Is it normal to have doubts?

[aerogurl87]

I'm starting to have doubts and I don't know if it's cause I'm moving so far away soon or what, but they're starting to creep up. I'll give a few examples:

 

1) Today it was a sunny, warm day at 71 degrees Fahrenheit. I was outside washing the car when I texted my boyfriend to tell him about the weather. His reply was that it was in the single digits where he lived, and I told him my body wasn't used to that kind of weather. He told me I'd get used to it, but will I? I like where he lives, I mean it's beautiful and the people are nice there, but I HATE winter. So even though everything else there is good and great will I love it there or hate it after awhile?

 

2) When my boyfriend was here visiting we were sitting on the bed cuddling and such. I wanted to watch some TV as we'd spent the whole weekend doing nothing but cuddling, making out, and having sex up to that point. And there was an interesting show on so I wanted to watch it. My boyfriend proceeded to try and turn the TV off at one point because I wasn't giving him my entire attention at that point in time. He said we only had a limited amount of time together and needed to make it count. I told him we'd be together for good in like a month and I just wanted to chill and watch some TV, but he continued to pester me until I told him to knock it off very firmly. That incident made me start to wonder, did I really want to be with someone like that? Someone who didn't know how to give me my own personal space when I needed it. Or maybe he'll grow out of it when we live together, I dunno, just another thing to think about.

 

3) Talking to my boyfriend is great, he's my best friend and I love him to death. But I'm starting to wonder if that's all he really should be, my best friend. I am terrified of settling for the wrong person and my boyfriend makes me feel loved and all but I don't feel that intense passion between us. Even when we first got together the passion for me at least, wasn't super intense. I mean it was and still is there to some degree, but it's not like blazing and never really has been. Now maybe I'm putting too much pressure on him and the relationship in that regard because I have felt that intense passion with two people in my past. Maybe I'm setting the bar too high, I dunno.

 

Anyway I don't know if I'm just doubting this stuff because a part of me is scared of making such a big move or if it's cause these are real issues. Sometimes I want to call everything off, and other times I'm really excited to be moving to be with him. And even if I did want to call everything off I feel like I'm kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place because my family has met him (and love him), the plane ticket has been bought, I've put in my two week notice at work already, and... ugh! I'm just hoping this is a case of cold feet and not my conscience trying to tell me something really important.

[hoping2heal]

I'm starting to have doubts and I don't know if it's cause I'm moving so far away soon or what, but they're starting to creep up. I'll give a few examples:

 

1) Today it was a sunny, warm day at 71 degrees Fahrenheit. I was outside washing the car when I texted my boyfriend to tell him about the weather. His reply was that it was in the single digits where he lived, and I told him my body wasn't used to that kind of weather. He told me I'd get used to it, but will I? I like where he lives, I mean it's beautiful and the people are nice there, but I HATE winter. So even though everything else there is good and great will I love it there or hate it after awhile?

 

2) When my boyfriend was here visiting we were sitting on the bed cuddling and such. I wanted to watch some TV as we'd spent the whole weekend doing nothing but cuddling, making out, and having sex up to that point. And there was an interesting show on so I wanted to watch it. My boyfriend proceeded to try and turn the TV off at one point because I wasn't giving him my entire attention at that point in time. He said we only had a limited amount of time together and needed to make it count. I told him we'd be together for good in like a month and I just wanted to chill and watch some TV, but he continued to pester me until I told him to knock it off very firmly. That incident made me start to wonder, did I really want to be with someone like that? Someone who didn't know how to give me my own personal space when I needed it. Or maybe he'll grow out of it when we live together, I dunno, just another thing to think about.

 

3) Talking to my boyfriend is great, he's my best friend and I love him to death. But I'm starting to wonder if that's all he really should be, my best friend. I am terrified of settling for the wrong person and my boyfriend makes me feel loved and all but I don't feel that intense passion between us. Even when we first got together the passion for me at least, wasn't super intense. I mean it was and still is there to some degree, but it's not like blazing and never really has been. Now maybe I'm putting too much pressure on him and the relationship in that regard because I have felt that intense passion with two people in my past. Maybe I'm setting the bar too high, I dunno.

 

Anyway I don't know if I'm just doubting this stuff because a part of me is scared of making such a big move or if it's cause these are real issues. Sometimes I want to call everything off, and other times I'm really excited to be moving to be with him. And even if I did want to call everything off I feel like I'm kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place because my family has met him (and love him), the plane ticket has been bought, I've put in my two week notice at work already, and... ugh! I'm just hoping this is a case of cold feet and not my conscience trying to tell me something really important.

 

I thought everything you mentioned was completely normal save for the passion part. The other stuff I think is typical because it means you are actually serious about this guy. It means this is no fantasy to you, that you really and truly have given this a lot of thought and serious consideration and you mean business.

 

The part where you mention that maybe he should just be your best friend though, that is worrisome. That is not how you should be feeling in a romantic relationship. You never feel really passionate about this guy..not ever?

[LittleTiger]

3) Talking to my boyfriend is great, he's my best friend and I love him to death. But I'm starting to wonder if that's all he really should be, my best friend. I am terrified of settling for the wrong person and my boyfriend makes me feel loved and all but I don't feel that intense passion between us. Even when we first got together the passion for me at least, wasn't super intense. I mean it was and still is there to some degree, but it's not like blazing and never really has been. Now maybe I'm putting too much pressure on him and the relationship in that regard because I have felt that intense passion with two people in my past. Maybe I'm setting the bar too high, I dunno.

 

I think most of the things you are worrying about are perfectly normal. When two people move in together for the first time, whether you're moving around the corner or thousands of miles, it takes a while to 'settle down' together. It's a big change in anyone's life and it takes a few months to negotiate a routine that you're both comfortable with.

 

The weather is something you'll just get used to - or not!

 

However, lack of passion in a romantic relationship is a big problem because it's that passion for one another that holds things together when the going gets tough - especially in the early years. After several years, or even decades, together there is a shared life to hold on to but to begin with you don't have that and the passion is what 'binds' you together.

 

That said, some people do make relationships work with a low level of attraction, so only you can decide how important intense passion is for you. Bear in mind though that your need for passion may change as you get older - you may need it less, but you may also start to miss what you never had.

[HeavenOrHell]

I agree with h2h and LT's posts regarding passion.

I don't feel I could settle for a less passionate r/ship than me and my partner have if we were to split up, I would be wanting more.

Also the pestering you for sex would bother me, he wasn't respecting you, it would worry if me my partner did that, unless it was purely done in a silly jokey way, but it sounds like your bf was serious? It would worry me if my partner invaded my space like that when I'd said I wasn't in the mood for sex.

Doubts are normal when you're about to make a life changing decision, what do you feel deep down is the right thing to do? Forget what everyone else expects of you, what do *you* want?

I would not like to be in the situation of thinking once I've moved that's it, no turning back ever, I would need to know I could return home if things did not work out, there are no guarantees any couple will stay together forever. Can you come back if things don't work out? You don't want to feel you are stuck there forever.

[madjac74]

Where are you moving again Aerogurl? I can tell you that I have lived in the heart of the midwest for 36 years and we have some of the worst weather. Sub zero, heavy snow winters and then blistering hot, humid summers. You never get used to it. You deal with it.

 

I can see your point with the pestering being annoying. Love, romance, passion shouldnt be something that is forced due to time constraints. When my gf(?) visited last, in between sex we layed there and talked or watched tv and laughed. It was all very cohesive, relaxed, spontaneous the way love should be. We weren't thinking "Oh we only have this much time so we shouldnt be wasting it watching tv" because we were there together and it was all fun. I could see how he could be a little hurt if you are 100% in tuned with the show but he should have respected your interest in the show and maybe experienced it with you.

 

Well I have female friends who are best friends and my SO is too but the one thing that seperates them is the physical attraction, passion, wanting to rip their clothes off as soon as you see them, etc... If you are struggling to find that then maybe he really is just a good pal.

 

Anyway you are making a huge move and life change and have doubts that are pretty valid. And how many of us just jump in the pool? Dont we toe at it a bit to gauge its temperature then have doubts. So we stick our feet in and sit there and think...haha ok bad analogy ~

[aerogurl87]

Thanks everyone

 

@hoping2heal I do feel passion towards him. I think he's hot and I do like having sex with him. What I guess I mean is this. When we're together and just sitting down I don't catch myself staring at him in awe and thinking "omg I love him" or anything like that. Maybe the fact that I did experience that feeling twice before is why I miss it so much.

 

@LittleTiger yeah I know I'll have to adjust to the weather but it's a big change. It's like in the negatives where he lives, when it never gets below like 20 degrees (and that's even rare) where I live and have grown up all my life. I know passion helps a relationship to survive those hard times also, and like I said it's there, but not so great as I've had before. To me there's a difference between lust and passion. Passion for me extends beyond sexual attraction and well although I greatly admire him and love him as a person, the passion isn't raging like I've felt in the past. That's what worries me.

 

@HeavenorHell Yes the pestering is annoying. Sometimes I don't think he realizes it though since this is his real first relationship. I mean I love being under him and stuff but he hasn't seemed to grasp that I need "alone time" sometimes or time to just chill with him. It's like he wants to be all touchy feely 24/7 which is good most of the time, but sometimes I'd just like to cuddle and watch TV, ya know? I don't think that's so much to ask. At this point I'm really starting to wonder if this is what I really want. I've always grown up wanting someone I'm passionate about and having them be passionate about me. And because I've felt that before, I know it's not a fairytale. The fact that I keep listening to Katy Perry's song "Not like the Movies" isn't really helping either as it's pretty much how I'm starting to feel about the whole situation. And yes my mom said if things don't work out I can always come back home, so it's not like I'll be stuck up there forever.

 

@madjac That is what I've been trying to get across to him! When we're together it should flow naturally and not be like "let's have sex every chance we get cause we only see each other a limited amount of time". He doesn't get that though. I wasn't 100% tuned into the show though, I actually was talking to him and trying to make conversation about it, but he got frustrated and said we should be spending as much time together without distractions. Granted this was after 2 and a half straight days of us doing nothing but talking and having copious amounts of sex all day, basically. And as regards the wanting to rip his clothes off, I do want to do that when I see him. But like I said, it's those other times when I just feel kinda "meh" about the passion in our relationship. He thinks it's great though so maybe I'm judging him too harshly, I dunno.

 

I guess I have alot to think about now, thanks everyone for your feedback.

[HeavenOrHell]

I guess the pestering could just be naivety then and he won't do it when he realises you mean it when you say you don't like it.

Does he want to do anything with you other than sex?!

I would be concerned if my partner didn't want to do stuff like just cuddle up and watch TV, we have lots of sex but we also go shopping, play games (not sex ones! I mean card games etc) watch films, visit places, cook together.

I feel passionate about him sexually because I'm attracted to his personality, so all the things I love about him make him sexy to me, I find him attractive to look at too as a secondary thing, but the latter is probably more to do with the way I feel about his personality, if that makes sense, he's attractive to me but not everyone would find him attractive, same with my ex. I feel passionate about him when I look at him, it would worry me if I didn't.

It's good to know you can go back home if things didn't work out.

 

>@HeavenorHell Yes the pestering is annoying. Sometimes I don't think he realizes it though since this is his real first relationship. I mean I love being under him and stuff but he hasn't seemed to grasp that I need "alone time" sometimes or time to just chill with him. It's like he wants to be all touchy feely 24/7 which is good most of the time, but sometimes I'd just like to cuddle and watch TV, ya know? I don't think that's so much to ask. At this point I'm really starting to wonder if this is what I really want. I've always grown up wanting someone I'm passionate about and having them be passionate about me. And because I've felt that before, I know it's not a fairytale. The fact that I keep listening to Katy Perry's song "Not like the Movies" isn't really helping either as it's pretty much how I'm starting to feel about the whole situation. And yes my mom said if things don't work out I can always come back home, so it's not like I'll be stuck up there forever.<

[aerogurl87]

I guess the pestering could just be naivety then and he won't do it when he realises you mean it when you say you don't like it.

Does he want to do anything with you other than sex?!

I would be concerned if my partner didn't want to do stuff like just cuddle up and watch TV, we have lots of sex but we also go shopping, play games (not sex ones! I mean card games etc) watch films, visit places, cook together.

I feel passionate about him sexually because I'm attracted to his personality, so all the things I love about him make him sexy to me, I find him attractive to look at too as a secondary thing, but the latter is probably more to do with the way I feel about his personality, if that makes sense, he's attractive to me but not everyone would find him attractive, same with my ex. I feel passionate about him when I look at him, it would worry me if I didn't.

It's good to know you can go back home if things didn't work out.

 

Yes he does want to do other things besides sex, but it's just.... I dunno. We do cuddle, watch TV, and hang out. But I mean I still don't feel that incredible passion with him. I mean he's a great boyfriend and I do love him, but looking back there's really been no time where I've felt that all encompassing passion for him. Does he or has he given me butterflies? Yes. Do I look at him and think "wow" sometimes? Not really, and that's what scares me. I'm starting to wonder if I may be settling or is this just my mind trying to talk me out of making that next step of commitment.

[LittleTiger]

I don't know if this will help Aerogurl but what you describe reminds me of my relationship with my exH so I thought I'd share this.

 

My ex was my best friend. We met as children and we always had a special bond. I loved him and I was in love with him. I found him physically attractive on some level but my desire for him was mostly created by love. In general, we had a good marriage. We weren't really sexually compatible but we did enjoy sex with each other because of the love. I don't regret having married him and, if other things hadn't gone wrong, we'd probably still be married today.

 

So what I'm saying is 'raw passion' is not essential to have a good relationship. On the other hand, now I have that passion in my current relationship, I couldn't imagine choosing to be without it.

 

I would think, now you've got this far, it's worth taking that leap into the unknown and seeing what happens. If it doesn't work out you do still have the option of coming home and if you never take the risk you'll spend the rest of your life wondering if you made the right decision.

 

I think it's better to regret doing something than to regret not doing it.

[Citizen Erased]

There is a very big chance that you're freaking yourself out cos of the move, it's a huge step. If you didn't have doubts I'd think you were being unrealistic.

 

You can deal with the weather. And you can communicate your boundaries to him, the dynamic will be very different with you living there though.

 

If you do move, be very cautious of getting too comfortable. If your feelings for him are what you are saying now, and not as a result of you freaking yourself out, then don't be afraid to leave. There's no shame in trying and things not working out. I was there, in my last relationship, doubting my feelings for him. I didn't leave when I should and it made things worse.

[carhill]

OP, what was the final dynamic with the two passionate ex'es of the past? Did you move in with them? How did it go? I ask because you apparently have a particular relationship/attachment style pattern which hinges upon passion. If passion was a 'bad' thing for you, I doubt you'd be lamenting its dearth now.

 

My first instinct when reading the OP was 'don't move', but then I'm old enough to be your father

[aerogurl87]

I don't know if this will help Aerogurl but what you describe reminds me of my relationship with my exH so I thought I'd share this.

 

My ex was my best friend. We met as children and we always had a special bond. I loved him and I was in love with him. I found him physically attractive on some level but my desire for him was mostly created by love. In general, we had a good marriage. We weren't really sexually compatible but we did enjoy sex with each other because of the love. I don't regret having married him and, if other things hadn't gone wrong, we'd probably still be married today.

 

So what I'm saying is 'raw passion' is not essential to have a good relationship. On the other hand, now I have that passion in my current relationship, I couldn't imagine choosing to be without it.

 

I would think, now you've got this far, it's worth taking that leap into the unknown and seeing what happens. If it doesn't work out you do still have the option of coming home and if you never take the risk you'll spend the rest of your life wondering if you made the right decision.

 

I think it's better to regret doing something than to regret not doing it.

 

This is pretty much exactly how I feel LittleTiger, so thanks for the experience. He is my best friend and I do find him attractive, but I miss that raw passion that I had in the past. It's hard to go from that to something less and think you're not settling. And yeah I'm starting to wonder if that's what I'm doing. I've talked to my boyfriend about my fears, and like you and CE said, he thinks I should take the risk. He said if it doesn't work out I can come home, but if I don't leave I may have to live with the what ifs forever.

[creighton0123]

1.) Winter's not all that bad. You learn to adjust and I would like to think you become a stronger and more enduring person since you have to face such dynamic weather. Instead of being able to lay out on a beach every day or under the stars at night, you cuddle up on the couch and stay warm by way of body heat to save money on heating bills.

 

2.) How long have you been with one another? Perhaps he's still feeling the honeymoon phase and you're not. When you live together or see one another all the time, personal space usually isn't the issue unless he requires more attention than you do. Ask yourself what you would do if the situation were reversed. Say he wanted to get up and play a video game or watch a movie and you just wanted to lay in bed and cuddle. How would you respond? Little things like that can make or break a relationship, in my opinion. I have found that unless two people can maintain their own style of living while living together (taking into account occasional and trivial sacrifices where one partner wants to do something with the other unwilling partner), they will encounter much more conflict.

 

3.) Intense passion, biologically speaking, is almost always chemical driven. You might not feel it, but that doesn't mean it isn't there... you're just missing certain triggers. Ask yourself what you would do if your boyfriend were to suddenly become unavailable, unreachable, etc. It's a dark thought, but imagine he were kidnapped. What would you feel? What would you do? How far would you go to see him at home, safe with you? Hell... go all Fringe style and say something happened and he had forgotten you completely... like he had never met you... and he was unaware of you or the fact that he was missing something. If he were happy, would you be fine letting him be, or would you go out of your way to make him fall in love with you all over again? Fun thought-games like that can really make you understand how you truly feel about a person.

 

In the end it sounds to me like your doubts are occurring because you are facing some pretty significant change. You are sacrificing quite a bit to be with him and you're changing the entire course of your life on the one condition that the two of you will work out, will be successful all the days of your life.

 

Then ask yourself "Who wouldn't experience doubt when faced with that much change?"

 

Hell, if you had zero doubts, you would have more cause for real concern.

[hoping2heal]

I could not do without passion. Now, I make my own individual choices and not everyone will feel the way I do. DF & I are extremely passionate. That said, We have been together a few years now and there are days when things seem..dull. I think that part is just normal. I love him madly but is every day just bursting at the seams with gushy affection and emotion, no not every day. A lot of days yep, not every day. It really has little to do with how we are getting along or anything like that either. There are just those hum drum days that happen sometimes.

 

That said, I dont know if you dont feel it simply because you are scared of being hurt, and you have held yourself back or you found a good guy, you care about him and you dont want to be alone, and now you are feeling obligated to this person and the future you are promising to him. You need some time to really sort this one out, because it will not end well if it is the latter. You both need passion and someone who feels that way for you.

 

As I said, you could just be freaking yourself out or could have been holding back to protect yourself. Could that be possible?

You really need to take the time to decide what is just jitters and what is a real indication of something wrong.

[hoping2heal]

1.) Winter's not all that bad. You learn to adjust and I would like to think you become a stronger and more enduring person since you have to face such dynamic weather. Instead of being able to lay out on a beach every day or under the stars at night, you cuddle up on the couch and stay warm by way of body heat to save money on heating bills.

 

2.) How long have you been with one another? Perhaps he's still feeling the honeymoon phase and you're not. When you live together or see one another all the time, personal space usually isn't the issue unless he requires more attention than you do. Ask yourself what you would do if the situation were reversed. Say he wanted to get up and play a video game or watch a movie and you just wanted to lay in bed and cuddle. How would you respond? Little things like that can make or break a relationship, in my opinion. I have found that unless two people can maintain their own style of living while living together (taking into account occasional and trivial sacrifices where one partner wants to do something with the other unwilling partner), they will encounter much more conflict.

 

3.) Intense passion, biologically speaking, is almost always chemical driven. You might not feel it, but that doesn't mean it isn't there... you're just missing certain triggers. Ask yourself what you would do if your boyfriend were to suddenly become unavailable, unreachable, etc. It's a dark thought, but imagine he were kidnapped. What would you feel? What would you do? How far would you go to see him at home, safe with you? Hell... go all Fringe style and say something happened and he had forgotten you completely... like he had never met you... and he was unaware of you or the fact that he was missing something. If he were happy, would you be fine letting him be, or would you go out of your way to make him fall in love with you all over again? Fun thought-games like that can really make you understand how you truly feel about a person.

 

In the end it sounds to me like your doubts are occurring because you are facing some pretty significant change. You are sacrificing quite a bit to be with him and you're changing the entire course of your life on the one condition that the two of you will work out, will be successful all the days of your life.

 

Then ask yourself "Who wouldn't experience doubt when faced with that much change?"

 

Hell, if you had zero doubts, you would have more cause for real concern.

 

I just wanted to say I thought this was a really insightful and spot on post!

[heartshaped]

He is my best friend and I do find him attractive, but I miss that raw passion that I had in the past. It's hard to go from that to something less and think you're not settling. And yeah I'm starting to wonder if that's what I'm doing.

 

My main question is how long have you been feeling this way?

 

If this is something that is just coming up now that you are close to moving to be with him then it might just be your nervousness, but if you've been feeling this way for a while then I would be worried. I think if this is something you are missing then it could be a problem. Some people are fine without having those feelings between them and their partner, some people aren't. I think it just all comes down to your needs in a relationship.

Edited February 20, 2011 by heartshaped
typo

[Mme. Chaucer]

Hi aerogurl,

 

First, yes, I think it is normal to have doubts when you are about to make such a big change that is hingeing solely upon your relationship.

 

I don't want to be a "debbie downer" here, however, I do think it would be a good idea for you to take a good, thorough and honest look at the trajectory of your relationship with this guy.

 

I have been following your threads since I came to LS and I have to say that I have been a little confused. I believe that you recently broke up with this guy, right? And it was a pretty hurtful breakup. During your break up, you got back together with your ex, who you see as your "soul mate." Is that correct? But you did not actually see the ex in person, if I have followed things; you just reunited online. And then a few weeks ago, you broke up with the ex and got back together with this guy - who you are now preparing to move to another country to be with.

 

Maybe the instability leading up to this planned move is affecting your peace of mind about your decision.

 

I am NOT saying that this is the case. I do think that you might want to talk over your decision making process with a good friend, or maybe with your mom, to make sure that you're as sure as you can be.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Okay, I just revisited your thread from about 6 weeks ago:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=259466&page=3

 

In this thread you say that your heart was never really with this boyfriend (that you are about to move to Canada to live with) and that it had always been with your ex, "the soldier." You also say that there was nothing to go back to so you would never get back together with this boyfriend who you are now planning to move in with.

 

You also express more than minor annoyance with his neediness in that thread.

 

You did not write those things in a fit of passion, or anger, from the tone of the posts. And it is all extremely recent.

 

So, my intention is not to challenge you or to rub anything in your face, Aerogurl, but I really think that you need to get a good grasp on what all of these severe about - faces, in such short time frames, of your attachments are coming from.

 

Again, I hope you can talk it through with someone you trust and who has good judgement.

[wild_urge]

Ok, but didn't you say that you cried at the airport a few days ago, when you had to say goodbye to him? Even if you knew that you are getting together only a month later? Doesn't that say enough? You are just overanalysing things, because so far you have lived with your parents and now you have to move to another country. It is scary, I would be scared too.

If, you are coming here in Canada, oh, yeah it does get awfully cold in the winter and there's no sunlight and it sucks, but then the spring is so wonderful, it's amazing and the summer is hot, where I live it gets crazy hot.

I am also like your boyfriend and want to spend the whole time hugging and kissing instead of doing something else, but at least you know that he's going to be with you all the time, when everything is still new for you and you don't have many friends. Plus, that is how he acts when you are together for short periods of time, may be he'll relax once you are together and he's not going to feel the pressure from having to separate again.

And for the sexual attraction, are you comparing your relationship to something you have had before? There is more than sex in a relationship, once you are together you will probably have sex more rarely due to the fact that you'll busy. And then you might not feel the pressure to just have sex, because you're not going to see him for months, but because you want to. Also, if you are taking pills for example it could affect your moods. I'm just trying to find a reason, but there could be many explanations, this is not a sex forum, but you could just be bored and maybe you should try something new.

I don't know really, but my opinion is that you should give it a shot, it is normal to be scared and to doubt things. I am ALWAYS doubtful when I'm getting on the plane, I don't know I just feel scared, but the moment I get to spend a few minutes with him, to kiss him, to touch him, to look at him I realise that is indeed what I have wanted the whole time and it is more marvellous than I have even expected.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Oh ... I just read your post on another thread TODAY:

 

Two weeks later I changed my mind, went back to my boyfriend. And you know what, I'm still in love with my ex boyfriend. That's right, it's been 1.5 years since I even saw his face and I still feel the same way I felt about him when he left me. Screwed up thing is he still loves me as well. We've put each other through hell and back, and yet we still care about each other alot. It's funny though, cause we can't get back together, our paths in life are different and honestly I don't think it would work. I think we've both come to terms with that, but who knows. Maybe one day he'll get out the army and I'll be single and we'll come together and have our own happily ever after. I don't know, but I won't hold my breath on it.

 

So, I guess this thread is completely moot. You don't "have doubts." You are "in love" with someone else. Don't move to Canada, and please just end it with this current boyfriend of yours. You need some time out from boyfriends, IMO.

[hoping2heal]

Aero, are you sure you are really in love with this ex and not hiding behind him because you are scared.

 

A year after this guy REALLY broke my heart he came back into my life, contacted me. I was with the lovely Mr.hoping2heal at that point, and I had not thought about the ex or had any interest in him since about 6 months prior. I let go in Nov of O8 and he contacted me Jun or July of O9.

 

Anyhoo, at the time Mr.hoping2heal and I were going through a really rough time. I had done a lot of things to break his trust in me and try to sabotage our relationship. I felt that he did not think very highly of me, and I guess that cannot be the case or he would not have stuck by me, but at the time that is how it felt.

 

So, along comes ex. This rush of emotion came over me, I was part vindicated that HE came back to me and I felt a lot of feelings I shut the guy down right quick though. I thought about getting in contact and going back to him, I thought about it.

 

That is when I realised I did not still love him, and even though I was strongly attatched and had in love feelings for him at one point, our relationship was highly dysfunctional and I did not trust him nor respect him enough to really love him. He was an escape. He was then, and he would of been now..now that I was faced with a REALLY good guy, that loves me. I loved Mr. then too, but it scared me. I was not sure if we would work out, if he would want to stay with me when I was causing such a *****storm, I doubted myself for a long time. Wether I could actually have a trusting relationship and not be so damn guarded.

 

Well, by some miracle..I realised a few hours after thinking about it that I was not going to pull a sabotage move and break us. I really loved Mr.H2H, not the ex and I realised for certain..it was really over, I had definitive closure and that was it. I never entertained the thought again, and I am so glad. I have the best relationship I have ever had with Mr.H2H, I have never loved or cared about any ex the way I do him. He really knows me, because I let him and I have never done that with any ex. I have never felt the connection or love for him with anyone else and of course..how could I! You can have feelings and attatchment for your drunk dad who beats you nightly, those are just feelings. True bonds of intimacy come from honesty and allowing yourself to be truly seen by your partner. I can do that with Mr.H2H, because he has proven himself trustworthy.

 

Now, maybe your situation is not like mine. Maybe you really have been harboring feelings all this time, or maybe you are just scared too.

[Els]

AG... I don't know. I really don't like that you are moving so soon after the recent upheaval (breakup, ex, etc). But if it will present you an exciting new opportunity (in other ways than just the relationship) instead of stunting you, though, I think you should go ahead and do it, for valuable experience and to give it a shot.

Edited February 20, 2011 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LittleTiger]

So, I guess this thread is completely moot. You don't "have doubts." You are "in love" with someone else. Don't move to Canada, and please just end it with this current boyfriend of yours. You need some time out from boyfriends, IMO.

 

Wow, I think I must have missed a whole chunk of your story Aerogurl, I didn't realise you'd been flipping back and forth between two different guys in such a short space of time.

 

In which case I'm with Mme. C on this. DO NOT move to Canada.

 

It doesn't sound as though you are ready to commit yourself to a life with anybody and I too would suggest you forget about boyfriends for a while. Spend some time sorting out what it is you want from life - for yourself. Where would you like to be in 10 years time? What would you like to be doing? Concentrate on you for a while so when the right guy does come along you'll have a much stronger sense of what is right for you.

[aerogurl87]

I talked to my best guy friend yesterday, and my sister today. Both of them told me that I need to do what is best for me and what will make me the most happy at this point in time. Then my sister added that I need to be independent and she fears if I move up to Canada I'll be too dependent on my boyfriend. I think she has a point there. And yeah I keep flip flopping, but I've been doing this pretty much with every guy I've dated since my ex and I broke up. Does that mean something? Maybe, maybe not. I think I'm scared of putting all my eggs in one basket with my boyfriend and it feels like all these things I thought before, that I downplayed, are starting to come to light. Even if they are minor issues, they're starting to scare the crap out of me.

 

H2H thanks for your experience. Mine is a little different though. My boyfriend and I are two very different people and I have what he considers to be a troubled past. A past that my boyfriend says he's now come to terms with, but it's hard being honest with him for me. Everytime he asks me about someone I've been with in the past I feel dirty and don't want him to touch me. I don't feel worthy of him sometimes and that's not a good way to feel. Honestly I don't think I'm everything he wants and needs sometimes, but I think he's so invested in our relationship he won't give up no matter what. It's getting to the point where I feel like he's just hoping it works out cause I was the girl he lost his virginity to and he really doesn't think he'll find anyone else if we break up. And he's really religious so he's dead set on only being with one person forever.

 

Also Mme. Chaucer I didn't get back with my ex per say. I entertained the idea and then decided against it. But yes I do still love my ex and it will be hard going the rest of my life without him in it in some way, shape, or form. But if I move to Canada I'll have to since that's one of the rules my boyfriend has. No talking to exes if we live together.

[aerogurl87]

I could not do without passion. Now, I make my own individual choices and not everyone will feel the way I do. DF & I are extremely passionate. That said, We have been together a few years now and there are days when things seem..dull. I think that part is just normal. I love him madly but is every day just bursting at the seams with gushy affection and emotion, no not every day. A lot of days yep, not every day. It really has little to do with how we are getting along or anything like that either. There are just those hum drum days that happen sometimes.

 

We don't have that, well not on my end anyway. Passion to me is the accumulation of small things that create one mega fire in my heart. Examples from when I did feel that great passion in past relationships included: writing poetry to each other (not everyday but every once in awhile), doing little things like fixing me a cup of tea when I was sick in bed, and just talking and feeling like everything was right in the world because this person was by my side. It wasn't huge things, but my boyfriend and I don't have any of that. I understand things won't always be passionate, but for the most part I think it should be like that, especially in the beginning.

 

The two times I did feel that passion with someone, it was present from the beginning of me meeting them. Something about them sparked my interest quite a bit and I wanted to constantly learn more about them. With my boyfriend, he caught my interest but I wasn't 100% gung ho about talking to him and figuring out his life story and such. I did fall in love with him and really enjoy talking to him and being in his company, but I don't feel that burning passion inside me. It's missing and I really don't think it should be. Maybe I'm asking for too much, I don't know.