Inspiration

[White Flower]

I once saw an episode of Oprah in which a couple overcame a husband's infidelity. The wife was terribly hurt by the knowledge of how often and how wild the passion was between his fOW and her H. Instead of seething in jealousy and anger, she decided to use the facts to her advantage as inspiration to improve her M. She asked her fWH to make love to her in every spot he made love to the fOW. It worked for them, and she said the affair was the best thing to happen to their M as it spiced up their sex life.

 

It was recently conveyed to me that an OW could never ever under any circumstance be an inspiration for a W, betrayed or otherwise. I disagree.

 

I have done volunteer work for years, was a returning student after raising (and during raising) my kids. I wore lots of sexy lingerie for my xMM, and I was into some light role playing with him.

 

xMM reported to me that after numerous D-days and W finding my letters, she began to try to be more like me. She tried wearing lingerie and role playing, went back to school, and tried to get into the same volunteer work we were doing for years that she always abhored. Even MM's IC told him to tell her that since she didn't like that kind of volunteering before, and would never participate in it with him she certainly wasn't allowed to do it now!!! So she found a similar project in order to appease him.

 

Now, I get inspiration. It is contageous no matter who sets the inspiration, we can (or should) all agree on that.

 

But is losing who we are really good for us in order to impress the man who has fallen out of love with us? xMM told me he found it all pathetic, down to the pitcher of milk she left next to his cereal bowl each morning after D-day. She never served him breakfast before. He sensed that things would be sugary sweet for a while, but when it all blows over she'll just become who she always was before, which is a good thing! Nobody should have to change who they are in order to keep someone else. Either you're right for each other or you're not. You can't force it.

 

So, two questions.

 

1. Can an OW be an isnpiration for a W? (regardless of how much you hate OW)

2. Should a person change who they are in order to keep a loveless M together?

 

If you can answer with thoughtfulness and dignity you are welcome to join the conversation. If not, I will block you.

 

Thank you in advance for your kindness.

[OWoman]

So, two questions.

 

1. Can an OW be an isnpiration for a W? (regardless of how much you hate OW)

2. Should a person change who they are in order to keep a loveless M together?

 

1. Yes, if the W approaches the matter with openness and a willingness to learn.

 

Same way anyone can learn from anyone else. It's a matter of recognising that they have something to show you. I have learned things from people I hated - I spent 12 years in school, after all - as well as from people I respected or admired and liked. Sometimes positive, sometimes negative. But learning is certainly possible.

 

2. A person should only change who they are if who they are is negative / harmful to them. Otherwise it will not be sustainable, and may well become negative or harmful to themselves.

 

Faking in a R simply reduces the R to fakery.

[jthorne]

1. Once the OW is out of the picture, the M is really none of her business. She should move on with her own life, instead of focusing on theirs.

 

2. I take issue with the "loveless" assumption. (An OW might wish to believe that to make themselves better, but see #1.) If the M is completely loveless and the children are grown, the WS has no reason to stay. Therefore, something else is keeping him there since his duty has already been fulfilled.

[SuzieWong]

You ask a very wise question. When I find out my husband was with his other person after he had sai he was not I think my heart was breaking. It made me think so much about the kin of man he was and who I was.

 

If I had the belief that we should stay togther after that she would have inspired me to try to make a happier marriage.

 

I am too proud for that. I could not pretend to be someone who is not me. This I do not regret.

 

My lovers wife could take inspiration from me and have greater understanding of his culture. She is American and she does not understand the his values system. She does not try or care. I think she is a bad wife.

[BB07]

I once saw an episode of Oprah in which a couple overcame a husband's infidelity. The wife was terribly hurt by the knowledge of how often and how wild the passion was between his fOW and her H. Instead of seething in jealousy and anger, she decided to use the facts to her advantage as inspiration to improve her M. She asked her fWH to make love to her in every spot he made love to the fOW. It worked for them, and she said the affair was the best thing to happen to their M as it spiced up their sex life.

 

It was recently conveyed to me that an OW could never ever under any circumstance be an inspiration for a W, betrayed or otherwise. I disagree.

 

I have done volunteer work for years, was a returning student after raising (and during raising) my kids. I wore lots of sexy lingerie for my xMM, and I was into some light role playing with him.

 

xMM reported to me that after numerous D-days and W finding my letters, she began to try to be more like me. She tried wearing lingerie and role playing, went back to school, and tried to get into the same volunteer work we were doing for years that she always abhored. Even MM's IC told him to tell her that since she didn't like that kind of volunteering before, and would never participate in it with him she certainly wasn't allowed to do it now!!! So she found a similar project in order to appease him.

 

Now, I get inspiration. It is contageous no matter who sets the inspiration, we can (or should) all agree on that.

 

But is losing who we are really good for us in order to impress the man who has fallen out of love with us? xMM told me he found it all pathetic, down to the pitcher of milk she left next to his cereal bowl each morning after D-day. She never served him breakfast before. He sensed that things would be sugary sweet for a while, but when it all blows over she'll just become who she always was before, which is a good thing! Nobody should have to change who they are in order to keep someone else. Either you're right for each other or you're not. You can't force it.

 

So, two questions.

 

1. Can an OW be an isnpiration for a W? (regardless of how much you hate OW)

2. Should a person change who they are in order to keep a loveless M together?

 

If you can answer with thoughtfulness and dignity you are welcome to join the conversation. If not, I will block you.

 

Thank you in advance for your kindness.

 

Wake up calls can come in strange ways. Perhaps the woman on Oprah realized their sex life had gotten boring and their passion was missing. So she decided she wanted that umppp factor back.

 

As for your questions.

1. I don't see that happening, maybe I'm wrong but I don't. I would think that once the anger passes the goal would be indifference.

2. A person can't change the fundamental core of who they are. They may pretend they are someone else for a while but it won't last.

 

If I have to pretend I'm someone I'm not...........well f that and don't let the door hit you in the ass when you leave. Love should not be so hard!

[jj33]

WF Ive never been in that situation but I think many people morph themselves in relationships but that is usually when they are new.

 

If i was with someone and knew that there were things I could be doing that would make the relationshp happier I probably would. However if the relationshp is loveless what is the point?

 

Unless of course you have other reasons for wanting the marriage to continue.

 

 

The thing is if what the OW brings to the marriage is real sincere desire and interest in and for the H as a man, and the W no longer feels that way, its unlikely (or so it seems to me) that she is going to break out the lingerie.

 

If kids and other things made us focus on us less as a couple that is one thing, but that is not loveless.

 

Just my 2cents

[wheelwright]

So, two questions.

 

1. Can an OW be an isnpiration for a W? (regardless of how much you hate OW)

2. Should a person change who they are in order to keep a loveless M together?

 

If you can answer with thoughtfulness and dignity you are welcome to join the conversation. If not, I will block you.

 

Thank you in advance for your kindness.

 

Both these questions seem to contain an inherent sadness. I mean the very idea of them means something is broke and needs fixing.

 

1. I can't really see how this is possible. We know about hysterical bonding, and I believe that sometimes happens. It's very animalistic - reclaiming territory. In that way the affair R inspires sex and passion. I would not say that equates to the OW/OM being an inspiration to the BS. In fact I would say the OW/OM's situation probably makes people afraid of being single and hence divorce.

 

When I have been on the BS side of infidelity I just thought that the OW was someone who did not have my interests at heart, and therefore was not a friend.

 

2. This is related to 1. Of course not. But in personal development change and transformation are vital. Some people might change for the better through being a BS or WS. This is their personal journey and to my mind it would be a mistake if this were done in the spirit of emulation.

 

But if someone wants to explore sides of themself previously unexplored, could be a good thing.

 

If as in your Oprah story someone finds an inner 'whore' where there may have been frigidity, bravo. But in IMO this is a woman exploring herself. The OW may inspire that to a degree. But inspiration is not cause and effect.

 

True change is not about copying.

 

It is creativity at work.

 

Edit - I worked through these ideas as I wrote. So answer to 1. is yes, 2. no.

Edited February 21, 2011 by wheelwright
final thoughts

[fooled once]

So, two questions.

 

1. Can an OW be an isnpiration for a W? (regardless of how much you hate OW)

2. Should a person change who they are in order to keep a loveless M together?

 

If you can answer with thoughtfulness and dignity you are welcome to join the conversation. If not, I will block you.

 

Thank you in advance for your kindness.

 

1. I don't know. For me, when I was in an affair, I have no idea what happened between him and his wife after I ended things. I guess if an OW can be an inspiration to a W, a W can be an inspiration to a OW. I think this goes hand in hand with competition. I believe that many times, there is competition between the two people for the one person (OW/Wife competing for MM; OM/Husband competing for wife). Kinda like when kids are playing - I found many times that you can be a group of friends - meaning two best friends or a group of more than 3 best friends - but it couldn't be 3 because sometimes someone always felt left out.

 

2. I don't think a person should change UNLESS they want to change. No person should change for another person. They should change because they want to or because they feel that they need to. Such as someone who has been walked on all their live may feel that they are tired of that and decide to start standing up for themselves better (my older brother is a perfect example of this!) or someone who has always been narrow minded become more broader minded about things because of an event in their life (funny enough, my younger brother changed dramatically after the unexpected sudden death of his 3 year old daughter). Some people do change after they discover religion, a serious disease or have something powerful happen to them. I don't personally see change as a bad thing. I think we do the majority of growing when we change. I didn't comment on the "loveless marriage" part because I think change can happen to anyone at anytime - no matter their marital status.

[seren]

Hi WF,

To answer honestly, the OW had nothing that I would want to emulate. Not saying this to disparage her, just the truth. I didn't need an OW to be the inspiration for upping my game or to encourage me to buy sexy lingerie or have a hot sex life. H and I were still intimate and have always had a great sexual connection.

To answer the second part, again I wouldn't change who I was to become like OW. It has taken a dammed long time to become the woman that I am and I like me. For me to change would mean that I recognised that H was looking outside the marriage for something he wanted other than me, what he looked for was something other than himself, and as he found out, you cannot run away from you.

 

To answer generally, I think that after D Day for a BS to be aware of the more intimate details of the A and the character of the OW means that a lot of straight talking has taken place. it might be that both the MM and the W have discussed what each needs or wants from the other to reconcile. A BS who tries to be like an OW is, in my book, trying to say to her H, 'look at me, I can do that for you, if that's what you want' and very often the MM will not want her to because he wants the W and not the OW, otherwise, why stay.

 

I would say each and every situation is of course different, but IME and the telling by others, this isn't a common scenario. The woman on Oprah sounds very sad and desperate to please her H, I would hope that she wakes up and realises that change is a two way street and encourages him to look at why he chose to have an A rather than leave or fix what was broken in himself.

 

I don't think many people change simply to save a loveless marriage. Most change when they realise that they have taken their eye off the ball or when life has become mundane and realise that they want to save a marriage because there is love. I don't really know anyone who has stayed in a loveless marriage, especially when a D Day opens the door to finding a better relationship.

 

Hysterical bonding as it is called does see a time of feelings like it was in the early days, it is primal and sees the reconnected couple rediscovering all the early relationship passion. It doesn't necessarily go away, it's like drowning and both holding onto a life raft with neither letting go. In most instances this results in a strengthened relationship despite the A. The hard work needed to repair a M usually sees people pulling together, not pushing apart.

[bentnotbroken]

For me, the ow could not ever be an inspiration for me because of her behavior. And for me, I don't believe my marriage was loveless, I believe i loved me more than he did and in that instance....I loved me enough to want the best for me.

[wheelwright]

Hi WF,

To answer honestly, the OW had nothing that I would want to emulate. Not saying this to disparage her, just the truth. I didn't need an OW to be the inspiration for upping my game or to encourage me to buy sexy lingerie or have a hot sex life. H and I were still intimate and have always had a great sexual connection.

To answer the second part, again I wouldn't change who I was to become like OW. It has taken a dammed long time to become the woman that I am and I like me. For me to change would mean that I recognised that H was looking outside the marriage for something he wanted other than me, what he looked for was something other than himself, and as he found out, you cannot run away from you.

 

To answer generally, I think that after D Day for a BS to be aware of the more intimate details of the A and the character of the OW means that a lot of straight talking has taken place. it might be that both the MM and the W have discussed what each needs or wants from the other to reconcile. A BS who tries to be like an OW is, in my book, trying to say to her H, 'look at me, I can do that for you, if that's what you want' and very often the MM will not want her to because he wants the W and not the OW, otherwise, why stay.

 

I would say each and every situation is of course different, but IME and the telling by others, this isn't a common scenario. The woman on Oprah sounds very sad and desperate to please her H, I would hope that she wakes up and realises that change is a two way street and encourages him to look at why he chose to have an A rather than leave or fix what was broken in himself.

 

I don't think many people change simply to save a loveless marriage. Most change when they realise that they have taken their eye off the ball or when life has become mundane and realise that they want to save a marriage because there is love. I don't really know anyone who has stayed in a loveless marriage, especially when a D Day opens the door to finding a better relationship.

 

Hysterical bonding as it is called does see a time of feelings like it was in the early days, it is primal and sees the reconnected couple rediscovering all the early relationship passion. It doesn't necessarily go away, it's like drowning and both holding onto a life raft with neither letting go. In most instances this results in a strengthened relationship despite the A. The hard work needed to repair a M usually sees people pulling together, not pushing apart.

 

Nice post Seren.

 

Has anyone suggested a 'like' button on LS?

[White Flower]

1. Yes, if the W approaches the matter with openness and a willingness to learn.

 

Same way anyone can learn from anyone else. It's a matter of recognising that they have something to show you. I have learned things from people I hated - I spent 12 years in school, after all - as well as from people I respected or admired and liked. Sometimes positive, sometimes negative. But learning is certainly possible.

 

2. A person should only change who they are if who they are is negative / harmful to them. Otherwise it will not be sustainable, and may well become negative or harmful to themselves.

 

Faking in a R simply reduces the R to fakery.

Nice responses Owoman!

 

You ask a very wise question. When I find out my husband was with his other person after he had sai he was not I think my heart was breaking. It made me think so much about the kin of man he was and who I was.

 

If I had the belief that we should stay togther after that she would have inspired me to try to make a happier marriage.

 

I am too proud for that. I could not pretend to be someone who is not me. This I do not regret.

 

My lovers wife could take inspiration from me and have greater understanding of his culture. She is American and she does not understand the his values system. She does not try or care. I think she is a bad wife.

Thank you Susie.

Wake up calls can come in strange ways. Perhaps the woman on Oprah realized their sex life had gotten boring and their passion was missing. So she decided she wanted that umppp factor back.

 

As for your questions.

1. I don't see that happening, maybe I'm wrong but I don't. I would think that once the anger passes the goal would be indifference.

2. A person can't change the fundamental core of who they are. They may pretend they are someone else for a while but it won't last.

 

If I have to pretend I'm someone I'm not...........well f that and don't let the door hit you in the ass when you leave. Love should not be so hard!

Thank you BB, but I don't believe indifference is ever a goal; I think it is just a natural evolution that we find ourselves in and having to deal with once it is brought to our attention.

WF Ive never been in that situation but I think many people morph themselves in relationships but that is usually when they are new.

 

If i was with someone and knew that there were things I could be doing that would make the relationshp happier I probably would. However if the relationshp is loveless what is the point?

 

Unless of course you have other reasons for wanting the marriage to continue.

 

 

The thing is if what the OW brings to the marriage is real sincere desire and interest in and for the H as a man, and the W no longer feels that way, its unlikely (or so it seems to me) that she is going to break out the lingerie.

 

If kids and other things made us focus on us less as a couple that is one thing, but that is not loveless.

 

Just my 2cents

JJ I remember when my exH had an EA. I definitely upped my game, but found that I became very tired and saddened that my efforts didn't make my H love me any better as I had hoped. Realizing this, I went back to being me, comfortable in my own skin.

[xxoo]

xMM reported to me that after numerous D-days and W finding my letters, she began to try to be more like me.

 

I wonder if, from her perspective, she was interested in being like you, or if she was interested in being desirable to her H. Some of her H's desires were revealed through his affair with you. It doesn't necessarily mean that she values those characteristics or behaviors, beyond the desirability that they create in the eyes of her H.

 

About change--I do think that people should be willing to try new things, and step out of the proverbial box, to rekindle a cold marriage. I've read that trying new things together is a good way to keep the "spark" in a marriage, because the passion and rush shared trying a new activity can translate into passion in the relationship.

 

Should someone continue activities that they try and don't enjoy, faking enjoyment? No, I don't think so.

[whichwayisup]

1. Can an OW be an isnpiration for a W? (regardless of how much you hate OW)

 

I'd like to know if a man would find the OM inspirational? A BH trying to be like the MM or OM? Reverse the question.. I think a woman might be able to do this, but not a man.

 

Anyway, I think it would have to take a strong person, someone who has no ego and is quite confident and not insecure, accepting it is what it is. Also, another important aspect, would be total encouragment on behalf of the CS, if that makes sense.

 

 

2. Should a person change who they are in order to keep a loveless M together?

 

It takes two, one person can't do all the changing, and hope things will be better. Do you mean change behaviours, or changing WHO they are overall?

[Distant78]

I'm sorry but affairs are not inspiration in any way, shape, or form.

[xxoo]

xMM reported to me that after numerous D-days and W finding my letters, she began to try to be more like me. ss.

 

It seems sad that he interpreted her behavior as trying to be like you, rather than trying to be desirable to him. It sounds like real, humbling effort on her part to please him--and he's dismissing it as "pathetic"

[BeachBetty]

I think it depends on the personality of the person.

 

Some people are angry and hurt at the betrayal and don't want to be reminded of the reason for it.

 

Other people might see it as a way to reclaim their M so yes it could be an inspiration.

 

Whatever you want to call it, it's definitely a wake up call that the M is in crisis. And neglecting it isn't working.

[White Flower]

Both these questions seem to contain an inherent sadness. I mean the very idea of them means something is broke and needs fixing.

I beg to differ on the first statement, but wholeheartedly agree on the second; even though the 'fixing' may be impossible for some.

 

 

1. I can't really see how this is possible. We know about hysterical bonding, and I believe that sometimes happens. It's very animalistic - reclaiming territory. In that way the affair R inspires sex and passion. I would not say that equates to the OW/OM being an inspiration to the BS. In fact I would say the OW/OM's situation probably makes people afraid of being single and hence divorce.

 

When I have been on the BS side of infidelity I just thought that the OW was someone who did not have my interests at heart, and therefore was not a friend.

What if the inspiration has nothing to do with HB? What if it is a new pattern that lasts forever in an effort to keep the sex alive in the M? HB implies that it ends after a short period, and then the sex life returns to normal or maybe even non-existent in some cases.

 

Further, someone who doesn't have your best interest nor your friend can still have qualities that you admire and hope to have for yourself one day. I can admit that xMM's W was determined in her daily workout routine. I admire that, and am inspired to be more like her in that way. Why would she not be inspired to be open-minded like me, for example, and try to make her H more comfortable in telling her all his secrets? She doesn't have to like the whole person to admire certain qualities in them.

 

2. This is related to 1. Of course not. But in personal development change and transformation are vital. Some people might change for the better through being a BS or WS. This is their personal journey and to my mind it would be a mistake if this were done in the spirit of emulation.

 

But if someone wants to explore sides of themself previously unexplored, could be a good thing.

 

If as in your Oprah story someone finds an inner 'whore' where there may have been frigidity, bravo. But in IMO this is a woman exploring herself. The OW may inspire that to a degree. But inspiration is not cause and effect.

 

True change is not about copying.

 

It is creativity at work.

 

Edit - I worked through these ideas as I wrote. So answer to 1. is yes, 2. no.

WW, number 2 is not mutually exclusive with number 1; however, in the Oprah case it is--but with an unually great outcome. I hoped to get answers based on them being related of course, but also of them being separate issues. Further, I don't believe it will have the greatest outcome for xMM and his W because I know the 40+ year history of lack of chemistry.

 

In the case of the couple on Oprah it really seemed to work. They glowed with happiness and sexuality which made me wonder why the WH cheated on the W at all. She ACTED very much IMHO like an OW! She was sexy and very vixen-like, yet, that is generalizing and of course we OW are not all the same.

 

Their ending wasn't sad, but I do feel it was very unusual.

[SidLyon]

I...

So, two questions.

 

1. Can an OW be an isnpiration for a W? (regardless of how much you hate OW)

2. Should a person change who they are in order to keep a loveless M together?

 

If you can answer with thoughtfulness and dignity you are welcome to join the conversation. If not, I will block you.

 

Thank you in advance for your kindness.

 

First of all it's sad for you W/F that your xMM seems to be staying in what is for him a loveless marriage. Although judging by your description of his BW she is making an effort to show him she loves him. This says an awful lot about him and the kind of person he is that he would do this to people (both you and she) who care for him. The fact that he tells you these things about his BW shows how lacking in empathy he is for her, and a terrible lack of discretion of his part.

 

To answer your questions:

 

1. For me the OW was not personally any sort of inspiration to me. We are nothing alike, so me trying to become more like her would have been an awful struggle for me and ultimately my H would have been appalled to be honest. However the situation (ie the my H's affair with her), certainly inspired me to strive for change. Not to reinvent myself but to work out what was important to me and how to have a good and loving marriage with my H. I've discovered it's a process, that we can't just sit back and say "well we're there now, we don't have to do anything else" because this would likely put us back to where we were before. We are enjoying the process and with it our lives.

 

2. This is a somewhat loaded question and the obvious answer is no. A loveless marriage can be resurrected in my view, but it requires input from both parties. Change is essential (otherwise nothing changes) but "changing who they are" is not the answer.

 

BTW this question mainly seems to be directed at people who are BW/BH so it will be interesting to see if OW/OM feel able to give genuine answers if they haven't personally experienced it.

Edited February 21, 2011 by SidLyon

[White Flower]

1. I don't know. For me, when I was in an affair, I have no idea what happened between him and his wife after I ended things. I guess if an OW can be an inspiration to a W, a W can be an inspiration to a OW. I think this goes hand in hand with competition. I believe that many times, there is competition between the two people for the one person (OW/Wife competing for MM; OM/Husband competing for wife). Kinda like when kids are playing - I found many times that you can be a group of friends - meaning two best friends or a group of more than 3 best friends - but it couldn't be 3 because sometimes someone always felt left out.

 

2. I don't think a person should change UNLESS they want to change. No person should change for another person. They should change because they want to or because they feel that they need to. Such as someone who has been walked on all their live may feel that they are tired of that and decide to start standing up for themselves better (my older brother is a perfect example of this!) or someone who has always been narrow minded become more broader minded about things because of an event in their life (funny enough, my younger brother changed dramatically after the unexpected sudden death of his 3 year old daughter). Some people do change after they discover religion, a serious disease or have something powerful happen to them. I don't personally see change as a bad thing. I think we do the majority of growing when we change. I didn't comment on the "loveless marriage" part because I think change can happen to anyone at anytime - no matter their marital status.

FO, I was told that W was very competitive. I am not by nature, not when it comes to a man. If he wants me and I'm in love, great. If he doesn't he only needs to tell me once and I'm gone. Love is so much more satisfying when it is mutual and I won't force anyone to stay with me who doesn't want to.

 

I agree, a W can just as easily be an inspiration to an OW as an OW can be to a W. Even if the W is mean:bunny:. Seriously though, I'm sure she has some attributes I would admire had I ever met her.

 

Change due to personal growth is excellent; changing your basic nature in order to guilt someone to stay with you is another. xMM anticipates (and always has anytime there was a change after a D-day with other OW) that W will go back to normal once she feels the threat has disappeared.

 

I really feel sorry for him this time because once she feels the threat has lifted completely, I won't be there to take him back. It surely is dismal for him this time.

[White Flower]

Hi WF,

To answer honestly, the OW had nothing that I would want to emulate. Not saying this to disparage her, just the truth. I didn't need an OW to be the inspiration for upping my game or to encourage me to buy sexy lingerie or have a hot sex life. H and I were still intimate and have always had a great sexual connection.

To answer the second part, again I wouldn't change who I was to become like OW. It has taken a dammed long time to become the woman that I am and I like me. For me to change would mean that I recognised that H was looking outside the marriage for something he wanted other than me, what he looked for was something other than himself, and as he found out, you cannot run away from you.

 

To answer generally, I think that after D Day for a BS to be aware of the more intimate details of the A and the character of the OW means that a lot of straight talking has taken place. it might be that both the MM and the W have discussed what each needs or wants from the other to reconcile. A BS who tries to be like an OW is, in my book, trying to say to her H, 'look at me, I can do that for you, if that's what you want' and very often the MM will not want her to because he wants the W and not the OW, otherwise, why stay.

 

I would say each and every situation is of course different, but IME and the telling by others, this isn't a common scenario. The woman on Oprah sounds very sad and desperate to please her H, I would hope that she wakes up and realises that change is a two way street and encourages him to look at why he chose to have an A rather than leave or fix what was broken in himself.

 

I don't think many people change simply to save a loveless marriage. Most change when they realise that they have taken their eye off the ball or when life has become mundane and realise that they want to save a marriage because there is love. I don't really know anyone who has stayed in a loveless marriage, especially when a D Day opens the door to finding a better relationship.

 

Hysterical bonding as it is called does see a time of feelings like it was in the early days, it is primal and sees the reconnected couple rediscovering all the early relationship passion. It doesn't necessarily go away, it's like drowning and both holding onto a life raft with neither letting go. In most instances this results in a strengthened relationship despite the A. The hard work needed to repair a M usually sees people pulling together, not pushing apart.

Seren, your H's A is a mystery to me. You're so delicious in just about every way that I'm sure he just lost his mind for a while. It is apparent in the way he cries with sorrow to you, makes love to you often, and seems to live for you and you alone. I can truly see why, in your case, the OW simply doesn't inspire you at all. Perhaps in this case, the W was the inspiration? I'm sure it was.

[White Flower]

For me, the ow could not ever be an inspiration for me because of her behavior. And for me, I don't believe my marriage was loveless, I believe i loved me more than he did and in that instance....I loved me enough to want the best for me.

Bent, knowing your story I have to agree. She seemed trashy in her behavior and how could that be an inspiration?

 

Further, your H was just a bad H. I'm so GLAD you loved you more than him--it got you to the good place you are in today!

[White Flower]

I wonder if, from her perspective, she was interested in being like you, or if she was interested in being desirable to her H. Some of her H's desires were revealed through his affair with you. It doesn't necessarily mean that she values those characteristics or behaviors, beyond the desirability that they create in the eyes of her H.

 

About change--I do think that people should be willing to try new things, and step out of the proverbial box, to rekindle a cold marriage. I've read that trying new things together is a good way to keep the "spark" in a marriage, because the passion and rush shared trying a new activity can translate into passion in the relationship.

 

Should someone continue activities that they try and don't enjoy, faking enjoyment? No, I don't think so.

Thank you XXOO:)

[bentnotbroken]

Bent, knowing your story I have to agree. She seemed trashy in her behavior and how could that be an inspiration?

 

Further, your H was just a bad H. I'm so GLAD you loved you more than him--it got you to the good place you are in today!

 

Ahhh. :love::love:The great place I am.

[seren]

Not all A's are about sex, not all marriages are cold and not all people in A's have a loveless marriage. of course after D Day the BS asks, Why her/him? in an attempt to understand why that particular person. If the MM suddenly said he had his desire for a particuar sex act satisfied, they might discuss how they can introduce that into their lives.

 

For a BS to try to emulate an OW suggests that the BS thinks that if she was more like her then H wouldn't have cheated. Which, IMO is sort of change after the fact and pointless as if the MM had really wanted to stay with the person the OW was, then D Day would have given him the opportunity to do so. It is often that during the A that the OW tries to compete with the BS, not that it is a competition that would imply all know they are in competition. After an A there is a discussion about the new rules and boundaries within the M, it can open up discussion about, I dislike this or that, but very often the OW really doesn't come up in the conversation.

 

I remember apologising to H because I had my sweats on after work, his response was that I didn't need to be anyone other than who I was as that was the person he loved. To change as someone said, requires two people to want the change and two peope to discuss if anything needs changing.

 

I can see how, while self esteem is low that some BS blame themselves and try to up the ante, but the same applies to the WS who paddles like hell to be the man he thinks his BS wants him to be If it isn't true, then it will undoubtedly fail. But the staying in a loveless marriage, sorry but just sounds like BS to me.