I now know why so many wives don't want to have sex with their husbands

[allenmj]

OP, you're the kind of wife that some guys dream of. I'd cook and clean my rear off if it meant I got to stay home with the kids! Your house would be a palace!

 

You deserve better than the treatment you're getting. I hope things work out for you!

[Lovelybird]

and this is proof positive that women will NEVER win with a lot of guys.

 

she stepped up to the plate, she brought home the farking money, she still fulfilled a traditional wife/mother's duties, cooking cleaning care taking at the end of the work day, she didn't give him an allowance or make him justify his spending but no matter... somehow this is all her fault.

it is hard to let (allow, inspire) a man step up the plate, but that is what a woman must do.

 

a woman must have the attitude that either the man steps up the plate, or she walks away. in her heart, she has to be strong. It is the dependency on each other corrupt the good thing. If you let him know no matter how badly he treats you, you will try to do better, then you just encourage his bad behaviors.

[soserious1]

it is hard to let (allow, inspire) a man step up the plate, but that is what a woman must do.

 

a woman must have the attitude that either the man steps up the plate, or she walks away. in her heart, she has to be strong. It is the dependency on each other corrupt the good thing. If you let him know no matter how badly he treats you, you will try to do better, then you just encourage his bad behaviors.

 

Ok, so this is all the wife's fault then? she did the wrong thing by standing by and supporting her husband after he lost his job? She did the wrong thing by making sure their minor children had decent meals, clean clothing and weren't living in utter filth at home?

[IfiKnewThen]

wow.

 

lots of stress in this house. no doubt about it.

 

its good your hubby has a job. is it part time or full time..i didnt notice.

 

i think your husband loved being with his children, but felt useless or worthless. maybe his parents and most people he knows, (men) worked in the "traditional male" way and it made him feel inadequate. i dont think you'r edoing wrong, or failed him at all, but perhaps he needed to hear how good a job he was doing (if he wasn't just a total slacker). just to give him a boost.

 

men need reinforcement to let them know they are making you happy. and when they get that (if they are not complete deadbeats) it encourages them to do more. at least this is what john gray says from men are from mars women are from venus.

 

they say the number one reason men want to get divorced is that they feel they cant make you happy.

 

i am NOT saying it was you. please trust me on that. i am saying men are fundamentally different from us.

 

i don't know this whole story (obviously) he could be a pot head everyday being all lazy and all, for all i know...but since you didn't mention that, its probably another underlying factor.

 

there are men or people out there that feel all they have to do is go to work. and their job is done! i think he could have viewed staying at home with the kids all day.... "work" (which everyone knows it is). BUT that the buck stopped there....and dishes and housework and dog, fed, was going into overtime for him , in HIS MIND and HIS BRAIN.

 

or he secretly could think this IS a woman's work. (the housework, cooking part). and i say secretly because there are passive aggressive spouses out there.

 

maybe when he went back to man's "traditional work", he could step back and appreciate and not dread, the work at home so much. perhpas thats why things got 'better".

 

also, not everyone who is depressed needs to go on prozac. i dont like to lump everyone into the same melting pot. not everyone can take prozac either. maybe he was having bad side effects. you have seen the commercials and i am sure read all the papers they give you with prescriptions warning you of side effects and reactions DIFFERENT people can have from these meds.

 

not everyone can accept/tolerate all the same medications. we all have different chemistry and reactions to stuff. maybe there is another pill he can take or take smaller doses. i don't know. but some antidepressants can make some people worse. maybe he doesn't need antidepressants, just maybe get to the root of his depression.

 

now, apparently you said he is getting better and acted better. that's great. but if this is going to be a roller coaster ride, ask him to see his doctor. (wow that sounds like a commercial..but its true) also, men don't like being labeled...depressed, whatever. (even if they are)

 

in my opinion, from my disadvantage point, you definitely need to try let him do more and try to compliment him when he does something. not because you are lacking and are a bad wife (you sound awesome) but because this is what helps get men to do things. period. and it won't happen over night. but anything that will encourage him...and let it build from there. i know this seems like more work. getting him to do things and then patting him on the head. but it's a must, that he sees you happy and responds.

 

dont ask me how you juggle all of this. LOL. but seriously, i think it might help you guys to read that book together and watch some of john grays dvd's together. (really please buy and read that book!!)

 

and he needs to compliment you, give you a much needed break...make more of an effort..when you make date arrangements and him not dodge them. someone mentioned a sitter or help in the home. you need a back up plan, for help with the kids, and its good the children have that consistency. see the familiar face. able to say goodbye to mom and dad once a week...or for a few hours int he day so you two can get out...grocery shop..whatever. (in peace, as a couple...not just as an entire family)

 

how the children are disciplined also effect couples...as you know, i am sure.

do you conflict in this department?

 

take turns talking. i know what those screaming fights are like. its horrible. each insulting the other or one insulting someone...gets know where fast.

and trust me kids hate this. i was happy when my parents divorced just to not hear them arguing anymore. i agree with the poster who said staying together for the kids sake...is not a good idea. i dont know how they really benefit like that. and i can attest to the fact that they DONT. hearing all that arguing will eventually make them nervous wrecks. and dont down play what arguing does to children..please.

 

if you are going to stay with your husband, even for another day....you have got to make your life happy as much as you can. one day at a time..everyday. it does take 2, but someone has to start somewhere. and believe me i know what its like to be with a stubborn stressful person. and i hear over and over ........."its the tone". men hear you better with a certain tone. i know this takes the patience of a saint. i am not saying you should do all this work. tiptoe around him. no. not saying that. but they say its not what you say as much as the tone in how you say it. but if you want to give it at least one more try...and if he is willing...(ask him when he's receptive and not distracted or over tired), to work on things , then work on it together. try reading that book if you dont want to run to a therapist.

 

also, are there old resentments that you each still harbor outside of the daily grind? anyway i wish you guys luck. but if you cant hack it and are really unhappy, then i think a separation might be something to think about. good luck and God bless.

[IfiKnewThen]

ps also try to get on the same plane..away from parent /child role. you parent..him the child. or if youre passive him bullying you like a bad father.

 

to be romantic you cant be parents to each other. and a woman NEEDS romance. romance can be him doing the dishes. men dont realize, help is romantic. its not all about flowers. in fact i think most woman will agree its far from that. its about they way we are spoken to, and made to feel safe, kindess, understanding, thats romance.

[threebyfate]

jennifer, it's always been expected that the woman be the emotional glue for the family, where no matter what kind of crappy behaviour she's handed, that she must be strong and support her husband and children.

 

F**k that noise. This is now 2011. Sit him down and get him to stop being a baby and to nut up or get out. You've already got too much on your plate and he's loading you down with his own E-mo angst. Draw the line and hold it.

[IfiKnewThen]

pps. to address your title...now i know why women dont want to have sex with their husbands.

 

this IS why. we first really get stimulated in the brain ( the biggest sex organ for a woman to be ignited)..and if a man is turning us OFF, but being an insensitive tuned out lazy person or is putting us down or complaining all the time....

 

who can get with that??????

 

no one. unless she is a sex addict. he apparently has no clue that that is your G spot.

 

the thing that gives us desire to be with a man is a bit different form men and woman...ok a lot different. some men dont realize how this stuff adds up for us, and turns us ON. if hes loving and sensitive to your needs and hears you out...

 

then thats a relaxing day for you and you would want to devour him for his kindness. or at least say yes.

[Lovelybird]

Ok, so this is all the wife's fault then? she did the wrong thing by standing by and supporting her husband after he lost his job? She did the wrong thing by making sure their minor children had decent meals, clean clothing and weren't living in utter filth at home?

I think somewhere the OP tried to be a saint, in this way, the more she does, the more her husband feel guilty and could not measure up to her sacrifice. There are many women who are like this. Men cannot relate to women like this. They cannot grow more love or respect for their sacrificial wives except of tons of guilt when they know they aren't doing right.

 

She cannot change her husband, but she can change herself, by not overfunctioning, give him a chance to step up. Although taking care of kids is necessary, making a plate of food for him is too much stretch. you may think it is christian sacrificial love action, in fact, it ISN'T. It is opposite of love. did you notice that her husband got better when he got a job? Men like to contribute and make their woman happy. Relationship is dynamic, if the marriage got off to a wrong direction, you have to consider there are two in the dance.

Edited March 3, 2011 by Lovelybird

[Jennifer26]

Wow, there have been a lot of responses and a lot of valid and interesting points made since my post yesterday.

 

When I first read I might be a martyr, or tried being a saintly wife I thought no way. I never want to make my husband feel bad, or make him feel inadequate. But the more I think about this, the more I think this may have hit the nail on the head.

 

My husband called me self righteous, and miss perfect during our fights. A lot of the times our fights are focused on something he did, or didn't do. There are times I see a sink full of dishes, or a full trash can and I don't bother to ask him to do it - I do it myself. It seems easier to just do it and not to have to nag and I resent having to ask him to do something he should have done. Perhaps when I do this it makes him feel more inadequate? I do know he already feels inadequate from not working, and I know he also has felt very isolated. I do think he views dishes and cooking as "a woman's role" but I think he has also been depressed and unmotivated to do much at all.

 

His new job is full time. I am paying a relative to come in and watch our son 9 hours a day. This is temporary as he'll be starting preschool soon after he turns three-years-old, but it's working well for now it seems. My husband seems to be enjoying his new job, although he's only been there a few days. But I think it will fit him well, the pay is pretty good, and I think there is room for growth and advancement. I do worry that he may still feel inadequate when he realizes my salary is double what he makes, although the benefits being offered are outstanding and far better than my own. We'll be able to save significant money on our health insurance through his company because the employee premiums are about half less and for better insurance.

 

I've been going on about how great the benefits are (which they are!) to try and get him enthusiastic and keep his mind off of the salary bit. Is this the wrong thing to do? Am I being too protective? I do feel like often I am being very protective as well and always trying to spare his feelings or not be 'a bitch' to him and this includes "nagging" about him not having helped me with something.

 

Last night he came home from work and I was making dinner. After dinner he went and folded the laundry from the dryer and put it all away. He fed our dog, set the coffee maker for the next day, and even offered to change our son when he had an accident in his training pants. Later on we sort of made out, and I didn't cringe in my mind, although we still did not have sex.

 

Today he sent me a text message from work telling me he loves me.

 

I hope this lasts. I don't know how much is the prozac, and how much is the new job and the excitement and feeling productive and worthwhile. I suspect it's a combination of both.

[Lovelybird]

I've been going on about how great the benefits are (which they are!) to try and get him enthusiastic and keep his mind off of the salary bit. Is this the wrong thing to do? Am I being too protective? I do feel like often I am being very protective as well and always trying to spare his feelings or not be 'a bitch' to him and this includes "nagging" about him not having helped me with something.

Jennifer, glad things get better.

 

Based on the limited info, my view maybe limited and inaccurate. I do feel you overprotect him. probably your mom is a very strong woman and nagged your father? so you want to spare your husband the pain? I don't know.

 

But whenever you meet a situation, you feel resentment or anger or fear, your old habit is to spare his feelings rather than let your true feelings be known by him, this way you distant yourself from him and both of you will grow resentment. But, you can learn to communicate these to him without nagging. Truth telling is scary but will cultivate intimacy.

 

there are good ways to communicate, such as simply tell him your feelings, not what he didn't or did do

[ShatteredReality]

It may bother him that you make more, but now he's contributing in a way men see as more efficient. I may have some come down on me for saying this, but my experience through observation has been that, while most men dream of being house dad and love the idea of it, when the reality sets in and they actually have to do it, they feel they aren't supporting their family properly. Maybe it's because of years of conditioning, or perhaps it's a biological fact of life that women tend to be more nurturing while men tend to be more protective - men create the umbrella to protect the family from the outside (financial stability, etc) while women keep everyones legs and arms under the umbrella, folds them all in a blanket to keep warm, and sings over the thunder to keep everyone calm (emotional stability). Do not concentrate on how much either of you makes. There is a book a friend gave to me awhile back called Fascinating Womanhood. It's very old fashioned in it's thinking, but when I did apply some of it's advice with my husband I was amazed at how well he responded. I was feeding his masculinity without babying him. I am not good at babying anybody except my kids, and even them it's only when they're sick or hurt. Men know we appreciate them by the way we talk to them, the way we react when we see them, the way we lean into them on the couch or touch them even though we don't have to....when my H was working out of the home I tried to come to him when he would come home and give him a hug, a kiss, and tell him I missed him...that's as much babying as I can do - but that small gesture, which really wasn't much effort on my part, made him feel good. Accomplished. He went to work, and his reward was visible appreciation and knowing his absense was noticed. On the flip side, the housewife or house husband rarely gets such attention - if he does the dishes it's because he should, if he vaccuums it's because it needed to be done. While going to work and supporting the family are just as important, for some reason we acknowledge them differently as a society. She's "just" a housewife. Like that's not one of the toughest jobs around! He probably felt like less of a man because he wasn't supporting you and didn't see the importance in what he was doing at home...he allowed his depression to keep him from doing the things he needed to do, and you just did them rather than explain to him that it's a job also, even though the gain isn't financial.

 

Glad he got a job - if you worry about the wage difference, just show him how happy you are that he's working, you can make a point to mention that you can use his earnings for a date and to pay the babysitter...doesn't really matter who earns what, while you're married all of it belongs to the whole household - or rather, to the mortgager, PUD, IRS, credit cards, car loans.....etc....

[Darth Vader]

Wow, there have been a lot of responses and a lot of valid and interesting points made since my post yesterday.

 

When I first read I might be a martyr, or tried being a saintly wife I thought no way. I never want to make my husband feel bad, or make him feel inadequate. But the more I think about this, the more I think this may have hit the nail on the head.

 

My husband called me self righteous, and miss perfect during our fights. A lot of the times our fights are focused on something he did, or didn't do. There are times I see a sink full of dishes, or a full trash can and I don't bother to ask him to do it - I do it myself. It seems easier to just do it and not to have to nag and I resent having to ask him to do something he should have done. Perhaps when I do this it makes him feel more inadequate? I do know he already feels inadequate from not working, and I know he also has felt very isolated. I do think he views dishes and cooking as "a woman's role" but I think he has also been depressed and unmotivated to do much at all.

 

His new job is full time. I am paying a relative to come in and watch our son 9 hours a day. This is temporary as he'll be starting preschool soon after he turns three-years-old, but it's working well for now it seems. My husband seems to be enjoying his new job, although he's only been there a few days. But I think it will fit him well, the pay is pretty good, and I think there is room for growth and advancement. I do worry that he may still feel inadequate when he realizes my salary is double what he makes, although the benefits being offered are outstanding and far better than my own. We'll be able to save significant money on our health insurance through his company because the employee premiums are about half less and for better insurance.

 

I've been going on about how great the benefits are (which they are!) to try and get him enthusiastic and keep his mind off of the salary bit. Is this the wrong thing to do? Am I being too protective? I do feel like often I am being very protective as well and always trying to spare his feelings or not be 'a bitch' to him and this includes "nagging" about him not having helped me with something.

 

Last night he came home from work and I was making dinner. After dinner he went and folded the laundry from the dryer and put it all away. He fed our dog, set the coffee maker for the next day, and even offered to change our son when he had an accident in his training pants. Later on we sort of made out, and I didn't cringe in my mind, although we still did not have sex.

 

Today he sent me a text message from work telling me he loves me.

 

I hope this lasts. I don't know how much is the prozac, and how much is the new job and the excitement and feeling productive and worthwhile. I suspect it's a combination of both.

 

 

Jen, from the way he was acting made me ask myself, "is he having an affair"?, then I asked myself, "could your husband think you're having an affair"? Now I say no to both of these.

 

However, somehow I feel you're being set up for the temptation to have an affair. Just keep an eye out, what I mean is, if all of a sudden you meet some guy who's funny, understanding, you know, just seems to click with you on soooo many levels. This is almost clicheic how it occurs. Then you tell your husband how he's "just a friend" while you get addicted to the other guy, then you get swept up in it all and you two just happen to sleep together.

 

This happens all the time and more than you think!

 

Be on your GUARD! You're PRIME for someone else coming along. Don't ask me how I know, I just know! It may not happen in a year, five years or ten years, but, when you least expect it to happen, it may even happen to your husband. Like I say, be on your guard! I've heard of these occurences!

Edited March 3, 2011 by Darth Vader

[Lovelybird]

Thanks, Shatteredreality, i am going to check out the book !

[IfiKnewThen]

glad everything is going better jennifer26. john grays approach where men and woman are concerned, is good. did you every read any of his books? even mars and venus in the bedroom is good. but the original book is classic and was a best seller for years. anyway, things look brighter praise the Lord.

[ShatteredReality]

Thanks, Shatteredreality, i am going to check out the book !

 

It's a good read for someone with an open mind willing to admit that, while neither sex is LESSER than the other we are not the SAME and therefore have completely different needs. The same woman who wrote that - her husband wrote one called the Man of Velvet Man of Steel (something to that effect) and, if you can get a guy to read it, my undersanding is it's quite effective also.

 

Enjoy it Lovely!!

[soserious1]

I think somewhere the OP tried to be a saint, in this way, the more she does, the more her husband feel guilty and could not measure up to her sacrifice. There are many women who are like this. Men cannot relate to women like this. They cannot grow more love or respect for their sacrificial wives except of tons of guilt when they know they aren't doing right.

 

She cannot change her husband, but she can change herself, by not overfunctioning, give him a chance to step up. Although taking care of kids is necessary, making a plate of food for him is too much stretch. you may think it is christian sacrificial love action, in fact, it ISN'T. It is opposite of love. did you notice that her husband got better when he got a job? Men like to contribute and make their woman happy. Relationship is dynamic, if the marriage got off to a wrong direction, you have to consider there are two in the dance.

 

yeah, yeah so now when the OP gets off from her job she can come home and get down on her knees, after she's done washing hubby's feet with her hair begging him to forgive her for her gross mistreatment of him she can pray to to your God for forgiveness ...

 

What an evil, horrible.,horrible woman, paying all the bills, standing behind her husband while still carrying the duties of a traditional wife and mother!

 

Btw, hubby had plenty of chances to "step up" as you say to the piles of stinking laundry & mountains of unwashed dishes and the overflowing trash buckets while the OP was at work... that he did not chose to do so left OP faced with letting her children wallow in filth or alternatively get into huge ongoing arguments with her husband, a man she was trying to be supportive of and sensitive towards.

Edited March 3, 2011 by soserious1

[Lovelybird]

yeah, yeah so now when the OP gets off from her job she can come home and get down on her knees, after she's done washing hubby's feet with her hair begging him to forgive her for her gross mistreatment of him she can pray to to your God for forgiveness ...

 

What an evil, horrible.,horrible woman, paying all the bills, standing behind her husband while still carrying the duties of a traditional wife and mother!

 

Btw, hubby had plenty of chances to "step up" as you say to the piles of stinking laundry & mountains of unwashed dishes and the overflowing trash buckets while the OP was at work... that he did not chose to do so left OP faced with letting her children wallow in filth or alternatively get into huge ongoing arguments with her husband, a man she was trying to be supportive of and sensitive towards.

Did I portrait this picture in my post? if so, I apologize.

 

First, I don't deny her husband has his own wrongs. since we only can talk to her here, the only element that guide change is on her part: she doesn't enable him his wrongs

 

The second, I also don't deny her part in playing in the dynamic. According to her post, I found she didn't take care of her own well being, she neglects her own feelings, was being sacrificial. A man respects a woman who respects herself, and loves a woman whom they can serve.

 

Being overfunctional can do the opposite effect of a woman desires.

 

when a man didn't do his part, the woman not only did not speak up, but go overboard to do his part, the man cannot love her (at the moment, since OP's situation already changed), on the surface, he SHOULD, but the feelings have their own heads.

 

it will trigger tremendous fear in many women that they just step back, because they feel lose of control, and expose to vulnerability, fear they may lose the man if they don't do things for him. this is a sad belief.

 

so the first step is to work on yourself, your fear, your self-worth, your belief about yourself.

 

If a woman truly were being saintly sacrifical, she won't feel bitterness. In the bottom of hearts of many women, they do much because they think that can earn love and in control, and some pratical reasons.

 

I want to emphasize this: a woman is rightly to have her needs to be met. and being honest with her needs can serve her more, because this will not enable her husband's irresponsibility, and urge him to become a better man.

[Carrot2000]

I hope this lasts. I don't know how much is the prozac, and how much is the new job and the excitement and feeling productive and worthwhile. I suspect it's a combination of both.

 

It's probably both. I don't know your backstory or what led to prozac being prescribed, but I know I was angry, impatient and irritable during the height of my depression. Hopefully things will start to even out now; the important thing is for him to stay on his meds.

[sniffys]

im always so horny and want it like a LOT. my bf gets tired and he sleeps, he gets exhausted. i dont really know what is up w/ these wives!!! time to ride that cowboy to marlboro country!:bunny::bunny:

 

edit:

 

by the way though, if youre on the pill that is 99% the culprit to your low libido and mood swings

[dbtmarley]

yeah, yeah so now when the OP gets off from her job she can come home and get down on her knees, after she's done washing hubby's feet with her hair begging him to forgive her for her gross mistreatment of him she can pray to to your God for forgiveness ...

 

What an evil, horrible.,horrible woman, paying all the bills, standing behind her husband while still carrying the duties of a traditional wife and mother!

 

Btw, hubby had plenty of chances to "step up" as you say to the piles of stinking laundry & mountains of unwashed dishes and the overflowing trash buckets while the OP was at work... that he did not chose to do so left OP faced with letting her children wallow in filth or alternatively get into huge ongoing arguments with her husband, a man she was trying to be supportive of and sensitive towards.

 

There is probably more to her husband than simply the stuff on the surface you mention. A little bit of critical thinking could be exercised here, and then perhaps, you will see what other's are saying about the hubby's psyche.

 

Was he wrong giving her a hard time? Hell ya, and I'll bet if you get the hubby in private he'll even admit to such.

 

Lovelybird, I hope things work out between you and your hubby. It's easy to give up sometimes, and don't get me wrong, there are times it is necessary. But you hung in there, through difficult times, and I commend you for it. I hope he is fully aware how close to the edge your marriage was and continue's on the road to making himself a better man for himself and the marriage. Once again, I don't excuse his behavior, but sheesh does he remind me of my father. He was a good man, but got lost once when I was around 9 and acted like your husband did towards my mother. It's the reason I hate shows like MASH and Hogan's Heroes because he was home watching that crap while being miserable. He pulled out of it when things seemed almost over... and eventually got back to being the husband I strive to be towards my wife.

 

I wish you the best and hope things continue to improve.

[IfiKnewThen]

whatever happened to original poster. how are things going now?

[dbtmarley]

Sorry for the mix-up... I meant to direct that last part towards Jennifer and not Lovelybird. I am getting old and forgetful.

[ShatteredReality]

whatever happened to original poster. how are things going now?

 

she updated us on page...4??? I wanna say...hubby got a job and is on prozac for the depression. Sex life is shot for now but they are getting along much better - he's happier and feeling more satisfied - less depressed, they have made out...have reliable help with the kid situation...now she's just worried that he won't handle it well that her salary is twice his....I think that about sums up what I read...if I missed anything - sorry!

[IfiKnewThen]

yes i recall replying to that on page 3. that was a good accurate summary of things though shatteredreality and i appreciate that. was just wondering if anything new in his moods. anyway thank you again.

[ShatteredReality]

yes i recall replying to that on page 3. that was a good accurate summary of things though shatteredreality and i appreciate that. was just wondering if anything new in his moods. anyway thank you again.

 

LOL - well thanks...sorry it wasn't THE answer you were looking for!! Yeah...now that you mention it...I want to know also!! Let's hope she comes back for another update soon eh?