Why is my ex still texting me??!!!

[silver68]

My ex broke up with me a few months ago, but it took me awhile to initiate NC . I started NC about a month ago and broke down and replied to her texts after holding out for a few weeks because her texts became desperate (She wanted to at least know I was alive) . It has been a couple weeks since then and I have not spoken a word to her. I feel a lot better for having done this, but I have one question....why does she keep texting me? She sends texts me probably 5 times a week. They are always along the line of "I hope you are doing well and that your family is doing well. I miss you all." Or "I was listening to a certain musical group and thought of you, which kinda sucks." Today she sent me two more texts saying "I hope you are enjoying the weather! I'm sorry for bothering you still. I think about you a lot. Maybe I'm selfish for telling you that. I really didn't deserve how much you took care of me. I'm kind of floundering now, but I have to handle it."

 

I definitely don't want to break NC. I have read that ex's just want to make themselves feel better about everything. (She was confused and cheated on me and then lied about the reason for the split.) I told her a few weeks ago that I don't want to be friends and that I don't want to communicate anymore, yet she still sends these kinds of texts. I believe NC is the best route, but I really wish she would stop texting (even though these texts do make me feel good to know that she is finally seeing the error of her ways and is having trouble moving on...)

[Leandro]

She may be trying to make herself look good again.

 

Don't reply at all. she cheated and she can do it again.

 

If she thought about you so much she wouldn't have cheated.

 

You're doing good about NC.

[Rose T]

Leandro's totally right.

 

My ex cheated and I kicked him out (he was already going though, lol) and he reaches out to me still in this selfish way. Silver68, our exes have NO self-discipline. That's why they cheated, that's why they text. It all comes from the same impulse. They feel bad / sad / guilty so they do whatever they feel in the moment to make themselves feel better. It's really unhealthy behaviour and it's all about avoiding pain, avoiding thinking, avoiding doing the right thing by you. She cheated because she only cared about her own sensations. Now when she feels down or has a bad moment, she prods you to get a caring response to stroke her ego. Don't reply. Walk away and keep walking. She absolutely made her bed and now she's got to lie in it. Right now, she's probably panicking that you will meet someone else as well. People like to move on, but they don't like us to move on. Become mysterious. It will drive her crazy, trust me.

[silver68]

Thanks Rose T and Leandro NC is definitely the way to go because it has helped me get past the toughest parts, but I don't enjoy being mean or rude. I know what she did was just not right, especially after 5 wonderful years, but it's tough to be mean to her, let alone anyone. I guess I will just have to get over that. She sent me ANOTHER text today which said she thinks about me a lot and that it breaks her heart every time she thinks about how much she hurt me. She goes on to say how we had such amazing times, fun times, and that she doesn't remember the bad times, just the times that she was a horrible human being to me. She also said that hurting me is a mistake she will regret forever and nothing fills the void when she left me. She also said that she feels that she doesn't deserve to be cared for or loved.....

 

I know that she is trying to get me to respond, which I won't, but JESUS, I really don't like hearing this. I know she isn't a horrible human being even after everything, but a part of me feels sad for her. Isn't that crazy!?!?

 

I shouldn't feel bad should I? Her cheating probably kept her from really feeling all of this until now, especially after she stopped seeing him. We really did fit each other really well, but I know that she isn't the girl I knew even 4 months ago. Any advice?

[Rose T]

You know, the worst part is that words don't mean anything. Graceful's written some brilliant posts on "word salads", but it's so easy to say, 'I hurt you, I feel bad, we had a great time together blah blah, bye'... You have to look at their actions, not the words, Silver. My ex seems fascinated with how much he hurt me... but unless they're underneath our windows begging for another chance, it doesn't mean jack! Yes, she's probably feeling bad, especially if her subsequent relationship didn't work out... but so what! Do you want to be back-up guy? If she was begging you to take her back it would be different. Don't reply until she makes reconciliation noises. Until then, it's all just crumbs. Really. Stay tough

[silver68]

I will stay tough! I definitely don't want to be a back up guy. I wouldn't want her in the state she is in right now. I don't know if I could ever truly take her back. It's hard to gain back trust, even when we never had any trust issues in the past. It is just sad that this happened because she was everything I wanted in a girl, that's why we were together so long. She started going through the whole party/drinking stage and that's when it all changed. Before that, she was great. I still have this small feeling in the back of my mind that a few years down the road she would wise up and we would meet again. To have that connection with someone is hard to find.

[timchambo]

Silver,

 

How long has it been since you guys broke up and you went NC? I read your thread describing your relationship and it sounds a lot like what I went through. At this point I have nothing but hatred for my ex. Like yours she cheated and now is with this new guy. I did way too much for her and all she has done is talked **** about our relationship and me. I'm wondering if she will ever wake up, though its only been 2 months now for me. Best of luck to you, but I know I could never forgive my ex.

[Rose T]

I will stay tough! I definitely don't want to be a back up guy. I wouldn't want her in the state she is in right now. I don't know if I could ever truly take her back. It's hard to gain back trust, even when we never had any trust issues in the past. It is just sad that this happened because she was everything I wanted in a girl, that's why we were together so long. She started going through the whole party/drinking stage and that's when it all changed. Before that, she was great. I still have this small feeling in the back of my mind that a few years down the road she would wise up and we would meet again. To have that connection with someone is hard to find.

 

I totally understand! I still have very strong feelings for my cheating ex and can't stop thinking about the great years we had together. The way I see it though is sadly he crossed the line when he stepped out of our relationship to deal with his problems. Relationships should be fixed while you're still in them.

 

As far as NC goes, remember that it's not mean or rude. Being rude is reaching out thoughtlessly after you've dumped someone for an ego stroke; or leaving someone and then expecting them to still be there for you all the time, and getting upset or triggering guilt-trips when they're not. NC is dignified and respectful of the break-up. Silver, you sound like a great guy and a few years down the line I bet you wouldn't even want her back...

[silver68]

It's been around 2 months since we broke up and I started NC a little over a month ago. I responded to one of her many texts a few weeks ago (which just made me upset) but have been NC since. I was very angry with her in the beginning and still am to an extent now, but I have been able to push her out of my mind for the past few weeks. Ive been pretty proud of myself for doing this. It just takes a lot of practice stopping yourself the second you start to think of her. She never talked **** about us, I think she has mellowed out since the breakup and has realized what she lost; a wonderful, supportive and stable family( her family is very disfunctional) and a loving boyfriend who took such good care of her. I have noticed that being angry at her just makes me feel worse. I would rather just not think about her at all. I don't like to spend any of my energy thinking about her (good or bad).

[timchambo]

It's been around 2 months since we broke up and I started NC a little over a month ago. I responded to one of her many texts a few weeks ago (which just made me upset) but have been NC since. I was very angry with her in the beginning and still am to an extent now, but I have been able to push her out of my mind for the past few weeks. Ive been pretty proud of myself for doing this. It just takes a lot of practice stopping yourself the second you start to think of her. She never talked **** about us, I think she has mellowed out since the breakup and has realized what she lost; a wonderful, supportive and stable family( her family is very disfunctional) and a loving boyfriend who took such good care of her. I have noticed that being angry at her just makes me feel worse. I would rather just not think about her at all. I don't like to spend any of my energy thinking about her (good or bad).

 

guess its time for me to pick up some new hobbies. Been so busy since the split from moving and other issues that cropped up that I had no free time to blow. Same situation with me where my family was always very supportive of her and she doesn't have much of a family to lean on outside of her two parents.

 

Anyways enough about me. You said she lied about the reason for the breakup, what was her reasoning?

[glimmer]

My ex broke up with me a few months ago, but it took me awhile to initiate NC . I started NC about a month ago and broke down and replied to her texts after holding out for a few weeks because her texts became desperate (She wanted to at least know I was alive) . It has been a couple weeks since then and I have not spoken a word to her. I feel a lot better for having done this, but I have one question....why does she keep texting me? She sends texts me probably 5 times a week. They are always along the line of "I hope you are doing well and that your family is doing well. I miss you all." Or "I was listening to a certain musical group and thought of you, which kinda sucks." Today she sent me two more texts saying "I hope you are enjoying the weather! I'm sorry for bothering you still. I think about you a lot. Maybe I'm selfish for telling you that. I really didn't deserve how much you took care of me. I'm kind of floundering now, but I have to handle it."

 

I definitely don't want to break NC. I have read that ex's just want to make themselves feel better about everything. (She was confused and cheated on me and then lied about the reason for the split.) I told her a few weeks ago that I don't want to be friends and that I don't want to communicate anymore, yet she still sends these kinds of texts. I believe NC is the best route, but I really wish she would stop texting (even though these texts do make me feel good to know that she is finally seeing the error of her ways and is having trouble moving on...)

 

Have her number blocked from being able to send you texts. It's just messing with your head and could end up taking you down a path you don't want to go on. I once had to block someone from texting me and it was such a relief to not have to be affected anymore when the guy was trying to reach me. Before I blocked him, I told him to stop texting me and that I wasn't interested in communication like that. I'm not accepting texts from you anymore.

[Graceful]

hola silver!

 

I haven't spoken to you since you first posted on LS. It does seem that your ex has taken a huge U turn in her decision to cut you loose. Tough for her.

 

But, YOU ... you have one steely resolve, and despite how much these texts are disturbing your peace of mind, you're on track. You've made a lot of progress in a short period of time and have a very good perspective. Nice going!

 

As for the texts, I gotta go with all the advice of these wonderful support board friends and agree that your ex is being selfish, ego-centric, disrespectful, inappropriately clingy, filled with "shoulda, coulda, woulda" ad nauseum, bottom line is she's actually being a bit manipulative (that's the cherry on top!).

 

I mean, what kind of person keeps sending text messages with the sole purpose of beating herself up, and saying that she doesn't deserve to be loved? Someone who is hoping that the recipient will respond by saying, "Of course you deserve to be loved! You're a wonderful person" .... (NOT).

 

Cheesh, even if she means it and feels bad right now, it means NOTHING to you and has nothing to do with you! She should be discussing how she feels either with her friends, family or a therapist, not with YOU.

 

I'm sorry for bothering you still. I think about you a lot. Maybe I'm selfish for telling you that. I really didn't deserve how much you took care of me. I'm kind of floundering now, but I have to handle it."

She's not sorry for bothering you at all. If she were, she'd have stopped by now.

 

I told her a few weeks ago that I don't want to be friends and that I don't want to communicate anymore,

As far as I am concerned, here you have stated to her that you don't want to be friends or hear from her. SO the choice is your's. You can either hope that the texts run their course (and soon) or you go into block mode, as others have suggested so you can regain your peace of mind.

 

As we discussed in your earlier thread, this is someone who has no idea what she wants, who she wants it with, how to handle herself, where she's going, how she's going to get there, all symptomatic of where she is in life. She's gone now. Not meant to be with you, and there's no turning back.

 

Stay the course. NC, strong, clear and forward. You're just as strong in character as you were in your first post and your ex is just as scattered as you described. Nothing has changed. Take care.

 

PS Rose, glad you like the term "word salads" -- words that are the equivalent of a "tossed salad" that don't make any sense or amount to anything!

[silver68]

guess its time for me to pick up some new hobbies. Been so busy since the split from moving and other issues that cropped up that I had no free time to blow. Same situation with me where my family was always very supportive of her and she doesn't have much of a family to lean on outside of her two parents.

 

That's too bad you are so busy. Figure out how to squeeze out more time for things you enjoy. Even becoming more focused on things that you did before the breakup help. For instance, spending more time and getting closer with friends. That has helped me a lot. It has helped strengthen those friendships. Or spending more time with family and helping them out. That always make you feel better and they will all appreciate it. My family has noticed a difference with me and my attitude towards things. Having some kind of physical activity really helps. I love how it makes me feel.

 

That is really interesting about your family and your ex. She knew all of my relatives, 2nd cousins, and 3rd cousins. Most of her family is divorced or not speaking to one another. I think they forget how wonderful it is to have a stable family, at least she always told me that. She would rather have spent time with my family than hers. At least it shows you how well you have it, right?

 

Anyways enough about me. You said she lied about the reason for the breakup, what was her reasoning?

 

I have read a lot of threads on LS where the girl, in her early twenties or college years, breaks up because they are confused and don't know what they want. That is pretty much what happened with me. I believe that she was and still is going through a lot. She said she wanted to focus more on her schooling, which is good. I never held her back before. The thing is, she told me that she absolutely did not want a relationship, not now, and not until she was done with college. It would hold her back. Well, she was starting to see gradually see someone the last few months of our relationship and went straight into that relationship seconds after ours. (I literally mean seconds!) That is what burns me the most. I could tell that there was something up when she talked to me. You know these things about each other after 5 years. Its strange how they think they can get away with it...we always knew when either of us was having an issue. We would always say we had a vein (or whatever) connecting our brains. (saying this all a few weeks ago would have really made me boil, but now I can almost do it from an outsider looking in, it's really strange....)

 

Graceful, it's nice to speak to you again!!

You are absolutely correct. She is just wanting me to say she is not a bad person and that someone will love her. If I told her that, it wouldn't do anything for me. I think letting her sweat a little makes me feel less weak and less powerless. I said the same things to her a month ago and didn't get much of a response then...

 

I don't think I will block the texts because her texts don't affect me as bad as they used to. It feels like it has been so long since I've heard her voice (2 months) that I sometimes forget who I'm talking to, which kind of helps, if that makes any sense. It's almost as if I'm speaking to a computer. Also, if there was any kind of emergency and she needed help, I wouldn't want to have my number blocked. (I mean life-threatening ones) I'm not that mean

 

Also, the one thing I think about from time to time is that I don't think any people really know the real reason for the split. I told me family just a month ago, but I don't think her family or our mutual friends know. She told me a few weeks ago that she hoped I didn't tell anyone what really happened. Isn't that crap? A part of me is a little angry that people don't know the truth. For that first month, I denied the real reason for the split. I would tell people we both needed it. I just didn't want anyone to think badly of her. In the band we play in, she sent an email to everyone saying we both decided on this and they said they supported both of us. I don't think they would if they knew. I wish everyone knew the real reason, even today...

 

Has anyone ever run into this???

[timchambo]

I have read a lot of threads on LS where the girl, in her early twenties or college years, breaks up because they are confused and don't know what they want. That is pretty much what happened with me. I believe that she was and still is going through a lot. She said she wanted to focus more on her schooling, which is good. I never held her back before. The thing is, she told me that she absolutely did not want a relationship, not now, and not until she was done with college. It would hold her back. Well, she was starting to see gradually see someone the last few months of our relationship and went straight into that relationship seconds after ours. (I literally mean seconds!) That is what burns me the most. I could tell that there was something up when she talked to me. You know these things about each other after 5 years. Its strange how they think they can get away with it...we always knew when either of us was having an issue. We would always say we had a vein (or whatever) connecting our brains. (saying this all a few weeks ago would have really made me boil, but now I can almost do it from an outsider looking in, it's really strange....)

 

Yup sounds almost carbon copy to what my ex was saying. We knows these girls better than any other human being on the face of the planet, and they think we are clueless to what is really going on.

 

Also, the one thing I think about from time to time is that I don't think any people really know the real reason for the split. I told me family just a month ago, but I don't think her family or our mutual friends know. She told me a few weeks ago that she hoped I didn't tell anyone what really happened. Isn't that crap? A part of me is a little angry that people don't know the truth. For that first month, I denied the real reason for the split. I would tell people we both needed it. I just didn't want anyone to think badly of her. In the band we play in, she sent an email to everyone saying we both decided on this and they said they supported both of us. I don't think they would if they knew. I wish everyone knew the real reason, even today...

 

Been through this too. Initially my ex wanted me to tell my co-workers, friends, etc. that this was for both of us. At first I did defend her to my family, but once I knew the facts it was game on. She even initially took it to facebook and release some PR style statement about our split. She had changed her status moments after we split which triggered a bit of outrage from our friends. You deserve props for keeping your emotions in check. My band would certainly know the whole story.

 

So she admitted to cheating? Did she admit this during the breakup, or is this something she only now has admitted to?

[Eddie Edirol]

Hey Silver, Im pretty sure your ex dumped you for another guy, but he doesnt give her all of the attention she needs, so she texts you to get the "friend" part. Even when you arent answering, she needs to keep trying to get attention from you so she feels better for herself. Dont answer her, youre doing good. She is lonely and suffering, but she isnt thinking of you the way she thinks of that guy that it didnt work out with. She wont come back to you, at least no time soon, so dont wait for her.

[Rose T]

PS Rose, glad you like the term "word salads" -- words that are the equivalent of a "tossed salad" that don't make any sense or amount to anything!

 

Graceful it's a pefect term and has helped me make sense of lots of pointless emails! It's also a bit like having a tin of alphabet soup poured over you... but not as tasty

 

Also, the one thing I think about from time to time is that I don't think any people really know the real reason for the split. I told me family just a month ago, but I don't think her family or our mutual friends know. She told me a few weeks ago that she hoped I didn't tell anyone what really happened. Isn't that crap?

 

Silver, my ex would have done exactly the same thing, only the day after I found out about the cheating I rang his younger sister and told her everything. She'd been a really good friend to me over the years so I knew she'd take it in the right spirit, I wasn't mean about her brother, I just sort of poured out my soul. It might sound a bit sad but there was a double purpose - I didn't want him going home at Christmas and glossing over the break-up with his family. I knew his little sister has a big mouth and sure enough, she told her parents and other sibling everything. When my ex went home for Christmas I heard he was criticised by everyone, especially his Dad, for how he'd treated me. In fact, he took it so much to heart that he got back after Christmas and tried to reconcile with me.

 

You're a few months down the line with the break-up, so you might not want to meddle at this stage, but if there's a way of getting the truth out there without losing your dignity, that's no bad thing. I'm not talking about bitching about her to friends, but there had been a discrete way to communicate with her family, it could have been a good thing. Otherwise you might just want to chalk it up to experience, but in future while I agree that being dignified in a break-up is a good thing, you don't have to cover up the other person's lies if you don't want to.

[silver68]

So she admitted to cheating? Did she admit this during the breakup, or is this something she only now has admitted to?

 

I actually would have never known the truth but it was on accident that I came across a message online (Not getting into details) and I confronted her by asking if there was someone else. At first she denied it and then i told her I found the message and she said she was incredibly sorry for me having seen that. She still kept reiterating that she didn't do anything while she still thought we were together. The last month was shaky, but we were STILL together. That was probably just an excuse. Whatever.

 

Rose T, I think I will probably not say anything more to anyone about the truth. Just bringing it up from time to time does not help anything. There is a chance I might send one of the members of my group a short email explaining a few things, but just a chance. I wouldn't bitch, I would do it in a dignified way

 

It might sound a bit sad but there was a double purpose - I didn't want him going home at Christmas and glossing over the break-up with his family.

 

I don't think that's sad at all!! That's exactly how I feel (and felt). I don't want everyone to just think "it's no big deal, it was mutual, I still respect both of them :)" That's not fair to me. I wasn't the one who did anything wrong.