Inspiration

[herenow]

Count me in the small number of BW's who would say yes, I was inspired by the OW. But, not in a way that made me feel I wanted to be like her. I was inspired to be the best me I could be. If anything I wanted to make sure my H knew that I was nothing like the OW. If we were to make our marriage work, I wanted it to be because he wanted to be with the real me. Not any version of the OW.

 

If he wanted to be with the OW, that is where I felt he should be. If he found her to be sexy, then I didn't want to be that kind of sexy. I remember even saying those very words in MC.

 

If the OW is what he wanted, he was free to go. I would never be the OW.

 

Also, I have said here many times that I will never be an OW. I have been told by some that anyone can be an OW. Fact is, my H's OW inspired me to know for certain that I will never ever be an OW. So, I guess I owe her that inspiration as well.

Edited February 25, 2011 by herenow

[Mme. Chaucer]

In truth, sometimes an affair can be a huge wake-up call to people in a marriage. If the married couple wants to save their relationship, I think that both people will be likely to look at their shortcomings - at things like taking the other for granted, getting lax about stuff like looking good and "spicy" sex, etc.

 

Maybe the affair itself acted as some kind of "inspiration" for renewal of the marriage, for some. I doubt the individual who had the affair with the married person has anything to do with it, though. Often, for the BS (whether husband or wife), the AP is little more than a cypher representing all that went wrong in the marriage.

[JamieA]

It's not unusual from my rembrance either.

 

And during the A, the OW is obviously more fixated on the W, and seems to keep herself more privy to info about the W and M.. More so than a W who is kept in the dark, until D.

 

Just because you did that in your A doesn't make it so for others.

[desertIslandCactus]

Just because you did that in your A doesn't make it so for others.

 

My H's OW was Always fixated on me. Even after they were married, she was upset because she had to work - while I had mostly been a stay-at-home mother to his (only) children.

 

Also I'm told she still rumbles about me to her new H's family ..

 

She was Always terribly jealous. And with good reason ..

[White Flower]

When is emulating another the result of weak boundaries? Do OP know the difference between emulation and inspiration?

I know I do, but shouldn't the question have, been asked of everyone and not merely just the OP?

[White Flower]

Very honest WF!

Thank you Spark:)

 

FWIW, anyone can post here. I always invite all sides to post with the expectation that all posters are civil and attempt at discussing issues in an intelligent manner. It really has been an interesting thread and I am appreciating hearing the many different views.

[Distant78]

In truth, sometimes an affair can be a huge wake-up call to people in a marriage.

 

Oh it's a wake-up call alright. A wake-up call that shows how far their spouse is willing to go to get some booty on the side. Nothing positive about an affair.

 

If the married couple wants to save their relationship, I think that both people will be likely to look at their shortcomings - at things like taking the other for granted, getting lax about stuff like looking good and "spicy" sex, etc.

 

The cheaters are the ones that took their spouse for granted. Affairs are never an opportunity to strengthen a marriage, it's a recipe for disaster.

 

If someone's "inspired" by the OW/OM, it's just that they're turned on their spouse has been had by someone else.

[White Flower]

I disagree, all affairs can be a wake up call for a M in trouble whether one or both parties are at fault. And if you're not equipped to handle disasters then you shouldn't have agreed to the 'thick and thin' part of the vows.

[White Flower]

If someone's "inspired" by the OW/OM, it's just that they're turned on their spouse has been had by someone else.

please clarify this statement.

[Distant78]

please clarify this statement.

 

I think I clarified my statement quite clearly.

[Distant78]

I disagree, all affairs can be a wake up call for a M in trouble whether one or both parties are at fault.

 

Like I said, it is a wake-up call......but not for the benefit of a WS.

 

 

And if you're not equipped to handle disasters then you shouldn't have agreed to the 'thick and thin' part of the vows.

 

That is a perfect statement for all cheaters.

[NoIDidn't]

In truth, sometimes an affair can be a huge wake-up call to people in a marriage. If the married couple wants to save their relationship, I think that both people will be likely to look at their shortcomings - at things like taking the other for granted, getting lax about stuff like looking good and "spicy" sex, etc.

 

Maybe the affair itself acted as some kind of "inspiration" for renewal of the marriage, for some. I doubt the individual who had the affair with the married person has anything to do with it, though. Often, for the BS (whether husband or wife), the AP is little more than a cypher representing all that went wrong in the marriage.

 

The bolded is very true. And the OWs here repeat it alot. The A is a symptom that something was wrong in the M. The OP usually only represents that problem.

 

I can understand how one could come to the conclusion that they inspired someone, but sometimes it really isn't about the person but about the event.

 

But like WF said, sometimes it IS the person, if the people involved are looking at that person that closely. It says a lot about a W if she knows that much about the OW to say anything about her personality and personal style. Same for the OW of the W. But the OW speaking on the W is normal for affairs as the OW often know more about the W from the MM.

 

I've heard plenty of stories from MM friends about how their OW freaked them out by doing something the same as their W after a while. I think it was something about the MM that created the desire for the OW to do it. And I think its the same in the reconciled situation where the OW thinks she inspired the W. It could just be that the H asked for the behavior, or intimated that the behavior was desirable and he got it.

 

That third player is always left out here.

[White Flower]

Like I said, it is a wake-up call......but not for the benefit of a WS.

 

 

 

 

That is a perfect statement for all cheaters.

Rather anyone who refuses to rebuild after the A.

 

I'm sorry Distant, I don't know your story; were you unable to save your M after an A? I sense your pain and I'm sorry for you.

[White Flower]

Here is the statement in question:

 

If someone's "inspired" by the OW/OM, it's just that they're turned on their spouse has been had by someone else.

it is gramatically incorrect; therefore, is not clarified enough. If you want me to accept it, please make it more clear.

[Distant78]

Rather anyone who refuses to rebuild after the A.

 

After someone cheats, the betrayed doesn't have to do anything except leave.

 

I'm sorry Distant, I don't know your story; were you unable to save your M after an A? I sense your pain and I'm sorry for you.

 

You sense my pain? There is no pain.

[Distant78]

Here is the statement in question:it is gramatically incorrect; therefore, is not clarified enough. If you want me to accept it, please make it more clear.

 

No it's not gramatically incorrect and it's clarified enough to where you can agree or disagree. Your choice. Doesn't matter to me.

[White Flower]

I also sense denial, but I don't want that to be a dig.

 

Let's get back on subject.

[Distant78]

I also sense denial, but I don't want that to be a dig.

 

Denial?

 

Let's get back on subject.

 

Agreed.

[NoIDidn't]

Here is the statement in question:it is gramatically incorrect; therefore, is not clarified enough. If you want me to accept it, please make it more clear.

 

The number of times that people let grammatical errors go, even in your own posts, makes this just seems like nit-picking.

 

I understood the gist of his statement whether I agreed with it or not, even with the errors.

[White Flower]

The bolded is very true. And the OWs here repeat it alot. The A is a symptom that something was wrong in the M. The OP usually only represents that problem.

 

I can understand how one could come to the conclusion that they inspired someone, but sometimes it really isn't about the person but about the event.

 

*But like WF said, sometimes it IS the person,* if the people involved are looking at that person that closely. It says a lot about a W if she knows that much about the OW to say anything about her personality and personal style. Same for the OW of the W. But the OW speaking on the W is normal for affairs as the OW often know more about the W from the MM.

 

I've heard plenty of stories from MM friends about how their OW freaked them out by doing something the same as their W after a while. I think it was something about the MM that created the desire for the OW to do it. And I think its the same in the reconciled situation where the OW thinks she inspired the W. It could just be that the H asked for the behavior, or intimated that the behavior was desirable and he got it.

 

That third player is always left out here.

Not sure I said that, but I appreciate your post nonetheless. Good points.

[White Flower]

The number of times that people let grammatical errors go, even in your own posts, makes this just seems like nit-picking.

 

I understood the gist of his statement whether I agreed with it or not, even with the errors.

 

I'm genuinely not nit-picking; I just don't get the gist if his or her statement; therefore, cannot comment on it properly. Perhaps I need a second cup of coffee.

[OpenBook]

If someone's "inspired" by the OW/OM, it's just that they're turned on their spouse has been had by someone else.

 

Well, I don't get it either. And WF has been nothing but kind and polite to all here as the OP host, trying to respond to an illegible post. Her handling of this thread - even in the face of rude, arrogant and spiteful posts - speaks volumes for her soul. She is truly an inspiration to me, and I have no doubt that many others view her in the same light. Even bitter BS's could take a few notes out of her playbook.

[pureinheart]

I'm genuinely not nit-picking; I just don't get the gist if his or her statement; therefore, cannot comment on it properly. Perhaps I need a second cup of coffee.

 

I was trying to understand Distants statement also. Now I've just had my first cup of tea and no cereal yet, possibly I need to move on to coffee?

[Distant78]

Well, I don't get it either. And WF has been nothing but kind and polite to all here as the OP host, trying to respond to an illegible post. Her handling of this thread - even in the face of rude, arrogant and spiteful posts - speaks volumes for her soul. She is truly an inspiration to me, and I have no doubt that many others view her in the same light. Even bitter BS's could take a few notes out of her playbook.

 

Seriously no offense, but stop riding her jock. My statement meant exactly what it said: Some get turned on knowing that their spouse has had sex with someone else. It's not necessarily "inspiration".

[whichwayisup]

I was trying to understand Distants statement also. Now I've just had my first cup of tea and no cereal yet, possibly I need to move on to coffee?

 

OMG, how can you choose tea over coffee?

girls do by playing hard to get while dateing.

 

wtf?

 

NYMF, don't be rude and say mean stuff to people.