Is This Emotional Blackmail?

[AVR1962]

My 25 year old daughter have always been close, infact the other kids alway said I favored her. I just felt we got along. We spent alot of time together, alot of conversations. We'd had trouble with oldest daughter (30) whose anger towards me seemingly continued for many years, and 25 year old daughter would engage in conversation letting me know what her sister was saying.

 

I noticed 25 year old had been hinting at things she felt I needed to do....try a no diary diet, try not eating wheat, drink less, forgive this person, ect. She woudl engage in conversation that was beating around the bush but the final outcome felt like she was trapping me. She'd say things that she claimed she read and then tell that meant I was dealing with this or that.

 

I could tell she was getting mad at me for not taking her advise. So one day I told her I could see that some of the things we had talked about her upset her but I made it clear, very nicely, that I let go of some peopel in my life for a reason. I told her that I was having no issues with my current diet and I told her that I was not dependent on alcohol and I saw nothing with a few glasses of wine a week.

 

I then get this long, textbook type, email from my 25 year old daughter telling me how I did not love her unconditionally, that I did not nuture her as a child, went on and on how my family was dysfunctional and I knew no other than to be the same, told me that if I had wanted to spend more time with her and her sister when I was a single mom I could have gone on assistance (which she is doing- living off aide), and told me that she was concerned about my drinking and did not want to see become an alcoholic.

 

I was floored to say the very least. I contacted her father. We have been divorced for 23 years and don't speak but he lives near her and I wanted to know what was going on. He said he thought she was getting bad counseling and these thoughts were probably coming from the counselor.

 

Right now I just feel like I was manipulated and seems to me daughter is trying to control me. Her hints were kind demands of what she felt was best for me and when I did not take her advise it made her mad.

 

Anyone have any advise?

[susanfollows]

I'm not sure what advice we all can give, I mean seriously we're not you and don't know your daughter. But her e-mail is certainly a lame attempt at communication I'll give you that. Just tell her you're an adult and make your own choices good or bad, just like her. Leave it at that. I'm willing to bet she doesn't have a boyfriend in her life am I right? When she gets one she'll calm down and start focusing more on herself instead of you guys.

[AVR1962]

Actually she is married and has a little boy of her own. I'm just feeling a bit manipulated, wondering what was real from her and what was tests for my response. It seems odd how she turned completely the other direction, or maybe she has just been putting up with me all his time and trying to get along and she finally couldn't take it anymore. I guess anybody's guess is as good as mine. I guess I need not to tink about how this come about and just accept that it did and move on.

[Tayla]

Odd isn't it that even when the children grow to adults they still have some childhood concerns that deserve being acknowledged and addressed. Step back for one moment, and walk in that persons shoes. I doubt it was easy being raised by one parent.....

 

As a single parent I can say it took much to hear my grown sons "express" some things, yet they needed to be said and they deserved to be acknowledged and learned from.

 

As the Adult and the parent your duties change and this is one of them. I think you care much for your grown children. I also sense that with your honesty about your eldest child you also need to come to terms, that the relationship took two to tarnish.

 

Just curious if you see the daughter giving constructive criticism or addressing things and having a voice as yet another independent move on her part?

 

Bottom line, Listen and in turn share your view point in a regarding way.

Learn and be, thru example.

[AVR1962]

Tayla, I am sure you are right and I hope I did handle it well with my reply to her email. I know it's hard, been thru it myself actually. I was just completely taken off guard. I just started counseling and spoke with hr about it as well. She felt that daughter was not yet able to see me as a person, only as a mother who should be their for her needs. I remember thiking that of my own for many years as n adult myself so that makes sense. The counselor also felt that daughter was probably readin books, or was in counseling herself and that's why all this is surfacing now and that if she is going thru a hard time personally that she may be looking at every knot in the tree and analyzing everything. She told me that I needed to take a big step back and let her find herself so that's what I am going to do and I am going to try not to focus on the things that were said in the email.

[Tayla]

True on the kids not seeing us as fallable adults, for years they have heard "because I am the parent and I said so" type mentality. Its hard to adjust the perspective that yes we made our share of mistakes and so too did they....

 

Hard as it may be , the blessing is your daughter is expressing and talking, its when they shut down and don't come around that the sadness can be worse......Sometimes both sides need to take a breather, just leave your heart open and things will improve. I really hope things come to a peaceful resolution,,,,,

[Lucky_One]

I am saying this really, really gently as the XW of an alcoholic.....but are your daughter's concerns about your drinking valid?

 

Talking to my XH about his drinking was sheer and utter hell, because he could not admit that he was an alcoholic. He accused me of being manipulative, when I would try to start conversations about this. We ended up having to have an intervention with a trained counselor before he could admit that he had problems with his alcohol.

 

I do believe this - that when someone in your family mentions that your drinking is an issue, then there usually is some type of fire for the smoke to be coming from.

[Quiet Storm]

It probably was a hard email for her to write, and she probably put a lot of thought into it.

 

I would try not to get defensive about the email, because everyone has a different perspective.

 

I would acknowledge your mistakes, and try to be supportive of her as she works through these issues.

 

Even though you may not agree, these are her feelings, and she has every right to express those feelings to you.

 

My own mom was often emotionally distant from me. She did all the basic stuff, provided a home, meals, etc. But she never really cared to know the real me and she didn't give me much affection. She often seem preoccupied with her own issues.

 

In talking this over with her as an adult, she said that my dad struggled with alcohol and cocaine addiction and now she can see that she was codependent. At that time in our lives, she was so concerned with him and what he was doing that we got put on the backburner. She was so burned out emotionally that she had nothing left to give us.

 

She apologized to me, said she wished she could make it right, but knows she can never get those years back.

 

Hearing it from her point of view helped me, because I realize now that her behavior was not intentional. In my "little girl" mind, I thought she didn't hug me or care because she didn't love me. In reality, she had poor coping skills, was a young mother and was trying to deal with an addict husband who was using the household money for drugs. She was naive and didn't have the resources to get help.

 

She loved us very much, but she coped with her problems in ways that affected us in negative ways.

 

When she acknowledged my pain, apologized and gave me a big hug- I felt very loved by her, and we have moved on to a much better relationship.

[Trimmer]

Yeah I have some ADVICE, how the hell is this emotional blackmail? She is telling you how she feels, and you are TRIVIALIZING it, meaning you are being a very clueless and oblivious mother to the needs of their child. Pretty sure if your daughter still has pent up anger and emotion at the age of 25, then yeah you probably were a bad mother. What can you do now? Nothing, the pooch has already been screwed. All you can do is get help for yourself so you don't act like a moron when handling your adult children.

Wow, man... Speaking of pent up anger and emotion... That didn't happen to raise any issues for you there, did it? Whew...

 

 

I then get this long, textbook type, email from my 25 year old daughter telling me how I did not love her unconditionally, that I did not nuture her as a child, went on and on how my family was dysfunctional and I knew no other than to be the same, told me that if I had wanted to spend more time with her and her sister when I was a single mom I could have gone on assistance (which she is doing- living off aide), and told me that she was concerned about my drinking and did not want to see become an alcoholic.

 

It sounds like she's struggling to balance 3 different characters within her -

The adult - having a normal adult relationship with you, talking, conversations, etc.

 

The parent - as she gets older, taking on a "parental" role, believing that she can give you some useful guidance about diet, alcohol, etc...

 

The child - ...and yet, as she struggles to find that balance, she still needs reassurance about her status as your child - the complaint about "undonditional love" is telling in that regard.

 

I'm no counselor, but some of this seems like some kinda-normal developmental stuff (if a little later than most...) The rubber-band model - where they have a need to prove their independence (stretching out, "pushing off", ordering you around, questioning your love), while still being reassured that you will always be there (the rubber band pulling back, needing to know you love them unconditionally, and always will.) Put that way, it sounds a bit like a typical adolescent, doesn't it?

 

So I wouldn't look at it strictly as an isolated case of "emotional blackmail" as if it were coming from a spouse or other partner, but it may well be part of a pretty "typical" developmental dynamic. (in which, admittedly, maniuplation and blackmail do play their parts... )

 

As for what to do: I can't be sure of the parent/child dynamic that you have established historically, but as part of a journey toward independence, it's not unusual for a child to question a parent's love ("You don't love me...", "if you loved me you would xxxxx...", or even "I hate you!") and during those times, I believe it's important for a parent to speak - and important for the child to hear you reinforce - reality: I hear you, but I still love you, and I always will.

 

As far as the adult/adult dynamic, or even the dynamic between you and your child-playing-parent, when she tries to tell you what to do, I think it's worth acknowledging that she has these thoughts, and giving them some consideration. If you dismiss them out of hand (and I'm not saying you are, but if you do...) then you are taking her as she is experimenting and developing her adult and parental characters, and smashing her back into the child character. If you -at least - acknowledge her concerns, and engage her in a mature discussion on these issues - you will support her independence, and the development of rational adult and parental characters within her.

 

In that process, it will help if you don't slip into your child-character - responding defensively or immaturely, for example - and it will also help if you can stay out of you "parent" character, who is likely to bristle and dismiss any concerns from her (your literal child) as irrelevant - "what right do you have....?" If you can listen and hear her concerns as a rational adult, and acknowledge her as such, that may help relieve her. Try exploring, rationally, why she is concerned, and respond thoughtfully.

 

Then when it's all over, be sure to eventually go back to your parent character, and remember to assure her that your love is still there, and always will be.

 

I know this all sounds a little convoluted, but I really think we have these different characters within us, and that we slip into them in our interpersonal dynamics, and that knowing how the different characters interact, being aware of what character we are playing, and what character is approaching us in the other person, can be really valuable in figuring out these sometimes confusing interactions.

Edited February 24, 2011 by Trimmer