Is it normal to worry about tiny things in LDR's?

[HeavenOrHell]

It feels like the tiniest things can get to me in an LDR, I've never felt this in any other r/ship, like today he didn't come to look for me online as usual, or text to say would I like him to call me/could he call, so I went to look for him online and he sounded tired and a bit stressed from work and it just seemed obvious he didn't wanna talk so I didn't suggest it.

But I felt crap after, thinking how nice a 5 min call would have been. Now I just feel annoyed for feeling needy and getting insecure just cos he doesn't call for one night. I don't want to feel like this, I didn't feel this in the 18 years with my ex.

I guess it's mostly the distance magnifying everything and also insecurities still from ex leaving.

When I feel needy I just want to back right off and think sod this, I don't want to care about someone else so much and feel crap when they're not in the mood to talk. I was the opposite of needy with my ex.

When my ex was grumpy he'd ask me to leave him to it, I guess that's how my partner feels tonight, but it just feels weird cos he's so far away.

I wish he'd wanted to talk to me, I think it feels like sometimes I need him more than he needs me or that I miss him more and then I just feel angry for feeling like this.

When the fact is he just wanted to relax in front of the TV and was too tired for a call I guess, but it just feels like he had no need to talk to me

Is it normal to magnify tiny things in LDR's? And to worry about little things?

[folieadeux]

I think what you're feeling is TOTALLY normal. It doesn't make you needy or insecure at all...LDRs have their own set of rules and the most insignificant things can get magnified tenfold. That's why you never felt that way in your other relationships. When the person isn't physically with you all the time, it's easy to assume the worst and let paranoia and fear overtake things.

 

I think it's weird that he didn't have time for a five minute call. Even on my worst day, hearing from my boyfriend always makes things better. I think he could have at least given you a quick call to explain that he wouldn't be able to chat as per usual because he wasn't feeling up to it for whatever reason that night -- I'm sure that would have made you feel better.

 

I think it all comes down to a difference in personality...some people just need more contact than others.

[wild_urge]

OMG, the same thing is happening to me RIGHT NOW.

I came home early today hopping that we might be alone for a whole, well, it has been 6h since I came home and he is still not on Skype and I texted him like 3 times ( he can't answer ), but it's really annoying. He said he'll go to the gym after school and he usually comes home late after gym, because he drinks beers with friends afterwards, but it's past midnight for him and he is either still out ( then what is he doing so late on a Thursday night ??? ) or he's asleep and ignoring my text messages ( why doesn't he want to talk to me ??? ). I have to study, but for the past, 6h I can't think about anything else except for him and I have to work after school tomorrow so we will not talk. I am so stressed right now . . .

[wild_urge]

Oh, yeah, I also get the feeling that I need to talk to him more than he needs to talk to me. I hate it. . . what can you do, we are all different . . .

[LittleTiger]

If it's normal, then I guess my kiwi man and I aren't normal.

 

'Tiny' things like this have never come up. We talk on skype for at least an hour every day and usually closer to two on average - one at each end of the day if his shifts allow it. Sometimes he'll even ring me on his mobile just to say hi (NZ to UK). We conduct our relationship pretty much as though we're already married and living together (albeit mostly from 12,000 miles apart! )

 

If he's not online when he says he will be or if he doesn't text me when I expect him to then my first thought is that he's late out of work, or he's still asleep and my second thought is that something has happened to him. I have never once worried that something is wrong with our relationship or that he doesn't want to talk to me.

 

This might sound strange to some of you but if I thought there was any chance he didn't want to talk to me one day, I would be a lot more than just 'worried'. In our relationship, that would be like living with someone and have them decide not to come home one evening because they were tired and didn't feel like being sociable - and I don't call that something 'tiny'.

[HeavenOrHell]

Ugh, I'm sorry, LDR's really suck sometimes

 

 

OMG, the same thing is happening to me RIGHT NOW.

I came home early today hopping that we might be alone for a whole, well, it has been 6h since I came home and he is still not on Skype and I texted him like 3 times ( he can't answer ), but it's really annoying. He said he'll go to the gym after school and he usually comes home late after gym, because he drinks beers with friends afterwards, but it's past midnight for him and he is either still out ( then what is he doing so late on a Thursday night ??? ) or he's asleep and ignoring my text messages ( why doesn't he want to talk to me ??? ). I have to study, but for the past, 6h I can't think about anything else except for him and I have to work after school tomorrow so we will not talk. I am so stressed right now . . .

[Taucher]

I think that to some extent it depends on how much someone is a worrier. I consider myself to be somewhat laid back (I might be wrong) and not prone to worrying or paranoia, but we have spoken every day for at least an hour for 3 months...until today! She texted me twice and said she is stuck at work. For some inexplicable mad reason, the idea popped into my head "maybe she has met someone else". I dismissed that thought straight away but still, where did that come from? She has done nothing to make me think that ever, at all. As she is 5 hours behind and it is late here (past midnight) we probably wont speak. Really, every day for 3 months of lots of daily contact is pretty good I think and we are probably due a couple of unavailable days. But its easy to forget all the times we are there to speak to each other and just think about this time today where it hasnt quite worked.

 

In a way, I think we are spoilt. She is in South America, I am in UK but it is easy for us to talk every day, and cheap too. And like you, HoH, I have never really been panicky in previous relationships.

 

Try not to stress. Everyone has off days.

 

T

[HeavenOrHell]

It's good to know it sounds normal to you But also a bit worried cos you also think it's weird he didn't want even a quick call even if he's grumpy/tired, I suppose what I wanted was for him to turn to me when he's feeling a bit crappy, which he does usually.

Not that I think there's a problem between us as such, it's just like you say some people need more contact that others. He's admits he's a loner, doesn't really have any local friends he sees, prefers to email or phone friends rather then see them face to face, or he'll have them stay now and again, or stay with them, as most of them live far away (which he prefers as he's socially awkward).

I'm just feeling the difference between him being so into me when I saw him at the w/end and didn't want me to leave, and today can't manage a quick call. I'd hate him to know this as it would come across as me wanting him to talk to me every day to prove his love for me, and if he thought that then he's got a point, which isn't good is it, I shouldn't be doubting him/us just cos of lack of one call, how crazy is that. I should be focussing on all the positives, not one little negative.

Makes me feel like trying to reduce my need to be in touch with him, I mean reduce the amount and just get on with the rest of my life here more rather than fretting about him too much.

 

 

I think what you're feeling is TOTALLY normal. It doesn't make you needy or insecure at all...LDRs have their own set of rules and the most insignificant things can get magnified tenfold. That's why you never felt that way in your other relationships. When the person isn't physically with you all the time, it's easy to assume the worst and let paranoia and fear overtake things.

 

I think it's weird that he didn't have time for a five minute call. Even on my worst day, hearing from my boyfriend always makes things better. I think he could have at least given you a quick call to explain that he wouldn't be able to chat as per usual because he wasn't feeling up to it for whatever reason that night -- I'm sure that would have made you feel better.

 

I think it all comes down to a difference in personality...some people just need more contact than others.

[lonely79]

I think it is COMPLETELY normal. I think LT has something out of the ordinary with her relationship (not sayin thats bad LT!!). I can remember plenty upon plenty of times i didnt feel like hangin out with or talking to ANYONE, even my SO (in the past, im sayin). i think everyone has those moods. as for LDRs magnifying everything, I am new to this, but I'm not a newbie at relationships by any means, and i have definitely noticed sometimes that silly little things can seem like the END OF THE WORLD and then later, youll hear from him, or talk about the "issue" and realize that you were just being paranoid or whatever and feel kinda dumb. I have learned to talk myself out of the paranoia, or at least through it so i dont lose my mind! I know some moments can be soooo hard though. you'll get through it!!

[HeavenOrHell]

I have to admit I'm envious of what the two of you have, you both seem to have the same amount of need for each other, want to have the same amount of contact, he sounds more open emotionally than my partner, I wish mine was more open emotionally, his ex found that difficult in him too.

He usually messages me to say if he's going out and won't be able to talk if he gets back too late, and I usually say don't worry I don't expect us to talk every night, which I don't if he's busy, (or if I'm busy) but he wasn't busy tonight.

I don't feel there's something wrong as such, it's more I'm sad he didn't feel the need to talk/didn't want to talk, stupidly it hurts a bit as there was no apparent reason to not talk.

On the other hand if I'm with friends in the eve he usually texts to find out where I am and if we can talk and will start to worry something's up if I don't talk to him for a couple of nights if he doesn't know it's cos I'm busy. But again, he wasn't busy tonight. I would hate him to feel obliged to call me every night for fear I'd be hurt otherwise, I only want him to call if he wants to.

I really don't like being in the situation of worrying if we miss a day talking, it seems unhealthy to me.

 

If it's normal, then I guess my kiwi man and I aren't normal.

 

'Tiny' things like this have never come up. We talk on skype for at least an hour every day and usually closer to two on average - one at each end of the day if his shifts allow it. Sometimes he'll even ring me on his mobile just to say hi (NZ to UK). We conduct our relationship pretty much as though we're already married and living together (albeit mostly from 12,000 miles apart! )

 

If he's not online when he says he will be or if he doesn't text me when I expect him to then my first thought is that he's late out of work, or he's still asleep and my second thought is that something has happened to him. I have never once worried that something is wrong with our relationship or that he doesn't want to talk to me.

 

This might sound strange to some of you but if I thought there was any chance he didn't want to talk to me one day, I would be a lot more than just 'worried'. In our relationship, that would be like living with someone and have them decide not to come home one evening because they were tired and didn't feel like being sociable - and I don't call that something 'tiny'.

[wild_urge]

Ugh, I'm sorry, LDR's really suck sometimes

 

I know, I mean, it's not something he usually does. Usually, he gets home and logs on Skype and he'll say goodnight at least, except for the other when we kind of had a fight ( there's a whole thread about it ). . . I don't know, maybe it's nothing, maybe I want his attention too much lately, I don't know, shopping didn't help at all. . . This is soooooooo depressing . . . I HATE LD !

[HeavenOrHell]

You mean completely normal that he didn't wanna talk while he's feeling tired/grumpy? I understand it too but still feel hurt, cos I wish he could have turned to me, I feel shut out.

Your post makes sense though, thank you

 

 

I think it is COMPLETELY normal. I think LT has something out of the ordinary with her relationship (not sayin thats bad LT!!). I can remember plenty upon plenty of times i didnt feel like hangin out with or talking to ANYONE, even my SO (in the past, im sayin). i think everyone has those moods. as for LDRs magnifying everything, I am new to this, but I'm not a newbie at relationships by any means, and i have definitely noticed sometimes that silly little things can seem like the END OF THE WORLD and then later, youll hear from him, or talk about the "issue" and realize that you were just being paranoid or whatever and feel kinda dumb. I have learned to talk myself out of the paranoia, or at least through it so i dont lose my mind! I know some moments can be soooo hard though. you'll get through it!!

[TokyoG33kyGal]

If it's normal, then I guess my kiwi man and I aren't normal.

 

'Tiny' things like this have never come up. We talk on skype for at least an hour every day and usually closer to two on average - one at each end of the day if his shifts allow it. Sometimes he'll even ring me on his mobile just to say hi (NZ to UK). We conduct our relationship pretty much as though we're already married and living together (albeit mostly from 12,000 miles apart! )

 

If he's not online when he says he will be or if he doesn't text me when I expect him to then my first thought is that he's late out of work, or he's still asleep and my second thought is that something has happened to him. I have never once worried that something is wrong with our relationship or that he doesn't want to talk to me.

 

This might sound strange to some of you but if I thought there was any chance he didn't want to talk to me one day, I would be a lot more than just 'worried'. In our relationship, that would be like living with someone and have them decide not to come home one evening because they were tired and didn't feel like being sociable - and I don't call that something 'tiny'.

 

i'm with you on that. my fiance and i don't e-mail or text a lot. we do chat on a regular basis but i don't expect him to be online all the time. there are days that i feel and he feels we need 'alone' time to do things on our own.

 

the idle mind is the devil's workshop. you jump into conclusions, become paranoid or worry. i do worry too when my fiance does not show up when i expect him to, but that is because we might have different expectations. i might be lucky that he gives me a heads up that he won't be around or a little busy sometimes. he makes me feel so loved so there's no tendency to constantly "need" him or to be there at my beck and call.

 

there's also this thing called 'martian rubberband.' guys usually do this after spending so much time together (in LDR's case: spending a lot of time talking on the phone or chat, e-mailing/texting back and forth).

[LittleTiger]

I have to admit I'm envious of what the two of you have, you both seem to have the same amount of need for each other, want to have the same amount of contact, he sounds more open emotionally than my partner.

 

Our relationship isn't perfect HOH, though I admit it's the closest to 'perfect' I've ever had. I know we're an exceptionally lucky couple. However, I couldn't/wouldn't be in a relationship with someone if I didn't feel they were investing the same time, effort and emotion into it.

 

When my marriage was good, I had the same sense of security that I do now with my kiwi man - we were both equally invested - if we hadn't been I would never have said 'I do'. You've obviously had the same thing in the past so how is it that you're prepared to accept less than that now?

 

He usually messages me to say if he's going out and won't be able to talk if he gets back too late, and I usually say don't worry I don't expect us to talk every night, which I don't if he's busy, (or if I'm busy) but he wasn't busy tonight.

I don't feel there's something wrong as such, it's more I'm sad he didn't feel the need to talk/didn't want to talk, stupidly it hurts a bit as there was no apparent reason to not talk.

 

I think you need to talk to him again HOH. If it's troubling you enough to post about it (and to stay up into the early hours doing so ), then it's worth letting him know how he made you feel.

 

On the other hand if I'm with friends in the eve he usually texts to find out where I am and if we can talk and will start to worry something's up if I don't talk to him for a couple of nights if he doesn't know it's cos I'm busy. But again, he wasn't busy tonight. I would hate him to feel obliged to call me every night for fear I'd be hurt otherwise, I only want him to call if he wants to.

I really don't like being in the situation of worrying if we miss a day talking, it seems unhealthy to me.

 

This bolded bit is a little confusing to me as it makes your relationship sound as though you are 'dating' and not involved in a serious committed relationship.

 

In my view, if you are committed to one another he shouldn't feel obliged to call you every night, he should want to..........and whilst it is unhealthy to worry too much, it's not unhealthy to expect a conversation every day with the person you are hoping to spend your life with.

[LittleTiger]

there are days that i feel and he feels we need 'alone' time to do things on our own.

 

I don't understand this in a LDR. Surely you have more 'alone' time than you need when you're living so far apart?

 

Our skype time is the highlight of the day for both of us. It's the LD equivalent of coming home to the arms of the person you love at the end of a hard day.

 

So 'stuff' alone time.

 

If either of us wants time alone there are at least another 21 hours in the day when we can do things 'alone'.

 

Nobody needs to sacrifice friendships or hobbies but, to make any relationship work, LD or not, the relationship itself needs nurturing - and, to us, that means quality time 'together' every single day.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

well we talk like crazy on sundays (for me) like straight for 8 hours XD. i dunno why but him and i can't stop talking when we get started lol

 

plus our time differences are really at the both ends of the world. he sacrifices his nights to chat with me, which is why i let him do his house chores and hobbies/distractions before after the chat.

Edited February 18, 2011 by TokyoG33kyGal

[Els]

Straight up, HOH... I think you've been doing a lot of denial in this relationship. You always mention problems that irk you, and then say that you think those problems are things that SHOULDN'T irk you, or that you're unreasonable to be irked by.

 

You may have noticed by now that the majority of times in your threads, most people have said that the problem ISN'T with you being too sensitive/easily offended/etc. I think that you're in denial about what you really need from a relationship because you keep thinking that you shouldn't need it. Shouldn't you?

 

I do know LDR couples who speak once every few days, sometimes don't speak to each other even when they're online and at home, etc. But it works for them. It evidently is not working for you. There is nothing wrong with that. It wouldn't work for me either.

 

I'm not saying you should dump him or anything like that. But why do you keep faulting yourself for your (perfectly normal, IMO) relationship needs by saying they're not healthy, tiny things that you shouldn't worry about, etc, instead of trying to get them MET?

[Citizen Erased]

Well put Elswyth, couldn't agree more.

 

It's just not acceptable to either of us to not speak to each other daily. If we couldn't, we'd make sure the other person knows ahead of time.

 

When will you push for your needs to be met? Denial is the right word. If you feel something, expect something, that he can't give you, that's when you discuss and compromise. Not accept that you're being unreasonable and let it keep bothering you.

[HeavenOrHell]

Many thanks for all the replies.

 

I feel I'm being unreasonable because when we talk or when I am with him or when I read his emails/texts, there is no doubt in my mind about us, or what his feelings for me are, so I feel like I'm nit picking or looking for problems which aren't there, last weekend with him was amazing, I feel I should be thinking about that rather than latching onto problems which aren't there. I feel very loved and special to him and it's only when I over think things that I feel upset about what I feel are tiny things, when rationally I *know* everything is ok between us.

Rationally I know he didn't want to talk as he was feeling tired and there's nothing more to it, but the sensitive part of me still thinks he could have called even if only to say goodnight.

In fairness there have occasionally been one or two nights in a row when I've felt too tired/unsociable to talk, which I'm not proud of, and most of the time he does the running when it comes to talking, ie he'll text and say about calling, so he could be thinking that he initiates calls more than me, which is true.

[LittleTiger]

That may be so HOH, but you said earlier that you 'envied' my relationship. Now, I'm certainly not holding 'us' up as the perfect couple by any means - there is no such thing as a perfect relationship and what works for us may not work for others - but it is how we both want things to be. It's part of what makes us compatible and what makes the relationship 'work' for both of us - regardless of the distance.

 

If you feel envy it usually means you want what someone else has. So if you want a relationship like mine, what's stopping you from going out and finding one?

 

As Elswyth says, we all need and want different things so you shouldn't be ashamed of knowing what you want and asking for it. The relationship you currently have seems to cause you more anguish than joy - that's my perception anyway - based on what you post on LS. You know what a 'good' relationship feels like for you, and you've already admitted it doesn't feel like this one. So what makes you stay in it?

[HeavenOrHell]

Most of the time I feel happy, although I usually only post when I'm finding something difficult rather than when I feel happy, so I'm not giving a balanced view of how I feel in general about him/us, I'm projecting only the bad.

I envy your r/ship because your partner seems more forthcoming and not as closed emotionally as my partner, shows enthusiasm more. I do wish he was more open emotionally and I've told him I find that difficult and he is trying to change that, but I don't know if he will be able to.

Despite me struggling at times, I love him and want to be with him, we have something special, and for the most part I am happy, ultimately it is the distance which is the problem as I don't feel anything but secure and happy when we are together or when we are talking online/phone.

I have no desire to leave him, I would also find it hard to find someone else I click with so well, what I mean is I can't imagine anyone 'better' out there for me or who I would rather be with, although I know I said that after my ex left, but I don't want to be with anyone else but my partner, it would break both our hearts deeply to end things.

I don't think I've said this doesn't feel like a good r/ship, I don't feel that, I feel it *is* a good r/ship but it has its problems because of distance, but hopefully any problems are ones which can be worked through.

 

 

That may be so HOH, but you said earlier that you 'envied' my relationship. Now, I'm certainly not holding 'us' up as the perfect couple by any means - there is no such thing as a perfect relationship and what works for us may not work for others - but it is how we both want things to be. It's part of what makes us compatible and what makes the relationship 'work' for both of us - regardless of the distance.

 

If you feel envy it usually means you want what someone else has. So if you want a relationship like mine, what's stopping you from going out and finding one?

 

As Elswyth says, we all need and want different things so you shouldn't be ashamed of knowing what you want and asking for it. The relationship you currently have seems to cause you more anguish than joy - that's my perception anyway - based on what you post on LS. You know what a 'good' relationship feels like for you, and you've already admitted it doesn't feel like this one. So what makes you stay in it?

[arguedrailsbe]

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[HeavenOrHell]

Maybe, for once, I could say what's good about this r/ship and why for the most part I am happy!

He is very loving, warm, compassionate, affectionate, considerate, kind hearted. He is sensitive towards me and his friends, he is always there for me and his friends when I/we need support of any kind, he tries to make me and his friends feel good about ourselves, he is a sweet, genuine and extremely sincere person, and despite my posts here I often think how lucky I am to be with him, I thought this yesterday too, until I got bogged down by thinking there was a problem just cos he was too tired to talk. He has said several times he wants to make me feel loved and special. When he talks to me or emails me or when I'm with him, his love for me is clear, obvious and deep, I have no doubts or insecurities then.

We feel the same, or very similar, on all the things which are most important to us ie politics, religion, human rights and animal welfare, we are very like minded, we are unconventional in many of the same ways, we can be ourselves in each other's company.

We have a similar sense of humour and we are extremely sexually compatible, more so than any of my other partners.

When I say I'm not happy about something to do with us he says he always wants to know if I'm not happy, even if I worry it will hurt him, he wants to know how I feel and to be there for me.

That's why I want to be with him.

I often make the mistake of assuming things in our r/ship and imagining the worst rather than asking him.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

don't compare your relationship with the relationships here in LS, your boyfriend is different from other people's boyfriends. you should be proud of the things you just mentioned and repeat that on your mind when those little worries start to creep in. unless there's really something lacking in your relationship that needs to be addressed.

[HeavenOrHell]

Very true I shouldn't compare us/him to others because it's beside the point, what matters is how I/we feel about each other and our r/ship. Realistically there is nothing which is really lacking in our r/ship.

I think basically I have post meet up blues because our time together was so lovely and now I'm back to missing him

 

 

don't compare your relationship with the relationships here in LS, your boyfriend is different from other people's boyfriends. you should be proud of the things you just mentioned and repeat that on your mind when those little worries start to creep in. unless there's really something lacking in your relationship that needs to be addressed.