Is it normal to have doubts?

[hoping2heal]

Yes I keep thinking about that. The sad thing is my boyfriend (I'm planning to break up with him tonight probably) doesn't even care about that. He thinks that the farther away from my ex, the less of an issue it will become. Only problem with that being I've been away from my ex almost 2 years with little contact during that period of time and still have feelings for him when he's as far away as he was the first time we met. I guess I need to start unpacking my things, inform my parents, and retract my 2 week notice at work if that's even possible.

 

Your BF must be terribly naive about both relationships and people. If all it took to get over someone was put a few hundred or thousand miles between you and them, there would be very little heartbreak. I suppose your bf will just continue to lie in wait for you, thinking the devil is controlling your mind and figuring if he prays enough he will break the hold

[aerogurl87]

Your BF must be terribly naive about both relationships and people. If all it took to get over someone was put a few hundred or thousand miles between you and them, there would be very little heartbreak. I suppose your bf will just continue to lie in wait for you, thinking the devil is controlling your mind and figuring if he prays enough he will break the hold

 

Sadly enough that bold part is probably true. When we broke up in January and I told him I might go back to my ex, he told me that he knew it wouldn't last and he'd just wait for me to come to my senses in 6 months or so. He even mentioned that he hoped I would figure out he was right for me before I got pregnant, because me having a baby would make it harder for us to reconcile. I told him that if that's the case we shouldn't be together, to which he replied it was just a test from God. I seriously think he's lost it, but he's still trying to persuade me to move.

Edited February 23, 2011 by aerogurl87

[aerogurl87]

I ended things with my boyfriend tonight. Basically I told him I couldn't make the move because of too many factors. Right now he's angry and just told me that everything was a waste of time and he should've known better. Ironically enough I feel much better now. Now time to enjoy the life of being single.

[Janicee]

To take deep rest of your mind and heart is best for you now.

It seems both of your exs are having dark sides that would tumble you at times. Do make retrospection and understanding of your own style of getting into relationship, and hopefully with the insight, you would find a more healthy relationship in the future!

[aerogurl87]

Thank you Janicee, I will try to do that now.

[BettyBoop]

I ended things with my boyfriend tonight. Basically I told him I couldn't make the move because of too many factors. Right now he's angry and just told me that everything was a waste of time and he should've known better. Ironically enough I feel much better now. Now time to enjoy the life of being single.

 

I didn't post in time to give any advice but your feelings abour your ex reminded me of my own doubt with my ex fiancé. After breaking up with him (he was the one who was moving to be with me), I also felt much better. Like a heavy load was off my chest. We lacked passion as well - when he first told me he loved me I felt so bad I said I loved him too. So for me it was never fireworks in the beginning either.

 

"Nice guys" like our exes are from my own experience the ones who will badmouth you the most after a break-up and I hope at least yours won't start calling you a whore like mine did.

 

I wish you the best, and you're right it's time to start enjoy what you feel is the best for you.

[BettyBoop]

I disagree that he wasnt always like this. A little lesson about people in case you have not yet caught on, when the oven gets hot that is when you see who people really are. Anyone can put on an act and be number 1 guy when everything is going their way, just as they want it. I dont think for a second that he was perfectly stable and on an even keel and then all of the sudden he just did a whole 18O because you might leave him.

 

He probably does not even realize this yet, but he is scared of losing what you represent, not you. Nothing you have described him doing is indicative of a person loving another person. He seems terrified of losing a girlfriend figure, not you. He loves the idea of a girlfriend figure, not the actual you..I can tell that because he treats you like a piece of furniture and you just dont objectify a person you love.

He just may not have enough experience or maturity to understand the difference right now.

 

Do not allow yourself to start taking responsibility for his dysfunctional behavior. That is what women in domestic abuse relationships do, who are too brainwashed and beaten down to know the difference. You dont want to be that girl, do you.

 

H2H that was the best advice I ever read. I wish I'd been told those things years ago with my ex!

[folieadeux]

Just caught up with this thread.

 

Aero, I just want to say that, after reading everything, I really think you did the right thing by ending things and not going ahead with the move. I was one of your relationship's biggest advocates on here without realizing how emotionally abusive and controlling this guy is. Totally unreal.

 

Enjoy the single life now and if you want to move to get a fresh start, you're better off doing it alone.

 

Best of luck.

[aerogurl87]

After my boyfriend and I broke up and he told me "if this is what you want, then fine, but just know that I'll still be here for you". I took some time to think for myself and what it was I wanted and whether or not my boyfriend fit into that picture. First things first, I thought about was I really in love with my ex or was I using him as a scapegoat to run away from my relationship and was he just the main image of my past that I wanted to cling on to (I have a bit of a fear of the unknown). After thinking I realised that 1) I wasn't in love with him. I did love him but I loved the old him, not the person who had become a stranger, and I was holding onto that love to form some bond to my past, even if it were an unhealthy one. Secondly, I realised that I have a big fear of moving forward when I don't know what the future will bring. I do not like being in limbo and I certainly hate even a slight twinge of uncertainty when it comes to my life. So my ex was the perfect scapegoat when I started to run out of reasons to leave my boyfriend.

 

After I thought about these things my boyfriend and I had a few long talks. I told him what was going on in my head and he listened like a sane person. He apologised for the craziness, said he felt like his whole world was crumbling around him and he didn't know what to do, especially as he really had no one to talk about anything with. I understood that, as I lost my mind when my ex left me (had an emotional breakdown and all that jazz). Anyway we continued to talk and talk and talk. He told me he understood my fears and then we started to reminisce about his visit here. He asked me had I loved him when he came to visit. I told him I had and that I still did, I just didn't feel the passion I wanted out of our relationship. So he asked me what made me feel passion in the past, and I told him.

 

The next day I woke up to a sweet email where he wrote me a lil e-love note. It was one of the things that I told him made me feel passionate when I was with someone. Little gestures like that, instead of the big ones he likes to do alot. I still love him and yes, we're back together. I know everyone said I should leave him on here, but honestly he's not super crazy. Was he stressed out? Yes. Is that what pushed him to start talking a bit psycho? Yes it was, but I don't believe he's super crazy like that. It just reminded me of that line from Breakeven by The Script. "I'm still alive though I'm barely breathing, just prayed to a god that I don't believe in". People do crazy things when they are in love and when they really want someone back they will go to great lengths to do that, even if it's deemed out of the norm for behaviour.

 

Anyway, I feel a spark for him still, it's there. The passion isn't raging still, but it's getting better as we keep talking. I told him I don't think I had fully healed from when we broke up in the beginning of the year. Maybe that mental collapse of doubt was what I needed though. It purged me of the fear and anger I had built up inside. It's gone, I feel free and lighter emotionally. I'm happy again and I'm happy with him. So now I guess we will see where the next year and a half takes us. Because oh yes, I forgot to mention I agreed to move to his city.

 

I know that may sound crazy, but what is life without chances. And who knows in a month I may be crazily happy. I may be miserable and move back, which is still a viable option if I am. But I'll never know if I don't go. And so next week I will take a leap of faith and move to be with him. And we will see where this journey and adventure takes us in life.

[heartshaped]

If you are happy with your decision, then, you made the right one for you. The only thing I can say is have some money just in case you aren't happy once you get there. Don't put yourself in a situation where you won't be able to return home without money from him or someone else. I wish you the best and keep us posted.

[aerogurl87]

If you are happy with your decision, then, you made the right one for you. The only thing I can say is have some money just in case you aren't happy once you get there. Don't put yourself in a situation where you won't be able to return home without money from him or someone else. I wish you the best and keep us posted.

 

I do have money put away already so if I want or need to leave I can. And I am happy with the decision I made. Something I didn't actually address when I was writing in this thread is that I have anxiety and trust issues. I overanalyze alot and then start to obsess over my thoughts till things start to seem insurmountably horrible. My boyfriend brought this to my attention during one of our talks and I think I know where it comes from. Screwed up childhood and I don't trust people, but that's for another thread. I'll keep everyone updated, but for now I need to scurry off and finish up packing all my stuff.

[HeavenOrHell]

I hope things work out for you, as long as you feel safe with him cos some of the stuff he was coming out with was pretty way out, be careful. At least you can come back if things don't work out.

I overanalyse too because I have low self esteem and fret/obsess too much, then I get confused about whether there IS a problem or if it's my anxiety telling me there is when there isn't really

 

 

 

I do have money put away already so if I want or need to leave I can. And I am happy with the decision I made. Something I didn't actually address when I was writing in this thread is that I have anxiety and trust issues. I overanalyze alot and then start to obsess over my thoughts till things start to seem insurmountably horrible. My boyfriend brought this to my attention during one of our talks and I think I know where it comes from. Screwed up childhood and I don't trust people, but that's for another thread. I'll keep everyone updated, but for now I need to scurry off and finish up packing all my stuff.

[hoping2heal]

After my boyfriend and I broke up and he told me "if this is what you want, then fine, but just know that I'll still be here for you". I took some time to think for myself and what it was I wanted and whether or not my boyfriend fit into that picture. First things first, I thought about was I really in love with my ex or was I using him as a scapegoat to run away from my relationship and was he just the main image of my past that I wanted to cling on to (I have a bit of a fear of the unknown). After thinking I realised that 1) I wasn't in love with him. I did love him but I loved the old him, not the person who had become a stranger, and I was holding onto that love to form some bond to my past, even if it were an unhealthy one. Secondly, I realised that I have a big fear of moving forward when I don't know what the future will bring. I do not like being in limbo and I certainly hate even a slight twinge of uncertainty when it comes to my life. So my ex was the perfect scapegoat when I started to run out of reasons to leave my boyfriend.

 

After I thought about these things my boyfriend and I had a few long talks. I told him what was going on in my head and he listened like a sane person. He apologised for the craziness, said he felt like his whole world was crumbling around him and he didn't know what to do, especially as he really had no one to talk about anything with. I understood that, as I lost my mind when my ex left me (had an emotional breakdown and all that jazz). Anyway we continued to talk and talk and talk. He told me he understood my fears and then we started to reminisce about his visit here. He asked me had I loved him when he came to visit. I told him I had and that I still did, I just didn't feel the passion I wanted out of our relationship. So he asked me what made me feel passion in the past, and I told him.

 

The next day I woke up to a sweet email where he wrote me a lil e-love note. It was one of the things that I told him made me feel passionate when I was with someone. Little gestures like that, instead of the big ones he likes to do alot. I still love him and yes, we're back together. I know everyone said I should leave him on here, but honestly he's not super crazy. Was he stressed out? Yes. Is that what pushed him to start talking a bit psycho? Yes it was, but I don't believe he's super crazy like that. It just reminded me of that line from Breakeven by The Script. "I'm still alive though I'm barely breathing, just prayed to a god that I don't believe in". People do crazy things when they are in love and when they really want someone back they will go to great lengths to do that, even if it's deemed out of the norm for behaviour.

 

Anyway, I feel a spark for him still, it's there. The passion isn't raging still, but it's getting better as we keep talking. I told him I don't think I had fully healed from when we broke up in the beginning of the year. Maybe that mental collapse of doubt was what I needed though. It purged me of the fear and anger I had built up inside. It's gone, I feel free and lighter emotionally. I'm happy again and I'm happy with him. So now I guess we will see where the next year and a half takes us. Because oh yes, I forgot to mention I agreed to move to his city.

 

I know that may sound crazy, but what is life without chances. And who knows in a month I may be crazily happy. I may be miserable and move back, which is still a viable option if I am. But I'll never know if I don't go. And so next week I will take a leap of faith and move to be with him. And we will see where this journey and adventure takes us in life.

 

You are a grown woman and what you choose to do will be your perogative. My only concern for you is that you are not going into this with your eyes open.

 

Firstly, you will remember I wrote you a week or so back. I told you how I was scared of a RS I was in not working out and almost considered my ex, not because I still loved him or wanted to be with him, it was just fear and I thankfully did not allow that fear to sabotage things with the RS I was in. You seemed pretty certain that was not you or what you were going through. Maybe it was, maybe it wasnt. Maybe it is your ex you are afraid it wont really work with, and you see this other man who seems so desperate for you and you figure this will be the makings of a sure thing. Someone who will not leave you because they act like they cannot possibly function without you.

 

Secondly, I have been in a RS before where I was too young and naive to understand that I loved the concept and representation and not the actual person. I cared for them, I liked them but I did not love them. I thought I did. I thought I loved them more than anything I ever had or would and as a result I did things I am not proud of when I was losing them. In hindsight, I know that does not define me and I learned from it and have never repeated that behavior again but it also helped me to understand the difference between loving a person. If I really loved the man who I thought I did, I would have let him leave the RS instead of resorting to every manipulative and dishonorable method I could conjure up at the young age of 18. See, I would not want someone who genuinely did not want to be with me were it not for a guilt trip, or feeling sorry for me. I would not want that for myself or for someone I loved.

 

The things he said and the way he treated you, that does not tell me someone is desperately in love with you. You are being objectified and chances are, not on purpose. I know I did not even realize it when I was in the thick of it. I thought I was madly in love, that was why I was doing these things and acting in these horrible ways that I was not proud of. The way he treated you was a serious red flag and indication of things to come should this man not get his way. I think you rushing so quickly to excuse and dismiss it is a bad idea. That does not mean you cannot move or continue to date him, it does mean you need to have one seriously effective back up plan ready or you will find yourself in a bad place.

[Janicee]

I think you are a very here and now person driving by present feeling. The danger I see in your relationship is that when agruments arise, you both act in a horrible way by choosing all or nothing. There are also hurting words and fights. Now you are in long distance and you can escape by spacing it out. When you two are together for long and it happens, you might have no escape and I even worry some physical harming things might happen.

 

Seeing your relationship with bf like a roaster coaster, I can't stop having some worries for your safety

[aerogurl87]

You are a grown woman and what you choose to do will be your perogative. My only concern for you is that you are not going into this with your eyes open.

 

Firstly, you will remember I wrote you a week or so back. I told you how I was scared of a RS I was in not working out and almost considered my ex, not because I still loved him or wanted to be with him, it was just fear and I thankfully did not allow that fear to sabotage things with the RS I was in. You seemed pretty certain that was not you or what you were going through. Maybe it was, maybe it wasnt. Maybe it is your ex you are afraid it wont really work with, and you see this other man who seems so desperate for you and you figure this will be the makings of a sure thing. Someone who will not leave you because they act like they cannot possibly function without you.

 

Secondly, I have been in a RS before where I was too young and naive to understand that I loved the concept and representation and not the actual person. I cared for them, I liked them but I did not love them. I thought I did. I thought I loved them more than anything I ever had or would and as a result I did things I am not proud of when I was losing them. In hindsight, I know that does not define me and I learned from it and have never repeated that behavior again but it also helped me to understand the difference between loving a person. If I really loved the man who I thought I did, I would have let him leave the RS instead of resorting to every manipulative and dishonorable method I could conjure up at the young age of 18. See, I would not want someone who genuinely did not want to be with me were it not for a guilt trip, or feeling sorry for me. I would not want that for myself or for someone I loved.

 

The things he said and the way he treated you, that does not tell me someone is desperately in love with you. You are being objectified and chances are, not on purpose. I know I did not even realize it when I was in the thick of it. I thought I was madly in love, that was why I was doing these things and acting in these horrible ways that I was not proud of. The way he treated you was a serious red flag and indication of things to come should this man not get his way. I think you rushing so quickly to excuse and dismiss it is a bad idea. That does not mean you cannot move or continue to date him, it does mean you need to have one seriously effective back up plan ready or you will find yourself in a bad place.

 

I have an effective back up plan that includes enough money for a plane ticket and my own car to drive to the airport. I've thought about if things don't work out, and I can always leave, that's not a problem that I'm concerned with anymore. Maybe he does objectify me, and maybe he really isn't in love. I don't know, but then again I don't know how anyone else truly feels about anything except for myself. I will see what the next few weeks bring.

 

I think you are a very here and now person driving by present feeling. The danger I see in your relationship is that when agruments arise, you both act in a horrible way by choosing all or nothing. There are also hurting words and fights. Now you are in long distance and you can escape by spacing it out. When you two are together for long and it happens, you might have no escape and I even worry some physical harming things might happen.

 

Seeing your relationship with bf like a roaster coaster, I can't stop having some worries for your safety

 

Your first sentence is unfortunately true. I am an impulsive person, and that can be good and bad. Mostly though when it comes to relationships it is very bad in my case. I do not like conflict, and that probably has alot to do with how my parents were growing up. If I sense conflict I run for the hills, it's a defense mechanism that I am still working on fixing. And yes I am a very all or nothing person, I demand either the best or I walk. I don't like mediocrity or half assed attempts.

 

I don't worry about my boyfriend hurting me physically whatsoever. I'm sorry if it came across like that in my previous posts, but I don't. Do I worry that he may try to stop me from leaving by making things a bit difficult, a little bit. But that's about it. And our relationship actually was not like a roller coaster until I started freaking out about moving so much and my fear of the unknown started to flare up inside of me. I don't like change and I don't like risk. Moving will be one of the greatest risks I will ever take in my life and yes that scared me to the point where I talked myself out of doing it a few times. I mean yeah my boyfriend said a few off the wall things (the thing about us being married in God's eyes was what I had actually said before, so I don't hold that against him) but I won't put all the blame on him. Part of it was my doing as well cause up until I started obsessing over every minor thing that could go wrong, we were actually doing good since we'd gotten back together. But I will see how things go when I move there.

[heartshaped]

I am an impulsive person, and that can be good and bad. Mostly though when it comes to relationships it is very bad in my case. I do not like conflict, and that probably has alot to do with how my parents were growing up. If I sense conflict I run for the hills, it's a defense mechanism that I am still working on fixing.

 

You sound a lot like me, OP. I don't think there's really anything wrong with being impulsive as long as you look before you leap, but some of the most amazing things that have happened to me are things that happened because I am impulsive.

 

Yeah, this guy could turn out to be the worst person in the world for you or he could turn out to be the best. It's hard to say. He has said some concerning things, but when someone is upset and the words they are speaking are coming from emotion instead of their logic then it's hard to say if their words are just skewed by emotion or truly their opinion.

 

But as long as you have a way out, then, I'm happy for you.

 

I quoted the conflict thing too because that's also something I went through. At the end of the day though, I can honestly just say I don't like conflict at all. Though instead of trying to fix it, I just accepted it. I realized a long time ago I would never be happy fighting with someone all of my life; that's just not me. If I have to fight with someone all the time, won't stay with them. I also found that when it's the right person, I don't mind the fighting as much [not as much to the point that I leave which is what I usually do.]

[aerogurl87]

You sound a lot like me, OP. I don't think there's really anything wrong with being impulsive as long as you look before you leap, but some of the most amazing things that have happened to me are things that happened because I am impulsive.

 

Yeah, this guy could turn out to be the worst person in the world for you or he could turn out to be the best. It's hard to say. He has said some concerning things, but when someone is upset and the words they are speaking are coming from emotion instead of their logic then it's hard to say if their words are just skewed by emotion or truly their opinion.

 

But as long as you have a way out, then, I'm happy for you.

 

Thanks heartshaped, the bolded part is how I feel right now. Yes he could end up being horrible and I could end up being miserable and coming back home in tears. Or he could end up being absolutely great and we could be happy and one day get married and have a lovely family together. But unless I go there, I will never know.

 

I also don't think that what he said is how he truly feels, I think it was him getting desperate and him losing control emotionally. I mean when I had my heartbroken before I started seeing hallucinations of my ex and writing all these crazy love stories about him and I dying and being together for eternity. For some that sounds crazy, for me it helped me cope with the reality of my world falling apart. For my boyfriend he just tried to cope in a different way, I understand how he was feeling cause I've been there before.

[Janicee]

I know nothing can stop you now when your impulse to go is at high point.

 

I would advise you to spend time to work out the fact that you still have feeling for the first ex as you had mentioned many times how this linkage had hampered your relationship with the present bf. This was due to the latter's insecurtiy concerning your constant looking for the ex when things with bf was not good. At lovely times, these issues my be put under the blanket, but at bad times, these are haunted drivers for sense of insecurity as well as the popping up of relevant hurting words and acts!

 

Take care!

[aerogurl87]

I know nothing can stop you now when your impulse to go is at high point.

 

I would advise you to spend time to work out the fact that you still have feeling for the first ex as you had mentioned many times how this linkage had hampered your relationship with the present bf. This was due to the latter's insecurtiy concerning your constant looking for the ex when things with bf was not good. At lovely times, these issues my be put under the blanket, but at bad times, these are haunted drivers for sense of insecurity as well as the popping up of relevant hurting words and acts!

 

Take care!

 

Ahh yes my first ex. Well, I'm happy you mentioned him as I was thinking of why I kept wanting to run back to him when deep down I knew that things with him and I would never work out. And that's when I realised that that was the reason I kept running back to him when things with my boyfriend would get hard or I'd freak out. With my boyfriend I see a potential future with him long term. With my ex I see nothing. And since I see no future with him I don't feel like I'd have to invest much into him long term and there is no fear of having to commit one day to him. I can have my cake (companionship) and eat it too (long term freedom and no commitment) with my ex. I can't have that with my boyfriend. And since I have a slight fear of commitment and trust issues (everyone I've ever cared about has deserted me or let me down in a big way) that was very desirable for me I think on a subconscious level.

 

I know my boyfriend won't let me down, I know he won't abandon me when I need him the most. And as much as that would help you'd think, it scared the living day lights out of me because it meant letting down my guard once and for all and letting someone in. I don't want to let anyone in, I don't like being vulnerable. But with my boyfriend it's always been inevitable and he makes my walls fall down one by one and so I run cause I'm still scared that one day he may do to me what everyone else has done. But deep down I know he probably won't, in fact I'd say I'm 99% sure he won't let me down in some major way. So I keep letting my guard down and in a way I don't like that.

 

With my ex I knew to expect he'd leave one day and I was fine with that because I'm used to it. Being treated good by someone I'm with is fairly new to me and I still have traces of that "I'm a horrible person who deserves to be treated like crap" mentality and so when he doesn't put me down and doesn't hurt me, it's kinda odd sometimes. He does what I don't expect, he treats me well and loves me. I know this probably makes no sense and I'm rambling on, lol. But just trying to make sense of my feelings and thought processes.