Is it normal to have doubts?

[aerogurl87]

I've just caught up with this thread, Aerogurl and, if everything you say about him is as you've described, then I fear for your safety if you move. This guy sounds like a control freak and you could end up regreting it for the rest of your life.

 

Cut ties with him, stay with your family and friends and get your head sorted before you even consider another relationship. Once you've cleared your head, you could look at the possibility of trying again with your ex - but not now. You are too confused to think straight about what's good for you so please, whatever you do, DO NOT MOVE TO CANADA!

 

Everyone I've told the complete story to has told me this, including everyone on this forum which I'm so happy I joined now. I actually talked to my ex tonight (ok maybe that wasn't the best choice for now, lol) and he told me that if I go to Canada he fears for my safety as my boyfriend is psycho. He told me to get my life straightened out here and establish myself independently where I'd have my friends and family to help me out.

 

You don't 'have' to do anything unless you agreed to pay him for the ticket, otherwise, I'd give him half if you felt like it and could afford it.

 

I only feel bad cause the ticket is non-refundable. And no I didn't agree to pay him for it, when everything was rosy and perfect he happily wanted to pay for it. But now he's like "oh no cause you'd crush me if we broke up you have to pay me back". And oh here comes more blackmail with his "you're such an honourable person. If things don't work out you'll pay me back." To which I replied "are you trying to blackmail me" only for him to try and play dumb.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Please take a breather from BOTH of these guys. I hope you will also do some serious introspection. You depicted the military guy as a very big jerk, and said he is an alcoholic. The Canada guy - you have been all over the map about your feelings for him, and now you are depicting him like a lunatic. Both of them sound like they would be TERRIBLE boyfriends in real life. Maybe that is why they got into LDR's.

 

My personal belief (take it or leave it - I'm honestly not trying to foist a judgement upon you) is that it is not possible to switch real "love" on and off, back and forth. So, just from reading your threads and posts, I have to wonder if you have really experienced "love" with either of these two guys, or if perhaps it has been infatuation or fantasy.

 

Any way, from my perspective it would be a good idea if you took a break from relationships and looked at why you would choose to be with guys who show such serious negative qualities to you. I know you are real young, and also very smart. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship.

[LittleTiger]

Aerogurl, please speak to your parents and get their support. If you feel it's necessary, reimburse this man half the money for the ticket, with an email or other documentary evidence that you have done so, and then cease all contact.

 

His attitude about you 'wasting his time' is, in my view, proof that he doesn't love you. If he did love you, he may be very disappointed and deeply saddened that you've changed your mind, but he would understand your concerns and would probably be asking you to take your time and think things over until you were sure of your decision.

 

This man, as you describe him, sounds controlling and dangerous. Even if you decide to give him some money to get him off your back and that means it takes you a little longer to set up on your own, that is far better than finding yourself miles from home, in an abusive relationship with a man you apparently don't know very well at all.

[hoping2heal]

I somewhat feel like I'm being blackmailed now. My boyfriend knows I want/need a new car as it will help me in getting out of my parents house. He also knows that if I don't move to be with him all of my tax money is going towards trying to get a car. So he tells me that if I move he wants me to pay to ship my stuff to him, but if I don't move I have to reimburse him for the airline ticket for wasting his time. Honestly I don't mind paying for half the ticket, but I don't feel like I should have to pay the whole thing. And he knows that if I pay for the whole thing it will throw me off track for awhile for getting out and moving forward in my life in general.

 

And he also knows that if I move my stuff there, by the time the first week is up I will have little money left from shipping and other stuff I'd have to get done. So I'll be broke and won't have any real way to leave for awhile. So I'm starting to feel like this is blackmail a bit.

 

This is just scary. He is treating you like an object of property, not a human being. Cancel and he might be able to get a refund for the ticket, he cant do anything to you for not paying for all of it. I mean you shouldnt even be considering anymore.

[aerogurl87]

Please take a breather from BOTH of these guys. I hope you will also do some serious introspection. You depicted the military guy as a very big jerk, and said he is an alcoholic. The Canada guy - you have been all over the map about your feelings for him, and now you are depicting him like a lunatic. Both of them sound like they would be TERRIBLE boyfriends in real life. Maybe that is why they got into LDR's.

 

My personal belief (take it or leave it - I'm honestly not trying to foist a judgement upon you) is that it is not possible to switch real "love" on and off, back and forth. So, just from reading your threads and posts, I have to wonder if you have really experienced "love" with either of these two guys, or if perhaps it has been infatuation or fantasy.

 

I don't think I've switched my love on and off with my ex, in fact all my closest friends would argue that it's just the opposite as they wish I could do as the band Brand New says and "turn off" my ex's "love like a cold machine". Anyway I am taking a break from all guys for awhile, though it will be hard since they seem to come out the woodwork when I try to be single.

 

I'd also like to add that yes, my current bf is acting a bit cuckoo for cocoa puffs as my guy friend stated. But he wasn't always like this, this craziness didn't become so apparent until he turned into a complete jerk in November and December and then started freaking out at the thought of losing me. Which sometimes makes me wonder if I'm to blame for his behaviour..... And as for my ex, well that whole relationship was a mess and I won't go into it much further. But neither of us should've been in a relationship at the time anyway.

 

Aerogurl, please speak to your parents and get their support. If you feel it's necessary, reimburse this man half the money for the ticket, with an email or other documentary evidence that you have done so, and then cease all contact.

 

His attitude about you 'wasting his time' is, in my view, proof that he doesn't love you. If he did love you, he may be very disappointed and deeply saddened that you've changed your mind, but he would understand your concerns and would probably be asking you to take your time and think things over until you were sure of your decision.

 

This man, as you describe him, sounds controlling and dangerous. Even if you decide to give him some money to get him off your back and that means it takes you a little longer to set up on your own, that is far better than finding yourself miles from home, in an abusive relationship with a man you apparently don't know very well at all.

 

Yes I told him that if he looked at it that way then I'd send him half the money up front right now. To which he responded that he wanted me to calm down, because he felt I am not emotionally stable at the moment. And of course I'm not having real doubts, this is just nervousness that got out of hand.

[aerogurl87]

This is just scary. He is treating you like an object of property, not a human being. Cancel and he might be able to get a refund for the ticket, he cant do anything to you for not paying for all of it. I mean you shouldnt even be considering anymore.

 

Honestly I don't want to pay him a dime. I'll see if I can possibly get him a refund, but I'm not sure if I can. I told him to change the ticket if he could and go take a vacation or something. He told me he can't do that and basically gave me the above mentioned ultimatum.

 

I wish I would've kept those old texts he sent me when I broke up with him. Like the one where he threatened to come to my house unannounced and knock on the door until I came outside. His reasoning being that we were meant to be together and he wasn't going to give up until we were.

[aerogurl87]

I forgot to mention this in my other post LittleTiger, but he did tell me to take some time and think about everything. But it wasn't to figure out what I wanted, it was to get my head clear so I could see the right choice (moving to be with him). Then when I mentioned some goals I had that I could obtain while living here, such as getting another job soon since some positions finally opened up around here. He had the audacity to laugh and tell me basically that my job search is futile and that I'm better off moving in with him and being dependent on him with his great job that he's been trying to get me to brag to my parents about.

[KandiceHanson]

Phew, just caught up on the thread as well. I'd give advice, but I think my opinions are pretty much what everyone has already stated.

 

I will tell you this, I'm experiencing the same (but different) type of situation. And honestly, I am shredding each and every insecurity, doubt, thought, fight, etc. down to the bone. Make sure you're not just thinking of these things because of 'the move'. I'm doing the same, I'm over-analyzing a lot.

 

But I have told myself over and over that I am going to take a flying leap and just go for it. I'm holding off all of my insecurities and waiting until we are finally togethor to see if it was 'what I have been waiting for'.

 

If it doesn't work out, it doesn't. If it does, then great! However, I don't know if this works in your situation, but I will be able to come back if everything doesn't work out. I have my parent's place, my job is VERY flexible and I can just re-enroll back into my university. But not everyone is as fortunate.

 

BUT, if you are as lucky - I say go for it. Unless these signs you're experiencing really are telling you something =/ I really couldn't tell unless I was there in person watching.

 

Just trust your gut, you know what to do. Every woman, hopefully, is blessed with pretty good intuition and I know you have a good head on your shoulders. If you know you're overanalyzing then just go for it and see how it turns out. But if you know these 'signs' are getting out of control...then you've already made your decision.

 

You already know what to do, take the action. No guy is worth screwing your own life up over, honestly. If you wouldn't take a bullet for him (excuse the ridiculous metaphor) then the bond may not be as strong as it needs to be.

 

Aye, but he's stationed in Texas and I'm in North Carolina.

Woot, woot! I live in GA We're so close!

[heartshaped]

Honestly I don't want to pay him a dime. I'll see if I can possibly get him a refund, but I'm not sure if I can. I told him to change the ticket if he could and go take a vacation or something. He told me he can't do that and basically gave me the above mentioned ultimatum.

 

If you don't want to, I wouldn't give him a penny. If I were to even give him half, it would be when I had the money to do so and it sounds like you have some other priorities that in my opinion come before giving him some money that you never promised to give him. It sounds like he's trying to hold this money/ticket thing over your head and honestly, as harsh as it sounds, it isn't your problem. He bought the ticket knowing that you might back out, that was a risk he took, that has nothing to do with you. It's like if someone buys you an engagement ring, you say yes, but then later change your mind...are you supposed to give them the money for the ring if they can't get their money back? It's ridiculous.

[LittleTiger]

If you don't want to, I wouldn't give him a penny. If I were to even give him half, it would be when I had the money to do so and it sounds like you have some other priorities that in my opinion come before giving him some money that you never promised to give him. It sounds like he's trying to hold this money/ticket thing over your head and honestly, as harsh as it sounds, it isn't your problem. He bought the ticket knowing that you might back out, that was a risk he took, that has nothing to do with you. It's like if someone buys you an engagement ring, you say yes, but then later change your mind...are you supposed to give them the money for the ring if they can't get their money back? It's ridiculous.

 

I don't think it's quite that clear cut and him buying the ticket, presumably in good faith that she would use it, does have something to do with her. They were a couple, about to move in together, when he bought it. Just because he's since shown his true colours, doesn't change that fact.

 

It isn't at all the same as an engagement ring because you can give the ring back to be resold.

 

However, that said, I agree there is no obligation to give him any money as presumably he intended it as a gift. If I were in Aerogurl's shoes I would feel partly responsible and in the interests of fairness I would probably give him something - and it would 'get him off her back'. It's really a small price to pay for freedom.

[hoping2heal]

I don't think I've switched my love on and off with my ex, in fact all my closest friends would argue that it's just the opposite as they wish I could do as the band Brand New says and "turn off" my ex's "love like a cold machine". Anyway I am taking a break from all guys for awhile, though it will be hard since they seem to come out the woodwork when I try to be single.

 

I'd also like to add that yes, my current bf is acting a bit cuckoo for cocoa puffs as my guy friend stated. But he wasn't always like this, this craziness didn't become so apparent until he turned into a complete jerk in November and December and then started freaking out at the thought of losing me. Which sometimes makes me wonder if I'm to blame for his behaviour..... And as for my ex, well that whole relationship was a mess and I won't go into it much further. But neither of us should've been in a relationship at the time anyway.

 

 

 

Yes I told him that if he looked at it that way then I'd send him half the money up front right now. To which he responded that he wanted me to calm down, because he felt I am not emotionally stable at the moment. And of course I'm not having real doubts, this is just nervousness that got out of hand.

 

I disagree that he wasnt always like this. A little lesson about people in case you have not yet caught on, when the oven gets hot that is when you see who people really are. Anyone can put on an act and be number 1 guy when everything is going their way, just as they want it. I dont think for a second that he was perfectly stable and on an even keel and then all of the sudden he just did a whole 18O because you might leave him.

 

He probably does not even realize this yet, but he is scared of losing what you represent, not you. Nothing you have described him doing is indicative of a person loving another person. He seems terrified of losing a girlfriend figure, not you. He loves the idea of a girlfriend figure, not the actual you..I can tell that because he treats you like a piece of furniture and you just dont objectify a person you love.

He just may not have enough experience or maturity to understand the difference right now.

 

Do not allow yourself to start taking responsibility for his dysfunctional behavior. That is what women in domestic abuse relationships do, who are too brainwashed and beaten down to know the difference. You dont want to be that girl, do you.

[HeavenOrHell]

Having read most of this, I think you'd be pretty crazy to move to be with him after all that you've said about him, I'd get out of this r/ship NOW.

[heartshaped]

I don't think it's quite that clear cut and him buying the ticket, presumably in good faith that she would use it, does have something to do with her. They were a couple, about to move in together, when he bought it. Just because he's since shown his true colours, doesn't change that fact.

 

It isn't at all the same as an engagement ring because you can give the ring back to be resold.

 

However, that said, I agree there is no obligation to give him any money as presumably he intended it as a gift. If I were in Aerogurl's shoes I would feel partly responsible and in the interests of fairness I would probably give him something - and it would 'get him off her back'. It's really a small price to pay for freedom.

 

LittleTiger, perhaps I used the wrong analogy. My point being that the ticket was a gift and you can't expect if a person changes their mind, every penny back you've spent on a person. It's nonsensical. Even if it was a large sum of money. If she had chosen to move to him, he would've still been out of the money, and he wouldn't be wanting it back.

 

Really though, it isn't about the money he spent on the ticket. When she offered to send him half up front he said that she needed to calm down and that she wasn't emotionally stable. It's about controlling her. This is all about manipulation and control. IMO, even if she does give him some money for the ticket he will still try to use whatever she didn't give him on it as a form of manipulation. Saying I spent x amount of dollars on you and you have to give me that money and blah blah blah.

 

Personally, I'd end things and cut contact. He can't be talked with reasonably, he's already shown that from the things he's said.

Edited February 21, 2011 by heartshaped
typo

[aerogurl87]

I feel bad and I would like to give him the money back, except he knows that if I do it'll put a big damper on my plan to move out soon. Which he is banking on it seems. And h2h you made a good point, the craziness was probably already there but it didn't come out 100% till it looked like he wasn't going to get his way. And I did try talking to him last night, I told him he was the one that needed to calm down as he was sounding crazy and scaring me. He did a little bit, and he texted me this morning to ask how I slept and stuff. Just trying to keep him from going over the deep end.

[hoping2heal]

I feel bad and I would like to give him the money back, except he knows that if I do it'll put a big damper on my plan to move out soon. Which he is banking on it seems. And h2h you made a good point, the craziness was probably already there but it didn't come out 100% till it looked like he wasn't going to get his way. And I did try talking to him last night, I told him he was the one that needed to calm down as he was sounding crazy and scaring me. He did a little bit, and he texted me this morning to ask how I slept and stuff. Just trying to keep him from going over the deep end.

 

Okay, well this is already going into emotional abuse territory. When one partner feels like they need to act or cater to another partner to keep them from harming themselves, others, or doing something rash that is a BAD sign.

 

I can understand you feel bad and want to re imburse him. I agree with all the others that a gift should not be expected to be paid back just because the giver suddenly is not happy with the how the RS went. If he spent 15OO on you for gifts during the course of your RS, would you suddenly decide you need to pay him back for that 15OO dollars, just because the RS did not end in a marriage?

 

You need to cut contact with him right now, not only is his head not in the right place, yours is not either. He is manipulating you and you are falling for it hook, line, and sinker. End contact and whatever he does, is HIS responsibility and NOT yours. If he does something rash or stupid, that is his own fault and choice and it is not your fault. You could call his parents and just give them a heads up about his well being right now. He could be serious or it could just be empty threats to manipulate you, in which I have noticed it is definately working.

 

Seriously, cut contact.

[aerogurl87]

Okay, well this is already going into emotional abuse territory. When one partner feels like they need to act or cater to another partner to keep them from harming themselves, others, or doing something rash that is a BAD sign.

 

I can understand you feel bad and want to re imburse him. I agree with all the others that a gift should not be expected to be paid back just because the giver suddenly is not happy with the how the RS went. If he spent 15OO on you for gifts during the course of your RS, would you suddenly decide you need to pay him back for that 15OO dollars, just because the RS did not end in a marriage?

 

You need to cut contact with him right now, not only is his head not in the right place, yours is not either. He is manipulating you and you are falling for it hook, line, and sinker. End contact and whatever he does, is HIS responsibility and NOT yours. If he does something rash or stupid, that is his own fault and choice and it is not your fault. You could call his parents and just give them a heads up about his well being right now. He could be serious or it could just be empty threats to manipulate you, in which I have noticed it is definately working.

 

Seriously, cut contact.

 

I guess I should've been a bit more clear in what I meant about him going over the deep end possibly. He never said if I leave him he will try to harm himself, but he does seem like he'd slip into a pretty big depression and maybe go a lil extra pyscho. He texted me today after work and apologized for all the "God talk" and said that he guesses when he gets really stressed he becomes "super religious". And now he's thinking of booking a session to teach me to ski and snowboard when I get there. I told him I'd been very clear in that I hadn't said I'd decided to move there and he said "yes but they're ideas in case you change your mind. I haven't booked anything yet hunnie." Maybe I blew this whole thing out of proportion and he's just a bit naive to relationships and handling oneself under alot of stress.

[heartshaped]

I guess I should've been a bit more clear in what I meant about him going over the deep end possibly. He never said if I leave him he will try to harm himself, but he does seem like he'd slip into a pretty big depression and maybe go a lil extra pyscho. He texted me today after work and apologized for all the "God talk" and said that he guesses when he gets really stressed he becomes "super religious". And now he's thinking of booking a session to teach me to ski and snowboard when I get there. I told him I'd been very clear in that I hadn't said I'd decided to move there and he said "yes but they're ideas in case you change your mind. I haven't booked anything yet hunnie." Maybe I blew this whole thing out of proportion and he's just a bit naive to relationships and handling oneself under alot of stress.

 

The part that is really bothering me AG is all the manipulation. It's like well if you move he will get you ski and snowboard sessions...why is he making all of these plans and then, bringing them up when you've made it clear you haven't decided?

[sweetjasmine]

Maybe I blew this whole thing out of proportion and he's just a bit naive to relationships and handling oneself under alot of stress.

 

NOT AT ALL. I really don't think so. Please DON'T move there.

 

Look at all of these things:

Now he's telling me we're married in God's eyes and if I leave him and sleep with someone else down the road, I'll be committing adultery.

 

He's back harassing my sister with text messages about how she needs to help stop me from changing my mind, and blowing up my phone every 5 seconds and telling me that God's will is that we be together. I'm about at my end's rope.

 

And my current boyfriend is now telling me that my doubting moving has given him nightmares.

 

And with my current boyfriend, well he's now talking about us having kids one day and telling me that if I move to be with him I will accomplish all my dreams, but if I stay here where I am now, there's no certainty on if I will.

 

So he tells me that if I move he wants me to pay to ship my stuff to him, but if I don't move I have to reimburse him for the airline ticket for wasting his time. Honestly I don't mind paying for half the ticket, but I don't feel like I should have to pay the whole thing. And he knows that if I pay for the whole thing it will throw me off track for awhile for getting out and moving forward in my life in general.

 

And he also knows that if I move my stuff there, by the time the first week is up I will have little money left from shipping and other stuff I'd have to get done. So I'll be broke and won't have any real way to leave for awhile. So I'm starting to feel like this is blackmail a bit.

 

He had the audacity to laugh and tell me basically that my job search is futile and that I'm better off moving in with him and being dependent on him with his great job that he's been trying to get me to brag to my parents about.

 

It's all guilt and manipulation. He's trying everything he can think of to push you into changing your mind: "you're going to be screwed if you don't come", "you're horrible and tainted if you leave me", "you'll hurt me if you don't come", "well, FINE, if you're not COMING, then all this has been a WASTE OF TIME". It's all meant to make you feel like complete garbage and to make you feel like it's your obligation to move, and then everything will be puppies, sunshine, and rainbows when you get there.

 

That last bits about you not having money once you get out there and you being better off dependent on him are very scary. Please pay close attention to what he's doing. This isn't an overreaction and him getting "too religious." He's being highly manipulative. Please don't get sucked in.

[jwhan42]

Aerogurl87, to be completely honest I thought you were my ex-girlfriend for awhile...I thought she was somehow on the forums.

 

I think we are on the opposite sides of the same situation. I am the ex-boyfriend and all of the issues you had brought up about your ex-boyfriend pertain to me and I was just wishing that my ex-girlfriend was having doubts about giving it another shot with me and was doubting her current LDR with the guy I told you about. You are her and I am the ex-boyfriend.

[jwhan42]

What I am saying is...

 

If you want to know how that ex-boyfriend of yours is feeling...I think I can give you an honest answer.

 

Vice versa, i think you would be able to answer a lot of the questions I have about what my ex-girlfriend is thinking.

[aerogurl87]

NOT AT ALL. I really don't think so. Please DON'T move there.

 

Look at all of these things

 

I did look over everything you quoted, and yeah you're right it is manipulation. He's backed off now, but I still feel like I'm being manipulated. This is the text he sent me:

 

"Well I've come to a conclusion... this has nothing to do with me. I've done everything I can. What you decide is up to you."

 

The problem most of it does have to do with him. Ok I'll admit about 20% had to do with weather, but most of it had to do with him as he was basically the only reason I was planning to move there. He is right though, it is up to me now, and I'm pretty settled on my decision at this point. Though it'll suck to explain to my parents who genuinely really liked him.

[aerogurl87]

What I am saying is...

 

If you want to know how that ex-boyfriend of yours is feeling...I think I can give you an honest answer.

 

Vice versa, i think you would be able to answer a lot of the questions I have about what my ex-girlfriend is thinking.

 

Jwhan I'd say you can pm me, but I don't think you have enough posts to do that yet. So just reply to me on your thread if you want to talk more.

 

On another note though, I pretty much know what's going on in my ex's head. He's waiting for me to break up with my boyfriend and come see him.

[heartshaped]

I did look over everything you quoted, and yeah you're right it is manipulation. He's backed off now, but I still feel like I'm being manipulated. This is the text he sent me:

 

"Well I've come to a conclusion... this has nothing to do with me. I've done everything I can. What you decide is up to you."

 

The problem most of it does have to do with him. Ok I'll admit about 20% had to do with weather, but most of it had to do with him as he was basically the only reason I was planning to move there. He is right though, it is up to me now, and I'm pretty settled on my decision at this point. Though it'll suck to explain to my parents who genuinely really liked him.

 

He's a manipulator. It's plain and simple. Whether he's doing it subconsciously or on purpose, I can't tell and really it doesn't matter. You don't want to be with that type of person.

 

As for your parents, I'd just tell them the truth. He wasn't the guy that you thought he was and he displayed some behavior that makes you more than hesitant to move to him. No matter how much they liked him, they want you somewhere where you are safe and cared for by someone who has nothing, but your best interest at heart.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Plus, you are in love with a different guy! Regardless of this boyfriend's behavior, that in itself is absolutely reason enough to NOT move to a different country to be with him! Is this even a question?

[aerogurl87]

Plus, you are in love with a different guy! Regardless of this boyfriend's behavior, that in itself is absolutely reason enough to NOT move to a different country to be with him! Is this even a question?

 

Yes I keep thinking about that. The sad thing is my boyfriend (I'm planning to break up with him tonight probably) doesn't even care about that. He thinks that the farther away from my ex, the less of an issue it will become. Only problem with that being I've been away from my ex almost 2 years with little contact during that period of time and still have feelings for him when he's as far away as he was the first time we met. I guess I need to start unpacking my things, inform my parents, and retract my 2 week notice at work if that's even possible.