Porn is ruing our relationship

[Smurfette]

Hello you guys,

 

I would just like to say that I am new to this site and I look forward to getting

 

some quality advice from you guys. Well my situation is a little different because I

 

am not married but engaged. Me and my finace have been together for about 3

 

years and I love him more that words can say. When we first moved in together

 

everything was great. A little later on we got the internet and that is when the

 

problem started. One day I logged on the computer and saw various porn sites

 

that he had visited. I was intially very upset but I decided to be calm about it. I

 

called him at his job and told him that I didn't want to see naked women on our

 

computer. I told him to be discreet about it because I don't like it. He claimed he

 

understood. Well obviously he did not because the same thing contined to

 

happen. Finally I got feed up and told him that I wanted him to stop looking at it. I

 

told him that it made me feel unattrative and that it made me feel that he wanted

 

to cheat. I am a firm believer that one things leds to another and if he is constantly

 

looking at porn eventualy he will need more to satisfy is appetite. I feel that he

 

might as well be cheating on my if he constantly needs to lust for other women. I

 

understand that some couples enjoy porn together and I am not knocking that - if

 

it is something that a couple can share together that is a different thing. We don't

 

share this together. I am a very open person and I would be willign to do just

 

about anything to please him because I love him that much. But I can't do this if he

 

doesn't let me now how he feels and what he wants. I am not asking him not to

 

look at other women. If he sees a beautiful woman it is natural for him to look but

 

to go and purposely search for these women is another thing. It makes me feel

 

that I am not enough for him which is definitely not the case-I am a good person

 

with a good education and career- I have a good background and shouldn't be

 

made to feel inferior because he is not more sensitive to my feelings and needs. I

 

have never felt insecure in my life until now and it is a direct result of his actions.

 

The only place I feel insecure is my home.The thing that really drives me crazy is

 

that he says that he understands and it is not a big deal and he can stop- well

 

why the hell doesn;t he? I have threatened him with the thought of leaving, cried

 

my eyes out, and have even tried to make him understand what this does to me.

 

The thing about it is that it wasn't a big deal until he made it one- by showing his

 

incapability to control his actions. I even told him at one point that he had to go to

 

counseling but like an idiot I allowed him to change my mind. The truth about the

 

matter is I am just plain fed up. A couple of days ago was on the internet and the

 

computer started going haywire. I went back into the history because I suspected

 

that some recently visted porn sites was the issue. I looked at the history which

 

had been erased but I know how to go back and find it- little do you know -

 

another site. It wasn't hardcore porn but it was still a site that he knows that I

 

wouldn't approve of and that is why he erased it form the history. It was one of

 

those sites where single women put their half naked pictures up. I just want to

 

know what he is searching for when he is the one who proposed to me. I need

 

some answers but he gives me nothing but broken promises. What do I do now? If

 

he is in love with me and plans to spend his life with me- I should be fulfilling his

 

needs ( if he would allow) - Not some female that he can't touch- not some female

 

who cares nothing for him- not some female who doesn't help him and support him

 

on a day to day basis- not some female that every one and there mother can see

 

at any point and time- not some one who could care less if he lives or dies and

 

definitely not someone who doesn't look as good as me!

[dyermaker]

I am a firm believer that one things leds to another and if he is constantly looking at porn eventualy he will need more to satisfy is appetite.

 

You're a firm believer--which doesn't make for open communication.

 

My advice to you, is to drop it. To change the way you look at porn. Read some of the other threads, specifically threads by GUYS on how they view porn, it's not the same as you think it is. However, if you're unable to change the way you look at it, you can't marry this guy.

 

Porn isn't ruining your relationship. Your relationship is being ruined by misunderstanding--you don't understand what porn is to him (a personal sexual choice that has nothing to do with you), and he doesn't understand what it is to you (a catalyst of insecurity and inadequacy issues). Until you can, sans tears and lies, communicate and resolve this issue, I don't know how you can have a succesful marriage.

 

One think I'd like to BEG you to drop from your vocabulary is, "If he loves me, he would stop"--because it's counterproductive. Don't use love as a weapon. Spiteful love sucks compared to healthy communication. Remember what you say about his habits, he could say about your objections to them, so try to be open-minded.

[ladyangel]

Dyer - This is not meant to be confrontational at all or to challenge your opinions. But I'm curious about something. Does your girlfriend look at pictures of naked men? Porn in general? If so, how do you feel about it?

 

How would you feel about your girlfriend going to sites that have "real" guys who post their personal nude pictures because they're looking to hook up with women?

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by ladyangel

Dyer - This is not meant to be confrontational at all or to challenge your opinions. But I'm curious about something.

*nods disbelievingly*

Does your girlfriend look at pictures of naked men? Porn in general? If so, how do you feel about it?

I haven't asked her, it's none of my business. If she's into porn, healthily that is, that's fantastic, if not, again, personal choice. If she's never seen a picture of a naked man, I'd be surprised, for curiosity's sake. She hasn't seen me naked, as far as I know--whatever comparisons are brewing in your head are irrelevant, we don't have a sex life at all. I'm ecstatic to get pictures of her fully clothed, you know we're just kids, right? Anyways, I would never be threatened by a photograph, and if I was, I'd never blame the photograph for problems that I was afraid of addressing.

How would you feel about your girlfriend going to sites that have "real" guys who post their personal nude pictures because they're looking to hook up with women?

It depends on her intentions. If she's looking for a laugh or a thrill, that's fine. If she was looking to leave me for another guy, I'd either fix our relationship so that she didn't feel she had to search for a different partner, or leave if she no longer wanted an exclusive relationship.

 

LA, I'm not telling these women to shut up about their problems, but it's a lot more productive to encourage mutual open-minded addressing of the problems, rather than saying, "You go girl, porn is satan"

[ladyangel]

Originally posted by dyermaker

*nods disbelievingly*

You know me better than that!

 

LA, I'm not telling these women to shut up about their problems, but it's a lot more productive to encourage mutual open-minded addressing of the problems, rather than saying, "You go girl, porn is satan"

Believe it or not, I totally agree. Trust me, I wasn't insinuating anything...just wanted to hear a male point of view if the situation were reversed. We don't seem to hear much about that on here.

[Smurfette]

DYER- I think what you are saying is absolutely ridiculous- maybe addiction to porn is healthy in an unhealthly relationship...but porn addiction is not a small problem...it is a disease. As I stated in my post : if porn is something that two people share that is one thing but if it is causing poblems in a relationship it is another. A relationship is made of compromise- and you can't compromise with an individual who lies about what they do- because it leaves no room for conversation. Believe me , if he would be man enough to tell me that he didn't see it as a problem and he wouldn't stop, I would leave him...because it is that important to me. And I am certainly not insecure- insecurity has no bearing on this. It is about STANDARDS. No knocking you or anything- but I would like replies for someone who understand what porn ADDICTION really is.

Thanks

[ladyangel]

Originally posted by Smurfette

DYER- I think what you are saying is absolutely ridiculous- maybe addiction to porn is healthy in an unhealthly relationship...but porn addiction is not a small problem...it is a disease. As I stated in my post : if porn is something that two people share that is one thing but if it is causing poblems in a relationship it is another. A relationship is made of compromise- and you can't compromise with an individual who lies about what they do- because it leaves no room for conversation. Believe me , if he would be man enough to tell me that he didn't see it as a problem and he wouldn't stop, I would leave him...because it is that important to me. And I am certainly not insecure- insecurity has no bearing on this. It is about STANDARDS. No knocking you or anything- but I would like replies for someone who understand what porn ADDICTION really is.

Thanks

Excuse me for interrupting, but you didn't say anything about ADDICTION in your first post. Of course there's a difference between someone viewing porn and someone having an addiction. What makes you think he's addicted? If he is then he does need to seek counseling.

 

Secondly, you DID say in your first post that you feel insecure about his viewing of porn. Then in your latest post you say that insecurity has no bearing on this. Which is it?

 

I'm not taking any sides here between you and your fiance because there ARE two sides to every story. But just as a general question, no, I don't think someone viewing porn or naked pictures is a horrible thing. But if it is important to you, then you and your boyfriend need to come to a compromise that you can both live with or not get married....period.

[zarathustra]

I'm not taking any sides here between you and your fiance because there ARE two sides to every story. But just as a general question, no, I don't think someone viewing porn or naked pictures is a horrible thing. But if it is important to you, then you and your boyfriend need to come to a compromise that you can both live with or not get married....period.

 

 

That gets right to the heart of the matter. Great post!

[faux]

Porn is not causing the problems in your relationship. Your fiance has every right to view pornography. I believe there are deeper problems which you are avoiding here. The more you focus on porn, the worse you are going to make the situation. Look deeper, and good luck.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by Smurfette

DYER- I think what you are saying is absolutely ridiculous- maybe addiction to porn is healthy in an unhealthly relationship...but porn addiction is not a small problem...it is a disease.

As previously stated, I make no dismissal of unhealthy pornographic addiction, nor did I see any evidence of an addiction in your post. Looking at porn does not imply an addiction, and neither does a desire to continue--there's no reason he should stop, save for you don't like it.

No knocking you or anything- but I would like replies for someone who understand what porn ADDICTION really is.

No, you're looking for us to validate you. My advice is valid if you care about resolving issues, instead of winning arguments. You state that you're insecure about it, and then when you don't like the sound of that, you change it to a moral standard crusade. Unless you are able to open communication about this, your relationship will fail.

[Smurfette]

Originally posted by dyermaker

As previously stated, I make no dismissal of unhealthy pornographic addiction, nor did I see any evidence of an addiction in your post. Looking at porn does not imply an addiction, and neither does a desire to continue--there's no reason he should stop, save for you don't like it.

 

No, you're looking for us to validate you. My advice is valid if you care about resolving issues, instead of winning arguments. You state that you're insecure about it, and then when you don't like the sound of that, you change it to a moral standard crusade. Unless you are able to open communication about this, your relationship will fail.

 

YOU ARE TOTALLY RIDICULOUS. Maybe my post was not clear. Me and fiance have been through this issue about 9 ot ten times. He has also almost been thrown out of the house about it. I an not saying that porn is bad. I am saying that is not acceptable to ME and what is not acceptable to ME is someone who lies. If porn is such a normal and natural thing- he should relay that to me. He DOES NOT! He says that he UNDERSTANDS and that it is ADDICTIVE and that he will STOP. The argument is not about whether porn is healthy for the relatonship. I didn't ask whether it was. Every realtionship is different. Maybe in YOUR realtionship porn is wonderful and may even liven your realtionship. BUT NOT IN MINE. In my realtionship it is a problem- not because it is porn- but because it is done by a person who should be upfront and honest about what he does. What is so hard about saying I don't want to stop? And don't dare try and say that he isn't upfront and honest about it because I don't agree with it because that is exactly why he should be upfront and honest - maybe then he can make me understand and it may not be such a big deal. Also I definitely don't need anyone to validate me. I validate myself everyday because I have a wonderful life. What I asked for was for you to give me advice on MY situation as far as what to do now...should I stay or should I go- should I continue to talk to him or should I leave? I didn't ask whether you thought porn was healthy and good in a realtionship because I am inteligent enough to know that is is different based on different relationships and it is obvious that it is not in my mine.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by Smurfette

What I asked for was for you to give me advice on MY situation as far as what to do now...should I stay or should I go- should I continue to talk to him or should I leave?

You are not willing to rationally communicate (with him), with an open mind as to how he views porn. He's not willing to rationally communicate (with you), with an open mind as to how he views porn. It's not that he's guilty, it's that you can't communicate about you--and that's BOTH of your faults. It's his fault because he knows how close-minded you are, and would rather blow you off, and it's your fault for not making an effort to fix something, instead you're trying to *WIN*.

 

With the way you are behaving, he's not going to stop. Shame on him, sure, but if this is the path you've chosen, say goodbye.

[average guy]

You said that if he keeps lookng at pron he might need you more to saitfsy his appetite. I find it the poossite, the couple of girlfirneds that I have had who could keep up with my libido (5-7 times a day) when I was younger, made me so "fullfilled" that I never looked at pron (and honselty, not even another woman, even if she was drop dead goergeues!). It was only in the more sexually sedtae (once or twice a day, or worse, a week!) that I found myself needing the etxra stimulation of porno.

 

I hope this helps

 

Cheers,

 

A.G.

[einahpets]

sweetie please read my post. i just wrote a similar one just minutes ago. we don't deserve this do we? it makes me want to cry just knowing your out there going through the exact same thing i am. i wish i could give you some words of advise, but i'm in the same situation. keep your head up, know that you are beautiful. let me know what you do...maybe it could help me out with my problem. good luck!

[dixiepix]

You have every right to feel the way you do. And there are many women out there who feel the same insecurities because of porn. It is natural. I do not feel insecure around any other men and could care less what they look at. And quite frankly, most men are attracted to me. I work out and take care of myself. Most people can't believe I'm old enough to have a twelve year old. I'm 36 and married. I have nice looking men trying to pick me up in the ranges from 19year olds to 60 year olds. Why should I feel insecure? But the one man I care about most makes me insecure because of the issues surrounding porn. I have been with my husband for 9 years. I did not even know about the porn until about 4 years ago. If I had known before, I would not have married him. Life is too short to have you dignity stripped from you. That pit in your stomach you have and the insecurity you feel will never go away as long as this is going on. It will slowly eat at the fun-loving part of your personality until you get away from it. It is NOT worth it to stay in this relationship, if you are not comfortable with the porn issue. It is not worth the heartache and the pain that will be with you from now on. Everytime you look into his eyes or are intimate, you'll wonder? And it does't always help your sex life...mine is proof. Going on 2 months again. These days, I get great orgasms from my vibrator. Who knows, I probably won't be able to have one with him if he waits too much longer. But I'm slowly just becoming more numb to sexual intimacy by the day.

[moimeme]

UNDERSTANDS and that it is ADDICTIVE

 

And, apparently, you do not. The very nature of any addiction makes it extremely difficult to stop. Tell me this; if your husband was a food addict, promised to go on a diet, and did not, would you be this furious? What about if he was a smoker and was having a hell of a time quitting? Would you call him a 'liar' for not going on a diet the first time and sticking to it? What about if he tried to quit smoking and failed?

 

People often need help to quit any addiction. Browbeating them is not helpful in the least. Finding competent help for them is. Why don't you try that? Meanwhile, understand that it is NOT about wanting the women in the porn.

[LoveDeluxe]

Originally posted by dixiepix

You have every right to feel the way you do. And there are many women out there who feel the same insecurities because of porn. It is natural. I do not feel insecure around any other men and could care less what they look at. And quite frankly, most men are attracted to me. I work out and take care of myself. Most people can't believe I'm old enough to have a twelve year old. I'm 36 and married. I have nice looking men trying to pick me up in the ranges from 19year olds to 60 year olds. Why should I feel insecure? But the one man I care about most makes me insecure because of the issues surrounding porn. I have been with my husband for 9 years. I did not even know about the porn until about 4 years ago. If I had known before, I would not have married him. Life is too short to have you dignity stripped from you. That pit in your stomach you have and the insecurity you feel will never go away as long as this is going on. It will slowly eat at the fun-loving part of your personality until you get away from it. It is NOT worth it to stay in this relationship, if you are not comfortable with the porn issue. It is not worth the heartache and the pain that will be with you from now on. Everytime you look into his eyes or are intimate, you'll wonder? And it does't always help your sex life...mine is proof. Going on 2 months again. These days, I get great orgasms from my vibrator. Who knows, I probably won't be able to have one with him if he waits too much longer. But I'm slowly just becoming more numb to sexual intimacy by the day.

 

 

It is not accurate to say it is natural to feel insecure abour porn. It is not NATURAL for something on a computer screen or magazine to make you feel insecure! You are not speaking for all of female kind. Trust me! My boyfriend looks at porn. I have no problems with it, I accept it, because I know it is no reflection on myself. If the porn is getting in the way of your sex life, then that's an issue. You have to then tell your husbands/boyfriends that you want to have sex and porn is interferring with an active sex life. Another food for thought: Maybe all your significant others are hiding their porn consumption away from you because they are afraid and they know you would flip, like most of you are doing here on this board!

[advice]

First off I would recommend that you ABSOLUTELY NOT MARRY HIM UNTIL THIS PROBLEM IS RESOLVED!! If you do, you will probably end up in a divorce. Starting off a marriage on a sandy foundation is doom from the start. Secondly, I think you are absolutely right. It shouldn't be in your home and he should respect that. If he needs counseling, then he should go get it. I know that engaging in pornographic material can be a very difficult to resist and overcome. I know this may sound childish, but maybe the computer should be put out in a room where there is a lot of foot traffic and maybe there should be a password that he has to get from you in order to use the internet. Overtime, this may help with the problem. I really believe that if you don't deal with this issue it will only get worse and the eventual cost with be your relationship. Stick to your guns, but be loving and help him understand where you are coming from. But ultimately, require 100% pornographic abstinence. Good luck!!

 

P.S.

Although this can be difficult, do not comprimise your own personal sexual boundaries just to satisfy him. He should respect you in all ways in order to deserve your life commitment to him.

[nscrgrl25]

hey smurfette, how do you check the history if he deleted it? please share, im sure you can sympatize with the situation that im in.

 

thanks so much!

[nscrgrl25]

i am going through the exact same thing. I only find out about the porn when my boyfriend gets sloppy and forgets to delete the history. Can you tell me how you check the history when he has delelted it? Its the secret weapon i have been looking for. please email me at [email protected] with the answer.

 

Thank you so much!

[The_Analyzer]

Hi porn is a growing issue in the world today. People have different views as to what is right and what is wrong. Its a touchy subject for alot of people. Having said that and since others have their opinons, here is mine. I think if someone is single and wants to look at it all the time then have at it. Even some couples view it as a spicing up tool in their relationship and thats fine as well. However, I feel that if someone is married or in a committed realtionship and one party doesn't like what the other one is doing, and if the other person that knows this continues to do it, its a disrespect to the person as a individual and to the realtionship as a whole.

 

I think both parties need to weigh their options and see what is most important to them. The person doing alot of the viewing should either take their partners feelings into consideration and stop for the sake of the realtionship. Either that or cut the person loose so they can have at it with the porn. The person that doesn't like what the other one is doing should either get out of the situation if they feel its not a fixable situation, or they should remain in the realtionship and deal with it the best they can and live with whatever choice they make. This is just the way I feel about it. Good luck.

 

 

_____________________________

 

"Don't argue with me, you wont win."

[mymojo]

print up some of the pictures from his websites, tape one of them over your face the next time you go to bed, his erection will be the stuff of dreams trust me.

 

Btw, you want the brutal truth ? men look at porn because they aren't getting enough visual stimulation from their wives/girlfriends to get an erection and to orgasm. You doubt this? take a good,long hard look at the women he's got bookmarked, I'm betting every single one of em look 200 % better than you do. Stop asking him if you're attractive enough honey because you're not,her's just settled for you till he can get his hands on a BBD. Wives/girlfriends are simply a human kleenex to masterbate on while he dreams of younger,curvier more nubile women.When he decides to slip you the sausage you have basically 2 choices,you can decline and send him back to his computer or accept his offer of mercy sex and accept the fact that he's thinking of/wishing his was with other women thruout the entire act.

 

 

here are some home court truths about men for you

 

1. yes, your ass is too big so stop asking me if it is

 

2.yes, you need to lose weight

 

3.no, your breasts are not big enough

 

4.yes,the women in porn are hotter and far more exciting than you will ever be,why else do you think I look at them?

 

5.a man is only as faithful as his options. either be grateful when I lower my standards enough to sexor you or I'll start exercising those options.

[bluetuesday]

Originally posted by mymojo

Wives/girlfriends are simply a human kleenex to masterbate on while he dreams of younger,curvier more nubile women.When he decides to slip you the sausage you have basically 2 choices,you can decline and send him back to his computer or accept his offer of mercy sex and accept the fact that he's thinking of/wishing his was with other women thruout the entire act.

 

think you've posted in the wrong thread mojo.

 

try this.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t19990/

[mymojo]

Originally posted by bluetuesday

think you've posted in the wrong thread mojo.

 

try this.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t19990/

 

no need to remind me, after months and months of dealing with a partner who cannot orgasm with me, the above are the blunt but truthful answers he gave me.He told me he loved me but that in order to raise myself to his minumum level of attractiveness required to orgasm wiith me would take more money and more time than any normal person has.

 

I can either content myself with pleasuring him orally and masterbating alone or I can leave..plain,simple.He took me to page after page of busty,curvy beauties, and sadly said "why would I find you physically arousing after looking at them?"

 

It hurt like hell but in all honesty I couldn't disagree with him, the women of porn and erotica are beautiful, I am not.

[bluetuesday]

YOU'RE A WOMAN????

 

jeez, that's heartbreaking.

 

sweetheart, have more respect for yourself. you deserve a lot better.

 

i don't care what he says you look like, he is a manipulative cunt.

 

leave him immediately.