hoping2heal Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 We don't have that, well not on my end anyway. Passion to me is the accumulation of small things that create one mega fire in my heart. Examples from when I did feel that great passion in past relationships included: writing poetry to each other (not everyday but every once in awhile), doing little things like fixing me a cup of tea when I was sick in bed, and just talking and feeling like everything was right in the world because this person was by my side. It wasn't huge things, but my boyfriend and I don't have any of that. I understand things won't always be passionate, but for the most part I think it should be like that, especially in the beginning. The two times I did feel that passion with someone, it was present from the beginning of me meeting them. Something about them sparked my interest quite a bit and I wanted to constantly learn more about them. With my boyfriend, he caught my interest but I wasn't 100% gung ho about talking to him and figuring out his life story and such. I did fall in love with him and really enjoy talking to him and being in his company, but I don't feel that burning passion inside me. It's missing and I really don't think it should be. Maybe I'm asking for too much, I don't know. I dont think you are asking too much to want passion. I wouldnt stay in a relationship without it. Even my past RS that were downright superficial had at least the element of passion once upon a time. It sounds like you have not let go of your ex, and until you do I dont see how you could actually have passion for anyone. I dont doubt you like the guy and care about him but to be honest aero, things sound rather forced. It doesnt sound like what is going on there is genuine. On the principal alone that you are still in love with your ex, you should not be moving to Canada, and does your current BF know you feel this way? Link to post Share on other sites
Author aerogurl87 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 I dont think you are asking too much to want passion. I wouldnt stay in a relationship without it. Even my past RS that were downright superficial had at least the element of passion once upon a time. It sounds like you have not let go of your ex, and until you do I dont see how you could actually have passion for anyone. I dont doubt you like the guy and care about him but to be honest aero, things sound rather forced. It doesnt sound like what is going on there is genuine. On the principal alone that you are still in love with your ex, you should not be moving to Canada, and does your current BF know you feel this way? Yes he does, I told him how I felt. His response was 1) the Devil is out to destroy our relationship and 2) the distance is the issue and other than that we are completely fine. I don't agree with either one of those theories because 1) I am religious but I don't think the Devil is so bored that he's out to destroy our LDR and 2) there is more than the distance that is the problem. I told him today that I don't like that when we're together in person we argue alot. He said "yeah but we don't argue much", but the thing is in my past relationships I didn't argue with any of my exes half as much as I argue with him. But like I said maybe this is me freaking out too much. Oh and yeah he knows about my ex and all that. He now hates him and thinks he's a "tool of the Devil to break us up". Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 So, Devil aside, what are you going to do? This isn't really something you can sit on for too long.... Regardless of your current situation, you do need to let your ex go. It's not fair to any guy you're with if you're still in love with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 Yes he does, I told him how I felt. His response was 1) the Devil is out to destroy our relationship and 2) the distance is the issue and other than that we are completely fine. I don't agree with either one of those theories because 1) I am religious but I don't think the Devil is so bored that he's out to destroy our LDR and 2) there is more than the distance that is the problem. I told him today that I don't like that when we're together in person we argue alot. He said "yeah but we don't argue much", but the thing is in my past relationships I didn't argue with any of my exes half as much as I argue with him. But like I said maybe this is me freaking out too much. Oh and yeah he knows about my ex and all that. He now hates him and thinks he's a "tool of the Devil to break us up". Okay, clearly your BF does not know how to deal with any of this and be rational or logical about it. His response would scare the living daylights out of me. I know everyone has different levels of beleifs, but if I told my BF I was in love with my ex, and his response was just that it will be fine when there is no distance and the devil is trying to break us up..I am sorry but I couldnt hang. You told him something very serious and even HE is so adamant on having a relationship he will twist and distort it any way possible to work. That is just not a good sign. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 Okay, clearly your BF does not know how to deal with any of this and be rational or logical about it. His response would scare the living daylights out of me. I know everyone has different levels of beleifs, but if I told my BF I was in love with my ex, and his response was just that it will be fine when there is no distance and the devil is trying to break us up..I am sorry but I couldnt hang. You told him something very serious and even HE is so adamant on having a relationship he will twist and distort it any way possible to work. That is just not a good sign. No kidding. I wouldn't be able to take him seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
heartshaped Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 Yes he does, I told him how I felt. His response was 1) the Devil is out to destroy our relationship and 2) the distance is the issue and other than that we are completely fine. I don't agree with either one of those theories because 1) I am religious but I don't think the Devil is so bored that he's out to destroy our LDR and 2) there is more than the distance that is the problem. I told him today that I don't like that when we're together in person we argue alot. He said "yeah but we don't argue much", but the thing is in my past relationships I didn't argue with any of my exes half as much as I argue with him. But like I said maybe this is me freaking out too much. Oh and yeah he knows about my ex and all that. He now hates him and thinks he's a "tool of the Devil to break us up". Your love for your exboyfriend withstanding, this guy does not at all sound like the type of person you would want to spend your life with. I am a religious person as well, but that...well, that's just out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aerogurl87 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 Ok yes I will admit the Devil thing is a bit crazy in nature. Not as bad as him telling me that him and God had a talk and God told him that we will be together in the end no matter what. But I'm not gonna dwell on that. The thing is that I did tell him the truth about how I felt about my ex, but he's sure that if my ex and I don't talk that my feelings will just fade in time especially if we live together full time. Link to post Share on other sites
heartshaped Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 Ok yes I will admit the Devil thing is a bit crazy in nature. Not as bad as him telling me that him and God had a talk and God told him that we will be together in the end no matter what. But I'm not gonna dwell on that. The thing is that I did tell him the truth about how I felt about my ex, but he's sure that if my ex and I don't talk that my feelings will just fade in time especially if we live together full time. I think if you still have these feelings for your ex after all this time, they just aren't going to 'fade' away. If anything, I think you need time to yourself to get closure or figure out what exactly you want to do about these feelings before moving away from everything you know to be with someone else. You said you considered getting back together with this ex, but then decided against it, what stopped you? Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 Ok yes I will admit the Devil thing is a bit crazy in nature. Not as bad as him telling me that him and God had a talk and God told him that we will be together in the end no matter what. But I'm not gonna dwell on that. The thing is that I did tell him the truth about how I felt about my ex, but he's sure that if my ex and I don't talk that my feelings will just fade in time especially if we live together full time. You really should not be dismissing these things he is saying. If he really wants you to move down there right now, to another country, when your head has all of this going on and he keeps rationalizing away that its just the devil and it was meant to be, bla bla bla. I mean, he really for one cannot have great self esteem. Being desperate to have a relationship as he seems to be, and now you too seem to be, does not mean you love or care about that person. He is making excuses for what should be a big red flag that you are not ready to move in and get serious in your relationship at this time, and you are making excuses for what should be a big, red flag that this guy is not being at ALL realistic. I think if you move, you are gonna get down there and feel suffocated. He will have these expectations for what your RS should be, and of course it wont be that because you still have not let go of your ex. I could be wrong, but you are coming across as though you figure you should just go ahead and move since your BF knows everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aerogurl87 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 (edited) You said you considered getting back together with this ex, but then decided against it, what stopped you? He's in the military, that was pretty much it. I don't know if I could handle his crazy schedule or not. You really should not be dismissing these things he is saying. If he really wants you to move down there right now, to another country, when your head has all of this going on and he keeps rationalizing away that its just the devil and it was meant to be, bla bla bla. I mean, he really for one cannot have great self esteem. Being desperate to have a relationship as he seems to be, and now you too seem to be, does not mean you love or care about that person. He is making excuses for what should be a big red flag that you are not ready to move in and get serious in your relationship at this time, and you are making excuses for what should be a big, red flag that this guy is not being at ALL realistic. I think if you move, you are gonna get down there and feel suffocated. He will have these expectations for what your RS should be, and of course it wont be that because you still have not let go of your ex. I could be wrong, but you are coming across as though you figure you should just go ahead and move since your BF knows everything. No, he doesn't have great self esteem, although he's come a long way since we started dating. I'm not desperate to have a relationship, but I do believe he is. Now he's telling me we're married in God's eyes and if I leave him and sleep with someone else down the road, I'll be committing adultery. I do see the red flags, hence my hesitation to be with him. I'm already starting to feel suffocated. He's back harassing my sister with text messages about how she needs to help stop me from changing my mind, and blowing up my phone every 5 seconds and telling me that God's will is that we be together. I'm about at my end's rope. Edit: Talked to my friend a few minutes ago, and told him about my boyfriend's "God speech" and he said that he really thinks I should stay here, since if I move there he might not let me come back that easily. Edited February 21, 2011 by aerogurl87 Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 He's in the military, that was pretty much it. I don't know if I could handle his crazy schedule or not. No, he doesn't have great self esteem, although he's come a long way since we started dating. I'm not desperate to have a relationship, but I do believe he is. Now he's telling me we're married in God's eyes and if I leave him and sleep with someone else down the road, I'll be committing adultery. I do see the red flags, hence my hesitation to be with him. I'm already starting to feel suffocated. He's back harassing my sister with text messages about how she needs to help stop me from changing my mind, and blowing up my phone every 5 seconds and telling me that God's will is that we be together. I'm about at my end's rope. Edit: Talked to my friend a few minutes ago, and told him about my boyfriend's "God speech" and he said that he really thinks I should stay here, since if I move there he might not let me come back that easily. Okay, he is seriously sounding crazy right now. For real. Anyone who was stable would want you to be with them because that is how YOU feel and what you want, you are not some piece of property and for someone so concerned about Gods will, he sure has a lot to learn about the right way to love people in general, that is not by force. I agree with the friend that I think he would make it difficult for you to get back. Anyone acting this nuts and controlling when you are not even there yet..I could not trust that. Link to post Share on other sites
heartshaped Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 He's in the military, that was pretty much it. I don't know if I could handle his crazy schedule or not. ? If that is the only thing withholding you from being with him, then, I would say you need to at least talk to him and try to see if things could be worked out. If they can't, then you need to finally let go and start to move on with your life. As for your current boyfriend, he sounds controlling, obsessive, and a bit of a manipulator. I think you need to call it quits and definitely don't move to be with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aerogurl87 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 Okay, he is seriously sounding crazy right now. For real. Anyone who was stable would want you to be with them because that is how YOU feel and what you want, you are not some piece of property and for someone so concerned about Gods will, he sure has a lot to learn about the right way to love people in general, that is not by force. I agree with the friend that I think he would make it difficult for you to get back. Anyone acting this nuts and controlling when you are not even there yet..I could not trust that. Sadly, h2h, I didn't realize how crazy this sounded before writing it out. I was dismissing it, but now it's sounding to me like he does have rather serious issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aerogurl87 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 ? If that is the only thing withholding you from being with him, then, I would say you need to at least talk to him and try to see if things could be worked out. If they can't, then you need to finally let go and start to move on with your life. As for your current boyfriend, he sounds controlling, obsessive, and a bit of a manipulator. I think you need to call it quits and definitely don't move to be with him. Aye, but he's stationed in Texas and I'm in North Carolina. I mean that's not really a problem since our relationship was a LDR when we were together, but... aye. It'd be hard to work things out with that distance, not impossible, but still hard. I think he's still holding out hope though from what I've gathered from other sources. And my current boyfriend is now telling me that my doubting moving has given him nightmares. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 Ok... would like to change my first response to this thread. Don't you dare move to be with him. Otherwise, when I've moved, I will be forced to kidnap you back to Not Crazy Land. Sorry, I'll do it. Link to post Share on other sites
heartshaped Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 Aye, but he's stationed in Texas and I'm in North Carolina. I mean that's not really a problem since our relationship was a LDR when we were together, but... aye. It'd be hard to work things out with that distance, not impossible, but still hard. I think he's still holding out hope though from what I've gathered from other sources. And my current boyfriend is now telling me that my doubting moving has given him nightmares. I can only imagine how hard it is being with someone in the military, but if the two of you love each other so much that you are still thinking of each other and in love after all of this time, I would at least give it a shot. I'd rather try and try until it's evident it won't succeed than give up when you're still in love and always wonder. And your current boyfriend...there is just a red light flashing in my head and a voice screaming danger! danger! Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 I do feel bad for your current BF. Not because of anything you did, I just feel bad for anyone who is so desperate. I dont know if he has been brainwashed by his religion, or by his parents or what. He just does not seem to be living in the present, sane, and clear at the moment. You cannot help how you feel and I am sure you already know it was not a wise decision to get into this RS with new guy when you were in love with someone else, but you probably wont be making that mistake again. I remember you having a bf that did not seem to be very nice to you, you broke up, wanted him back, then changed your mind. Is this a different guy from military guy or is this the same person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aerogurl87 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 I can only imagine how hard it is being with someone in the military, but if the two of you love each other so much that you are still thinking of each other and in love after all of this time, I would at least give it a shot. I'd rather try and try until it's evident it won't succeed than give up when you're still in love and always wonder. And your current boyfriend...there is just a red light flashing in my head and a voice screaming danger! danger! Yes it would be hard, very hard. That's what I keep thinking "what if" and the last time I talked to my ex he told me he wanted to see me, and from what I've heard he still wants to see me. It's just odd cause we haven't actually seen each other in person in like 1.5 years and up until recently we'd only talked on the phone like less than 5 times during that whole time. So maybe I should give him a shot after I've cleared my mind, I dunno. And with my current boyfriend, well he's now talking about us having kids one day and telling me that if I move to be with him I will accomplish all my dreams, but if I stay here where I am now, there's no certainty on if I will. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 Yes it would be hard, very hard. That's what I keep thinking "what if" and the last time I talked to my ex he told me he wanted to see me, and from what I've heard he still wants to see me. It's just odd cause we haven't actually seen each other in person in like 1.5 years and up until recently we'd only talked on the phone like less than 5 times during that whole time. So maybe I should give him a shot after I've cleared my mind, I dunno. And with my current boyfriend, well he's now talking about us having kids one day and telling me that if I move to be with him I will accomplish all my dreams, but if I stay here where I am now, there's no certainty on if I will. It doesn't have to be between them. They both don't really sound like they're acceptable for a LTR. They're not the only two guys in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aerogurl87 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 I do feel bad for your current BF. Not because of anything you did, I just feel bad for anyone who is so desperate. I dont know if he has been brainwashed by his religion, or by his parents or what. He just does not seem to be living in the present, sane, and clear at the moment. You cannot help how you feel and I am sure you already know it was not a wise decision to get into this RS with new guy when you were in love with someone else, but you probably wont be making that mistake again. I remember you having a bf that did not seem to be very nice to you, you broke up, wanted him back, then changed your mind. Is this a different guy from military guy or is this the same person. It's not his religion or his parents, as far as I can tell they are sane. It's just... him. And yes it wasn't wise for me to get into a new relationship, I can see that now. And yeah the not so nice guy is the military guy. But since we dated 2 years ago he's actually changed quite a bit. I mean he could be deceiving me big time, but my intuition says he isn't. Granted, I could be wrong, but my ex never was a good liar and so I think he actually made strides in the right direction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aerogurl87 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 It doesn't have to be between them. They both don't really sound like they're acceptable for a LTR. They're not the only two guys in the world. I know it doesn't have to be between them CE. But if my boyfriend and I break up, I'm gonna have to either stop loving my ex, and finish off whatever we have once and for all. Or I can go back to him and try one more time. But for now I think things with my boyfriend may be ending very soon, he's spiraling into his crazy talk again. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 I know it doesn't have to be between them CE. But if my boyfriend and I break up, I'm gonna have to either stop loving my ex, and finish off whatever we have once and for all. Or I can go back to him and try one more time. But for now I think things with my boyfriend may be ending very soon, he's spiraling into his crazy talk again. The things he has been saying are very unstable, very unrealistic, and just plain off the wall. I would never, ever in a million years move there now, I think that is just plain a volatile and dangerous idea for you. As for your ex, no matter what happens with him, I think you need a time out from both guys and not have either one of them talking in your ear. You have a lot to sort through and figure out, and having either guy in your life right now is not going to help you to make a clear decision about where you will go next. You need to get yourself straightened out first and foremost and let the cards fall where they may. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aerogurl87 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 I somewhat feel like I'm being blackmailed now. My boyfriend knows I want/need a new car as it will help me in getting out of my parents house. He also knows that if I don't move to be with him all of my tax money is going towards trying to get a car. So he tells me that if I move he wants me to pay to ship my stuff to him, but if I don't move I have to reimburse him for the airline ticket for wasting his time. Honestly I don't mind paying for half the ticket, but I don't feel like I should have to pay the whole thing. And he knows that if I pay for the whole thing it will throw me off track for awhile for getting out and moving forward in my life in general. And he also knows that if I move my stuff there, by the time the first week is up I will have little money left from shipping and other stuff I'd have to get done. So I'll be broke and won't have any real way to leave for awhile. So I'm starting to feel like this is blackmail a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 I've just caught up with this thread, Aerogurl and, if everything you say about him is as you've described, then I fear for your safety if you move. This guy sounds like a control freak and you could end up regreting it for the rest of your life. Cut ties with him, stay with your family and friends and get your head sorted before you even consider another relationship. Once you've cleared your head, you could look at the possibility of trying again with your ex - but not now. You are too confused to think straight about what's good for you so please, whatever you do, DO NOT MOVE TO CANADA! Link to post Share on other sites
heartshaped Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 You don't 'have' to do anything unless you agreed to pay him for the ticket, otherwise, I'd give him half if you felt like it and could afford it. Link to post Share on other sites
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