Inspiration

[pureinheart]

FO, I was told that W was very competitive. I am not by nature, not when it comes to a man. If he wants me and I'm in love, great. If he doesn't he only needs to tell me once and I'm gone. Love is so much more satisfying when it is mutual and I won't force anyone to stay with me who doesn't want to.

 

 

This is me to a tee...well said WF

[SoMovinOn]

You are who you are. Pretending to be something else to try to save a marriage is bad for you, bad for the marriage. Why fight to keep something that is wrong? Accept that things are different than when you got married - move on. Otherwise, you just both end up miserable.

 

This couple on Oprah... have them check back in 5 years. Let's see how that's working for them.

[White Flower]

1. Once the OW is out of the picture, the M is really none of her business. She should move on with her own life, instead of focusing on theirs.

 

2. I take issue with the "loveless" assumption. (An OW might wish to believe that to make themselves better, but see #1.) If the M is completely loveless and the children are grown, the WS has no reason to stay. Therefore, something else is keeping him there since his duty has already been fulfilled.

 

Jthorne if you want to play at least play br the rules. Number one was a yes or no question. And where in my post does it say I haven't moved on? Pay attention please.

 

Yes you are right that something else is keeping him there but it isn't love. He sat her down and told her he didn't love her, but she begged him to stay and reminded him of all the trinkets (50K trinkets!) that she'd paid for, and made many other deals with him. He's a jerk. He can be bought.

[White Flower]

I agree, nothing constructive comes from focussing on others' marriages.

 

And there is no way of knowing both sides of what really goes on within a M, anyway.

 

It's funny when you state it that way, as if I've just picked some random couple to study from the outside looking in. If you've never been the OW then you can't know this is further from the truth. We are the confidante, we hear the phone conversations, we have mutual friends with inside scoops that confirm what we've already been told.

 

You don't really believe I would post what I post without knowing it was true do you? Bah! How would that serve me?

 

This has been a pretty good discussion with clear and thoughtful responses. Let's keep it that way.

[White Flower]

This is me to a tee...well said WF

 

Thank you PIH!

[truered1]

Im sorry. I am having a hard time decoding your question. No offense please.

[findingnemo]

 

So, two questions.

 

1. Can an OW be an isnpiration for a W? (regardless of how much you hate OW)

2. Should a person change who they are in order to keep a loveless M together?

 

If you can answer with thoughtfulness and dignity you are welcome to join the conversation. If not, I will block you.

 

Thank you in advance for your kindness.

 

Great Question WF,

 

1. Yes in a way. An OW can and many times has become an inspiration for the W whether the W knows it or not IMO. Why? or How? People change especially women. We get pregnant, give birth, have sleepless nights and longs days for the first few years of our childrens birth. We get out of shape and many times opt for comfort clothes (I did). Sometimes we are not as physically attractive and our sense of humour is shot. So H has an A. The OW is slim, fit, funny and very well-groomed. BW sees her and a light bulb goes off. She goes to the gym, buys new clothes and adds some spice and frequency to sexual encounters with M. It is not an emulation of the OW per se. It is the BW's first reaction to finding out ie. "OW looks fabulous and I don't anymore. Maybe that's the problem???"

 

2. I think that we should be honest and admit that if your H is not an a**hole by nature and has an A, perhaps one needs to change back to what one was before. My H used to tell me when I looked my worst that he saw me with his heart. Total BS...he cheated with girls who looked just like I had before babies. When I went to the gym and shaped up, (I did this for me, not him), he started to come on to me all the time. But NO, a loveless M is really a dead end with no help in sight. But if there once was love, both parties need to make some serious changes to keep the M together.

 

Did you mean to say a loveless M in your second question or a M that has lost the spark of love? Two different things IMO.

[OWoman]

I agree, nothing constructive comes from focussing on others' marriages.

 

This is an interesting comment in the light of the sustained obsession (here, and on another board which may not be named) with my and GEL's Ms...

[OWoman]

Therefore, something else is keeping him there since his duty has already been fulfilled.

 

 

Assuming that that "something else" is love is at least as big an assumption as assuming that the M is loveless.

 

The actions around the A cast a great deal of doubt over the love in the M, but there are several equally credible explanations for staying, aside from 'love'.

 

 

Love is a possible explanation for the staying - though other factors would suggest it is one of the less likely explanations.

[White Flower]

Actually I minimize your so-called 'marriages'.

 

But it is destructive to the OW to Focus on her MM's marriage. .. right down to the pitcher of milk at breakfast.. Even if one does give herself a pat on the back for so-called change in the household.

 

Don't be so concerned about the destruction of the OW. She is not focusing on pitchers of milk but merely setting the scene so posters get the visual and can comment accordingly. This thread is about inspiration found on both sides of the affair but you are bringing a different focus on it and keep taking it off topic. Please stop.

[White Flower]

Great Question WF,

 

1. Yes in a way. An OW can and many times has become an inspiration for the W whether the W knows it or not IMO. Why? or How? People change especially women. We get pregnant, give birth, have sleepless nights and longs days for the first few years of our childrens birth. We get out of shape and many times opt for comfort clothes (I did). Sometimes we are not as physically attractive and our sense of humour is shot. So H has an A. The OW is slim, fit, funny and very well-groomed. BW sees her and a light bulb goes off. She goes to the gym, buys new clothes and adds some spice and frequency to sexual encounters with M. It is not an emulation of the OW per se. It is the BW's first reaction to finding out ie. "OW looks fabulous and I don't anymore. Maybe that's the problem???"

 

2. I think that we should be honest and admit that if your H is not an a**hole by nature and has an A, perhaps one needs to change back to what one was before. My H used to tell me when I looked my worst that he saw me with his heart. Total BS...he cheated with girls who looked just like I had before babies. When I went to the gym and shaped up, (I did this for me, not him), he started to come on to me all the time. But NO, a loveless M is really a dead end with no help in sight. But if there once was love, both parties need to make some serious changes to keep the M together.

 

Did you mean to say a loveless M in your second question or a M that has lost the spark of love? Two different things IMO.

Thank you for your perspective findingnemo, all good points.

 

In answer to your question, I believe MM's W loved him the entire M but he said he lost love years and years ago. He proved it by having many affairs, and came very close to leaving her twice. He just didn't have the guts to come through.

 

He said he could pretend to love her, as long as he was getting real love on the side. Well, I didn't want to be on the side anymore.

[White Flower]

You are who you are. Pretending to be something else to try to save a marriage is bad for you, bad for the marriage. Why fight to keep something that is wrong? Accept that things are different than when you got married - move on. Otherwise, you just both end up miserable.

 

This couple on Oprah... have them check back in 5 years. Let's see how that's working for them.

Excellent post somovinon:)

[White Flower]

Im sorry. I am having a hard time decoding your question. No offense please.

I thought it was point on and logical; is there any way I can make it more simplified for you? I'm willing to work with you.

Edited February 21, 2011 by White Flower

[Brokenlady]

Well, I'm sure its not coincidence that xW dyed her hair red and started having a sudden interest in working out. A friend's MM's BW did the same thing - cut and dyed her hair to look like OW. She even asked her H how she could make herself more like OW so he'd be attracted to her again. Pathetic, IMO.

[desertIslandCactus]

Well, I'm sure its not coincidence that xW dyed her hair red and started having a sudden interest in working out. A friend's MM's BW did the same thing - cut and dyed her hair to look like OW. She even asked her H how she could make herself more like OW so he'd be attracted to her again. Pathetic, IMO.

 

 

That's Pathetic.

 

I was always slender, and shed even more lbs with the D. No one would ever want to be like Ms Piggy - outside or inside.

 

It appears the gluttony of reaching out for a MM, was also appropriate w her food intake.

 

I Never wanted to be like 'her' in any manner. It turned into the struggle for merely survival - with this BS, and her children.

[OWoman]

Well, I'm sure its not coincidence that xW dyed her hair red and started having a sudden interest in working out. A friend's MM's BW did the same thing - cut and dyed her hair to look like OW. She even asked her H how she could make herself more like OW so he'd be attracted to her again. Pathetic, IMO.

 

 

Sounds like Ivana Trump trying to turn herself into Marla Maples. Didn't work for her, either.

[desertIslandCactus]

Sounds like Ivana Trump trying to turn herself into Marla Maples. Didn't work for her, either.

 

OW, I have No idea why anyone would want Him for prez..

[xxoo]

1. Yes in a way. An OW can and many times has become an inspiration for the W whether the W knows it or not IMO. Why? or How? People change especially women. We get pregnant, give birth, have sleepless nights and longs days for the first few years of our childrens birth. We get out of shape and many times opt for comfort clothes (I did). Sometimes we are not as physically attractive and our sense of humour is shot. So H has an A. The OW is slim, fit, funny and very well-groomed. BW sees her and a light bulb goes off. She goes to the gym, buys new clothes and adds some spice and frequency to sexual encounters with M. It is not an emulation of the OW per se. It is the BW's first reaction to finding out ie. "OW looks fabulous and I don't anymore. Maybe that's the problem???"

 

I thought of this scenario when I read the OP, but again, have a different perspective (being relatively close to the baby years ).

 

I might not be that the wife needs inspiration to get fit and be well groomed, but that she needs resources (time, money) to do so.

 

Think about a scenario where husband is working a lot of hours, wife is left to care for the kids, money is tight. If dad is working a lot of hours, and mom is caring for kids long hours with no gym days, spa days, shopping days, that WILL affect libido and mood.

 

Now, when the wife discovers that the WS is having an affair (long hours at work ), she will probably reconsider how much time and money is available for her to take care of herself--and take it.

[OWoman]

I might not be that the wife needs inspiration to get fit and be well groomed, but that she needs resources (time, money) to do so.

 

That implies that only the idle rich can look good! Sorry, not buying it...

 

For decades I was a single mother, working in a very demanding position, with a very full life. I had never set foot inside a gym until very recently, had never been to a spa until my H treated me last year, and would never have wasted time shopping (unless it was for groceries or household necessities). Yet I was always fit and well-groomed, even when my clothes were more than a decade old! (If you buy classic pieces and take proper care of them, it's amazing how long clothes can last - and look good!)

 

And no, my libido certainly didn't suffer! None of that is obligatory - if a woman chooses to let that kind of situation turn her into a frump, that is her choice and she should own it!

[xxoo]

(If you buy classic pieces and take proper care of them, it's amazing how long clothes can last - and look good!)

 

You are assuming the woman was in the position to buy these clothes in the first place.

 

Also, that she is the same size. In my own case, I was thinner after kids than before, and many of my clothes hung off me.

[White Flower]

You are assuming the woman was in the position to buy these clothes in the first place.

 

Also, that she is the same size. In my own case, I was thinner after kids than before, and many of my clothes hung off me.

I recently went for free legal assistance because I could not afford to pay for it. The lawyer who was working pro bono, and asking for my donation check, looked me up and down and said, 'I assume you're not living at poverty level'. She was looking for a big check and thought I could deliver based on how I looked.

 

I was astonished. I was wearing 'old rags' and a few nice accessories. It made me feel good that I can still look impressive while going through a bad time both financially and emotionally. I inspired myself that day.

[xxoo]

I recently went for free legal assistance because I could not afford to pay for it. The lawyer who was working pro bono, and asking for my donation check, looked me up and down and said, 'I assume you're not living at poverty level'. She was looking for a big check and thought I could deliver based on how I looked.

 

I was astonished. I was wearing 'old rags' and a few nice accessories. It made me feel good that I can still look impressive while going through a bad time both financially and emotionally. I inspired myself that day.

 

That's wonderful, WF

 

But are you saying, as OWoman is, that it is a woman's own fault if she can not pull off the same?

[findingnemo]

Hi Everybody,

 

We can go round and round in circles on these questions but I deduce from most of the posts that:

 

1. This question has been more or less answered. A W may or may not choose to emulate the OW consciously or sub-consciously depending on the circumstances and the personality of the W. I personally do not see either option as a bad thing to do since it depends on the situation each W is in. We all agree though that rarely does a W decide to "copy" the OW. The W's pride will not let her admit it. As for the couple on Oprah, I agree with the poster who said "check on them in 5 years". Sounds a bit tricky that W did that and lived happily ever after.

 

2. This question on the other hand is interesting as it explains to some extent why some MMs find themselves having an A. A M can and will start with what both parties perceive to be LOVE. The M can then become loveless to one or both parties. Since there was love at the beginning, should a W change herself into a "copy" of the OW to keep the M going? IMO...No way. I think W should look in the mirror and change what she doesn't like about herself. The only change that is sustainable should be the result of self-examination. As in my case, I went to the gym, went shopping for smaller sized clothes and got my life back.

 

WF, I feel from your posts that you have taken into consideration the W's circumstances and commend you for that.

 

OWoman, you mentioned in another thread that you are sometimes villified for your strong opinions and something about not being from the US. Frankly, it doesn't matter where you're from. Your opinions make a lot of sense because you articulate them from your stand point convincingly.

 

Joey, you being an MM in an A is not "evil" but will eventually cause a lot of pain to everybody involved. Yes, the OW may not be forgiven if she knew you were M from the get go. But that doesn't change the fact that she will feel immense pain as a result. Your BS, God help her, may have issues but surely, surely, she deserves to know that things are really bad in your view. As a fOW, I will tell you this: We have enough stuff to feel guilty and ashamed about. The BS finding out and blaming us is not something we need on top of that. So whatever you do, just make up your mind and do not add insult to injury for either woman. The "evil" stems from the pain you cause because of the length of time the deceit has gone on for and not that you as a person are "evil".

 

I hope i am making some sense.

[neveragain1]

So, two questions.

 

1. Can an OW be an isnpiration for a W? (regardless of how much you hate OW)

 

as a man, and reversing the roles, I can say the answer is no

 

 

2. Should a person change who they are in order to keep a loveless M together?

 

no, because then they are changing into the other person. they are becoming the other person to please their spouse, and nobody should have to degrade themselves like that.

[White Flower]

That's wonderful, WF

 

But are you saying, as OWoman is, that it is a woman's own fault if she can not pull off the same?

 

Xxoo, I wouldn't say it was a matter of fault; rather, a matter of being determined to make the most if what you've got. If you need to lose weight push the babies in a stroller for a mile each day.

 

I happen to be a full-figured woman. Someone like Owoman or MM's W might be dumbfounded to understand what he saw in me, but the fact is I know how to accentuate what I have and how to make it look good. Coordinate your colors, know how to hide your flaws, and accentuate your strengths. Look like a Nordies gal on a Target budget:).

 

By living this way I have inspired my daughter to give up the former and live by the latter.