Husband's comment turning in to a fight

[allina]

I got in an argument with my husband last night due to something he said. We quickly made up but I still feel like he doesn't get why I got so angry. I think that he thinks that I was just drunk and being sensitive. I did have a couple drinks but that had nothing to do with it. Also, he knows that drinking does not make me emotional or irrational.

 

Anyways, I had just gotten home from dinner and drinks with a couple girlfriends. We were both in a good mood and loving toward each other, everything was good. We turned on the TV and were watching something, I don't remember what. Something came on about a woman gaining something like 100lbs. in a very short period of time, I think it was a preview of some show. My H made a comment about it like "wow how is that possible" or something like that. He wasn't being rude or insulting, he just commented.

 

I said "these things can happen." Then I ended up saying "you never know, especially with pregnancy, what if I end up gaining 100lbs when I'm pregnant." He basically laughed it off and said that that was impossible. I was serious in expressing my concern and he just kept acting like I was saying something crazy/impossible. He basically laughed it off and said "OMG you're not going to gain a ton of weight." He wants kids, and I do too one day but I am scared of the damage and change to a woman's body that can occur with pregnancy.

 

I know that he would still love me if I got fat but I didn't like that he treated my fear like a joke. He could have told me that he doesn't think I'll gain that much weight because I take care of myself but that if I did it will be ok and he'll help me lose it. Anything supportive or reassuring would have been great and I basically got a

 

Am I not rational here? Shouldn't he have been a little more sensitive? I didn't scream at him or anything but I was really angry.

[whichwayisup]

Does he know and is he aware that you have this fear? If not, then you need to tell him. If yes, well, he's just being an ass.

 

Chances are, you're not going to gain all that weight. But if you do, just look at it this way, the weight IS for the baby. And, once breastfeeding starts, one loses weight quickly, throw in the walking and exercising, that weight will come off.

 

I completely understand your mindset, though something tells me your H didn't mean this malciously or to hurt your feelings. He just didn't think and he spoke what he felt at that time, instead of thinking first and then deciding whether or not it should come out of his mouth.

 

We all are guilty of the "foot in mouth" OOPS, I wish I hadn't said that. I know I've done it, plenty of times and regretted it immediately.

[allina]

Does he know and is he aware that you have this fear? If not, then you need to tell him. If yes, well, he's just being an ass.

 

Chances are, you're not going to gain all that weight. But if you do, just look at it this way, the weight IS for the baby. And, once breastfeeding starts, one loses weight quickly, throw in the walking and exercising, that weight will come off.

 

I completely understand your mindset, though something tells me your H didn't mean this malciously or to hurt your feelings. He just didn't think and he spoke what he felt at that time, instead of thinking first and then deciding whether or not it should come out of his mouth.

 

We all are guilty of the "foot in mouth" OOPS, I wish I hadn't said that. I know I've done it, plenty of times and regretted it immediately.

 

I'm sure he knows that I will worry about gaining too much weight but i don't think he'd say it's a fear I have. I was heavier when we met, around size 6. Throughout our relationship/marriage I got in to running and yoga and now I'm a size 2/4, he knows that fitness and my body are really really important to me.

 

I know that he didn't mean to be malicious. What angered me most was not the comment but the fact that he didn't take me seriously. I calmly explained to him and kept asking "what if" and he wouldn't take me seriously. I wanted to scream "f*cking listen please!!!!!"

[xpaperxcutx]

He will have to learn about his insensitivity when it comes to subjects such as weight- men are dense in this area.

[Tayla]

Maybe I am dense like the husband, but even as a lady I rarely indulge a person who has weight issues , they make more of it then what it is and its just not that dern important unless it hits the critical medical stage. Sorry I side with the hubby....he spoke his mind and did validate that its probably not going to happen to you.... Move on, life is too short to make mountains outta mole hills...

 

If your going into battle to be right or fight for your right, you will be put rightly in your place. Learn how to pick your battles.....

[johan]

Give me a break, Allina. You'll never get fat.

[xxoo]

I know that he didn't mean to be malicious. What angered me most was not the comment but the fact that he didn't take me seriously. I calmly explained to him and kept asking "what if" and he wouldn't take me seriously. I wanted to scream "f*cking listen please!!!!!"

 

Miscommunications are usually two-sided, with each person misunderstanding the other. It is possible he didn't understand that true fear was behind what he heard as an amusing, farfetched hypothetical question.

 

IME, when H and I are just NOT hearing each other, it can help to let the conversation go for a bit, and bring it up again later that day, or the next day, after some consideration and calming down. What is it you want him to hear? Can you present it outside of the "gaining 100#" scenario?

 

Go back, talk to him again, and just tell him about your fears. Tell him the anxieties you have about your body. Tell him you know they are irrational fears, but they are fears nonetheless. Tell him you need his reassurance that he will love and accept you no matter what happens to your body during pregnancy.

[Distant78]

The man didn't even insult you.

[Alma Mobley]

I guess he doesn't understand how common this fear is for women. I had it too and my husband was smart enough to say encouraging things, though he did also say, "I doubt that will happen" but at least added the "even if it did.." it wouldn't matter, he'd be supportive, blah blah.

 

I had a baby 10 months ago, and I feel like I look pretty good. I breastfeed and I weigh less than what I did when I got pregnant.

[coffeecat]

Yes, it is a common fear that women have. I remember after I had my first child I was crying so much because I couldn't get a skirt I used to wear on over my thighs. I had once been a size 0 and was then a size 5. When I look at it now, I was so ridiculous. 5 children later I am a size 8 ( trying to get to 6). While I am no skinny minnie, I am happy with myself. I don't think your husband was being insensitive, but if you are small as you say he just couldn't wrap his mind around the idea that you would actually gain 100 pounds. No offense, but I don't see how anyone could gain 100 pounds from pregnancy. Unless they have triplets or some massive water retention. You will fine. Slim women are so sexy when pregnant. You will have curves, and voluptuousness that you never had before. Just make sure you OWN that sexiness ! Don't let the baby weight get you down.

[Lauriebell82]

allina, I think your husband was a bit insensitive, but I also feel you may have overreacted a tad. I told my husband a long time ago NEVER to make any kind of weight comment because of my sensitivity to it, and he hasn't. I don't think he did it to hurt or, or didn't deliberately follow it up with something supportive just to be a jerk. He probably didn't think you'd be so sensitive about it. Truthfully, I'm surprised to hear you are sensitive also, you always seem confident when you speak about yourself.

 

I think your husband just doesn't want you to gain massive amounts of weight because he enjoys your body the way it is. If you are feeling insecure about it, ask him not to make comments regarding your weight during pregnancy, I'm sure he will be happy to be supportive of that.

[Ariadne]

Am I not rational here? Shouldn't he have been a little more sensitive? I didn't scream at him or anything but I was really angry.

 

You are afraid of the baby like you were afraid of the wedding.

 

Then everything turned out super!

 

But it can be a little scary the unknown.

[K.K.]

You know how guys are... they never know what to say when caught in a weight situation so they just think of the best thing they can come up with at the time. I think he did pretty good. My ex told me one time that if I lost weight, he'd leave me. Well... guess what... he did. and I been tearing up some biscuits and gravy.

[threebyfate]

Another way to look at it is that he's expressed confidence in you. He knows you won't let yourself go and while you will gain weight with pregnancy, you also have the ability and drive to lose the weight post-pregnancy.

[allina]

Thanks for the replies. I want to mention though that it wasn't really the weight issue that upset me. The reason I was mad was that he was disregarding my feelings and opinions and acting like I was unrealistic. It was more him totally not hearing me out and acting like I was being dumb/irrational. LB, I'm not insecure about my weight or my looks I was simply making a statement to my husband and he basically laughed it off. Everyone zoned in on weight when that was not the cause of my anger.

 

Sorry if this is full of typos I'm on

My phone waiting for a table and decided to check in on my post.

[johan]

I want to mention though that it wasn't really the weight issue that upset me. The reason I was mad was that he was disregarding my feelings and opinions and acting like I was unrealistic. It was more him totally not hearing me out and acting like I was being dumb/irrational.

 

Don't be ridiculous, Allina. He would never do that.

 

ha ha ha...

[FryFish]

OMG... No woman needs to gain 100 POUNDS "for the baby"... If any girl I was with decided to gain 100 lbs, yes at 100 lbs it is a decision, I would decide it was over. Alina, gaining 100 lbs doesnt "just happen"... You dont want to so you wont.

[OpenBook]

I think his dismissive laughing-off of your concern was a defense mechanism on his part to hide his own fear of you getting Large And In Charge... which is every guy's worst nightmare.

 

I could be way off with this, but I don't think this is about YOUR fears at all - I think it's about his.

[Lucky_One]

Think about it. You are now saying that everyone on LS zeroed in on the weight just like your H did, and glossed over why you were upset.

 

Amazing. It's because posters here (who really don't KNOW you like your H does) think exactly the same thing - that this isn't a real fear of yours, but is sort of irrational. You simply aren't going to gain 100 pounds, whether after a baby or not. You just aren't, so being so upset about this "fear" of yours sounds sort of....over the top.

[Lauriebell82]

I know that he would still love me if I got fat but I didn't like that he treated my fear like a joke. He could have told me that he doesn't think I'll gain that much weight because I take care of myself but that if I did it will be ok and he'll help me lose it. Anything supportive or reassuring would have been great and I basically got a

 

Am I not rational here? Shouldn't he have been a little more sensitive? I didn't scream at him or anything but I was really angry.

 

allina, why did you feel you needed your husband's reassurance or support? If you aren't insecure about your weight, AND your husband knows you aren't insecure about your weight, then he most likely didn't feel the need to "reassure you."

[johan]

Not being listened to or having your feelings dismissed is upsetting, regardless of the topic. Allina has a right to be upset. But also maybe a responsibility to learn how to communicate how she is feeling a bit better. Expecting him to pick up on the fact that she's upset is completely reasonable, and he did. But she could have picked up on the fact that he had no clue about the real reason she was upset. Probably if she had pointed him in that direction, the argument would have been averted.

 

If he's often dismissive of her feelings, regardless of what she communicates about them, then I would point that out as a fault line in the relationship.

[xxoo]

Thanks for the replies. I want to mention though that it wasn't really the weight issue that upset me. The reason I was mad was that he was disregarding my feelings and opinions and acting like I was unrealistic.

 

Your feelings about opinions were about weight, but they were framed in an example that struck him as completely unrealistic.

 

It's the difference between having an extreme fear of sharks and wanted that taken seriously while at the beach--as opposed to wanting your fear of sharks attacking you at home in bed seriously.

 

A little of this sounds like stubborness. He doesn't understand your example, so drop it and frame your concerns differently. "Forget the 100#. I'm certainly going to gain SOME weight while pg, and I need to know that you will be ok with that."

[Tayla]

Can someone please share the medical link of the statement "all women have this weight fear?" ( for stats sake, I dont have this fear and I am female )

 

Maybe then I can step back and get a better grip of this posters concern...not up on this fear and just like the hubby maybe a wee bit more info could help in understanding...

[xxoo]

Can someone please share the medical link of the statement "all women have this weight fear?" ( for stats sake, I dont have this fear and I am female )

 

Maybe then I can step back and get a better grip of this posters concern...not up on this fear and just like the hubby maybe a wee bit more info could help in understanding...

 

Who said "all" women? Some posters said it is a common fear for women, and I'd agree based on my own community of women. Common, but not universal.

 

I think his dismissive laughing-off of your concern was a defense mechanism on his part to hide his own fear of you getting Large And In Charge... which is every guy's worst nightmare.

 

I found that reference to "all" men, but I hope that was exaggeration. Don't know if OpenBook is a parent, though, and it might take being a parent to realize that Worst Nightmare material is more like dying and leaving your kids without a dad, or other such unspeakable tragedies.

[Seamless74]

I know that he would still love me if I got fat but I didn't like that he treated my fear like a joke. He could have told me that he doesn't think I'll gain that much weight because I take care of myself but that if I did it will be ok and he'll help me lose it. Anything supportive or reassuring would have been great and I basically got a

 

Am I not rational here? Shouldn't he have been a little more sensitive? I didn't scream at him or anything but I was really angry.

Let me inject some testosterone into this little estrogen fest.. Yeah i guess the first thing that comes to mind is

 

1.) thank god im not married

 

2.) that why alot of married couples watch tv in seperate rooms i guess..

 

To the average guy that was just a simple observation about something he just saw on TV I mean he very well could have been watching that show all by himself and got up to go get a beer and while walking to the fridge said how the hell could that happen with a chucke... Unfortunately for him this time he wasnt alone he had wifey who he thought by all outward appearances was in a lighthearted good mood i.e. (not being in an overly sensitive fraught state of mind.) and his lighthearted blurb made it to the "Sensitivity Times" front page..

 

if anything i guess you could say he was guilty of not giving you emotional reacharound u know? but id also say that was a major misallocation of mental resources to have a fight about something so trite and passing.. However in my book i guess wed have to give you a pass because thats what women do and its your nature.. But personally I think your probably a big enough woman to not need such support because you have enough experience and maturity to handle things like this...??