Married, but love a friend who is ill

[lisainthesticks]

OK, here goes. I haven't told anyone about my feelings. I began a job 6 months ago in which I work closely with a man. Since I started the job, I have thought that he's a great guy, warm and funny. We are both married to other people for a long time. I know logically in my head that there is no future for us, but I find that I love him. I also love my husband. To make matters so much worse, I recently found out tht he has cancer and it may be quite serious. I do all I can for him at work, and try to be supportive. I know there is no future between us, but I feel that fate has brought me here for some reason. How would you handle this situation? Don't tell me to quit my job, because I won't as long as he's there. I'm just so torn apart.

[Tony T]

Why is it that people think they have to run out and make a very big issue everytime they fall in love??? Falling in love is not rocket science, it happens easily for some.

 

You are in a committed relationship and you may fall in love a number of times more before your death. If you don't want to be committed, get out of your marriage. You may not have been properly informed that committment was a major component of a marriage. In the case of your beloved who has cancer, you have to ask how much of your feelings are sympathy and how much is love. And so if you love the guy, big deal. Love him and let it go at that.

 

If you love your husband, arrange to have your vows renewed with another ceremony. And this time, be well informed that a big part of marriage is committment...even when you fall in love with other people from time to time. You are human, you know! You can't be taking up with a new person every time you fall, if you are so inclined.

[uriel]

I'm sorry you're going through this emotional turmoil. My two cents as a woman who had an intense emotional affair (me married, him single) and deeply regrets it, for what it's worth:

 

Stop entertaining romantic feelings for this friend from work. You think you can compartmentalize your emotions so that these feelings don't affect your marriage. That never works. The very fact that you are drawn to someone else to this degree suggests you're not entirely satisfied with your spouse. That you are not only fantasizing but allowing a little bit of action (emotional action) to creep into your life is unfaithful. Face that it is and put a stop to it.

 

Take the energy you've been putting into this friendship and direct it into your marriage instead. That's the only way you will be happy in the end. What you are doing now seems exciting -- the pleasure of thinking about him, the shock of seeing him, and now the bittersweet idea that you might console him in his illness. None of this is good for you; it will keep you craving and, eventually, hurting.

 

I hear your determination to pursue this thing to the bitter end. I did that (although I was honest with my spouse and the other man the entire way through), and it took me a year of therapy to put the pieces back together. If you think you can keep this up without it turning sour at home and at work or even just in your heart, think again. This story does not have a happy ending.

 

It's not good for him either, for that matter -- he's married and has more than enough on his plate without your feelings ever entering into the picture. If you love him for himself rather than just how he makes you feel, take care of him by making sure he never knows this. Be a friend to him in the most impersonal, generous way you can -- by staying out of flirtation, undue intimacy, and the details of his private life, including his marriage.

 

What kind of man can respect himself if he betrays the woman he loved enough to marry? What kind of woman could respect him after, especially since she would herself one day be in the same position? We tell ourselves that OUR relationship is special; it won't be the same with us as it was with her. Again, don't fool yourself. The bloom fades on every rose in the garden.

 

Remember, too, that his wife fell in love with him just as you have, but has -- on top of that -- been given his promises, shared his life and his bed. This is more than a fantasy romance for her; she married him and has been with him since. Now, she too is suffering the thought of his having cancer. Does she also need the fear of some woman at work longing for and perhaps eventually pursuing him? How would you feel if you were his wife, given the emotions you know she must have for him? Do you think it's right that you should be so set on remaining at work when so many people might get hurt by your actions? No amount of emotion on your part can justify your being willing to cast the welfare of so many other people aside.

 

There should be a permanent road sign on the path you're taking: Warning: Chaos Ahead. Time to make a u-turn. Maybe counseling will help you with that. I don't generally advocate longterm therapy for just anything, but you need to understand why you are so driven to see this thing through if you're unable to disconnect.

 

--uriel