Information about surveillance and stalking

[Mrs. Jones]

I just caught up with your thread. I think if you are going to spend the kind of money it takes for a PI, then I'd have the PI follow XMM.

 

I'm not completely dismissing random guy or even your husband. Random guy just seems like such a longshot. There is no investment there. But clearly people like this do exist in the world.

 

Are you absolutely sure it is not your husband? BS's are told not to divulge their sources. If he was tracking your phone, computer, car etc. he may not have wanted to give up that source thus a random note on his car. What is your husband's level of concern regarding this stalking situation?

 

If you get desperate you could even set up a fake meeting with XMM using your phone while in your car (VAR) or however you used to do it. Set up the fake meeting at a hotel. Then ask a very trusted girlfriend to follow you on that day and see if she notices anyone following you. Also, make sure you drive your car to the hotel, bring your phone, and your purse with you. If hubby gets a note then that would eliminate the tracking being on XMM's end at least and point a pretty strong finger at your husband if your girlfriend doesn't notice anything suspicious.

 

After having your car re-checked for a GPS, you might consider a keylogger to see if hubby is logging on to the computer to check your whereabouts, especially if you have GPS on your phone.

 

Even after having said all that, my gut tells me that most of the tracking is being done on XMM's end. If you didn't email, call, or text to arrange your last meet up, how did you do it? Did you just randomly bump into each other?

 

I know it's long. I'm sorry it's late here and when I'm tired my thoughts don't come out as nicely. Stay safe. If it is random guy, that would be the most scariest scenario.

 

 

Gosh, you’ve really got me thinking about all of this in a different way, though I am not certain who this might be anymore.

 

xMM is totally blown away by all of this and cannot imagine who it might be. He is very angry by it all as it has been very invasive in his life.

 

I thought of that scenario about my husband. I do not think it’s him and have checked his bank records and computer for anything that might be off…history, websites, etc. He did seem concerned when this started to happen with us…the 2 letters…and had me locking the door always when he was not around. He did come with me to the police station when we got the second letter/disc. But who knows, he could be playing along.

 

The xMM and I would communicate through an email client that used encryption. We would do this mostly from our work and rarely from home. When we were working, we would communicate all day to each other. This was how we would arrange our meetings.

 

I just don’t understand. If it was being carried out on the xMM side, why wouldn’t his wife receive any info from the beginning too? She did not get anything until 2 months after my DDAy. I would think that (random guy) would have blown this whole thing up at once. But it had been painfully drawn out. So evil.

 

My husband mentioned that I should hope it’s the random guy as he sees him as harmless (but you never know), and not some other crazy person.

 

Thanks awkward. I appreciate your time and thoughts.

[bentnotbroken]

Your response is utterly ridiculous!

 

 

Thank you. I am in good company since so many see the possibility of former OW.

[PeachyPink]

I think it is irrelevant who the person is that is divulging the information. Obviously, it is someone who finds what you did offensive. Make it known that you have stopped the offensive acts, and the retaliatory behavior will stop.

[Mrs. Jones]

Thank you. I am in good company since so many see the possibility of former OW.

 

I am open to this possibility, but his wife’s letter clearly stated that I was the one being followed…not her husband. He was discovered through my travels and adventures. And it also stated I was followed for quite some time, which leaves me to believe it happened after I started hanging out where my husband does. Up until that time, no one on my husband’s end (at the club where he was receiving his letters) knew who I was.

 

If it were an OW, would she not have been following xMM, then discovered me? Also, since the letters started with my husband (5 months before xMM ever even got a letter), and on his car, how would an OW know the routines of my husband? Would she not have to stalk him too to find out where he is and what he does during the day, when he would be at the club so she can leave her notes? That’s a lot of work to be following me (as the letter states), my husband, and the xMM. But hey, some people are crazy like that and I am not ruling this out.

 

Also, would this OW not start sending letters to his wife from the beginning of discovery? Even before my husband got his? Just seems there would be more energy to out the xMM from the start instead of me.

[Mrs. Jones]

I think it is irrelevant who the person is that is divulging the information. Obviously, it is someone who finds what you did offensive. Make it known that you have stopped the offensive acts, and the retaliatory behavior will stop.[/QUOTE]

 

Well, I would like to know who it is, someone is watching what I do at different times of the day. Maybe they are no longer doing this, it’s been 4 months since I have seen the xMM. I do not know. It’s just sick the way it has played out.

 

Anyway, I agree with this and that is why I wanted my husband to talk to this potential random guy to let him know the families have moved on and everything’s okay. Since I do not hang out where my husband does, and am not a friend of this guy, I thought it would be best if my husband casually spoke to him and not me. But, he has not and I do not think it’s going to happen.

 

On another note, the officer I spoke with about all of this said he would talk to him, but I’m thinking if it is him, would only anger him further and more video would go out.

[spice4life]

We never texted and rarely phoned. When I met xMM for that 30 minutes, 4 weeks out of LC, I was nailed for seeing him. We did not call eachother or text when or where we were meeting. This person had to have been waiting for me, following me to this destination. And had been following me for 4 weeks with me not even meeting the xMM. He was waiting for me to slip, and as patient as he was in his waitning, I did...and he caught me. Like a spider in a web.

 

I certainly hope you figure out who it is. Awkward brings up an excellent point about it possibly being your husband. I forgot to mention that the cell phone software turns your phone into a bugging device, which means they are able to listen in on conversations that are not on the phone as well. It could be that you are being followed, but I wouldn't discount the power of technology these days. It gives a person access to someone's every move, every conversation (on and off the phone) 24\7 without having to follow them.

 

Good luck to you. I hope you find out soon who is doing this to you.

[Carrot2000]

No…the only man I was fixated on was my xMM. We were heart-broken it had ended and this way, abruptly, and hurtfully. We were not ready to let go.

 

Someone is following me and documenting it through notes and video. It is real. And so wrong.

 

So you're upset about being followed because you wanted to keep cheating?

 

The same way you were fixated on a married man, another person was fixated on you and your cheating. Could that other person be your husband? He could easily carry out surveillance on you without leaving evidence of it--the same way you were able to carry on an affair without leaving evidence.

[Owl]

I find it kind of odd that your H isn't viewing this as something serious...the "stalking" portion of it, I mean.

 

I'd suspect that he may know/suspect who is behind it, and isn't concerned because he's comfortable with whomever is doing this.

 

Have you sat and discussed this with your H in detail to try to sort this out?

[OWoman]

I find it kind of odd that your H isn't viewing this as something serious...the "stalking" portion of it, I mean.

 

Yes - that does stand out for me as well. If someone was stalking someone I cared about, I would respond to that threat by seeking it out to neutralise it. Either, as you suggest, he is comfortable with the source and motivation - or he's simply not that invested and has detached from the R and ceased caring.

[Owl]

Yes - that does stand out for me as well. If someone was stalking someone I cared about, I would respond to that threat by seeking it out to neutralise it. Either, as you suggest, he is comfortable with the source and motivation - or he's simply not that invested and has detached from the R and ceased caring.

 

Possible, but doesn't seem likely in this case.

 

He had the perfect out to end things if he were feeling that way when he first learned of the affair.

 

Instead, he called MOM and told him to back off.

 

Doesn't sound disinterested to me.

[OWoman]

Possible, but doesn't seem likely in this case.

 

He had the perfect out to end things if he were feeling that way when he first learned of the affair.

 

Instead, he called MOM and told him to back off.

 

Doesn't sound disinterested to me.

 

His initial response was not disinterested, no. But with the passage of time, and more "packages", he may be becoming jaded, and his attachment waning. Or perhaps with time he's simply adjusting to the possibility of being alone - that happens often among BSs who post on the infidelity board. It's hard to gauge which it is based on the info provided here, but his reaction does seem curiously detached, IMO.

[Mrs. Jones]

I find it kind of odd that your H isn't viewing this as something serious...the "stalking" portion of it, I mean.

 

I'd suspect that he may know/suspect who is behind it, and isn't concerned because he's comfortable with whomever is doing this.

 

Have you sat and discussed this with your H in detail to try to sort this out?

 

I'm thinking the same thing.

 

Hello Owl,

 

My husband does not know of the package to the xMM’s employer, but I did let him know that xMM’s wife received the package we did.

 

He claims to be concerned about the events of all of this and is always telling me to be aware of my surroundings, and told me he would talk to the random guy himself. But, as I’ve stated here a couple of times that did not happen. I would think, to get me off his back about this, he would have lied to me and told me he did talk to him. But he said he has not approached the guy as there is always people around. But hey, he can take him aside, can he not?

 

I will bring this all up again with him to see where he is with this. I think he just wants to let this all go.

[Mrs. Jones]

I certainly hope you figure out who it is. Awkward brings up an excellent point about it possibly being your husband. I forgot to mention that the cell phone software turns your phone into a bugging device, which means they are able to listen in on conversations that are not on the phone as well. It could be that you are being followed, but I wouldn't discount the power of technology these days. It gives a person access to someone's every move, every conversation (on and off the phone) 24\7 without having to follow them.

 

Good luck to you. I hope you find out soon who is doing this to you.

 

Thing is, my husband did not know of this meeting. I told him a month after it happened. He was not happy about it. The only reason I shared this info was to let him know that xMM had recieved his disc as he stated in our letter.

 

Had he known of the meeting, he would have questioned my were abouts that day to see if I would lie to him. He does not let things go...he nips them in the bud. I do not think it's my husband, but I'm not discounting it either.

 

I agree with the technology...and I value your insight. Thank you Spice.

[Mrs. Jones]

So you're upset about being followed because you wanted to keep cheating?

 

The same way you were fixated on a married man, another person was fixated on you and your cheating. Could that other person be your husband? He could easily carry out surveillance on you without leaving evidence of it--the same way you were able to carry on an affair without leaving evidence.

 

At the time I was fixated on that MM. We saw eachother for over 2 years. It was hard to end it this way.

 

I am upset because I have small children I shuttle around and do not need some goofball following me. Yes, I know I brought this all on myself. It is one thing to present all the evidence to all parties on a DDAY, but it’s quite another to torment people. The A ended in Sept. and the latest package was delivered at Christmas.

[Mrs. Jones]

His initial response was not disinterested, no. But with the passage of time, and more "packages", he may be becoming jaded, and his attachment waning. Or perhaps with time he's simply adjusting to the possibility of being alone - that happens often among BSs who post on the infidelity board. It's hard to gauge which it is based on the info provided here, but his reaction does seem curiously detached, IMO.

 

Hello OW,

 

At this stage in our R, since the A, we are both wondering where we want to be. The A has been a huge eye opener for him. He wants to hold it together and has changed some of his ways. For me, I'm not sure if it's too little too late. I will be starting IC sometime in April when my contract position becomes fulltime. I'm hoping this might help me sort out where I want to be.

 

This is for another thread.

[Binster]

"I would think, to get me off his back about this, he would have lied to me and told me he did talk to him. But he said he has not approached the guy as there is always people around. But hey, he can take him aside, can he not?"

 

Maybe even if he doesn't know who it is he's happy enough for you to think someone's keeping an eye on you.

[Owl]

I personally would suspect that H knows who is doing the "stalking"...but is allowing it to continue. And I would also agree that he's probably not taking action to put a stop to it because it's driving towards what he wants/needs...the end of the affair relationship between his wife and the MOM.

 

If he didn't know who it was, or had concerns about his wife's safety because he didn't know/trust the person doing it, he'd be putting a good bit of effort into sorting it out. His apparent lack of action would suggest to me that he's ok with it.

 

What I would suggest to Mrs Jones would be to consider this...and also consider that her H is going to require her complete honesty and transparency for quite some time ahead in order to rebuild his trust in her after her affair. She's going to have to earn that trust back.

 

I'd suggest she take a non-confrontational but honest approach, and ask him why he's not more concerened or taking actions...and ask him what she needs to do in order to regain his trust while protecting herself from this possible stalker.

[Mrs. Jones]

I personally would suspect that H knows who is doing the "stalking"...but is allowing it to continue. And I would also agree that he's probably not taking action to put a stop to it because it's driving towards what he wants/needs...the end of the affair relationship between his wife and the MOM.

 

If he didn't know who it was, or had concerns about his wife's safety because he didn't know/trust the person doing it, he'd be putting a good bit of effort into sorting it out. His apparent lack of action would suggest to me that he's ok with it.

 

What I would suggest to Mrs Jones would be to consider this...and also consider that her H is going to require her complete honesty and transparency for quite some time ahead in order to rebuild his trust in her after her affair. She's going to have to earn that trust back.

 

I'd suggest she take a non-confrontational but honest approach, and ask him why he's not more concerened or taking actions...and ask him what she needs to do in order to regain his trust while protecting herself from this possible stalker.

 

Owl...as usual, I think you hit the nail. As did you Binster.

 

I will take your advice and approach my H about this gently. Since the A, I have been totally tranparent and will continue to be.

 

But, I will still be cognizant of those around me, and driving around me...

 

Since coming to this board on my second DDAY, your advice and wise observations to others with their tribulations has helped me through mine. Thank you.

[starlight102]

Thank you. I am in good company since so many see the possibility of former OW.

 

I inadvertently quoted the wrong message. I meant to quote:

 

"Sounds like a pretty good person."

 

The above is a ridiculous comment! You really need to get a life.

[Leto]

After reading all of the responses, I almost feel as though your husband has an OW and she is the one doing this. And his lack of response is diverting any attention from his affair to yours. Not only that, you are so pre occupied with the issues at hand that you are not worrying about what your husband is doing. She would know his work schedule and be able to do this. She would also be one to benefit from you splitting with yout husband. He brought you around a month or so before this all started, seems pre arranged. I don't know, it just seems your husband doesn't care, because he knows all about it already. And if you do head towards divorce, it would be your fault...not hid.

 

I don't know though, just my opinion

[fooled once]

Mrs. Jones, please don't take what I'm saying as in any way a justification or an excuse for someone's behaviour that is dangerous because I'm not justifying it but I did want to make a point.

 

When we get involved with someone who has a previous commitment we are taking a real RISK, a risk that someone could become unglued and hurt people in many ways. Sometimes it carries over to violence. Something to think about.

 

Agree

 

I find it kind of odd that your H isn't viewing this as something serious...the "stalking" portion of it, I mean.

 

I'd suspect that he may know/suspect who is behind it, and isn't concerned because he's comfortable with whomever is doing this.

 

Have you sat and discussed this with your H in detail to try to sort this out?

 

agree

 

Yes - that does stand out for me as well. If someone was stalking someone I cared about, I would respond to that threat by seeking it out to neutralise it. Either, as you suggest, he is comfortable with the source and motivation - or he's simply not that invested and has detached from the R and ceased caring.

 

Agree

 

I personally would suspect that H knows who is doing the "stalking"...but is allowing it to continue. And I would also agree that he's probably not taking action to put a stop to it because it's driving towards what he wants/needs...the end of the affair relationship between his wife and the MOM.

 

If he didn't know who it was, or had concerns about his wife's safety because he didn't know/trust the person doing it, he'd be putting a good bit of effort into sorting it out. His apparent lack of action would suggest to me that he's ok with it.

 

What I would suggest to Mrs Jones would be to consider this...and also consider that her H is going to require her complete honesty and transparency for quite some time ahead in order to rebuild his trust in her after her affair. She's going to have to earn that trust back.

 

I'd suggest she take a non-confrontational but honest approach, and ask him why he's not more concerened or taking actions...and ask him what she needs to do in order to regain his trust while protecting herself from this possible stalker.

 

Agree

 

Owl...as usual, I think you hit the nail. As did you Binster.

 

I will take your advice and approach my H about this gently. Since the A, I have been totally tranparent and will continue to be.

 

But, I will still be cognizant of those around me, and driving around me...

 

Since coming to this board on my second DDAY, your advice and wise observations to others with their tribulations has helped me through mine. Thank you.

 

 

Confused on what I bolded above. How have you been totally transparent if your H didn't know about the last meeting with the MM until a month after the meeting?

 

You wrote:

 

Thing is, my husband did not know of this meeting. I told him a month after it happened. He was not happy about it. The only reason I shared this info was to let him know that xMM had recieved his disc as he stated in our letter.

 

So it sounds like you only told your H of the last meeting because MM received the disc. Had MM not received the disc, you wouldn't have told your H of the meeting with MM and who knows if you would have met with him again.

 

Please be careful and definitely keep your wits about you when you are out and about. I hope there is some resolution for everyone involved.

[bentnotbroken]

I inadvertently quoted the wrong message. I meant to quote:

 

"Sounds like a pretty good person."

 

The above is a ridiculous comment! You really need to get a life.

 

 

Thank you for your thoughtful advice. :lmao:

[Mrs. Jones]

 

So it sounds like you only told your H of the last meeting because MM received the disc. Had MM not received the disc, you wouldn't have told your H of the meeting with MM and who knows if you would have met with him again.

 

Please be careful and definitely keep your wits about you when you are out and about. I hope there is some resolution for everyone involved.

 

 

I did not have to tell my husband anything. My husband had been wondering after we recieved our disc, if the wife recieved hers. During that time she had not, but did 2 months later.

 

I could have easily told my husband I just got a call from the xMM and found out this info, but I wanted to tell him the truth and come clean about it. I know I should have told him before I left that day, but I knew I would hurt him. So yes, I was wrong, but I wanted him to decide what he wanted to do with the knowledge that I had met xMM again. I have since been transparent and he knows.

 

Thanks for your well wishes and I will watch out.

[Mrs. Jones]

After reading all of the responses, I almost feel as though your husband has an OW and she is the one doing this. And his lack of response is diverting any attention from his affair to yours. Not only that, you are so pre occupied with the issues at hand that you are not worrying about what your husband is doing. She would know his work schedule and be able to do this. She would also be one to benefit from you splitting with yout husband. He brought you around a month or so before this all started, seems pre arranged. I don't know, it just seems your husband doesn't care, because he knows all about it already. And if you do head towards divorce, it would be your fault...not hid.

 

I don't know though, just my opinion

 

 

He blames me for everything anyway, lol. Even if I did not have an A, which now gives him an excuse, a D would've always been my fault. I can count on that.

 

Yours is an interesting post and is quite possible. I have been keeping an eye on him too since this all happened. We both spend a lot of time apart, almost like separate lives, so he could easily have something on the side I might not know about. He does not seem like the type, but my eyes are wide open.

 

What bothers me is most is the guys at the club know he is there more than he is at home. They know I am working and taking care of our children. Yet, someone there (possibly) is keeping an eye on me as my H does as he pleases. Almost like a double standard. They should be telling him to get his a$$ home to help his wife out.

[Lucky_One]

After reading all of the responses, I almost feel as though your husband has an OW and she is the one doing this. And his lack of response is diverting any attention from his affair to yours. Not only that, you are so pre occupied with the issues at hand that you are not worrying about what your husband is doing. She would know his work schedule and be able to do this. She would also be one to benefit from you splitting with yout husband. He brought you around a month or so before this all started, seems pre arranged. I don't know, it just seems your husband doesn't care, because he knows all about it already. And if you do head towards divorce, it would be your fault...not hid.

 

I don't know though, just my opinion

 

Now THIS is an interesting theory, and actually has a lot of merit.

 

OW was getting a little ticked that your H wasn't leaving the marriage soon enough, and so she decided to push the timeline a bit. She is continuing to mess with your MM and his wife, so that their marriage ends and you are tempted to leave your H. And this way, at the end of the day, your H gets to look at your kids and say "Mom was the one who had an EMA and left me" (assuming that his own EMA never got busted).

 

She knows who you are, she knows your H's life and schedule, and she knows more about your schedule because of information that your H tells her - heck, she could be a friend of yours.

 

Just another tangent to think about....