Is it normal to worry about tiny things in LDR's?

[LittleTiger]

Very true I shouldn't compare us/him to others because it's beside the point, what matters is how I/we feel about each other and our r/ship. Realistically there is nothing which is really lacking in our r/ship.

I think basically I have post meet up blues because our time together was so lovely and now I'm back to missing him

 

Of course you shouldn't 'compare' your relationship to anyone else's, HOH, but I don't think that's what you're doing here. I think you have developed an awareness, through reading about other people's relationships, of what you need in your own......and self-awareness is the key to having the relationship you want - so that's a good thing.

 

Your partner sounds like a lovely man and you are clearly compatible on many levels which is fantastic. Perhaps there is nothing lacking in your relationship - when you are together - but the reality of your relationship is that, at least for the foreseeable future, most of the time you are not together......and it's when you're not together that your needs are not being met.

 

Do you think you could assert yourself a little more in order to get your needs met in this relationship? If you could, perhaps that would help you to stop fretting about the 'tiny things'.

 

Of course the risk then is, if you do assert yourself, and you still don't get your needs met, are you prepared to 'stick with it' as it is for a minimum of two more years?

 

Bearing in mind that your partner's ex also found him to be emotionally 'closed' do you feel he's likely to change? If not, won't you find that just as difficult to deal with when you eventually get to end the distance?

 

I'm sorry if I seem to be focusing on the negative but I feel it's really important. I don't like to see people coming up against the same difficulties over and over again and that seems to be happening here. I really believe that if you don't face up to the reality of your LDR you could be stuck on what seems to be quite a rollercoaster of emotions, for quite some time.

[wild_urge]

Hey, I thing that you have nothing to worry about. You love him and you feel that he loves you, that's enough. I mean, ok, maybe he will not call if he doesn't feel like talking once in a while, but that is normal for some people, just because you want to talk to him every single day doesn't mean that the relationship is bad. There are just something we have to accept, nothing is perfect, so let's be happy, if he was abusive for example, that would be a problem. Now I was really stressed yesterday, I seriously waited by the computer for 6h wishing that he'll log online. At first I was really frustrated, but then I thought about how his mother always calls him and wants t know where he is and what he's doing and he's 25, it's annoying, but then . . . I am trying to do the same thing, am I not ? Well I don't want to be that controlling, I want him to be able to no talk to me for a day if he needs to ( and there are people like that ). So I calmed down by the end of the night. This morning he sent me an email, saying that he didn't get the grant he wanted to get at school so he was really mad and tired after gym and didn't want to come online just upset me. I believe that. So I suggest that we learn how to give them some space, that's all, it's not that they love us less than the people that call each other five times a day. After all, you don't tell if someone loves you from their words, but from their actions. What matters is that at the end you'll get to spend your lives together and he waited as much as you did , not how many times he skipped calling. ))

Maybe we should have a thread, where we can all complain about small things that upset us daily

[hoping2heal]

It feels like the tiniest things can get to me in an LDR, I've never felt this in any other r/ship, like today he didn't come to look for me online as usual, or text to say would I like him to call me/could he call, so I went to look for him online and he sounded tired and a bit stressed from work and it just seemed obvious he didn't wanna talk so I didn't suggest it.

But I felt crap after, thinking how nice a 5 min call would have been. Now I just feel annoyed for feeling needy and getting insecure just cos he doesn't call for one night. I don't want to feel like this, I didn't feel this in the 18 years with my ex.

I guess it's mostly the distance magnifying everything and also insecurities still from ex leaving.

When I feel needy I just want to back right off and think sod this, I don't want to care about someone else so much and feel crap when they're not in the mood to talk. I was the opposite of needy with my ex.

When my ex was grumpy he'd ask me to leave him to it, I guess that's how my partner feels tonight, but it just feels weird cos he's so far away.

I wish he'd wanted to talk to me, I think it feels like sometimes I need him more than he needs me or that I miss him more and then I just feel angry for feeling like this.

When the fact is he just wanted to relax in front of the TV and was too tired for a call I guess, but it just feels like he had no need to talk to me

Is it normal to magnify tiny things in LDR's? And to worry about little things?

 

This happens even to those not in an LDR. This type of worrying is usually related to the lack of security you feel within the relationship. You do not feel certain this RS is steady and secure and therefore the little things give you pause and worry.

[LittleTiger]

Maybe we should have a thread, where we can all complain about small things that upset us daily

 

You could do that......or you could just talk to your SOs about what's upsetting you so that you can sort out the small things and not have them upset you any more.

 

I've no doubt some of you will think I'm being too harsh but I can only think of one person on the LDR forum who seems genuinely ok with not having contact with his partner every day and that's Creighton (my apologies Creighton if I've got that wrong).

 

It's not a problem if the 'no contact' on the occasional day is because of lack of phone signal, internet going down, time differences or mismatched schedules - that happens to all of us now and again. It's also ok if both of you are happy with chatting every few days. What's not ok is if it happens regularly because one of you (usually the same person) just 'doesn't feel like it'.

 

If you can put your hand on your heart and say you're ok with the days when your SO or 'isn't in the mood for chatting' or 'wants alone time' then, great - there's no problem - but the truth is many/most of you can't say you're ok with it.

 

LDRs are different from normal RL relationships of course, but they require more communication and openness, not less. Relationships (any relationships) break down because one or both parties are not getting their needs met. There are a million different ways in which that might manifest itself and a million different outcomes too and those of you who have ever had a broken LTR know what I'm talking about.

 

Every one of us is responsible for making sure our SO knows what our needs are in the relationship. Whether they choose to act on that knowledge is up to them. However, if you, or they, continue to feel 'short-changed' the relationship will be damaged in the long run and the eventual outcome is going to be heartbreak.

[HeavenOrHell]

I've never felt lack of security in any r/ship before, so it's the fact we don't see much of each other, in a 'normal' r/ship feelings of security come from spending time together and from physical affection, it's not that I doubt the r/ship as such.

 

 

 

This happens even to those not in an LDR. This type of worrying is usually related to the lack of security you feel within the relationship. You do not feel certain this RS is steady and secure and therefore the little things give you pause and worry.

[HeavenOrHell]

It doesn't happen regularly that he's too tired or stressed to talk, it's happened maybe twice in 9 months, if it happened a lot I would be very unhappy.

I feel my problem is that I internalise things or catastrophise/think the worst, I do this in all aspects of my life not just with him, it is part of my anxiety, so if he misses a day talking to me I assume the worst, rather than being rational and thinking 'oh he's just tired.' In fairness I have also had days now and again when I've not called him as I've been knackered.

I want to be ok with the fact we might not talk every single day, I am not happy being in any way dependent on another person to make me feel happy, I was very independent with my ex for 18 years, so much so that in the end he didn't feel important, I screwed up and regretted it, but I don't like going to the other extreme now and feeling I will be gutted if my partner doesn't call me, that isn't healthy, it's not a position I like being in, I don't want it to be a worrying thing if he doesn't call.

I want us to call each other because we want to and not out of a need or think we'd better call every single day otherwise they will be worried/upset, it takes the joy out of it.

After he didn't call the night before last, I am getting to the point I feel am ok with him not calling sometimes and not taking it personally, because he is the sort of person who needs space sometimes and can be distant, my ex was the same and I just used to leave him to it, I am the same, I need space sometimes too. If he needed a lot of space then I wouldn't be ok with it.

I think that even in LDR's that sometimes you need space, yes you spend most of your time apart, but mentally you are very close, sometimes I need to concentrate on other things or might be too tired to talk and might skip a phone call with him, and very rarely, he might not call if he's too tired, which is reasonable.

I don't want to be in a cloying r/ship where I feel pressure to call them and I don't want him to feel that either, we talk every day with the occasional exception, it's not healthy to be miserable if we don't talk one day, if it happened a lot then that would be cause for worry. I don't want a r/ship where we have to be joined at the hip and never let each other do their own thing, LD or even in a local r/ship.

 

He doesn't feel obliged to call me, he calls because he wants to, which is how it should be, but we all have different levels of communication and I've made the mistake of comparing him to other men/partners who want more communication, for the most part we have as much communication as I want/need.

LT it concerns me that you would be 'a lot more than worried' if he didn't contact you one day, you likened it to living together and them not coming home that night as they weren't feeling sociable, but I'd liken it to then maybe going off and having a bath on their own cos they want to chill for a bit on their own cos they're tired or stressed.

I'm realising that on the rare occasion he doesn't call it's not about ME.

I've come full circle with this subject, and feel I made way too much a deal out of in the first place, it's helped to write about it though and all your replies have helped me see things more clearly

 

 

You could do that......or you could just talk to your SOs about what's upsetting you so that you can sort out the small things and not have them upset you any more.

 

I've no doubt some of you will think I'm being too harsh but I can only think of one person on the LDR forum who seems genuinely ok with not having contact with his partner every day and that's Creighton (my apologies Creighton if I've got that wrong).

 

It's not a problem if the 'no contact' on the occasional day is because of lack of phone signal, internet going down, time differences or mismatched schedules - that happens to all of us now and again. It's also ok if both of you are happy with chatting every few days. What's not ok is if it happens regularly because one of you (usually the same person) just 'doesn't feel like it'.

 

If you can put your hand on your heart and say you're ok with the days when your SO or 'isn't in the mood for chatting' or 'wants alone time' then, great - there's no problem - but the truth is many/most of you can't say you're ok with it.

 

LDRs are different from normal RL relationships of course, but they require more communication and openness, not less. Relationships (any relationships) break down because one or both parties are not getting their needs met. There are a million different ways in which that might manifest itself and a million different outcomes too and those of you who have ever had a broken LTR know what I'm talking about.

 

Every one of us is responsible for making sure our SO knows what our needs are in the relationship. Whether they choose to act on that knowledge is up to them. However, if you, or they, continue to feel 'short-changed' the relationship will be damaged in the long run and the eventual outcome is going to be heartbreak.

[Els]

I want to be ok with the fact we might not talk every single day, I am not happy being in any way dependent on another person to make me feel happy,

 

Firstly, let me say that I do think there is nothing wrong with you guys having different communication needs, as long as you are able to work out some sort of a compromise that makes you both happy most of the time.

 

But I really, really wonder why you equate wanting to talk every day to being 'dependent' on another person to feel happy. Where do you draw the line, then? Wouldn't having ANY needs in a relationship make you 'dependent', since according to your theory, one should be okay with anything one's partner does in order to not be 'dependent'?

 

It's like you keep convincing yourself that you're wrong somehow to want to talk everyday. It's ingrained nature, and certainly not wrong!!! Just because you want some contact everyday doesn't necessarily make you dependent on someone else for your happiness. Some people are, of course, but for the rest of us, it's just a relationship need.

 

I'm not talking about if your partner has work, extenuating circumstances, etc. I'm not saying he has to be on the phone with you every free second he has. But the level of contact you want sounds perfectly reasonable to me. It's okay if you have to compromise and get a little less, as long as you're happy. It's not so okay to tell yourself you're wrong for not being happy with a level of contact that doesn't suit you.

[HeavenOrHell]

We do have contact 99% of days, it's only approximately twice in 9 months that he's felt too tired to talk, that is pretty reasonable surely?!

Where I draw the line is when I feel my mood were to change if he didn't call, I feel too needy then, no-one else is calling me that or implying that, it is me who's not happy with that.

It's not needy as such to want to talk every day, but I am not happy if on the rare occasion he doesn't call it makes me feel low because I am wrongly thinking he's bored or not as into me as I'm into him, etc etc. How can that be healthy? it is my low self esteem and anxiety making me think negatively.

How can we compromise on how much we talk when we already talk every, day except twice, and like I said I am happy with the level of contact most of the time, 99% of the time. He wants to talk every day 99% of the time too.

I think it's ok to need your partner (and friends) to a certain extent but I don't think it's ok if your moods are determined to a great extent by something like them not calling one time.

Most people on this site say how we should never need anyone, that it's not healthy and that we need to work on ourselves and get to the point where we don't need another person to make us happy, I don't agree with that, I think it is ok and natural to need someone, but only to a certain point, where you can function well whether they are with you or not.

No, it's not wrong to want to talk every day, but it is wrong of me to assume there is a problem during the rare times he doesn't want to talk, I am making it into a problem where there isn't one.

 

 

 

Firstly, let me say that I do think there is nothing wrong with you guys having different communication needs, as long as you are able to work out some sort of a compromise that makes you both happy most of the time.

 

But I really, really wonder why you equate wanting to talk every day to being 'dependent' on another person to feel happy. Where do you draw the line, then? Wouldn't having ANY needs in a relationship make you 'dependent', since according to your theory, one should be okay with anything one's partner does in order to not be 'dependent'?

 

It's like you keep convincing yourself that you're wrong somehow to want to talk everyday. It's ingrained nature, and certainly not wrong!!! Just because you want some contact everyday doesn't necessarily make you dependent on someone else for your happiness. Some people are, of course, but for the rest of us, it's just a relationship need.

 

I'm not talking about if your partner has work, extenuating circumstances, etc. I'm not saying he has to be on the phone with you every free second he has. But the level of contact you want sounds perfectly reasonable to me. It's okay if you have to compromise and get a little less, as long as you're happy. It's not so okay to tell yourself you're wrong for not being happy with a level of contact that doesn't suit you.

[LittleTiger]

Most people on this site say how we should never need anyone, that it's not healthy and that we need to work on ourselves and get to the point where we don't need another person to make us happy, I don't agree with that, I think it is ok and natural to need someone, but only to a certain point, where you can function well whether they are with you or not.

No, it's not wrong to want to talk every day, but it is wrong of me to assume there is a problem during the rare times he doesn't want to talk, I am making it into a problem where there isn't one.

 

Perhaps some of us are reading more into your post than is actually there and I agree that it's not healthy to assume there's a problem in your relationship if you don't have good grounds for thinking that way. However, to me, any behaviour that is drastically 'out of character' or different from the 'norm' is usually worth discussing at the very least. So if this is only the second time your partner hasn't wanted to talk, I would be definitely be asking if he's ok.

 

In my own situation I would be 'more than worried' if he didn't contact me because it would be so out of the ordinary. Provided he can get a signal, he always texts or phones from his mobile to let me know if he can't get online within half an hour of the planned time. There is a good reason for this besides just common courtesty. He does a dangerous job and if I don't hear from him as planned, I have every reason to worry.

 

If he 'didn't want to talk to me' for some reason that would be so 'unheard of' I would have very good reason to worry about that too.

 

With regards to your 'having a bath analogy, I think we just see this rather differently. We both have energetic hobbies that we like to do alone so that's our 'alone' time. If we have a bath - we do it together! Although we're LD, we 'share' our lives - all aspects of it. He's the first person I want to talk to in the morning and the last person I want to talk to at night - fortunately he feels the same. If one of us felt differently I would consider us incompatible.

 

I completely agree with you about people needing other people. I have no idea where becoming entirely 'self sufficient' entered the manual of how to be a well developed human being. It's total bull in my opinion. All human beings need other people and most of us need a romantic partner - it's how nature intended it. I also see nothing wrong with having an emotional need for a partner providing it doesn't become total dependence. In my book, needing your partner and getting your needs met is not the same as being 'needy'.