SmoothJimmy Posted February 20, 2011 Posted February 20, 2011 Hi everyone, this is my first post. First I'll start with a bit of a back story. I'm 19 now, turning 20 this year, and so is my now ex girlfriend. I had a bit of a crush on her when I was 13 or 14 for a few months, and then when she was 15 and I was 16 we dated for about a month before she went on exchange to Europe (we live in Australia) for 5 months). We remained in contact during this period, but she did hook up with other people over there (nothing particularly serious from my understanding, however we weren't together at this point so it didn't bother me much even though I knew I really cared about this girl). When she got back, things were a bit weird for a while but we remained friends, until on Valentines day 2007 I asked her out, to which she replied that she just wasn't ready for a relationship again yet. I gave her a card I made with the words 'I think you're great' and a picture of a flower anyway, and went home on the school bus and moped about. About a week later I was in class with her and noticed she looked a bit upset, so I asked her what was up and she said she had been having arguments with her family, so I asked if she would like to come over to my house that afternoon to just hang out and chat and everything, so over she came. We had a really nice afternoon and at some point we somehow ended up just kind of cuddling on my bed until she asked me 'could I have a kiss?' to which I replied 'you know I still like you'. That weekend she invited me over to her house and we really hit it off again, and later in the night she asked me to be her boyfriend, and for the next (just shy of) 2 years and 11 months, everything seemed great. Of course we had our tiffs and little arguments during this time, but nothing ever serious and I loved her more and more throughout the time we were together. We were the typical couple who loved each other to bits and foolishly saw way too much of each other and not enough of our other friends. In addition to this, she largely didn't see her own friends and became friends with my friends as well. Here is where I guess the next period in our relationship started. We both finished high school in 2009, and I went to uni while she took a year off (she starts uni in about 1 week from posting this). I only moved about an hour and a half away, so distance was not an issue and we still saw each other most weekends and spoke on the phone every night as we had done for most of the last 3 years. Our parents were both always very relaxed and could see that we loved each other and were committed to each other, so from when we were 16 or 17 there was never any issue with us having sleep overs. Towards the end of October, my mum received news that her younger sister was very ill, and in addition to this my grandmother is getting old so after living in Australia for much of her life, she decided to move back to England to be with her family. I had been planning to move back in with mum for my Summer break (November to March), so I needed to find alternative living arrangements quick smart. I hadn't lived with my father for about 7 years by this point, and don't really get along with him well enough to stay in his home even semi-permanently, but as I mentioned before my girlfriends parents were quite relaxed and really liked me and saw how much I cared for their daughter, so they said I would be able to stay at their house as much as I needed over this period between my mum moving back to England and me moving back to uni. I was probably staying at my girlfriends house 3 or 4 nights a week, my mums house (its ownership didn't change hands until after we broke up) 1 or 2 nights a week when I had work near there, and my dads 1 or 2 nights a week. Long story short, we were seeing a lot more of each other, and I guess to an extent I was invading her personal space as I didn't have any of my own at that point (my dad regularly reminds me that I am a guest in his house and that it isn't my home, despite not living with my mother anymore.) Now, as I mentioned earlier, the girlfriend became good friends with my friends and didn't see much of her own friends. I recognised that this bothered her, so despite not entirely approving of a new friend she was making (male - she seems to get on with guys better than girls, which normally wouldn't be a problem but there was something not quite right about this guy.), I tried my hardest to keep my mouth shut as I don't think it's my place to say who she can and can't be friends with, especially seeing as while at uni I lived with 1 other male and 2 females, one of which she was quite jealous of (all housemates were in long term committed relationships like myself, and of course I would never have acted on anything with the one she was jealous of despite finding her attractive which my girlfriend knew and agreed with). Anyway so she was becoming friends with this guy I didn't approve of even though I hadn't met him. He is an employee of her family's business, and I still think he is using her to get in with her parents. The guy is 23 and working in a factory after his own family's business went bankrupt, and he doesn't like his job there so I think he is trying to move up a bit. I am fairly sure he woo'd my girlfriend a bit, and seeing as she had essentially been in a relationship since she was 15, I think it was exciting for her to be getting all this attention from another male. I never particularly had a problem with other guys finding her attractive - two of my best friends have openly said to me they think shes a good looking girl - as I could always trust that most guys know and respect 'the rules' of not seriously hitting on a girl in a relationship. Anyway so I was overseas visiting my brother in New Zealand, when this guy got my girlfriend a bit drunk and they kissed. She didn't tell me this at the time. About a week and a half or 2 weeks after I got back, we had a really lovely Friday night. We went out, had dinner, saw a movie and went back to her place. Her parents were interstate at this time. On the Saturday, the other guy came over. I figured he was going to come over, watch a movie and go home. I tried to call her during the night a few times, and something just didn't seem quite right. I had had a bad night with my dad and really felt as though I didn't have a home at that point (I was basically living out of a backpack between the 3 houses.) The other guy ended up staying the night...to which I found out the next day he stayed in her room allagedly on a pullout bed instead of in the guest room. I expressed my discomfort of this, and in the past she had had another guy who we went to school with (who is the most harmless guy on the planet) and even with him I had suggested I wasn't comfortable with other guys staying in her room. Anyway so on the Sunday we had another nice night together, this time we went out and got take away food which we ate at her home and then we watched a movie and went to bed etc. The next morning she went off to work, and I slept in for a few more hours. I went out to lunch with a friend, and just as I was dropping him home she called me and said we needed to talk. I went and picked her up and we went somewhere private, and she broke up with me. I didn't see it coming at all, and she even said that that morning she didn't know it was going to happen. Obviously, I was shattered. She said that she just feels as though she needs to be single right now and that even though she could only see our relationship moving forward and ending up with us getting married etc, she just needed some time to be herself. The next thing she told me was that on the Saturday night, she slept with the other guy. We spoke about what made her do it and everything, and after a bit of reflection (it's been about a month now) I think I've mostly figured out in my mind most of what has happened. I feel as though maybe due to the fact that she didn't see her friends so much and had been in a relationship for so long, she felt as though she might hold back with meeting new people when she starts with university next week. I think sleeping with this other guy was her way of 'breaking free' and doing something really on her own, as obviously that is something that she would normally only do with me and is something that I guess is very personal to a relationship for many people. In addition to starting uni, she is going to be a nanny/babysitter for a family friends younger kids (13 or something..), and the past year she has gotten very much into sailing on tall ships. Again I feel as though maybe she felt as though she has been missing out on part of being young and doesn't feel that if she's in a relationship right now she will be able to do everything she wants to experience at this point in her life. She also commented that she felt as though the need for her to be single at least temporarily was always going to happen, and that because she had lied to me by cheating on me that now was a time that it needed to happen. She asked me to give her some space and everything, which has been extremely hard for me to do seeing as we spoke every night, I was basically living with her, obviously I love her to bits even after what she's done, and I think most significantly, she is still friends with and seeing the other guy. On the day we broke up I asked her if she could promise me one thing, which was that she wouldn't see him. She said she couldn't promise me that because he's her friend and she needed friends around her to help her through this (She was extremely upset about the whole situation as well, when she told me what she had done she just put her head in her hands and started bawling her eyes out). It's obvious to me that she still really cares about me, otherwise she wouldn't have told me what she had done. Back story completed, now I need some advice. As I mentioned, the past month I've really been struggling to give her space. I've come to the realisation that if I DON'T give her space, I'm going to push her away from me and there will be no chance of us rekindling our relationship which is really what I want to happen. I have also come to the conclusion that the main reason I'm struggling to give her space is that she still sees the other guy. I feel as though if I give her space, this guy is going to continue to woo her and 'move in on my territory' so to speak. I can't just give her up without a fight, if you know what I mean. I went to visit her yesterday and we had a bit of a talk about what I'd been thinking about as far as all this stuff goes, and explained to her the reason I'm struggling to give her space. I think it will be easier once I am at uni again and once she starts uni, as I will be seeing a lot more of other people and she will be so busy making new friends (which is something I WANT her to do), that she might not have time to see this other guy. She seemed to understand where I was coming from and even said that if she were the one in my situation she'd probably feel the same. I really want to prove to her that we're able to be friends, but she doesn't seem to trust herself with being alone with me (the first 2 weeks after the break up we still saw each other a lot and were probably more touchy-feely than we normally would have been, then the last 3 weeks I went to visit my mum in England to try to get away from it all a bit, but we still contacted each other more than we should have.) I guess I just need some advice on how I should approach the next stage in my relationship/friendship with her. I honestly think we're meant to be together and that, in time, if I give her space and everything that we will probably end up back together even if we both see other people for a little while. I'm kind of between a rock and a hard place. I want to give her space, but I feel as though if I do, the other guy is going to woo her and all that. I'd have no problem with other guys, it's just this one guy and the fact that I've convinced myself his intentions aren't good. I mean after all...if he really cared about her he wouldn't have participated in this whole situation in my opinion. What should I do? I'm so confused.. I really want her to let me give her a second chance and rebuild the trust between us, but she doesn't seem ready for that yet.
D78 Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I think you should let her go, get over her, start school, meet new people... and re-evaluate the situation once you're no longer heartbroken. It's only the most basic level of respect for a SO to not sleep in the same room with someone of the opposite sex (unless related, emergency, etc.). That's because sometimes people who do this end up having sex. And, your ex did both - slept in the same room with other guys on more than one occasion even though you asked her not to, and she had sex with one of those guys. And, she is still seeing that guy... How can you trust her again? Why do you want her back? It's possible you're not seeing this situation clearly because of your emotions. I'm sorry she hurt you. I think you'll be better off, regardless of what happens in the future, if you completely separate yourself from her. Build your confidence back up, because, really, no one deserves to be treated like she treated you. Good luck. P.S. Sorry if this sounds rude - your post is waaaaaay tooooooo long. The fact that your ex took a fancy to sailing on tall ships is not really necessary info
Author SmoothJimmy Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 I realised that it was a bit long before I posted but I think being able to tell the whole story was sort of theraputic in a way. For those who didn't want to read everything, here is a condensed version: My ex and I met when she was 15 and I was 16, we went out for about a month before she went on exchange to Europe for 5 months (we live in Australia). When she got back after about a month we started going out again and this lasted just shy of 3 years. We were always extremely happy and very rarely had arguments and when we did they were always over small things and never bad arguments at all. We broke up about a month ago now. With regards to the boat thing mentioned in the first post, I guess I should have explained more, but I'm not sure I even fully realised this until after posting! As was mentioned in the first post, since finishing school she didn't see much of her own friends but mostly saw mine as, however during the final year of high school (2009) we mostly hung out with my friends anyway. When we first met she only really had 3 close friends, two of which she didn't actually like and the other is quite manipulative and not a good friend (I was friends with her at one point but wised up to her ways), and I realised yesterday that this was probably because before going out with me, about a year earlier she had been in a relationship that lasted about 9 months, and they shared a group of friends, but after she broke it off the friends largely chose her partner. Anyway so back on topic: she didn't see much of her own friends. About 6 months ago she went on a sailing trip, and this is where I would say any issues we had probably started. The sailing trip was for people under 23 only, and as we are both 19 turning 20, obviously she made lots of friends with new people and all that. Despite not having that many of her own friends, she's one of the most lovely and likeable people you would ever meet - everyone who knows her loves her, it's just that for some reason she tends to have a lot of acquaintances rather than a few good friends. Thinking about it now, she probably came back from this first sailing trip and realised she didn't really spend time with anyone we went to school with anymore, except for myself, my best friend (who is good friends with her also - he more or less introduced us inadvertantly), and the manipulative friend mentioned earlier. Fast forward a few months, and she went on another sailing trip, this one not for people of any age group, but typically they all seemed to be around the same age. This one was a lot more relaxed from what I could tell, and again she made a lot of new friends who she unsurprisingly wasn't able to see much of due to distance etc (the participants of BOTH trips were from all over Australia). As I mentioned, I think she was worried about not seeing enough of her friends. I think after this second trip is where the problems with other guys and all that started. She got back from the second trip in November from memory. The day she got back I assumed I'd be going straight to her house to see her, but one of the people from the ship from another state was staying in the state we live in for a few days, so she said he could stay over and she would show him the city and everything. That was all completely fine, but the problem was that she was putting someone else who she had just spent a week with in front of her partner who she hadn't seen for a few weeks. In the end, after speaking with her parents and everything, I ended up visiting her that evening and the other guy was there too, and he was a really nice guy and it was all fine. The next thing was that a guy we went to school with, also a perfectly nice guy, came over to her house. No problem with that whatsoever, except that when he stayed over he slept on a pullout bed in her room. The reason for this is that her brother, despite having a somewhat longterm girlfriend, refuses to buy a double/queen bed for his bedroom and, as the girlfriend is always there staying over as an unwelcome guest, the two of them always take over the guest room which has a queen bed. That part is more important than it sounds. I expressed my discomfort of another guy staying in her room, but because of who it was she kind of brushed it off a bit. Come mid December, she has begun work in her parents business. Part of her job involved speaking to workers in their warehouse on the phone, and she ended up having coffee and becoming friends with one of them. I expressed my discomfort about her becoming friends with one of her families employees, because I thought he would try to use her to get to her parents and move up in his job. I could tell she was a bit funny about not having a group of her own friends who she saw enough, so I probably wasn't as assertive about my discomfort as I should have been. Hindsight is an ugly thing I guess.. fast forward about another month, mid January now, and she is still friends with this guy. I was overseas, so she attended a new years party with him, she's gone out for drinks with him and his friends a bit, and it is clear as day to me what he's up to. He's been wooing her and showing her a good time and all that, and she ended up having him over one evening. Her parents were away interstate on business together, and this guy stayed the night. I knew he was at her house, but didn't realise he would be staying the night, let alone staying in her room on the aforementioned pullout bed. Long story short, they ended up sleeping together on the Saturday night, and on the Monday we broke up because she felt like she needed to be single, something she said she thought was going to happen eventually anyway, and that now seemed like the right time to do it due to what had happened. Something else I should mention is that maybe a week before she said to me she felt as though she might cheat on me eventually, to which I replied along the lines of "I'd still love you even if you did", which in my mind was supposed to reassure her how much I cared about her etc, but it turns out that in her mind she was looking for a reason to not cheat and I didn't give her one but in a way almost gave her permission. The thing is though I figured if it ever did happen, we would stay together and try to work through it, not end up broken up. I always thought to myself I'd be able to forgive someone for cheating once, but she hasn't given me the opportunity to do that yet. Another important piece in this puzzle is that she is starting university soon, and seeing as she took a year off after finishing high school, as well as going to a uni where not many people from our school tended to go to, I think this compounded the issue of meeting new friends again. I think maybe on the ships she felt like she was holding back from meeting new people due to being in a relationship, and presumably she feels like the same will happen again when she starts uni. The reason I think I'm finding it hard to let go despite the obvious breach in respect and trust and everything associated with cheating on me and also not being there for me when I really needed her to be (read first post if you need more explanation), is that I know this isn't her. I feel as though she is having an identity crisis and because I love her so much I don't want to lose her over something that I know we could work through and make ourselves stronger and with a better relationship in the long run. I realise this post has ended up way too long as well, but as I wrote at the start I think just writing this stuff down is theraputic and helps me come to terms with stuff in my own mind a bit as well. I've read that some people find it helpful to keep a journal or similar, and I guess this is sort of like that for me but with feedback and advice from others.. Long story short, even though it may seem like she has really stuffed up big time, and she has, I know that this isn't what she's like deep down and I care about her too much to just let her go in this situation..I just want to help her through it:confused:
Author SmoothJimmy Posted February 21, 2011 Author Posted February 21, 2011 Apologies for a double post, but again putting stuff down in words has made me realise other things As I mentioned in the above post, my best friend was more or less the reason I met my ex. I won't go into the full details, but basically she had a crush on him, had both of us and the manipulative friend over to her house, and then the two of us stayed up all night just talking and from there I knew I loved her. Before this I'd barely ever spoken to her - she only invited me so that it wouldn't seem weird that he was invited over haha Anyway so my best friend and my ex are quite good friends. As I guess when things like this happen, he did seem to sort of take sides with me a bit, but I'm confident that they're still close deep down. He often speaks with her about issues that he has with his girlfriend and I guess she is a bit of a confidant for him. I'm seeing him tomorrow afternoon, on what would have been our 3 year anniversary coincidentally, so I think I might say to him why don't you try to return the favour and speak to her about what she's been thinking and all that. I've tried to speak to her about it, but not surprisingly emotion often gets in the way and it doesn't really end up well, as well as the fact that she obviously doesn't really feel comfortable speaking to her ex about certain things which is fair enough... Obviously she might not want to speak to him, but I really think she needs to be able to speak to someone about this who she is close with, who is caring and who is unrelated to the whole fiasco. She tried to speak with the manipulative selfish friend but she just spoke about herself for ages before even mentioning the situation of me, and somehow I don't think speaking to the guy she cheated with would help much...
Recommended Posts