Inspiration

[jthorne]

MM chased me for a year and a half before I succumbed to an A with him. I have broken up with him many times, each time he reeled me back in.

WF, may I please ask for clarification on this? Please understand I am not trying to attack, just trying to understand what I hope may be semantics. I do not understand how someone can succumb to an A for 5+ years. I can understand loving someone who made promises, and choosing to continue a relationship based upon those promises, but I cannot understand how someone can continue to succumb. To succumb (to me) implies no self control.

 

I ask because I admittedly think from a logical standpoint over an emotional one. I am having trouble understanding how one who doesn't have their wits about them so much that they succumb can be an inspiration to anyone else. I simply don't find one with no self control inspiring at all.

 

ETA- Actually, now that I think about it- I think MY answer to your question comes down to respect.

I really don't find myself inspired by people I don't respect. So no, to answer your question, I don't believe an OW would inspire me in any way.

Edited February 23, 2011 by jthorne

[NoIDidn't]

I don't believe there is a woman on this thread who hasn't sacrificed for their children. Most of our children are grown and grew up healthy and loved.

 

Let's get back on the subject of inspiration please.

 

Sorry I was away for about 24 hours. I had a busy day at work, then went out with friends last night. I just don't have time to sit in front of a computer all day, even though I would like to.

 

Life is too short, and it was meant to be lived!

 

I don't think those posts were far off-topic at all. Your OP mentions an OW inspiring changes in a W. Maybe the first change is that she's been sacrificing too much for her children and H if he's finding the time to not sacrifice anything for her but with an OW.

 

And judging by the slow crawl of the posts on this thread, I doubt anyone else is sitting in front of a computer all day either.

[ladydesigner]

1. Can an OW be an isnpiration for a W? (regardless of how much you hate OW)

2. Should a person change who they are in order to keep a loveless M together?

 

In my case the OW were not inspiring at all. They were both very young and both were uneducated. Neither came close in looks either. I believe both were flattered by my H's attention and he is a very humorous and fun guy to be around. I do not hate either OW, they just happened to my M at a time that was our lowest point. I have always taken great care of myself and have always been a great lover and friend to my H. We had a dry spell in the intimacy department and I believe my H was struggling with a porn and sex addiction at the time so when the sex dried up at home, he went out looking for it.

 

I think question number 2 is more relevant to my situation. I changed, actually did a complete 180 after my H's A's and he came back at that point. It changed both of us. As he improved what was missing I became more intimate with him again as he did with me. We work together and communicate together. The sex has never been better and our parenting is better. It is 100% both of us. He is more invested in making the M work as am I. I think having more sex with my H is making a lot of difference as well. I had no idea that I would lose a lot of my libido after kids, never saw it coming. I have gotten it back though. That change made a world of difference, and maybe that part from the OW is what inspired me.

 

I just can't see how an OW can inspire the BS. The BS needs to inspire herself that's what really needs to happen, for no one but herself.

[pureinheart]

WF, may I please ask for clarification on this? Please understand I am not trying to attack, just trying to understand what I hope may be semantics. I do not understand how someone can succumb to an A for 5+ years. I can understand loving someone who made promises, and choosing to continue a relationship based upon those promises, but I cannot understand how someone can continue to succumb. To succumb (to me) implies no self control.

 

I ask because I admittedly think from a logical standpoint over an emotional one. I am having trouble understanding how one who doesn't have their wits about them so much that they succumb can be an inspiration to anyone else. I simply don't find one with no self control inspiring at all.

 

ETA- Actually, now that I think about it- I think MY answer to your question comes down to respect.

I really don't find myself inspired by people I don't respect. So no, to answer your question, I don't believe an OW would inspire me in any way.

 

Not trying to answer for WF, although I can totally relate to what she is referring to by the word "succumb". He chased me too, relentlessly. It can happen. He was charming, cute, thoughtful and intelligent. He brought life back into my tired fraile body, he gave me hope and strength and we were each others rock.

 

You know, in thinking of your OP, I think anyone can be an inspiration. I think if someone else does it better, and I can learn from that person or their ways, I benefit...so I could careless who it comes from...I win no matter what.

[wheelwright]

.

 

Clothes don't make the person. Its sad that so much in the world is wrapped up in what someone looks like on the outside vs who the person on the inside is.

 

I agree with this FO, but I wonder, do you draw a line somewhere?

 

And does this extend into how a person may lie on the outside but maintain integrity on the inside?

 

We all have to do things for most of our lives where we take cues about how to present ourselves.

[fooled once]

The bolded is so true FO. I was also very poor when raising my children. I was able to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies, but that was about it. Spending any money on myself was an absolute last priority. I mean I couldn't even by the cheap clothes, and a lot of the clothes that I did have were cast offs from someone else. My boys heard the word "no" more times than I care to remember. They didn't get to join teams or take part in extracurricular activities. I can't remember how many times I had to disappoint them and then go shut myself in my bedroom and cry because I couldn't give my kids a better life. And they were such great kids! They never cried or pouted or took an attitude with me about not being able to do something that they really really wanted to do. Man I'm getting choked up just thinking about those days. On the very rare occasions that I did have some extra money to spare I would immediately spend it on my kids. I loved them so much and the rare times I was able to treat them to something special made me feel way better than new clothes ever would have.

 

I can so relate ((hugs))

 

I hear you, FO and Alexandria.

 

But OWoman is correct. Technically, it is a choice. You could also choose fabric over dinner, or a sewing machine over emergency savings.

 

Sometimes wearing what you have, even if it is a bit frumpy is a responsible choice. A loving choice. A good choice

 

Emergency savings? Never had a dime to put in that when I was poor. Couldn't choose fabric over dinner for a couple reasons - my child had to eat - period. Lots of fish sticks, nuggets and hot dogs and more importantly, I can barely sew a button on :laugh: a sewing machine would have been a waste on me!

 

So you gave three examples of it not happening, but there are many, many other examples here on this site alone and IRL that it has happened. I'm sorry, I just think it's a weak argument. And even if you don't know any case of it happening, doesn't mean it never has.

 

I agree with love being the most important reason to be and stay M.

 

Thank you FO. We are facing other challenges, serious ones, but we'll get through.

 

Still confused. I was speaking of IRL of not knowing anyone who changed based on someone's guilt. I can't speak of stuff on LS or in the news because I don't know the players in real life; only what I read about them. I don't know strangers enough to state they changed or were guilted into changing. Sorry you feel it is a weak argument but I wasn't trying to argue, just stating my view from my personal experiences. I never said it doesn't happen in real life; just that I personally have never witnessed it.

 

2011 seems to be the year of challenges for so many. I hope you get through things. I know for me, the start of this year has been sh*t and I am hoping things begin to turn around or I am going to bed, pulling the covers over my head and not coming out until Jan. 1, 2012!

[White Flower]

WF, may I please ask for clarification on this? Please understand I am not trying to attack, just trying to understand what I hope may be semantics. I do not understand how someone can succumb to an A for 5+ years. I can understand loving someone who made promises, and choosing to continue a relationship based upon those promises, but I cannot understand how someone can continue to succumb. To succumb (to me) implies no self control.

 

I ask because I admittedly think from a logical standpoint over an emotional one. I am having trouble understanding how one who doesn't have their wits about them so much that they succumb can be an inspiration to anyone else. I simply don't find one with no self control inspiring at all.

 

ETA- Actually, now that I think about it- I think MY answer to your question comes down to respect.

I really don't find myself inspired by people I don't respect. So no, to answer your question, I don't believe an OW would inspire me in any way.

I'm glad you went around in your circle to find your own answer, and I didn't even have to put in my two cents;)

[White Flower]

I don't think those posts were far off-topic at all. Your OP mentions an OW inspiring changes in a W. Maybe the first change is that she's been sacrificing too much for her children and H if he's finding the time to not sacrifice anything for her but with an OW.

 

And judging by the slow crawl of the posts on this thread, I doubt anyone else is sitting in front of a computer all day either.

Interesting.

 

And I didn't notice the slow crawl, but I don't pay attention to those things. Thanks for clarifying.

[White Flower]

In my case the OW were not inspiring at all. They were both very young and both were uneducated. Neither came close in looks either. I believe both were flattered by my H's attention and he is a very humorous and fun guy to be around. I do not hate either OW, they just happened to my M at a time that was our lowest point. I have always taken great care of myself and have always been a great lover and friend to my H. We had a dry spell in the intimacy department and I believe my H was struggling with a porn and sex addiction at the time so when the sex dried up at home, he went out looking for it.

 

I think question number 2 is more relevant to my situation. I changed, actually did a complete 180 after my H's A's and he came back at that point. It changed both of us. As he improved what was missing I became more intimate with him again as he did with me. We work together and communicate together. The sex has never been better and our parenting is better. It is 100% both of us. He is more invested in making the M work as am I. I think having more sex with my H is making a lot of difference as well. I had no idea that I would lose a lot of my libido after kids, never saw it coming. I have gotten it back though. That change made a world of difference, and maybe that part from the OW is what inspired me.

 

I just can't see how an OW can inspire the BS. The BS needs to inspire herself that's what really needs to happen, for no one but herself.

Thank you LD. These are the types of posts I am looking for. I applaud your willingness to open up and share.

[White Flower]

Well, I don't think succumb was used in the context of having no self-control. Instead was used in way to indicate a pursuit that WF finally decided to end and enter into a relationship. Indicates careful consideration and self-control.

 

As to whether an OW would inspire you or not probably can't be answered unless you've been a BS. People can guess what they would do in any given situation but until it happens to you, you don't really know what you'd feel. It seems like you just wanted to be unkind.

Beach Betty, we don't even know each other but I'd say you sized me up pretty well.

 

And for someone (not you) who claims to have been in an A for 20 years I find it hard to believe they don't relate nor ever did on any level.

[White Flower]

By all means necessary, eh? "Lethal action" if you have to, huh?

Hmm, inspiration is free. We watch, we learn, we benefit and sometimes many others benefit as well. No lethal action necessary.

[desertIslandCactus]

 

As to whether an OW would inspire you or not probably can't be answered unless you've been a BS. .

 

Most of the BS's who responded on here, said No. That is eight (8)BS's. This does not include the additional 3 who said No .. because I'm not certain if they are BS's.

[White Flower]

Most of the BS's who responded on here, said No. That is eight (8)BS's. This does not include the additional 3 who said No .. because I'm not certain if they are BS's.

None of us are certain who anyone is here IRL, so the count doesn't really matter. This thread was created to start a conversation, not to take stats; however, nothing speaks like experience speaks.

[desertIslandCactus]

None of us are certain who anyone is here IRL, so the count doesn't really matter. This thread was created to start a conversation, not to take stats; however, nothing speaks like experience speaks.

 

The count was done in context with the poster referring to themself as if the betrayed spouse.

[pureinheart]

By all means necessary, eh? "Lethal action" if you have to, huh?

 

Do you realise how severely out of context you took what I said???? Really?????

 

It's a win win situation, I benefit from learning from anyone..period.

[jthorne]

I'm glad you went around in your circle to find your own answer, and I didn't even have to put in my two cents;)

Yes I did! However, I wanted to add and got busy... the respect issue for me goes both ways.

If there was infidelity in my family, I feel certain that the respect would be so far gone that the M would never recover. So being inspired by any OW would be a moot point.

[OWoman]

None of us are certain who anyone is here IRL, so the count doesn't really matter. This thread was created to start a conversation, not to take stats; however, nothing speaks like experience speaks.

 

Anyone can claim anything on an internet forum, as we always get told.

 

We're also repeatedly told to look at actions, not words.

 

IRL, there are plenty of examples of BWs seeking to become just like the OW in an attempt to win back the MM - Ivana Trump imitating Marla Maples being merely the first that popped into my head. So clearly yes, it can happen (and does, and has). Which doesn't mean it ALWAYS happens, or that it should. But clearly sometimes it does, with whatever degree of success.

 

(Personally, I think someone like Jennifer Aniston could stand to learn a lot from Angelina Jolie, but that's neither here nor there. She clearly doesn't agree, and perhaps prefers to spend her lonely life sobbing into her soggy cornflakes and wishing things different, which is her choice to make.)

[donnamaybe]

(Personally, I think someone like Jennifer Aniston could stand to learn a lot from Angelina Jolie, but that's neither here nor there. She clearly doesn't agree, and perhaps prefers to spend her lonely life sobbing into her soggy cornflakes and wishing things different, which is her choice to make.)

Yeah. That's what she's doing.

 

I personally wouldn't try to be like someone else. I yam what I yam. My sweety likes me JUST the way I yam.

 

Of course, he'd never take on a side fling. Not his style.

[desertIslandCactus]

Anyone can claim anything on an internet forum, as we always get told.

 

We're also repeatedly told to look at actions, not words.

 

IRL, there are plenty of examples of BWs seeking to become just like the OW in an attempt to win back the MM - Ivana Trump imitating Marla Maples being merely the first that popped into my head. So clearly yes, it can happen (and does, and has). Which doesn't mean it ALWAYS happens, or that it should. But clearly sometimes it does, with whatever degree of success.

 

(Personally, I think someone like Jennifer Aniston could stand to learn a lot from Angelina Jolie, but that's neither here nor there. She clearly doesn't agree, and perhaps prefers to spend her lonely life sobbing into her soggy cornflakes and wishing things different, which is her choice to make.)

 

I had not seen evidence that Trump tried to immitate Maples.. Anyway, if you've noticed: Maples became history.

 

How would You know that Aniston is sobbing and lonely .. Just because she isn't married or is holding out for the Real thing?? Jolie is attractive and a good actress .. but why compare?!? Don't assume that single women who have found themselves are 'lonely'. Probably they're women of Substance.

 

As I said, I did a count on here. It was because I didn't want to say the word 'majority' without backup.

 

If you don't want to receive that the BS sees nothing to immitate in the OW, then at least receive an OW may be Reaching for anything to minimize the W or M .. as in acting as an inspiration.

[OWoman]

Yeah. That's what she's doing.

 

Who knows? Judging from the headlines of all the interviews with schlebmags she gives, that would sum it up, but I can't say I've ever been interested enough to read any of those to find out... (Does anyone actually read those things? Or are they just there to make you hate standing in the queue even more?)

 

I personally wouldn't try to be like someone else. I yam what I yam. My sweety likes me JUST the way I yam.

 

Of course, he'd never take on a side fling. Not his style.

 

My H wouldn't need to either now he has me If he were to have an A, it would be with his bulbs and his seeding trays and his veg patch, which is where he hides out for some R&R. :laugh:

[OWoman]

I had not seen evidence that Trump tried to immitate Maples.. Anyway, if you've noticed: Maples became history.

sure she did. As did Ivana before her. And probably a succession of others since. That was hardly the point.

 

As for the evidence - it's out there. Lots was written on it - the way she died her hair the same colour as Marla's, cut it in the same style, started dressing the same way, adopted her styling in her manners, etc. It was so obvious that the press was all over it for ages.

 

How would You know that Aniston is sobbing and lonely .. Just because she isn't married or is holding out for the Real thing?? Jolie is attractive and a good actress .. but why compare?!? Don't assume that single women who have found themselves are 'lonely'. Probably they're women of Substance.

 

I wasn't "assuming", I was responding to all the interviews she gave to trashy magazines about how lonely and miserable she is / was, constantly getting dumped by guys who move on to other (hot) women, etc. If she's not lonely, why is she telling all these journos she is?

 

If you don't want to receive that the BS sees nothing to immitate in the OW, then at least receive an OW may be Reaching for anything to minimize the W or M .. as in acting as an inspiration.

 

I'm afraid I really can't understand what you've written here. Receive what? Is there a delivery person at my door, with a parcel for me to sign for?

[desertIslandCactus]

sure she did. As did Ivana before her. And probably a succession of others since. That was hardly the point.

 

As for the evidence - it's out there. Lots was written on it - the way she died her hair the same colour as Marla's, cut it in the same style, started dressing the same way, adopted her styling in her manners, etc. It was so obvious that the press was all over it for ages.

 

 

 

I wasn't "assuming", I was responding to all the interviews she gave to trashy magazines about how lonely and miserable she is / was, constantly getting dumped by guys who move on to other (hot) women, etc. If she's not lonely, why is she telling all these journos she is?

 

 

?

 

I guess you can tell I don't read the tabloids.

 

Just can't immagine why Any W would wish to mirror her H's OW.

[ladydesigner]

I guess you can tell I don't read the tabloids.

 

Just can't immagine why Any W would wish to mirror her H's OW.

 

See this is exactly how I feel . There really is not one thing I would want to mimic from either of my H's OW's looks wise. Who knows maybe they had a few tricks up their sleeves in the bedroom, but definitely not in the personality or looks department. I love who I am and wouldn't change a thing.

[donnamaybe]

sure she did. As did Ivana before her. And probably a succession of others since. That was hardly the point.

No, but this provides evidence that the cheating, in Trumps situation, was the fault of the cheater. After all, the one constant factor is......

 

Who would want to be like one of those women? Pathetically sucking up to some guy because of his $$ when they know damn good and well they'll be the next one with the door hittin' 'em in the arse.

Edited February 24, 2011 by donnamaybe

[OWoman]

I guess you can tell I don't read the tabloids.

 

neither do I. I can't tell if such articles appeared in tabloids, but they did in broadsheets or berliners, or on the websites of those media groups, as I remember reading them.

 

Just can't immagine why Any W would wish to mirror her H's OW.

 

This is clear. But fortunately the world's existence does not rely on any particular individual's ability or otherwise to imagine it.