ladydesigner Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 We can agree to disagree, but I'll give you that you can be an inspiration to others. It isn't the only path, but it us a viable one for many. But I wholeheartedly disagree with you on affairs only being a booty call. There are way too many non-sexual dates involved with affairs, at least in mine, and many other facts and evidence that prove otherwise. Movies, love letters, coffee dates, lunch dates...all having nothing to do with booty calls. Many love affairs are simply about that--love. Yes this is true WF. My A with XOM consisted of MOSTLY non-sexual dates. He filled ALL of the emotional voids my H was not filling. These A's do exist, it did in mine. I guess you could say it was more of an EA than PA I wonder if men are ever inspired to change or if it only pertains to women. They probably don't:laugh: I know my H wouldn't. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 I wonder if men are ever inspired to change or if it only pertains to women. They probably don't:laugh: I know my H wouldn't. Well, my hubby changed more than I did during the reconstruction of our marriage... at least that's true from my point of view, possibly from his I changed more. But for neither of us was it a "I'm going to change to keep him/her" type of thing, it was simply change that occurred naturally during our re-integration process. I think we both became better people, more understanding of each other and more forgiving of each others foibles. At the same time I believe we both became less caring of the opinions of those outside of our immediate circle - including the opinions of family members in many cases. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Affairs are not about love. It's about lust, deception, and selfishness. I do not know your story, but have you had an affair? and if you did maybe your affair was about the above...but like everything else not one shoe can fits all. If you have never had an affair, then your knowledge of what it is about or goes on is, at best, second hand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author White Flower Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 Affairs are not about love. It's about lust, deception, and selfishness. Then I can only surmise you overlooked the details of my previous post. Denial is a killer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author White Flower Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 Is it me or would it seem that DM has spurned offspring? Off-topic posts make it apparent. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 My statement is correct and I can say the same for your own assertions, no offense. Mine are not assertions, but experiences. Our M is the continued manifestation of the love of our A. :love: :love: :love: :love: I'm sorry you've not known love as we have. I hope one day you find it. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 yeah, turning 40! Welcome to the best years of your life Link to post Share on other sites
thomasb Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Well, my hubby changed more than I did during the reconstruction of our marriage... at least that's true from my point of view, possibly from his I changed more. But for neither of us was it a "I'm going to change to keep him/her" type of thing, it was simply change that occurred naturally during our re-integration process. I think we both became better people, more understanding of each other and more forgiving of each others foibles. At the same time I believe we both became less caring of the opinions of those outside of our immediate circle - including the opinions of family members in many cases. I find myself very much in agreement with you. That is exactly the same as my dear wife and myself. Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Mine are not assertions, but experiences. Our M is the continued manifestation of the love of our A. :love: :love: :love: :love: I'm sorry you've not known love as we have. I hope one day you find it. I thought Distant was about to be married. So you're saying you hope he'll find 'love' as You have it ?.. hmmm Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 I thought Distant was about to be married. So you're saying you hope he'll find 'love' as You have it ?.. hmmm Yep, that's what I said. And meant. :love: Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 :sick: I have found true love that isn't a manifestation of an affair. That will of course be the experience of some in that position, but not all obviously. Link to post Share on other sites
dolphinscry Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 I came back to do some reading and see things haven't changed much. Link to post Share on other sites
SidLyon Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Well, my hubby changed more than I did during the reconstruction of our marriage... at least that's true from my point of view, possibly from his I changed more. But for neither of us was it a "I'm going to change to keep him/her" type of thing, it was simply change that occurred naturally during our re-integration process. I think we both became better people, more understanding of each other and more forgiving of each others foibles. At the same time I believe we both became less caring of the opinions of those outside of our immediate circle - including the opinions of family members in many cases. This sounds like us. No inspiration for me from the OW, nor changes that are inconsistent with who I really am. But plenty of inspiration from the situation we were in, and many changes in behaviour from both of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Right so people find true love in affairs. Some do, many don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author White Flower Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 This sounds like us. No inspiration for me from the OW, nor changes that are inconsistent with who I really am. But plenty of inspiration from the situation we were in, and many changes in behaviour from both of us.I can respect an answer like that as well. Thanks for chiming in Syd, it's been a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author White Flower Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 Right so people find true love in affairs. I guess it's just too much work going back and reading OPs posts to learn that, yes, true love can be born of affairs. My dad left for his OW, and they lived in bliss until he died. My brother's exW left him for his best friend and that M is rock solid, 12 years strong. There are successful love-affair examples all around us, but we don't often share these stories with younger or immature folk due to them behaving inappropriately with the delicate details. I'm not saying you are immature, bud I would estimate that you are fairly young. And you might see things a little differently a decade or so from now. Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Right ON! Not everybody gets desperate when they get old! Well said .. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Welcome to the best years of your life Thanks! I'm fine with it now..Before I wasn't. think the hype to turning 40 is overrated! Link to post Share on other sites
Author White Flower Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 Right ON! Not everybody gets desperate when they get old!You must be talking about someone else. I've never been desperate a day in my life. Well said .. dIC, I'm surprised a woman of your age would agree to this. Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 (edited) dIC, I'm surprised a woman of your age would agree to this. I surely do agree with it WF. At the time of the D I felt despair, and rightfully so. But a few decades later, I felt quite satisfied i.e. before the MM approached me. So I don't think it was desparation that formed my attraction to the MM.. But most definitely an emptiness (and regret) while In the ER, itself. Now I'm back to the way I felt pre-ER ..or whole. Edited March 2, 2011 by desertIslandCactus Link to post Share on other sites
Author White Flower Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 It's sad that it would be assumed that someone would have to be desperate to decide to partake in an A. Further, I find it sad that someone older wouldn't try to inspire more inspirational posts on the subject, especially given that we oftentimes become inspired by our elders. If we can't inspire we can try to guide. Oh well. Now, back on subject with those who have experience with being inspired by OP or BS as a result of an A. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Right so people find true love in affairs. My father and his W did. Several of my friends and their spouses did. My H and I did. So the answer in many cases, clearly, is YES. :love: Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 No love in affairs. Only disrespect and deception. Perhaps for the BS (though many of the successfully reconciled BSs here would also claim otherwise - that there was love throughout, however it may have gotten sidetracked or subverted during the A) and perhaps for some APs too - such as those where the OW is misled as to the MM's marital status, or his intentions, etc. But certainly many As are all about love. :love: (Why else would a WS whose BS is begging them to stay, leave a M for the AP? If it was just "disrespect and deception", why would they choose that above the "love" of the M? ) Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Now, back on subject with those who have experience with being inspired by OP or BS as a result of an A. I guess I was, in part, inspired by the BW - I saw the way she treated her H, her kids and others around her, and that inspired me NEVER to treat anyone that way! And to provide a stable, happy home for her kids so that they had at least one home where they could feel safe and loved. If she'd been less extreme, I would probably not have felt as strongly about it as I did that I needed to make things "normal" for them so that they could do the things other teens did, like have friends over, or go out together as a family without worrying what might happen, or just be kids! It also inspired me to be conscious of treating my H with the respect he deserves, not to take him for granted and to cherish and value our M, every day. I've seen how badly things can go wrong in M, and I've seen the kind of behaviours that foster that, and I know not to go anywhere near that road because I know where it leads! Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 It's sad that it would be assumed that someone would have to be desperate to decide to partake in an A. Further, I find it sad that someone older wouldn't try to inspire more inspirational posts on the subject, especially given that we oftentimes become inspired by our elders. If we can't inspire we can try to guide. Oh well. Now, back on subject with those who have experience with being inspired by OP or BS as a result of an A. Whether or not someone goes into an A with a MM out of desparation -perhaps is on an individual basis. But most definitely the A itself produces a desparation with the OW, while in it. The best 'inspiration' I can give is to tell it like it is.. Encourage those who are trying to leave the A. Warn others. Encouraging someone who is in a destructive A, is Not doing them a favor. A boastful person in or out of the A, (that hurts many) is not digestable. Link to post Share on other sites
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