Social Anxiety.

[crashastro]

The internet is the final frontier on my quest of making friends. I was wondering if anyone might have some advice.

 

Here's a little bit of my back story:

I'm eighteen years old and I've lived in 19 different apartments/duplexes that I can remember and went to several different schools before I eventually dropped out and got a GED. While I was in school (even back in elementary) I always felt like the third wheel to some other people's friendship. I've never felt as though I fit in anywhere. I feel like I don't have any specific style or group that I should get along with, so I didn't have many friends to begin with. The friends I did manage to make wouldn't last long before they decided to move on or I moved away. On top of that, after switching schools so many times I eventually put up an emotional wall to keep myself from getting close to someone and then hurting again the next time I moved away. So, eventually I ended up with just two friends who also happen to be my cousins. I guess this happened because I figured I couldn't lose them because they are family. As it turns out I was wrong. Recently they have decided to indulge in activities that I'm not comfortable with, so I've gradually distanced myself from them and now I'm feeling more lonely than ever.

 

Here's the problem:

After dropping out of high school two years ago and being out of the social loop completely (where I wasn't comfortable in the first place) I can barely hold a conversation with someone without having a borderline nervous breakdown. I try to filter what I'm going to say to try and sound cool or least nice. But I end up getting nervous and it never comes out right. It doesn't matter who I'm talking to. I'm probably coming across as really shy or creepy. I can't tell. Either way I can't seem to make any friends. After a while of this I retreaded to online gaming. Guess what, my problems weren't real life exclusive. I can't even make friends in an online community. The whole deal is really depressing and I don't know what to do about it. Though I feel a little better after typing this out.

 

I know it's a lot so thanks for reading and any advice you might have.

Edited February 20, 2011 by crashastro

[Purplehaze]

Hi Crashastro,

 

I think it is difficult for almost anyone to start conversations with people, let alone making friends. Are you into any activities that you can occupy your time and possibly meet new people?

 

It does take time to figure out who you are in life and part of that is also how well you interact with others in the world. The best thing I can suggest is to try participating in activities where you can socialize and just try making small talk with people you run into. Even at the store or the cashier. Just a simple smile and a hello will do. You never know who's day you might make with just that small friendly interaction.

 

Try reading some self-help books such as the one I"m reading right now called How to make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less by Nicholas Boothman.

 

Best of luck to you!

 

The internet is the final frontier on my quest of making friends. I was wondering if anyone might have some advice.

 

Here's a little bit of my back story:

I'm eighteen years old and I've lived in 19 different apartments/duplexes that I can remember and went to several different schools before I eventually dropped out and got a GED. While I was in school (even back in elementary) I always felt like the third wheel to some other people's friendship. I've never felt as though I fit in anywhere. I feel like I don't have any specific style or group that I should get along with, so I didn't have many friends to begin with. The friends I did manage to make wouldn't last long before they decided to move on or I moved away. On top of that, after switching schools so many times I eventually put up an emotional wall to keep myself from getting close to someone and then hurting again the next time I moved away. So, eventually I ended up with just two friends who also happen to be my cousins. I guess this happened because I figured I couldn't lose them because they are family. As it turns out I was wrong. Recently they have decided to indulge in activities that I'm not comfortable with, so I've gradually distanced myself from them and now I'm feeling more lonely than ever.

 

Here's the problem:

After dropping out of high school two years ago and being out of the social loop completely (where I wasn't comfortable in the first place) I can barely hold a conversation with someone without having a borderline nervous breakdown. I try to filter what I'm going to say to try and sound cool or least nice. But I end up getting nervous and it never comes out right. It doesn't matter who I'm talking to. I'm probably coming across as really shy or creepy. I can't tell. Either way I can't seem to make any friends. After a while of this I retreaded to online gaming. Guess what, my problems weren't real life exclusive. I can't even make friends in an online community. The whole deal is really depressing and I don't know what to do about it. Though I feel a little better after typing this out.

 

I know it's a lot so thanks for reading and any advice you might have.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Even for people who are skilled at conversation, it's incredibly difficult for them to maintain friendships and build relationships.

 

It's even worse for loners and people with social anxiety.

 

Not saying things are hopeless, because they aren't, but they are much, much more harder. As a social anxiety sufferer, I've ended up blaming the world for my problems, instead of facing my issues head on. That is a mistake. You need to face your fears, otherwise they will own you.

 

Don't let your fears own you.

[gibskony]

Social anxiety is the fear of social situations and interaction with others that can automatically bring on feelings of self-awareness, trial, evaluation and social anxiety inferiority.Developmental occurs in infancy as a normal part of development of social functioning.

[Cee]

First off, your post was well written and coherent. So you are communicating just fine on here. I don't have social anxiety, but I have suffered from agoraphobia so I can relate to getting over fears.

 

To learn to relate to people, it takes time and lots of practice. And I think it's fine to admit up front, "I'm shy and I want to get over it." Kind people will try to help you. And if a person is not nice to you, back off. All of us know what it's like to be friendly and not have people be nice back. Try not to take it personally.

 

If you have an acquaintance or family member that you can talk to, talk to them. Talk to them a lot. Also, learn to listen. Good listening is as important as talking. Try to hear what a person says and ask a question or mirror back what they said. Also, observe people in conversation. Look at the body language and their facial expressions. Become a student of human interaction and learn. Everywhere you go, you can practice relating to people, even if it's a nod to a stranger or a question at a store.

 

Try to be patient. You can't run a marathon in a day. Start with putting one foot in front of the other and see what happens.

[Cassandra92]

I am close to your age and experiencing the same thing as you, so I hope it is just something that comes with this time of our lives. I just started at a new university after deciding I didn't like the atmosphere at my previous one, but I do not feel any better. I have never felt so alone as when I am sitting in a packed lecture theater. I do not even feel I am worthwhile enough to speak to anyone! And if I do, it is only briefly because I worry they are judging my appearance/voice, and I find it hard to look people in the eye. This low self-esteem also partially lead to the end of a relationship recently, which was pretty much the only thing making me feel any ounce of security. So that loss has been affecting me a lot.

 

I wasn't moved around as much as you in my childhood, but at 13 my parents moved me to a new city, new school, new everything (later on I heard that the early teenage years are the worst time you can uproot a child). I had trouble making new friends and never felt like I really fitted in. The move effectively ended my happy childhood and I think had a profound effect on my personality and the person I became. So all the moving around and the instability you had to deal with is probably a big factor in the way you feel today (I'm no psychologist but it seems logical to me).

 

Something I am doing for myself though is going to see a counsellor at uni. My first appointment is tomorrow and if it seems to help or at least offer me some good insight I may continue to go, or see what other services they can offer me. If this is at all a possibility for you, you should consider it, even if you only go the one time.

 

Feel free to message me anytime, I really do know how you are feeling.

[starryeyed12]

Aw! I just read your post and it made me sad. Every single person in this world has something unique and special to add to it. I know that sounds super cheesy, but it is true. Relationships with others are what enriches our lives and makes it worth all the bull****.

 

People are not perfect either. People can be rude or mean or hurtful as much as they can be kind or thoughful or giving. You have to understand this and not take people's downfalls so much to heart. Everyone has some level of social anxiety at times. Also, people are like dogs in a sense that they can "smell" uneasiness. What I mean is, if you are uncomfortable, they can feel it and in turn will become that way around you. One way to overcome this at first is to state the obvious. Make it known, sorry I'm a little nervous to talk with you. Once you break that ice then people know that they are on the same page and that you both feel the same thing. This can aleviate some pressure. The best thing is just practice as another poster stated. Do one thing everyday that scares you. Say hi to someone or nod or whatever it may be.

 

Everyone passes judgements and tries to label the world around them. Those little boxes which you can put others in (stoner, jock, emo, popular ect., etc.) make people feel comfortable or safe. It gives people a sense of self-awareness and control. But these boxes or labels are not always what they seem. People become more and more aware of this truth the older they get. You will see this as time goes by. You have to open up if you want others to open up to you. State your thoughts and opinions, but make sure they are thought out and true to yourself. You could maybe find out your opinions by writing down what you feel about certain issues when you are all alone, like about abortion or the public school system, to things like Charlie Sheen (celebrities). Your thoughts and opinions are what others will be able to relate to, so study up on whats going on in the world around you and decide how you feel about it.

 

You could practice by coming back on LS and sharing what you think of the responses to your thread.....just an idea!

 

Good luck!