then one of the things you have to have trust in is the fact that the other person is genuine and committed to doing everything they can to stay in the marriage. Most people want their marriages to work.

 

If things get so bad that they are only staying in it as long as they get their own way (rather than not having the resources/insight to compromise), that's a fairly serious breach of trust.

 

It sounds like you are making progress and that you both have the trust that is so essential to achieve this type of change.

 

Keep the chill pills at hand . Good luck

[Wolvesbaned]

We've just broken through the "having no life outside of the house" stage into the "I'm alive again era". The problem at least for me, is the sequence of events that unfolded. My husband found a friend in a classmate (they shared many classes) which he says is a legitimate friendship. I have spoken to this girl twice and in our last meeting, we chatted for quite some time -- their friendship seems real. This is his first real gal-friend ever.

 

When he started getting close to her we were still in the "having no life outside the house era" and had more conservative views about friendships with the opposite sex. He wasn't fully aware of his views back then and spoke to soon of his intentions, meaning he would claim certain restrictions in a opposite sex friendship was OK but later changed his mind as the friendship got stronger. This literally made me crazy and to this day I feel deceived. All this happened not too long after our previous issues were becoming obvious (my anger, his lack of effort) and in a high-stress time in our lives regardless. We were already at a crossroads before the friendship and it only aggravated matters, especially for me.

 

My husband partially thinks of me a tyrant back in the days and he gives little inclination to his role in our "having no life outside the house era". I'm also dealing with lack of trust issues, though in my opinion he grossly exaggerates this.

 

In the spirit of trust, I've accepted the friendship. He was right when he said I would find nothing wrong keeping in touch with my old guy friends but for him it was an issue. A small detail he could not grasp is that I'm no longer great friends with my old guy pals, I've lost touch with them except for one (now technically 2).

 

The current issue at hand is going out. I agreed to him taking her out to eat. He wants to return a favor and engage in the act of real friendship by repaying her. Understanding the situation, I had no problem with it (the paying at least). He went out, told me before hand, came back before I got home and told me the details. No big deal right, I was able to sit through school without a doubt in my mind. But I'm not fine with it and now after the fact, I am picking all kinds of nits.

 

He says that if your heart is truly in it, it doesn't matter what the state of the relationship is, you won't start having feelings for someone else, you won't cheat. This is in response to my comments about timing and tact. It's also been clarified that it's both his character and love for me is what supports his views (I have doubts about the love and this is important to me -for obvious reason I suppose).

 

Given all that's unfolded, I have my guard up, I have my doubts. Instead of being sensitive to me, he takes my comments as a direct attack on his character. In the cross-fire of words, feelings have been hurt, which adds yet another piece to the bundle we're juggling. Except now I'm tired and in the change, I've changed too. Why are relationships so darn complicated?

[Wolvesbaned]

If things get so bad that they are only staying in it as long as they get their own way (rather than not having the resources/insight to compromise), that's a fairly serious breach of trust.

 

Thanks meanon, your insight gives me a lot to think about. The sun is shining today here, I think I'll enjoy the outdoors a bit. There's a sense of freedom in knowing what's coming --even if its just knowing you'll be OK.

 

Thanks gang! Have a great day!

[Samson]

A couple of things (well a lot of things) you've described sound very familiar to me.

 

I'm not fine with it and now after the fact, I am picking all kinds of nits.

 

Nit picking, the manufacture of mountains from mole hills, can really be wearing. After a while he'll react. How? Who knows? But perhaps you'd like to know how I reacted under very similar circumstances:

 

1. Quit giving you "nits;" simply not tell you about anything he's doing that might elicite "picking."

2. (sounds like he's getting here already:

he takes my comments as a direct attack on his character. In the cross-fire of words, feelings have been hurt

. Essentially, he gets pissed off.

3. He simply freezes, unable to distinguish a "nit" from his routine activity, afraid that he'll cause you to "pick," he'll play possum. Frankly, this has been my favorite strategy, and I've kept it up for years.

 

Problem with #3: Not a lot of fun.......so, many guys just skip this part and move onto #4.

 

4. He finds fun somewhere else.

 

Advise: Quit the picking and share your feelings. Unhappily, "sharing" doesn't mean reading a riot act, or "venting," or a protracted miniseries of two hour long, one sided conversations. This is what you can do with another woman, but not a guy. You must make it really simple for us (Two easy, comprehensive statements should suffice: " You doing 'X' makes me feel 'Y'." and ou continue to do 'X,' then I'm going to do 'Z.'"

[meanon]

You're welcome Wolvesbaned, I'm glad I could help.

 

Samson gives wise advice. Simplifying things, being very clear about what you want, sticking to the big things (your fundamentals), allowing lots of together time that is as uninfected by disagreement as possible (discussing the difficult things in discrete periods of time), explaining how things make you feel (rather than directly criticising behaviour): all or some of these may help.

 

Everyone has their own boundaries when it comes to friendships with the opposite sex, as you saw on the Emotional Affairs thread. I socialise with male friends. I'd never exclude my husband, though. Now he is happy to stay at home with the kids if I go out, or he is at work. In the past I'd see friends with him or when he was busy himself. When we were much younger there was the odd situation he felt uncomfortable with and I didn't do it again (e.g. he was OK about me going out with a friend while he was away, but a little put out when he discovered it had got so late they ended up staying over). Maybe the reason he was not threatened by my friendships was because he was not excluded. He once told me he was occasionally jealous but that it was his issue to deal with, not mine. I don't know if sharing this helps you any but if all the couples you know only have friends as a couple that may not help you when thinking about your situation.

 

The situation you describe does sound a little odd to me, but that may just be my experience. If it were me I would want to know: Why are you not welcome to join them? Is this an issue of friendships/freedom in general or is it all about this particular friend? Does he have close male friends, is she his only close friend? There may be no cause for concern but I can see why you have doubts.

 

Your husband says he loves you and you seem to doubt it. One of the things that can be very wearing in a relationship is seeing every issue as a test of love. By making it such, a very negative cycle develops with one person feeling constantly let down and the other feeling that they have failed a test they didn't know was being set. If you are feeling insecure and setting him false tests, try and look for the evidence of his love instead and appreciate it when you find it. If you see no such evidence tell him, not to challenge his word but to let him know you feel unloved despite the words. Maybe if you can regain trust in his love the compromises over the friendship issues will come a little easier.

 

Meanwhile you can only hope and try your best, trust your instincts, don't bury those doubts. Seek compromise to find a balance you can live comfortably with.

[Wolvesbaned]

Samson, I really needed to hear that, thanks for spelling it out for me.

 

meanon, your words are always comforting. Your example helped me tons, I've actually never even heard of having friends of the opposite sex outside the marriage before. Most of my friends aren't married, but even in relationships they don't have "friends". This experience has made me rethink my ideals and why I'd come to my conclusions in the first place.

 

He once told me he was occasionally jealous but that it was his issue to deal with, not mine.

I'm coming to terms with my issues and realize that I really need to deal with them. He now understands that although they are my issues, his actions and reactions will affect us.

 

Why are you not welcome to join them?

I actually don't want to join them. Sure we met up with her and her boyfriend (twice) and it was OK but frankly, I still haven't gotten over how the situation unfolded. And I can't pretend very well. The going out thing was likely a one-time event because of our schedules (we're all students) and she's planning to leave the area. *I'll surely comment more on this later.

 

Is this an issue of friendships/freedom in general or is it all about this particular friend?

It was both, which made it very difficult.

 

Does he have close male friends, is she his only close friend?

His close male friends are the type of guys that don't contact each other too much and they don't talk about relationships or problems. They all live far away and so they don't see each other often. For example: one of his close friends whom he had not talked to in years came to visit out from nowhere to introduce us to his gf (they didn't really contact each other after that) until his friend asked my husband to be in his wedding. The few instances when he is with his friends, they pretty much just talk about the old times, video games, and play games. That's just the way they are. This girl is his first real gal-friend ever. He trusts her.

 

Back when my fears were getting the best of me, his reactions and actions just aggravated matters. At that mindset, I saw his usual quirky ways of dealing with things as "hiding something" or substantial evidence to support my fanatical conclusions of him cheating on me. I'm still keeping my eyes open (I don't think I'm the type to ever close them) but now I remind myself of how he used to deal with everyday matters, he's always had an odd way of dealing with things.

 

The other day we had actually come to terms with what had happened. We still have a whole lot to learn (about everything actually) but we'll continue trying.

 

Some great news has happened too and I'll be sure to elaborate after my finance midterm

[Samson]

Wolf,

 

Only now wish I could convince MY Wife that this is the "writing on the wall."

[Wolvesbaned]

Samson,

 

A lot of women believe that "if you do something that I don't like (or that hurts me) you don't really care about me" --simple as that. I can't even say the number of women that gave me the advice of giving him an ultimatum, "just tell him he can't or tell him to stop". Unfortunately for me, I don't believe in such an outright bullying of a loved one, it's just not my style. Plus he holds this as 1) his stance to freedom in general 2) he actually cares a lot about the friendship (she's his closest friend in the area)

 

One my of the problems is that he's convinced himself that I singlehandedly caused and perpetrated our "not having a life era" -- but in actuality, I've been living here practically all my life --which means I had sacrificed more because I had male-friends here. There was a time when he objected to me hanging out with some guys that were practically my cousins. Granted he didn't outright say it, I'm the one that had to explain to my cousins that "I'm married now I can't just go out with you like that anymore." and he commented something in the lines of "Yeh what were they thinking (lightheartedly)."

 

He's just now finally acknowledged that he had his role too, and when I commented about me having more friends here he downplays it by saying "Well, yeh that's obvious" -- but not too long ago he had himself believing otherwise.

 

He does this a lot. When he's angry it's like he tries to replay scenes in his mind that I did to hurt him, except that most are only his exaggerations. He never admits he exaggerated, he doesn't remember doing so. Only afterwards, like a week, sometimes longer, that he acknowledges it by little comments when I bring it up. Anytime beforehand, we fight fiercely about the facts.

 

God it seems I have a lot more problems than his little gal-friend. I know people say things they don't mean when they're angry, I'm definitely not excluded, but is this kinda thing common?

 

PS Sorry Samson, this turned out to be a rant of sorts.

[meanon]

Yes Wolvesbaned I agree the gal friend is only part of the problem. It sounds to me as though your husband is going through a reappraisal in terms of what he wants out of life (similar to a mid life crisis but really they can happen at any age). Often when this happens people tend to focus on external causes when in fact they are driven by internal needs for change. It's not fair of him to blame you for the fact that he's changed his world view. I think you are right to seek to deflect blame and help him to understand that you can jointly sort this out together, that you can be part of the solution rather than part of the problem. I also think that as you are trying to accommodate him so much the minimum you can expect is that he makes it clear whether his new world view has you as it's centre, albeit with a changed periphery.

[Samson]

Frankly Wolf, I think you're more concerned about "his little gal friend" than you're letting on. You are not unjustified at all in your concern.

 

If it does make you uneasy, irritable, or down-right angry, you must express this. Do not expect him to connect the dots. By being simply angry, without such explaination, you've simply given him excuse to see less of you and more of her (for whatever purposes). EXPRESSING YOU FEELINGS isn't "bullying" it is simply stating the facts, and putting the ball in his court: either see her, and piss me off, or we can double date with her and her bf, but the intimate lunches are bull-sh*t.

 

When he's angry it's like he tries to replay scenes in his mind that I did to hurt him, except that most are only his exaggerations.

 

Another good occasion to draw a clear "line-in-the-sand:" If he ever refers to your past indescretions again, that's it. He needs to GET OVER IT! There's nothing that can be done about the past. Fighting about who recorded what is pointless.

 

This weekend, after 3 months of marriage counseling, I let my wife know if she ever referanced any activity that happened before 4/4/04 (nice, easy to remember date), that I was leaving. It is not an idel threat, but a promise that I'd not be able to make unless I'd tried everything else first.

[meanon]

Samson, even though I am sad you've reached this point the um... Samsoness of that ultimatum made me smile . I hope things work out for you.

[Samson]

Without having tried everything else, I could not have issued the "ultimatum" in good conscious.

[FolderWife]

If my husband had a close gal pal, I would NOT LIKE IT ONE BIT! I would feel very insecure, and very uncomfortable with him being friends with a woman. There is some ladder theory on the internet that says, "A man can't be friends with a girl, because he wants to have sex with her".

 

That's always held true in my life. Men can be friendly with women, but not friends. I am proud of you that you can work so hard at being secure in your marriage, and ok with his relationship with her. I would cry every night. How does her boyfriend feel about your husband? Has she divulged that?

 

It sounds like they are just friends, which is unusual with men and women. I am best friends with my male cousin, and I KNOW he certainly doesn't want to have sex with me

 

I would feel so bad if my husband was best friends with a woman. I want to be his best friend. Also, every time we had a fight, I'd think about how he never ever fights with her, and that would make me feel worse. I would feel like she has the upper hand, because she doesn't live with him, she doesn't do his laundry, she doesn't hear him when he snores, she doesn't put up with him after a bad day at work, all she does is laugh and talk to him.

 

Nope nope nope, I would not like it if my husband had a female he was close with, unless she was family. You've got strength, and I really genuinely commend you for your efforts of letting him be his own person.

 

I bet you hate her though.

[meanon]

Without having tried everything else, I could not have issued the "ultimatum" in good conscious

.

 

I don't doubt that, Samson.

 

4/4/04 is so recent that I would fail .

[Wolvesbaned]

Frankly Wolf, I think you're more concerned about "his little gal friend" than you're letting on. You are not unjustified at all in your concern.

 

When all this started, I almost had a nervous breakdown (my therapist says it was a case of deep depression--and I never saw a therapist prior to this and I've been through quite some crap in my life). I am concerned about his little friend, hell I find it hard to believe that any legitimate woman can continue communication with a married man even after knowing that his wife wasn't comfortable with it, but that's just me. Apparently the type of people "they" are --they can easily pinpoint it to insecurities. And "my" insecurities are no one elses problem but mine

 

If it does make you uneasy, irritable, or down-right angry, you must express this. Do not expect him to connect the dots. By being simply angry, without such explanation, you've simply given him excuse to see less of you and more of her (for whatever purposes).

 

Believe me I've expressed, explained, in many, many ways. I thought at first he felt this way because this is his first real interpersonal relationship (aside from me) and that he just didn't think or know any different. I've tried the outright telling him, I've tried the subtle approach, I've written letters, I've given so many examples ... but my views on the matter are just different from his. He's sticking to his guns that this is a legitimate friendship and he doesn't look at her that way and he doesn't have some secret/hidden/subconscious feelings for her. And he not only stands by it, but turns it around on me that I'm not trusting him. In his mind he's done all he can.

 

Now I'm all talked out and he is too. My problem is that I still think I can accept this ... I mean I just got in contact with my old buds and realized that I had cousins that I was very close to that I can see myself hanging out with them all the time. (Granted I haven't done anything close to that since my husband and I met, but I can at least imagine it happening and thinking nothing about it!)

 

EXPRESSING YOU FEELINGS isn't "bullying" it is simply stating the facts, and putting the ball in his court: either see her, and piss me off, or we can double date with her and her bf, but the intimate lunches are bull-sh*t.

 

Apparently I need to work on not sounding too aggressive and triggering his defense mechanisms. I try to be open-minded and often silly, but when I feel threatened I'm quite fierce. As for lunches, we're going to enter the job market soon and his career path will be very demanding, in short, I don't want to condemn this now just because I can't think into the future --I might want the same freedom later.

 

This weekend, after 3 months of marriage counseling, I let my wife know if she ever referanced any activity that happened before 4/4/04 (nice, easy to remember date), that I was leaving. It is not an idel threat, but a promise that I'd not be able to make unless I'd tried everything else first.

 

[color=blue]Congratulations in taking your stand[/color]. I can only imagine what led up to this. I agree with meanon though, 4/04 is really recent, I wouldn't be able to do it, would you?

[Wolvesbaned]

Monday, thank you for your words or encouragement.

 

There is some ladder theory on the internet that says, "A man can't be friends with a girl, because he wants to have sex with her".

I've read a bit of that theory. Frankly, it makes sense in some level but agreeing with it completely also means all guys are pigs. I just have to much faith in mankind to believe this. But ...in my experience, men don't take time out for anyone unless you're an expert in something, share similar hobbies, were old buds, there's romantic or sexual interest, or established friends. According to him, the hanging out is not "odd" because they've established a friendship (amidst me dying over it in the beginning).

 

How does her boyfriend feel about your husband? Has she divulged that?

She hasn't said anything about it and he assumes he's fine with it because he has galfriends himself. From our last meeting, my huntch is that he's not fine with it.

 

...every time we had a fight, I'd think about how he never ever fights with her

He understands the grass isn't greener on the other side theory and if he ever failed to miss pondering the "she's sooo cooler (oh I wonder why because she's not married to you bit)" it's been explained to him in a nice non-threatening way.

 

Man am I getting bitter ... can you tell

[meanon]

I think what bothers me most is how important this particular girl is to him and how he has risked both the marriage and your health over it.

 

Differing fundamentals on the degree of freedom within a marriage - that I can relate to more. But if he has changed I think it is only fair that he compromises to take account of your fundamentals. A marriage with outside friendships, a marriage with friends only as a couple, a marriage with same sex friends only - there are no right or wrong answers.

 

I can understand him clearly articulating what he wants and even pointing out the limitations/flaws of differing approaches but a basic ground rule should be that this should not move in to blame and personal attacks (it's because you are insecure, it's because you don't love me).

 

Some couples find that if the personality factors are getting in the way an agreement to always raise them in a constructive way helps: "Would it help you trust me more if ......" "What can I do to help you let go of the past?".

 

Sorry if this is a little patronising Wolvesbaned, it just sounds as though you've got into antagonistic positions and need to find a way beyond that. I'm well aware it may not be about approaches at all but about willingness to compromise. I'm not sure he is prepared to compromise as he sees your position as one dictated entirely by character flaws. This is the specific issue (in my view) that you need to work on. Forget about him agreeing with you or not for a minute, you deserve to be listened to without having your character attacked and your views dismissed.

 

You have come a long way Wolvesbaned and whatever happens you will be a stronger person for coming through this. I do hope you can work things out.

[Wolvesbaned]

I think what bothers me most is how important this particular girl is to him and how he has risked both the marriage and your health over it.

This is the #1 thing that bothered me the most. The only thing is that this particular girl is the only girl, ever, there's nothing to compare her to. As for my emotional state, this unfolded not long after already rough times and things were hectic for us both, but especially for him. I don't think he truly understood at the time that it was about her, he believed it was about prior issues and his new friendship was just a sidenote. I have to admit that I had prior issues with anger that also lead up to the events and I can see how he was focused on that instead of this.

 

But if he has changed I think it is only fair that he compromises to take account of your fundamentals.

That's the thing, he isn't taking into account my "feelings" and says he understands my stance, but thinks it roots from my lack of trust for him. There is a history with the lack of trust issue, in the past in our "era of peace", I showed little of it (not dizzying, ranting, interrogations, but enough for him to be uncomfortable). In his haze for standing up for what he believes to be legitimate, he fails to see the pain and stress this is causing. He thinks if he doesn't defend this, it can easily be replaced with another thing ... and we would yet again be living our lives in a bubble.

 

you've got into antagonistic positions and need to find a way beyond that

Regardless of all we've been through, I want to stand by my decision of trying this out first. I haven't tried "really" reconnecting with old friends yet, but I definitely intend to now. I'll wait until then and see how I feel. For me saying and actually experiencing it are two different things. This is if we work things out until then, as of now we are at a crossroads I am no longer afraid in approaching.

 

I'm well aware it may not be about approaches at all but about willingness to compromise.

It's actually both. But he thinks he's compromising by not having any other galfriends (He just plain ol didn't undersatnd why I was so upset back then that he thought it was my greatest fear for him to be one of them guys that would have dozens of girlfriends. Since he thought that was my main concern, he figured he doesn't get along with many people anyway, he's not sacrificing anything -- yes, I am aware of how wrong this is in the multitude of levels)

 

I'm not sure he is prepared to compromise as he sees your position as one dictated entirely by character flaws.

You've hit the nail on the head. To this day a compromise is still on the table, and one that I'm comfortable with is yet to be negotiated. He always claims to be willing to compromise.

 

I don't even know if its about compromise anymore or respect or love, as I previously thought. To me it's about compassion. It encompasses all that, and without it, love, respect and compromise is just not relative.

[meanon]

I want to stand by my decision of trying this out first

 

That's really brave, well done. Maybe when he sees that you are making compromises for the sake of the marriage he will do the same, I hope so.

 

To me it's about compassion

 

For me too, kindness and generosity of spirit make such a difference.

[Wolvesbaned]

Today, in my exhaustion, I came to a decision. Somehow my main fears were obvious to me and it brought light to what it is I truly need.

 

I need a man that truly wants to be with me. Everyone deserves that. But I know myself and I'm not the type to settle for a ho hum relationship. I will just be unhappy.

 

I realized that even if we get over all of this, I will never be happy if he continues to act like his heart isn't truly into us. We're usually cordial, but we're not even friends anymore. When this first started, I was furious because I felt like he was acting inappropriately and thus falling short of our vows. "Husbands should act like husbands!" And I fought him for it. But I realize that you can't convince someone to cherish you or appreciate you. You can't make someone love you more.

 

So I wrote him a short letter, that explained just this. And that I'll stop. In the letter I highlighted his future and potential for meeting other quality people, but most of all I mentioned my needs. Why am I scared to loose him? I shouldn't be if my happiness is on the line.

 

When he first read it, I'm sure it shocked him. Finally something said that wasn't governed by restraints but freedom. It communicated "I'm not scared to loose you anymore --consider all your options, do you really want to be with me --if you can't, then we have to end this".

 

We talked it out and eventually came to a conclusion of taking a "break". He needs to truly reevaluate us and it can't be done with all our constraints and expectations. I'm actually very happy with this myself, I was his first girlfriend, it will help me to know that if we eventually work this out, it will be for the right reasons and that he has truly considered all options. I get to be free myself. In actuality, I've been dreading life lately and I was at my wits end. I'd even made alternate plans with my Mom -- I was able to write that letter because I was ready to let go.

 

I'm glad we're going to try this out. Maybe we can actually be friends again! This will also help me get out there and get reacquainted with my friends without the fear of some sort of rebellion from him. The only "rule" we came up with was 'no dating' --if this is to help evaluate our marriage, it can't be done if someone else is involved. Thank goodness he has some sense left in him

 

So in a way, we're just going to try to live life without the expectations, instead of calling because we have to, we'll be doing it because we actually want to. I'm kind of excited about this because I really needed a release. I'm tired of living in fear and turmoil. This feels so empowering right now... but who knows how I'll feel this weekend. I'll definitely keep you all posted.

 

And you thought I was playing with fire before ... now watch-out!