Is he just playing me?

[confusedwoman]

Hello all,

 

I would really appreciate an opinion on this situation: This man at my firm and I both separated from our spouses last year (a complete co-incidence). We are very well suited for each other: similar backgrounds, compatible, and we seem to "connect" when we talk.

 

Over the months, I have sent small flirty messages to him (a Christmas card, a few emails, stopping by his office, etc.). To all of my flirty bids he has replied very, very enthusiastically -- lots of smiling, extending the conversation, having me into his office, etc. A few times he suggested that we go for coffee, but each time I have had to encourage him to pin down a time (but when we go he picks me up, pays the bill, walks me back, I guess like a "coffee date"). He recently stopped by my office, but on the pretext of selling raffle tickets for his soccer team. He has slipped into conversations that I am "one of the people he likes" and he has been asking about what I do in the evenings. When he is with me lately he appears nervous (his eye twitches), which I take to be charming and flattering.

 

I guess I get the feeling that he likes me, but he hasn't asked me out!! At what point do I conclude that the guy is just playing me? I know from someone else that he isn't dating yet, but he does go out and socialize, so he isn't exactly a social invalid. I am very attracted to him, but my patience is wearing thin. If I knew he liked me enough to eventually date me, then I could wait. But if I knew that he had no such intentions, then I would be hurt and angry that he was just playing me. If only I could read his mind!!

 

Any thoughts?

[SoleMate]

Based on everything you've said, I myself would be tempted to ask him in a light-hearted and flirty way, "So, when are you going to ask me out for <dinner>?" There are lots of adult men who still need that kind of encouragement. This is quicker than months of frustrated wondering, and I can't see that it causes any harm.

[Nim]

I'm with SoulMate, sounds like there's definite potential on this one. He probably hasn't asked you out yet because he's not sure how you'd feel, just like you're not sure how he'd react. Try to find a way to gently break the stalemate, as suggested.

[befuddled11]

I'm definitely not someone to defend a man, unless it's absolutely warranted LOL

 

But...it seems to me that he IS very interested...but he's just scared. There's a very very good chance that you're the FIRST woman since his wife (who he's separated from) that he's had an interest in, in a long time. Depending on how long he was with her, it may well be 10-20 years since he's asked a woman out on a date!! I myself have met guys who were divorced, and had been with their wife for a total of maybe 15 yrs (from the time they began dating her, to including the years they were married)...some met their (ex) wife when they were 18 or 20. And they'd been with her for all those years.....and now they're in their mid to late 30's. They've forgotten how to "date"......and even more, asking a girl out when you're 18 is a lot different than when you're in your late 30's.......especially how times have changed so much, since then.

 

He's maybe afraid of rejection. Afraid of falling for you. Is feeling inadequate about how to ask a woman out now (after years of not having to do it).

 

I, who's 36, have gone out with guys like I've explained above..and they've come right out and told me, once we begin to see each other, how hard it was for them to ask me out......citing that it had been YEARS since they asked a woman out........and even now, they feel a little unsure of themself, because they've "been out of the loop" for so long. And.....some never dated much even back then. They met their gal in high school...dated.....married when they were in their early 20's..so the poor guy maybe has little experience with women to begin with.

 

I say YOU take the bull by the horns.....in a friendly, NON-AGGRESSIVE way. Invite him out somewhere....somewhere casual. Like for a drink, or for lunch, or to some local tourist kind of deal where you live (museum, art gallery, whatever you're both into)......just make it something fun and light.......a formal "dinner" can be very overwhelming for a guy who hasn't been on a "date" in many years.......just make your first real outing something fun. A walk along the river, in a park, followed by lunch somewhere, you know..that kind of thing. And if things go good THEN (you should be able to tell by his body language), you could THEN suggest dinner to follow.

 

Sounds very much like he's interested.......but is just a little gunshy. A lot of guys are very shy and afraid of rejection......and they'd welcome having the woman ask them out.

 

Good luck!

[SCK-]

Well from what you have said in your post, it seems that he does like you

 

But what is stopping you from asking him out? Why wait for him? It seems the reason that your patience is wearing thin because you are waiting for him to respond, take a risk and see how it turns out!

[fredrolin]

I don't understand your term "is he playing me".

 

Playing you is using you for something.

 

In the past I have flirted with women I worked with and even went to lunch with them. It meant nothing.

 

Dating someone you work with could be a kiss of death to your job. If you 2 do have a fling and it falls apart, do you want to work with this guy everyday?

[magda]

It's hard to decide having not heard your side of the conversations. For instance, when he asked about your night life, did you respond with a long list of interests and engagements or did you leave him with the impression you'd have time to go out? Considering that you know of each others recently broken up relationships, he may think that you don't feel ready for dating just yet, beyond the coffee, and has chosen not to make advances until he sees more signs of receptivity from you.

 

He's certainly not "playing" you; as fredrolin pointed out, the term implies using you or misleading you. There is no evidence that he is flirting with you just for the fun of it, as yet. He merely seems cautious about pursuing you more openly, which is logical considering you work together and have both recently ended serious long-term relationships. Is inter-company romance discouraged? and do you work close enough that the situation could become awkward if things don't work out romantically?

 

If he just doesn't get it that you would like him to ask you out, you should consider being a bit more forthright and step up your interest in him. His soccer team, for instance, would be a good thing to ask about... expressing interest in attending a game, for instance, would be a nice way to make an advance that isn't too forward. You could attend it with some other co-workers to make it seem less awkward. Just an idea.