LeT'S TaLk AbOuT SeX....!!!!!

[newcommer]

LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX:

 

You know, I think in many ways I am out the loop with some stuff. Out of curiousity, how long do you think is too long to wait before having sex? What is average? What would not be percieved as moving too fast or being too desperate?

 

For example my last relationship It took me 5.5 months before I was ready to feel comfortable making love. Notibly, it was due to a bad past experience, however, I still would have taken time before making love to this man. I truly adored this man and I definately felt the chemistry burning in me. However, I was too afraid he would see me as too easy if I moved too fast. We fooled around after three months when we went away on vacation. We took a shower together and cuddled, but never the real deal. He was okay with not going further.

 

Yet, it seems when we finally did make love things died down between us and he started telling me we were never really in a relationship. Behaviors and attitudes I expect from someone you slept with too fast because they think your too easy. So sometimes I wonder what is too fast and what is too slow? I would like to have an idea for my next time around the dating scene!

[gaia]

This all sounds a bit Victorian to me. Do men honestly make these value judgements about women based on how long they "hold out"? And isn't there something very artificial about holding back something you want to give?

 

If one or other partner isn't ready, then fair enough, hold on until you are.

 

I've had experience of long relationships without any sexual contact taking place and relationships where it was immediate. Restrained myself for only a matter of hours when I first met my husband. He didn't vanish - just kept coming back for more!

 

To answer your question, I think it's so individual to a relationship that you can't really sort it out in advance.

 

I really would like to hear from the guys as to whether it's a big deal for them, though.

[Renny_H]

Originally posted by newcommer

We took a shower together and cuddled, but never the real deal. He was okay with not going further.

 

How do you have a shower without going any further? That really strikes me as odd. No offence, but hell, you two were naked, right?

 

BTW, I've just started going to a new school, and there's a girl in my class who I'm not attracted to. However, we're pretty friendly, but she keeps calling me a talented young man, because she likes my work. She does this constantly. It's been about 2 months since we met. Does she want sex or what?

 

I don't. She's not attractive personality-wise, and I'm not shallow enough to go with her. I think I might have to give her sex though, because then the relationship will die and she'll go away, right?

[priscilla]

You kind of answered your own question in the same message. You have sex with a guy when you feel comfortable. If a guy threatens to leave you because you didn't put out then get rid of him, he wasn't worth it.

 

About the guy you just slept with it , it sounds like he was there for a challange and finally got you. Loser!!! In the future, to avoid what happened with this guy, make it clear with the new guy that you want to be in committed relationship before taking it to the next stage. That way you may be more comfortable with your decisions and you are in a real relationship. Did you guys ever talk about about being monogamous? Were you boyfriend/girlfriend?

[Arabess]

It becomes a personal call based on the relationship at hand.

 

I can't IMAGINE dating someone that long and being in the shower and not having sex though. The men I date are much more aggressive sexually than that! LOL!

 

There is certainly merit in not being too sexually permiscuous, but if I had to pretend to be a prude to get a guy to respect me....I'd go insane. He just wouldn't be my kind of guy. I like men who are more 'adventuresome'.

[yes]

i think it depends more on how it all happens, than how long the girl holds it off.

 

... and i also don't understand how you can stop once you're naked! i think the actual intercourse is overrated - if you're OK with being naked together, you might as well go all the way

 

-yes

[newcommer]

I asked that question only because I really am out of the dating loop being I went from one relationship to another and each relationship was very long years and not full of intimacy at all. So since they had little affection in terms of sex, I know I am not one who really needs to have sex often. I can be satisfied having it only once a month. Men I have dated are worst than I. They can go months. So I asked wondering if I meet a “Normal” guy and start dating, what is too fast? For I know many people say that “Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free” and “Women now a days just give it away.”

 

Yes, Arabess, Renny_H I hear your words, but you must understand two things:

 

1. I may have truly wanted to be with him, but I was scared as hell. When I met him I felt awkward holding hands. He slowly got rid of my fears. He knew I was uncomfortable taking a shower with him. I kept fearing he would force himself on me. We were alone in a cabin miles away from people on our first vacation. He saw my fear and decided we would have fun taking baths and showering and just being close, but he would not go further until he felt my fears had vanished. So we spent one week enjoying one another without my fear playing into things.

 

2. I had a bad experience in the past and my upbringing and certain things would not allow me to do anything without him forcing me, which he refused. So we had fun without making it too much for me to handle at once. Intercourse can be (or before I met him I thought) painful and feel more like a punishment than intimacy. After meeting him, however i do see how it can be a pleasure and not painful. I guess that is why he chose to play without intercourse.

 

Pricillia, that is an interesting question you ask. When I look back I think now that the situation was confusing for when he met me I on no uncertain terms wanted a relationship. I only wanted a friend. I made it clear that I enjoyed being single, wanted no children and no marriage. He pursued me regardless filling my head with the joys of marriage, the joys of me having a child and if we had one together how he would be there every step of the way, he even got furious with me when I often asked him to ask other women out and date other people. I assumed all of this meant he wanted a relationship deeper than I wanted. He was furious when I congratulated him for finally going out with another woman. He told me I forced him into it and he rather spend all his time with me. So I guess I “A S S”umed that he wanted a serious relationship. When we did have sex 5.5 months later, all his pursuing died down, and slowly the relationship died down. Now I did tell him what I noticed and he swore it died down because of his kids going back to school. However, when I met him his kids were in school. I believe I had sex too fast with him. Or perhaps I just represented a challenge.

 

I don’t know, I tell you I have been in strange relationships, so I only know that the men I date are not so into sex. They are a bit more oldfashion, even though they are experienced and will try most things. So I attribute some of things dying down to that. For after we spent two weeks making love all the time and trying new things, he never wanted to do anything again until January. That was Sept-January he lost interest in sex. We went out and if I asked him to make love to me, he would put it off and take me to resturaunt or out somewhere. However his hanging out with me died down a lot from September. February, he got back into wanting to have sex, but totally stopped going out with me altogether. I started to feel like that was all we were becomming. So I don't know, but I think sex has a lot to do with how a guy looks at you. I could be wrong.

[Timbo]

I've never had a certain amount of time in mind when considering having sex with a partner. The only real consideration I had (when I was actually thinking!) was whether she and I were on the same page. If I felt that we weren't on the same page, I wouldn't have sex with them (mostly to protect them, and a few times to spare my own heart).

 

Sex is good! I think the world would be a much better place if everyone could have great sex every day.

[gaia]

Originally posted by Timbo

 

Sex is good! I think the world would be a much better place if everyone could have great sex every day.

 

Amen to that!

[newcommer]

Yeah I guess your right, it all depends on how comfortable the two of you feel. Who is to say what is right and what is wrong. However, I feel for me, priscilla made the most sense.

make it clear with the new guy that you want to be in committed relationship before taking it to the next stage. That way you may be more comfortable with your decisions and you are in a real relationship. Did you guys ever talk about.....

 

I think for me her advice is the most helpful, because asking the right questions leads to lack of miscommunication.

[yes]

i agree that it's best, for safety reasons if nothing else, to establish exclusivity before sleeping with the person.

 

the biggest thing to remember is that you've got hormones, too. so unless you're ready for the option of sex, don't put yourself into circumstances where it's easy to get turned on and lose track of reality. i.e. don't be alone at each other's houses, don't park in dark parking lots, etc. because, trust me, you can walk in with zero intention of having sex and next thing you know, the lil touches lead to a massage which leads to taking off clothes - and then you're screwed - at this point, if you don't have sex you'll be both frustrated as hell, and if you do do it, you may regret it. so ya - just think ahead, ppl!!

 

-yes

[newcommer]

I never met men like the ones you all are describing. My present turns me on so very much and yet if I tell him that his kisses and touhes make me want to have sex with him, he looks at me as if I am an alien from out of space. He tells me it is impossible. He says what we do (Kissing and touching and making each other hot ) is a form or making love and nothing more is needed. So although he is very good at making love and will experiment with anything, he has so much total control that at times I feel like I am an odd ball for wishing we were in a hotel room.

 

Now I thought it was his ex-wife and the women after his divorce. Meaning that I thought this control was having so much sexual experience where as I have had next to none although I had two partners before him. Even my ex- who is my best friends thought and still thinks something is totally wrong with me for wanting to make love. He used to get angry with me and say, I need to have control. Even though it had been months sense we last made love.

 

Now these are men who taught me how to kiss like one could not imagine, who give and like to recieve oral sex, who can withstain from cumming. These are men I have had unprotected sex with knowing they will not cum only get hard.

 

They both felt like I was some weirdo for wanting to make love. My present and I had not been to a hotel since September. We made love once for the first time in my life in his car (It was very passionate), then never again. So frustrated and feeling a bit unloved, I took him for his birthday to a hotel. He got furious and said, you never said we were going here. He refused to go in. I was so hurt. Finally we went back to his place and when he realized I was going to walk away because I thought he was not attracted to me, he and I made love on his couch for the first time in months.

 

So, now you all are telling me, i am not weird and go with my feelings. I am confused as Hell!!!!! All my boyfriends including the first one I broke my virginity with, all felt I was being totally sinful wanting to make love and refused to accomodate my wishes. I never had a sexual relationship that was anything like having sex often. So all your post are bewildering, because as I said, my last two boyfriends were totally experienced and completely capable of satisfying me beyond words. I never enjoyed intercourse because I was raped by a stranger who beat me up one night. So I had mostly oral sex, but my present, showed me how wonderful actaully having intercourse done properly can be. However, for all his pationate foreplay he will not make love unless he is ready which is probably why he was so willing to have a bubble bath, and be naked without any thought of penetration. All my men were like that. The naked body never moved them. They all say, "Looks and beauty does not make the woman." They can have full conversations with a naked Madonna or Britney Spears and never try to have sex unless they feel totally at ease in their minds.

[priscilla]

Have you ever thought about going to a rape crisis group or counseling? Your past may be affecting your present in some way. I am not a shrink, so don't know what it might be, but if seems if there is some insecurity problems here. And don't dwell or worry about the past. They are learning experiences. You have sex when you are ready to have sex. It might be the first night, it might be 6 months later, it might not be until you are married. If you are hesitant in anyway, don't do it. If you want to wait until you have developed a monogomous relationship then wait.