How can you tell if he's cheating?

[mommy78]

A couple of weeks ago, I had dreams of my boyfriend cheating on me. Infact, the second dream that I had would continue, or be about the same girl. After having those dreams, I would accuse my boyfriend of cheating and it would cause an argument. I actually have a history with this guy. He's cheated on me before, a number of times. Later on, we had a child and now, things have been so much better. However, the past "haunts" me ALOT! To the point where I distant myself from him. We've been together for almost 6 years now and I cannot control my thoughts. The littlest things make me think he's cheating and I dont know what to do. I always tell him that I wanna end it and he thinks I just want to break up this family. I know he loves me, very much because he shows it and tells me all the time but I cant let go of the past. It makes me think that he's cheating on me all the time. Infact, I'm not talking to him right now because I think that he's cheating on me.

[Arabess]

It sounds as though you are looking for an excuse to leave. ...but if he was guilty of something...it would be easier for you.

[bittersweet]

I was with my b/f for 6 years and recently found out he was cheating. Her are some of the clues I had (before I caught him) :

1. Always told me that I was dramatic and my mind made up crazy stories.

2. He would accuse me of cheating

3. Sex was different. He liked different things all the sudden

4. He would use the excuse on Fridays that he was tired and we'd see each other Saturday.

5. He would be defensive when I cried over something

6. We stopped going to places we always went to and doing routine things

7. He was often on the other line when I called his cell phone

8. He stopped asking how my days were- He showed little interest in my life.

9. He told me to my face he was "obligated" to see me at certain times.

10. He would tell me I'm too predictable.

11. When he began cheating behind my back, he sugguested counseling

12. His wallet was never lying around and when I did see it I found that my picture was not in it anymore

13. He was short cash all the time

14. Music choices changed

15. Cellphone would be off when I was over

16. His appearance became a priority all the sudden

17. He would have new items in his house that I he usually wouldn't buy with me.

18. He would stop saying how beautiful my body was

19. He stopped holding me

20. Last but least, a girl came up to me and told me my b/f was seeing her for the last 3 months behind my back- enough said!!!

 

I understand you live with him and some of these things may not be possible in your relationship but to be honest, I was at his house probably 5 out of 7 days during the week. I found out she was even staying there weeks at a time and would leave around 4 for work and come back to his house around 2 a.m. after I left. She didn't know about me at first either.

 

I'm not saying you have anything to worry about- I don't know if he is cheating or not but the way you feel is exactly how I felt when all this started and I turned out being right. That hurt more than anything because he knew how worried I was about it ever happening.

[mommy78]

I've read over the signs and I know exactly what you are saying. We actually used to live together. Last August, I moved out with my daughter because we fought all the time about "cheating".

 

Here are my comments to each one and you tell me if you think he is.

 

1. Always told me that I was dramatic and my mind made up crazy stories.

 

He used to, but not anymore. When I started to act like this again (weeks ago), he used to talk to me about this but I think he’s getting tired of me acting this way. He’s now telling me that it seems like I want to break up this family.

 

2. He would accuse me of cheating

 

No, he trusts me with all his heart.

 

3. Sex was different. He liked different things all the sudden

 

Once in a great while he will do something different in bed but not a dramatic change.

 

4. He would use the excuse on Fridays that he was tired and we'd see each other Saturday.

 

He never makes an excuse to see us (myself and our daughter). However, yesterday, he had to work (which normally is his day off) and called me at the same time everyday (on his way to work). He also called me again in the middle of his shift. Everyday after work, he'd call me as soon as he was done at around 6pm. Yesterday he didnt call me until 7pm and told me he forgot his phone at work (which is rare). I told him that I thought he wasnt working and with someone else the whole day. his response "oh yah? then how did i end up selling $1600 yesterday?" (he's a jewelry sales man). i still didnt believe him and he said "if i didnt work yesterday, i wouldve came over to make love to you...." and i still dont believe him.

 

5. He would be defensive when I cried over something

 

I remember in the past he used to be defensive or act like he didn’t care, but not anymore. But that doesn’t mean he comforts me a lot when I cry. I normally cry over the phone and he tells me what most people say "stop crying"

 

6. We stopped going to places we always went to and doing routine things

 

No we do and go to the same places, mainly family stuff. Like movies, the mall, shopping etc.

 

7. He was often on the other line when I called his cell phone

 

Sometimes he is on the other line.

 

8. He stopped asking how my days were- He showed little interest in my life.

 

We both don’t ever ask each other how our day was. So this one may not apply.

 

9. He told me to my face he was "obligated" to see me at certain times.

 

No he never said this before....

 

10. He would tell me I'm too predictable.

 

Nope…

 

11. When he began cheating behind my back, he sugguested counseling

 

Actually, recently, he told me because of all my thoughts and depression that I should seek help.

 

12. His wallet was never lying around and when I did see it I found that my picture was not in it anymore.

 

My picture is in his wallet, but u never know, he may take it out.

 

13. He was short cash all the time

 

Nope…

 

14. Music choices changed

 

Nope…still the same

 

15. Cellphone would be off when I was over

 

When he’s with me, his phone is on vibe. But then again, I do see him answer it. But I don’t know when it is ringing or not. When I’m not with him, sometimes his phone is off but he says that only happens when its on the charger because something is wrong with the connection when plugging in the charger to the cell phone. He needs to get a new one if that’s the truth. This doesnt happen all the time.....

 

16. His appearance became a priority all the sudden

 

hmm….not really, but he does work out and has been for almost a year. But then again, when I first met him, he was into going to the gym.

 

17. He would have new items in his house that I he usually wouldn't buy with me.

 

I don’t ever like to go over to his place. I refuse to because im scared I might find something and I hate his room mates.

 

18. He would stop saying how beautiful my body was

 

he compliments me when I see him. But we (my daughter and I) only get to see him 2-3 times a week because when he gets off of work, we’re getting ready to go to sleep.

 

19. He stopped holding me

no he's very affectionate. sometimes too much. he always wants to kiss me every 5 minutes and i get irritated.

 

20. Last but least, a girl came up to me and told me my b/f was seeing her for the last 3 months behind my back- enough said!!!

 

i hope this will never happen. ive been through it before with him.....

[befuddled11]

A couple of weeks ago, I had dreams of my boyfriend cheating on me. Infact, the second dream that I had would continue, or be about the same girl. After having those dreams, I would accuse my boyfriend of cheating and it would cause an argument.

 

Well of COURSE it would cause an argument. That's really crazy to accuse a guy of cheating on you, all because of silly dream you had. Keep that up and he'll be gone.

 

I actually have a history with this guy. He's cheated on me before, a number of times. Later on, we had a child and now, things have been so much better.

 

Curious..why did you bring a child into the picture if you were having such a hard time trusting him? A couple shouldn't bring another life into the picture unless things are good and solid between them. Anyway, you say things are so much better now....so why this paranoia?

 

However, the past "haunts" me ALOT! To the point where I distant myself from him. We've been together for almost 6 years now and I cannot control my thoughts.

 

I'm sure all of us here have been cheating on at least once...many of us were married to cheaters. I'm sure most of us can relate to that gnawing sense of fear that our partner "might cheat again"......but you sound totally obsessed with all of this, to the point where all you're going to do is drive him far away. Nobody..man or woman, will put up with being in a relationship with someone who can't let go of the past, particularly if they'd made amends and has changed for the better. Nobody wants to be with someone who doesn't trust them. And if you can't control your paranoid, obsessive, negative thoughts, then you need to seek professional help IMMEDIATELY....or else he'll leave, mark my words.

 

I know he loves me, very much because he shows it and tells me all the time

 

What more could you ask for? You've got yourself a guy who SHOWS you that he loves you. That's priceless and precious. You better get a grip fast or you'll lose this guy who sounds like he treats you very well.

 

\

but I cant let go of the past. It makes me think that he's cheating on me all the time.

 

This is YOUR issue to deal with. If he's not NOW giving you any solid reason to think he's being unfaithful to you, and you can't move on and let go of the past, then like I said, you need to get yourself into some therapy or counselling.......because it's YOU who has the problem, only your problem is going to spill over onto your relationship and you're going to drive him far, far away.

 

Infact, I'm not talking to him right now because I think that he's cheating on me

 

 

No offense, but I feel really sorry for your guy. Unless you have cold hard proof that he's cheating, you are being foolish to think so negatively and to stop talking to him, all because of your own insecurities and paranoid thoughts.

 

People make mistakes.....you obviously CHOSE to remain with him, despite the fact that he cheated years ago (or whenever it was).........so you either live with him, his past flaws and all, or you let him go so that he can find a woman who's not paranoid and constantly looking for trouble. If you can't truly forgive him for his past, and you can't get past it, then end the relationship and move on.

[bittersweet]

Okay,

First of all, NEVER tell him that you thought he was with someone else ESPECIALLY when there is real no reason to. In his mind, he figures you won't rrust him no matter what he's doing. The last thing you want to do right now is accuse him under normal circumstances. Some people use that as permission like "well, you were thinking it anyway."

 

Second, It's normal for someone to say "stop crying." The problem is when they say, "I don't have time for this," or "why don't you just go f***ing home!!" THAT is a problem so your mans safe here.

 

Third, The cell-phone thing. The situation with my b/f was that he NEVER talked to anyone but me on his cell phone. During the time he was cheating, I realize I almost ALWAYS heard that tone noise indicating he was on the other line. To make it worse, he wouldn't even anwer my call... no matter how many times I called through.

 

Forth, when he said you needed therapy, it can mean two different things. Either he is sincerly concerned about your distrust or he wants a professional to somehow convince you that you are overreacting.

 

Fifth, why can't you just ask to see his wallet? He should have NO problem letting you look. Mine did until he left it in my car and I noticed the picture he carried for 6 years was all the sudden GONE. That broke my heart- I never even said a thing.

 

Sixth, My b/f always had those crazy, dramatic explainations also for why his phone was off when I was around. It never use to be but all the sudden it was "broke" or it had "no reception." The best was when he would say it WAS on and I'd call it infront of him and get his voice mail right away b/c it wasn't on!

 

Seventh, Maybe you need to start showing your face a little more at his home. I'll tell you what- this was MY BIGGEST MISTAKE!!!!!! I NEVER EVER EVER showed up at his house without calling first. Then, the first time I did was when I caught him trying to get a 20 year old skank out of his house. (It's a long story and actually posted under this forum a few weeks back, titled: "B/F of 6 years was cheating for 3 months.")

My b/f pulled some CRAZY S*** behind my back- when I had feelings that he was cheating- I never expected what I got...(currently, it has been 3 weeks. he's of course begging for me and meanwhile the girl he cheated with is saying she's pregnant)

 

Eighth, I don't know how old you are or anything else about you but I can tell you and I have a lot in common. My b/f put me through a lot during the years too- although I don't think he ever cheated on me until now. Insead, he decided to have an affair with dope and coke for 3 years... I stood by his side through everything. The reason wht you and I seem alike is b/c it seems like we expect them to be flawless since they put us through so much. I became a doormat, I wanted to marry this man and have his children. Now I might find out after this weekend that this other girl really is pregnant.

 

Keep me posted, but please don't accuse him without any real reason. It doesn't seem like he's doing anything really wrong to tell the truth but all this might push him really far away so be careful.

[mommy78]

I'll be 25 this year and he'll be 27. We met when I was 19 and he was 21. I believe that I'm over reacting after I actually react. I'm talking to him again. I answered his call this time and we're ok. He understands why I'm like this and I dont have solid proof that he is. I just told him that the littlest things that he does to make me think he's cheating will automatically make me accuse him and he understands. The person who left the comment before you was pretty harsh and has no idea what this guy has put me through in the past. one question that made me upset was his/her comment on "why would any couple bring a child into this world when things are going bad?" for one thing, it wasnt on purpose, my daughter was not planned, obviously. things were off and on at that time. we weren't having HUGE problems at that time.....

 

And because he has put me through A LOT (more then I have mentioned) I seriously expect more out of him. Sometimes I think its not enough. He has his ways and tricks of lying. I know them well and everytime a little thing simliar to his "tricks" pop up, I accuse him.

 

I do actually think I need to seek help. My past is not just a memory, it was a nightmare. Why do you think I worry so much. Everyone takes bad things differently. At that time, I just wanted things to work out. Right now, everything is hitting me. Yes, it took this long. And now that its hitting me at the wrong time, I'm constantly naggin him. I know I need to stop. My emotions are crazy right now. And its not an "obsession" (quoted from the previous comment before yours). If what happened to me happened to anyone, I'm sure it would haunt them as well.

 

Things happen for a reason. It may be bad in the beginning but always pulls through for the better. No one really knows what the better is until it happens. As for me, we made a beautiful and wonderful daughter together. That's one thing I will never regret. If I left him years ago, I wouldnt have her today. He's changed a lot and I MUST appreciate it....

[bittersweet]

WOW!!! I'm going to be 25 in June and my b/f is 27 too (obviuosly we met at the same ages too). We don't have any children together.

 

Your daughter has nothing to do with anything- there is a reason for everything and don't ever let anyone put you down for having her under any circumsatnces. She has nothing to do with anything.

 

The one thing you said that which I can agree with 100% is the "owing" thing. My b/f feels like I asked so much of him- that was his excuse for cheating on me. I will admit- things were unstable b/w me and him the last 7 months or so but the problem was that we never worked through the differences. He never would listen to what I wanted anymore and felt that "He" was good enough. After all he put me through, I always believed he would love me more for staying or do everything possible to make it all up to me. It doesn't happen that way.

 

He and I were always able to get through anything but what I'm dealing with now may be impossible (b/c the girl he cheated with is saying she is still pregnant after she was telling him she had an abortion). He told her last week that they can't talk anymore at all and hopefully she is just trying to scare him. I'm not with him right now and I may never be able to be with him again if this girl is having his child. It's a nightmare- all I can do is wait for his call b/c he went to see her 2 hours away to find out the truth.

 

Anyway, that's not the point. You need to keep your head high and probably get into counseling. I use to go for a while and it made me such a stronger person. It was like getting a dose of self-worth each week! You need to look out for your girl and yourself. Besides, I don't think he's want to lose what he has already!!

[priscilla]

You need to see a counelor to help deal with your insecurities. If you keep up this behavior, you will lose him. Quit accusing him of cheating. Just drop it all , get yourself better, and focus on your child.

[Simeerah]

I really feel what you are going through! I am in the same situation, and we have a 5 month old! I would love to chat with you! I mean I am the exact same way!

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by Simeerah

I really feel what you are going through! I am in the same situation, and we have a 5 month old! I would love to chat with you! I mean I am the exact same way!

 

Ladies.....I'm sure it's really a nice feeling to find someone who's got the same fears and insecurities and such....but may I suggest that instead of talking to each other about your paranoia and unfounded accusations that are *SURELY* going to cause your respective men to leave you, why don't you take that time and spend it speaking with a professional counsellor or therapist.

 

No man or woman deserves to be with someone who's possessive, paranoid, constantly accusing them of cheating (when they're clearly not), who can't put the past behind them. That grows tiring and unfulfilling.

 

If a woman can't deal with her guy having cheated in the past, and years are going by and she's still not able to trust him despite the fact that he's made amends for his behavior and has changed and grown up and no longer cheats, then she needs to let the poor guy go so that he can find himself a stable, secure woman who will not be examining him under the microscope each day...that's no way to live. It's obsessive and downright creepy.

 

Please, get some help.

[Simeerah]

First off you dont know what you talking about, you must have cheated on your woman and she left you. Why you worried about who we need to see, maybe you need to see a shrink because you sound emotional yourself. I will let go of the past when I am good and ready, if we want to discuss our situations, its fine and well, but you dont have to respond to us, that is what couselors do, they listen so why not talk with someone who has experienced it, so you can go F*** yourself and dont worry about what us women have to talk about! Befuddled that!

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by Simeerah

First off you dont know what you talking about, you must have cheated on your woman and she left you. Why you worried about who we need to see, maybe you need to see a shrink because you sound emotional yourself. I will let go of the past when I am good and ready, if we want to discuss our situations, its fine and well, but you dont have to respond to us, that is what couselors do, they listen so why not talk with someone who has experienced it, so you can go F*** yourself and dont worry about what us women have to talk about! Befuddled that!

 

Uh, um, well, uh, let's see now.....I've never cheated on "my woman" because I AM A WOMAN (a straight one at that LOL). Nice sexist assumption on your part, though.

 

Go "f" myself? Wow, I sure feel sorry for that 5 month old you have...if this is the kind of stable, mature mother he/she is being raised by. Yikes!

 

A sad thing....you and the original poster have had children by men you don't trust. Who's the silly one there? Poor kids.

[Simeerah]

whoever said I dont trust him, I said I still think about the past! ANd my baby has nothing to do with this, well you must be scrrewing a woman beetoch! Dont worry about us! You seem to be so worried, did your man or woman leave you b/c you was insecure ! Sounds like it! God bless you!

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by Simeerah

whoever said I dont trust him, I said I still think about the past! ANd my baby has nothing to do with this, well you must be scrrewing a woman beetoch! Dont worry about us! You seem to be so worried, did your man or woman leave you b/c you was insecure ! Sounds like it! God bless you!

 

Whoever said you didn't trust your guy? Well let's see now.....the gal you responded to told of how she didn't trust her boyfriend, and you replied with something to the effect of "I'm in the same boat, I can relate"..so one wouldn't have to be a descendent of Albert Einstein to come to the conclusion that you also don't trust your guy. Duh. LOL

 

Your baby has a lot to do with this. If you can't forget the past and you can relate to other young women who are paranoid about their boyfriend's cheating, then it begs the question of WHY would you have a child with someone you didn't trust and couldn't forgive? If your relationship was so peachy, I doubt you'd be here posting about your problems with trust and inability to let go of the past, no?

 

I'm so worried? No, quite the contrary. I'm just amazed to see women who remain in relationships with men they don't trust.......I'm amazed to see women who are so paranoid and untrusting of their partners that they're doing everything that's going to drive the poor guy away. It's frankly quite sad to see women so insecure and possessive and paranoid.

 

I'm insecure? Hardly! LOL What does this thread have to do with ME? Answer: nothing. I wouldn't ever think so little of myself as a woman to stay with a man who cheated on me. I'm not that desperate. Nor would I remain with a guy whose past I couldn't put behind me. Nor would I get myself pregnant by some guy I didn't fully trust. But hey, that's me. God bless you too!!

[Simeerah]

Ok Mommy I didnt plan on getting pregnant, just because I said I can relate doesnt mean I dont trust my man now! Why you sweating us anyways and why are you on this site again! You need to go and get your PHD if you wanna give your advice, Dr Phill! I am not deseparte honey, believe that, and ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME, so you can keep talking since you know it all. You sound like a redneck too, gal... who uses this! pobably old and cant get a man! Well stay amazed since you dont have a life! You have to judge others to get satisfaction. We will make it, I just saw an opportunity to talk with others, but never thought there would be negative witches on here. SO dont worry about me and if I am insecure, just try and find you young man! seem like you an older woman with no life! Since you a STRONG WOMAN get off this thread, dont respond, go to some other thread dealing with old, senile women

[jenny]

i think part of the problem here is the confusion of omnibus response. before this turns into another flame war:

 

mommy:

 

if you have suspicions, ask your boyfriend. if he assures you, and you have no reason to believe he is lying, then let it go. it sounds like you have a good man; give him the freedom to be a good man. know he loves you, and you deserve his love. don't sabotage yourself.

 

bittersweet:

 

i'm so sorry that happened to you. good for you for developing a calm, logical, and rigourous list of possible clues; i think that was a really helpful guide for mommy.

 

simeerah:

 

that's a tough situation, i expect. have you posted seperately about your fears? if you have a problem, please post and then people can consider your story seperately.

[Simeerah]

Hey Jenny what do you mean posted separately? I just posted how I felt on a thread and got negative feedback which everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I just wanted to talk to someone about my feelings and what I was going through, not a mother firgure ya know. I am working on my the issues I have and I believe everything will work out for the best, but if someone hasnt been what you been through they should not try and voice what they dont understand!

[jenny]

i totally understand. but i think this thread got confusing because it was not clear to whom we should direct our advice - it would just make it simpler if you had a thread of your own - and you can gather sympathy and advice there, if you see what i mean? i am sure mommy appreaciated your support, and could support you in return in your thread or consider your individual, particular, situation. just a thought, anyway.

[Simeerah]

Yes I agree, I wasnt referring to Mommy78, I was actually defending her and myself, I called the other person mommy because she was so worried and concerned like a mother would be.

[mommy78]

Wow, I've been gone for a couple of days to find out that my Post has turned into a drama.

 

Befuddled: I'm glad you're see that you like to cause a little "excitment" but I dont even bother to read through what you have to say anyway. I have, however, read the part about "No man wants to be with a possesive girlfriend.....etc." You know nothing about the way I am or the way he is. You have not heard the full story. Infact you know nothing about me and this post has nothing to do with being possesive. Did I say I was possesive? Being possesive and accusing someone are two different things. You can post all the sh*t you want. I have you on *ignore*

 

To the rest of you, thanks for your concern. For those who know what I'm going through, pretty much understand the feeling. Again, I am "trying" my hardest to not think he is cheating on me. It's hard, but I'm trying. I let him know all the time when I'm feeling this way. I dont really accuse him anymore, I just tell him that I'm in that "mood" again. He understands I guess.

 

This is more then just any relationships any of you have. We're not just boyfriend and girlfriend, but pratically like a married couple that have children. It's not that easy to just let go and its not that easy to just trust him but to try and work it through.

 

*I no longer want to hear from befuddled*