woops1805 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 So I asked my friend if she would like to go out with me. She said NO:(, and said only she saw me as a friend. That was really hard for me to ask her, as I am a very shy person. The uncertainty was unbearable. After a few days of emotional anguish, I am feeling better and have a clearer head. I have come to acceptance that she sees me as a friend, and nothing more (even though I hope there can be more). I am seeing her again this weekend with a group of friends. This event was pre-arranged awhile back. I still value the friendship very much. The question is how I should act when I see her. I will act as if nothing has happened, and eventually we can go back to normal, although she will know that I had feelings for her, but would not know if I still had them or how strong they were. What are your experiences in this type of situation. How long did it take for you to get back to normal as friends, and did it change the dynamics of the existing relationship. Were you able to joke about the situation with her. I do not want to cut her off, and she is in many of my social circle of friends. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 It is going to take some self-reassurance to carry on as normal, but that is exactly what you need to do. Win her continued respect through maintaining your boundaries and interacting with as little discomfort as possible. Maybe, for some odd reason, it will become easier to look her directly in the eye and continue the friendship, just because you were so bold as to make yourself vulnerable in terms of your feelings for her. Resist the temptation to go all-in along the same lines again anytime soon. (the very best thing you could do would be to seek other romantic options and even evolve to where this girl sees you deeply involved with another partner. It would both get your mind off of her, and it would cause her to see you behaving as a thriving half of a romantic partnership) Link to post Share on other sites
Trovador Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 You are against the odds, a friendship rarely will evolve into something romantic, especially (according to my experience) if it's a guy the one interested in something more... The problem with hanging out in her circle is that your feeling more surely than not, will grow, something to do with rejection and wanting what one can't have... of course, the mature thing to do is pretending you are fine, but it's so hard that many of us who have been there (and I think every guy in this world has been there) choose to go out of that situation either the gracious or the cold turkey way... as I have never been able to pull away gradually I just have disappeared the faster the better, except this time, with my "current" ex... I just told her (some minutes ago) that instead of talking long hours every day, I'd call her within some days , since NC and LC and friendship and whatever (I tried everything) were useless... If you ask me, not seeing at all the girl you love it's not so bad as seeing her from a distance... Do something though, do not worry too much about this situation... Link to post Share on other sites
Tofu Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 Yeh dont beat yourself up about it man, all guys have been through the same taste of rejection like that at some point in their lives so dont feel bad! Itll take a little bit of time to get over this situation but just keep being the friends you were like before, dont change anything watever you guys did together as good friends and overtime this whole thing should be behind the both of you. It wont be easy knowing this has happened but its better than being distant towards her, this will only deteriorate your friendship so best to keep contact like you always have. Dont worry man youll be fine, the ppl at LS have your back Link to post Share on other sites
Ajax Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 I admitted my feelings to a friend of mine a few years ago and she didn't feel the same. I went into damage control mode and tried to clear the air by hanging out with her as if nothing had happened. Six years and sevral relationships later on both our parts, and our friendship is as strong as it was before the "incident." It took a while and some work but eventually it stopped being awkward. No we never joke about it. Neither of us have ever mentioned it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author woops1805 Posted February 19, 2011 Author Share Posted February 19, 2011 I admitted my feelings to a friend of mine a few years ago and she didn't feel the same. I went into damage control mode and tried to clear the air by hanging out with her as if nothing had happened. Six years and sevral relationships later on both our parts, and our friendship is as strong as it was before the "incident." It took a while and some work but eventually it stopped being awkward. No we never joke about it. Neither of us have ever mentioned it again. Ajax, do you still have the same feelings for her, or have you moved on. I'm pretty sure that I can just pretend that nothing has happened and it will be business as usual. The test will be when I see her and see if the theory works. I have come to acceptance, but I guess when I next see her, I will be a bit embarrassed as I have opened myself, something that I don't really do. As per your advice I will avoid the awkwardness and pretend nothing has happened. Although I can see a funny side to it, I will keep the jokes to myself then. I don't want to advance anymore on her creepiness index. Link to post Share on other sites
D78 Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 woops1805, Play like nothing happened until things aren't awkward. If you remain friends, I bet one day you will laugh about it. I laugh with my one-time high school crush about how I told him I liked him. We were never a couple, but we became close friends and still are. I didn't hold on to my feelings. I actually played matchmaker at my best friend's request, and helped her get together with my one-time crush. They are now married and have a beautiful child For what it's worth, I seriously doubt you are on her creepiness index at all. Maybe, her flattery index... Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Call Me Al Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 Yeah dont overanalyze it. You said how you felt, she didnt feel the same. If she cares and values you as a friend, she will let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
susanfollows Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 The problems here just are astoundingly HUGE. I'm going to give you the best advice ever ok, you don't want to be her friend anymore you want to have sex with her, she told you no and expects nothing to change? Who is the wrong one here? I'm a girl and whenever a man has asked me to change from a friend to something more I immediately either 1. slept with him and gave in or 2. told him no and ended the friendship In the end it will be you who's suffering while she's out with other guys and flirting expecting you to be there for her, my advice is change your whole attitude with her and tell her you're not interested in being her friend anymore as things have changed. It might peak her interest and she'll wonder "what has he changed about himself?" Otherwise you're in for heartache Link to post Share on other sites
Trovador Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 I guess it is easier to continue with the friendship when it's been only a crush, summer or puppy love, infatuation, confusion oir just physical attraction but not deep feelings... You know better than us what you feel for her. If it's something genuine (not saying crushes are not but they are temporal) you should protect yourself and get away... I think you are in school, right? And what did she say? Is she really confortable being friends with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author woops1805 Posted February 19, 2011 Author Share Posted February 19, 2011 I guess since we did not make it past friends, the heartache has eased within a week. I'm not sure if this is because the deeper feelings did not develop as in a bf/gf relationship, or a change in mindset to acceptance. Feelings are there but there are contained now. I see no point in cutting her off. Avoiding her will hamper me from expanding my social circle. I will still go and meet people, but finding the right one is so difficult. I meet people, but most are more like associates. Only few become good close friends, and fewer are ones that I really like. I have not yet talked to her yet, but will tomorrow. As I have had time to know her, I believe there will be an unspoken agreement that we want to resume things as per normal. (Find out tomorrow). I'm not in school (I'm past 30), but just have not really been in the dating scene. This situation has been a learning experience, and I believe it will help me approach things differently in future. I have a lot to learn, and getting up to speed now, and thanks everyone for your comments. Link to post Share on other sites
Call Me Al Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 Women encounter this scenario probably far more often than you may think. Pat yourself on the back for building up the courage to ask her out in the first place. It wasnt the answer you wanted, but you still asked. Link to post Share on other sites
Cee Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 I think the advice on the thread is great. This happens to women too. I've been rejected by male friends and I pulled immediately back and acted as platonic as possible. No flirting or touching and I'd give them their space at parties. Also, I would mention (if appropriate) that I had crushes on or dating other men. Usually my feelings would fade over time, but they'd sometimes flare up. That was an uncomfortable experience, but I learned to not get hooked on a friend who didn't want me. I have accepted that I can't have everything I want and friendship is often better than romance. Link to post Share on other sites
Ajax Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 Ajax, do you still have the same feelings for her, or have you moved on. I'm pretty sure that I can just pretend that nothing has happened and it will be business as usual. The test will be when I see her and see if the theory works. I have come to acceptance, but I guess when I next see her, I will be a bit embarrassed as I have opened myself, something that I don't really do. As per your advice I will avoid the awkwardness and pretend nothing has happened. Although I can see a funny side to it, I will keep the jokes to myself then. I don't want to advance anymore on her creepiness index. I moved on. Hypothetically speaking, if she were to persue me now I might be able to dig up those old feelings for her, but that's not really worth considering.. The fact is that in the years since I tried to become more than friends with her, I've seen how she is in relationships and realized she's not what I would have wanted anyway. Yeah, pretending nothing happened wrked for me in the long run, but everyone's different and every situation is different, so I can't say it's the right path for everyone. Just wanted to put it out there that yes I've gone after a friend and eventually the friendship recovered. Link to post Share on other sites
Author woops1805 Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 Thanks for your advice. Just a followup. We met again today in a group outing. We basically treated as nothing had happened. I think we will be ok as friends. In groups it will be ok, but felt she may be uncomfortable if we were alone together, so I will help by avoiding those situations for the moment. I am no longer torn up as I was before, and I would describe my feelings having a strong crush on someone, and know that nothing will become of it. (It still feels bitter). I feel the friendship may not be stronger due to this incident and she will wary of me and be careful of what signals she gives out, and there will be a certain degree of avoidance, so I will probably see less of her. I will be going into NC for 1.5 months as I will be going on holidays. I guess I know my answer and the not knowing is no longer tearing me up. Only the knowing is now:p. Thanks again for your support and advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Trovador Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 Look, anytime a girl has rejected me I've felt bitter, angry, sad, etc... but anytime that happened I have used that negative energy to do something positive for myself (losing weight, learning a new language, taking a hobby, reading (or writing, why not?) a book, getting up early to jog, etc)... So, in the end I am grateful to those girls because other women ahead in the road appreciated the person I became through the years and rejections... good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
susanfollows Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Look, anytime a girl has rejected me I've felt bitter, angry, sad, etc... but anytime that happened I have used that negative energy to do something positive for myself (losing weight, learning a new language, taking a hobby, reading (or writing, why not?) a book, getting up early to jog, etc)... So, in the end I am grateful to those girls because other women ahead in the road appreciated the person I became through the years and rejections... good luck! This guys got the best advice here next to mine Link to post Share on other sites
le_caz Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 The problems here just are astoundingly HUGE. I'm going to give you the best advice ever ok, you don't want to be her friend anymore you want to have sex with her, she told you no and expects nothing to change? Who is the wrong one here? I'm a girl and whenever a man has asked me to change from a friend to something more I immediately either 1. slept with him and gave in or 2. told him no and ended the friendship In the end it will be you who's suffering while she's out with other guys and flirting expecting you to be there for her, my advice is change your whole attitude with her and tell her you're not interested in being her friend anymore as things have changed. It might peak her interest and she'll wonder "what has he changed about himself?" Otherwise you're in for heartache Best advice here! Im in the same boat fell in love with friend got rejected then realized I never really liked her soley as a friend I was always hoping for more so I recently cut her out and havent felt better! Link to post Share on other sites
Trovador Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 I was just discussing with other posters the pros and cons of keeping a friendship when feelings are involved... I know it's possible, ONLY if what you want is that your feelings fade away... I've done it, but then the burden of the friendship (hanging out, talking all the time, asking and giving advice, etc) fell over me and I had to accept that I am not cut out for a friendship with an ex, not matter my feelings for her... But being friends with an ex or a girl who rejected your advances is near to impossible if what you want is that she grow feelings for you... Link to post Share on other sites
The_411 Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Well you essentially c-blocked yourself in this situation. I'm not sure why people are not being honest here. It's going to be awkward until you're with someone else. Why did you wait to show romantic interest? The friend route 99.9% of the time never works. While asking is good you were basically asking her a rhetorical question. Why would you admit your feelings? It serves no purpose but to pedestal her into a position of power and you into a position of weakness, which is completely the opposite of the desired dynamic between a man and a woman. If you like a girl show her do not tell her. Men = action Women = words It's really that simple. I'm telling you this so you avoid falling into this situation again. Link to post Share on other sites
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