Inspiration

[OWoman]

No, but this provides evidence that the cheating, in Trumps situation, was the fault of the cheater. After all, the one constant factor is......

 

... all of which has nothing to do with the point of this thread, so isn't worth mentioning further since that would constitute a thread jack

[donnamaybe]

... all of which has nothing to do with the point of this thread, so isn't worth mentioning further since that would constitute a thread jack

It has very much to do with the point of this thread. Here - I'll explain it to you.

 

SOOOO many would LIKE to think that others are inspired by them. It makes perfect sense to discuss why, in many cases, many are not an inspiration whatsoever. Part of the reason WHY many are not an inspiration is due to the above scenario.

 

What kind of woman would feel the need to be inspired by someone who would crawl up behind a skank like Donald Trump, knowing full well they'll be next out the door? They were, after all, Trump's OW at some point. He goes from one right to the other. A truly broken man. Granted, he has lots of money, but big deal.

 

Inspirational? I think not.

[desertIslandCactus]

neither do I. I can't tell if such articles appeared in tabloids, but they did in broadsheets or berliners, or on the websites of those media groups, as I remember reading them.

 

 

 

This is clear. But fortunately the world's existence does not rely on any particular individual's ability or otherwise to imagine it.

 

As I said, I did a count on this thread of opinions from those who posted as if they were betrayed spouses. The No's appeared to from most of the BS's ..

[findingnemo]

As I said, I did a count on this thread of opinions from those who posted as if they were betrayed spouses. The No's appeared to from most of the BS's ..

 

Really? I don't think it matters if its a BS or OW or a single woman. Most women will not admit to themselves that they are inspired by a rival:). It's an oxymoron of sorts. In many cases the BS hates the OW's guts. In others like mine, I had a superior attitude - it never occured to me that the OW was better than me in anything to inspire change. If we reversed the question to "Can an OW be inspired by a W or BS?", I think most would say NO.

 

I am rather new here and can't identify the BS' easily. The OWs are easy when they tell their personal stories. Which begs the question, what are BS' doing on this thread? I thought it was for OWs/OMs? Is that where some of the venom I see in threads is coming from?

[ladydesigner]

Really? I don't think it matters if its a BS or OW or a single woman. Most women will not admit to themselves that they are inspired by a rival:). It's an oxymoron of sorts. In many cases the BS hates the OW's guts. In others like mine, I had a superior attitude - it never occured to me that the OW was better than me in anything to inspire change. If we reversed the question to "Can an OW be inspired by a W or BS?", I think most would say NO.

 

I am rather new here and can't identify the BS' easily. The OWs are easy when they tell their personal stories. Which begs the question, what are BS' doing on this thread? I thought it was for OWs/OMs? Is that where some of the venom I see in threads is coming from?

 

I am actually a FBS and a FWS (XMOW) so a bit of both I suppose:D

 

In my sitch, as a BS, the OW were not inspirational, but I can see how it might be an inspiration or motivation. If a BS is frumpy, depressed, etc and OW were smart, vibrant, well you get the jist, I can see how that could motivate a BS to take care of themselves better.

Edited February 24, 2011 by ladydesigner

[desertIslandCactus]

Really? I don't think it matters if its a BS or OW or a single woman. Most women will not admit to themselves that they are inspired by a rival:). It's an oxymoron of sorts. In many cases the BS hates the OW's guts. In others like mine, I had a superior attitude - it never occured to me that the OW was better than me in anything to inspire change.

 

If we reversed the question to "Can an OW be inspired by a W or BS?", I think most would say NO.

 

Many saw that my H's OW was only jealous of the W.

 

I am rather new here and can't identify the BS' easily. The OWs are easy when they tell their personal stories. Which begs the question, what are BS' doing on this thread? I thought it was for OWs/OMs? Is that where some of the venom I see in threads is coming from?

 

Believe it or not, the betrayed spouses can post all over the LS boards, imagine that ..

[White Flower]

It has very much to do with the point of this thread. Here - I'll explain it to you.

 

SOOOO many would LIKE to think that others are inspired by them. It makes perfect sense to discuss why, in many cases, many are not an inspiration whatsoever. Part of the reason WHY many are not an inspiration is due to the above scenario.

 

What kind of woman would feel the need to be inspired by someone who would crawl up behind a skank like Donald Trump, knowing full well they'll be next out the door? They were, after all, Trump's OW at some point. He goes from one right to the other. A truly broken man. Granted, he has lots of money, but big deal.

 

Inspirational? I think not.

I'm sorry Donna, but I think this argument is weak given that Maples was the first publicly known OW who succeeded the thrown (like the pun?) after his first W. We did not know at that time that he would take a few Ws and/or OWs. Marla couldn't have known his pattern since clearly it was not established then.

[White Flower]

What are you talking about? I took what you said literally.

 

 

 

Anyone? So you can learn something from a child rapist?

Seriously t/j now aren't we?

 

But FTR one can learn of the experience and not necessarily from the person. I have a friend whose daughter was kidnapped for weeks and raped. Trust me, she deals with those lessons daily still.

[White Flower]

Really? I don't think it matters if its a BS or OW or a single woman. Most women will not admit to themselves that they are inspired by a rival:). It's an oxymoron of sorts. In many cases the BS hates the OW's guts. In others like mine, I had a superior attitude - it never occured to me that the OW was better than me in anything to inspire change. If we reversed the question to "Can an OW be inspired by a W or BS?", I think most would say NO.

 

I am rather new here and can't identify the BS' easily. The OWs are easy when they tell their personal stories. Which begs the question, what are BS' doing on this thread? I thought it was for OWs/OMs? Is that where some of the venom I see in threads is coming from?

Thank you FN, good closing question!

 

I will disagree with you though on the oxymoron label. If roles were reversed, or the question were, I would say yes, BOTH OW and BS can and do inspire each other. I noticed during the informal tally that nobody seemd to note the BS who admitted there could be inspiration taken from the OW, but there was.

 

And I will add to that. My exH's OW was vivacious. She spoke her mind and her heart ruled. She was real, and I recognized it...even respected it. Once I got over myself, I embraced this about her and in my own growth, I may have become more like her. I'm pretty sure that came from inspiration. It could have happened on its own, but I can't say she never had any part in my personal growth. It was a challenge I embraced and overcame. I am a stronger woman because of it.

 

MM's W even has a few traits I'm sure could inspire me. I may not even know what all those are yet but for now I'm pretty sure there is one; she knows how to dig her claws deep. I'm sure it's a combination of guilting him, fear, love, and threats, but I just don't know which percentage of what in that combination. Whatever it was, it worked for her. If I ever get M, I may want to know what she used to keep him there. I'm reaching here, but I can't deny I don't think about it. Not sure if it's inspiration or mere curiosity...I will know in the future!

[JamieA]

I am rather new here and can't identify the BS' easily. The OWs are easy when they tell their personal stories. Which begs the question, what are BS' doing on this thread? I thought it was for OWs/OMs? Is that where some of the venom I see in threads is coming from?

 

 

They love hanging out here. It's much more exciting and entertaining to them here. I'm sure the OP knows this and so she is aware that many BS's will respond. (sometimes waaay more than AP's) As you will see in her question she stated, "regardless of how much you hate OW" She would not have put that had she thought it would just be AP's answering.

 

Also, recently there were duplicate threads started by 2 different posters in the marriage section and this forum. The one in the marriage section had only a few responses where as the one here had 10 times the responses and many of them from BS's and/or people that aren't AP's.

 

And yes, that is why you see a lot of "venom" as you call it. I have other adjectives that I'm not allowed to use per the TOS. In my personal opinion I think they (not all, most) can't get over the pain of betrayal and they can't take it out anywhere in their personal lives so they do it here. Sometimes you need to take that into consideration when reading and have some empathy for them. I really don't think they'd (as I said, not all but most) be here if they weren't in pain.

[White Flower]

They love hanging out here. It's much more exciting and entertaining to them here. I'm sure the OP knows this and so she is aware that many BS's will respond. (sometimes waaay more than AP's) As you will see in her question she stated, "regardless of how much you hate OW" She would not have put that had she thought it would just be AP's answering.

 

Also, recently there were duplicate threads started by 2 different posters in the marriage section and this forum. The one in the marriage section had only a few responses where as the one here had 10 times the responses and many of them from BS's and/or people that aren't AP's.

 

And yes, that is why you see a lot of "venom" as you call it. I have other adjectives that I'm not allowed to use per the TOS. In my personal opinion I think they (not all, most) can't get over the pain of betrayal and they can't take it out anywhere in their personal lives so they do it here. Sometimes you need to take that into consideration when reading and have some empathy for them. I really don't think they'd (as I said, not all but most) be here if they weren't in pain.

Great post. But the pain is on both sides.

 

It just seems, no IS, that BS are allowed to feel their pain whereas OP only deserved it. And if that is so, then why have a forum designated to support OP?

 

t/j over.

[fooled once]

In my case the OW were not inspiring at all. They were both very young and both were uneducated. Neither came close in looks either. I believe both were flattered by my H's attention and he is a very humorous and fun guy to be around. I do not hate either OW, they just happened to my M at a time that was our lowest point. I have always taken great care of myself and have always been a great lover and friend to my H. We had a dry spell in the intimacy department and I believe my H was struggling with a porn and sex addiction at the time so when the sex dried up at home, he went out looking for it.

 

I think question number 2 is more relevant to my situation. I changed, actually did a complete 180 after my H's A's and he came back at that point. It changed both of us. As he improved what was missing I became more intimate with him again as he did with me. We work together and communicate together. The sex has never been better and our parenting is better. It is 100% both of us. He is more invested in making the M work as am I. I think having more sex with my H is making a lot of difference as well. I had no idea that I would lose a lot of my libido after kids, never saw it coming. I have gotten it back though. That change made a world of difference, and maybe that part from the OW is what inspired me.

 

I just can't see how an OW can inspire the BS. The BS needs to inspire herself that's what really needs to happen, for no one but herself.

 

LD, this was a great post. Because of it, I was able to better understand what WF was talking about. Thank you for sharing!!

 

Really? I don't think it matters if its a BS or OW or a single woman. Most women will not admit to themselves that they are inspired by a rival:). It's an oxymoron of sorts. In many cases the BS hates the OW's guts. In others like mine, I had a superior attitude - it never occured to me that the OW was better than me in anything to inspire change. If we reversed the question to "Can an OW be inspired by a W or BS?", I think most would say NO.

 

I am rather new here and can't identify the BS' easily. The OWs are easy when they tell their personal stories. Which begs the question, what are BS' doing on this thread? I thought it was for OWs/OMs? Is that where some of the venom I see in threads is coming from?

 

:laugh:

 

Again with the "why are people posting here" comment thought we were moving away from that sort of stuff. LS is a public forum. Follow the guideline and you can post anywhere

[findingnemo]

They love hanging out here. It's much more exciting and entertaining to them here. I'm sure the OP knows this and so she is aware that many BS's will respond. (sometimes waaay more than AP's) As you will see in her question she stated, "regardless of how much you hate OW" She would not have put that had she thought it would just be AP's answering.

 

Also, recently there were duplicate threads started by 2 different posters in the marriage section and this forum. The one in the marriage section had only a few responses where as the one here had 10 times the responses and many of them from BS's and/or people that aren't AP's.

 

And yes, that is why you see a lot of "venom" as you call it. I have other adjectives that I'm not allowed to use per the TOS. In my personal opinion I think they (not all, most) can't get over the pain of betrayal and they can't take it out anywhere in their personal lives so they do it here. Sometimes you need to take that into consideration when reading and have some empathy for them. I really don't think they'd (as I said, not all but most) be here if they weren't in pain.

 

Thank you for explaining. I would have thought that some of the posts in this forum would be painful for a BS to read. Perhaps, they are trying to understand how OWs think...

[findingnemo]

:laugh:

 

Again with the "why are people posting here" comment thought we were moving away from that sort of stuff. LS is a public forum. Follow the guideline and you can post anywhere

 

Lol, I'm not trying to chase anyone away. I guess I wasn't here when the "stuff" was dealt with. I was just wondering about the statistics because it surprised me that BS' hang out here. Anyway.....now that I know, I won't immediately assume like I did before that there are OWs who just want to "self-cleanse" by bashing OPs posts.

 

Back to the topic...

[findingnemo]

Thank you FN, good closing question!

 

I will disagree with you though on the oxymoron label. If roles were reversed, or the question were, I would say yes, BOTH OW and BS can and do inspire each other. I noticed during the informal tally that nobody seemd to note the BS who admitted there could be inspiration taken from the OW, but there was.

 

And I will add to that. My exH's OW was vivacious. She spoke her mind and her heart ruled. She was real, and I recognized it...even respected it. Once I got over myself, I embraced this about her and in my own growth, I may have become more like her. I'm pretty sure that came from inspiration. It could have happened on its own, but I can't say she never had any part in my personal growth. It was a challenge I embraced and overcame. I am a stronger woman because of it.

 

MM's W even has a few traits I'm sure could inspire me. I may not even know what all those are yet but for now I'm pretty sure there is one; she knows how to dig her claws deep. I'm sure it's a combination of guilting him, fear, love, and threats, but I just don't know which percentage of what in that combination. Whatever it was, it worked for her. If I ever get M, I may want to know what she used to keep him there. I'm reaching here, but I can't deny I don't think about it. Not sure if it's inspiration or mere curiosity...I will know in the future!

 

To the future then...WF:)!!

 

I know that there are always exceptions to rules. One BS, I know, has gone as far as becoming a "friend" of the OW. It is a topic for gossip here at parties. Everybody thinks it is weird and that the BS has a sinister motive ranging from 1)BS wants to 'keep her enemy closer" and guilt the OW into NOT continuing the A, 2)BS wants to find out more about the OW who is a MW and mess her up..etc. None of the theories has anything to do with BS wanting to be more like OW. But there is one exceptional reaction right there...

 

Regarding OWs being inspired by BS' - when I think about it, it makes more sense. An OW is after all in love with a man who is committed to another woman. An OW must try to figure out why the commitment exists, what it is about W that keeps him so loyal. OW is looking for a weakness in W, which she will make her strength hoping that MM will then "choose" their love over the M. If OW finds that W is "perfect", it could inspire her somewhat to also be "perfect" the same way as W. And...OW is more likely to admit to receiving inspiration from W.

 

I am making a 180 degree turn here, in a reversal, an OW can get inspired by a W/BS.

[Snowflower]

I'm sorry Donna, but I think this argument is weak given that Maples was the first publicly known OW who succeeded the thrown (like the pun?) after his first W. We did not know at that time that he would take a few Ws and/or OWs. Marla couldn't have known his pattern since clearly it was not established then.

 

Loved the pun, WF!! And you bring up a very good point about Marla Maples.

 

They love hanging out here. It's much more exciting and entertaining to them here. I'm sure the OP knows this and so she is aware that many BS's will respond. (sometimes waaay more than AP's) As you will see in her question she stated, "regardless of how much you hate OW" She would not have put that had she thought it would just be AP's answering.

 

Also, recently there were duplicate threads started by 2 different posters in the marriage section and this forum. The one in the marriage section had only a few responses where as the one here had 10 times the responses and many of them from BS's and/or people that aren't AP's.

 

And yes, that is why you see a lot of "venom" as you call it. I have other adjectives that I'm not allowed to use per the TOS. In my personal opinion I think they (not all, most) can't get over the pain of betrayal and they can't take it out anywhere in their personal lives so they do it here. Sometimes you need to take that into consideration when reading and have some empathy for them. I really don't think they'd (as I said, not all but most) be here if they weren't in pain.

 

Lol, I'm not trying to chase anyone away. I guess I wasn't here when the "stuff" was dealt with. I was just wondering about the statistics because it surprised me that BS' hang out here. Anyway.....now that I know, I won't immediately assume like I did before that there are OWs who just want to "self-cleanse" by bashing OPs posts.

 

Back to the topic...

 

 

1. Can an OW be an isnpiration for a W? (regardless of how much you hate OW)

2. Should a person change who they are in order to keep a loveless M together?

 

If you can answer with thoughtfulness and dignity you are welcome to join the conversation. If not, I will block you.

 

Thank you in advance for your kindness.

 

Okay, I'll bite...(as a BS)...many BS are responding here because of the questions posed by the OP. (I reposted the questions above) Why wouldn't a BS respond to a post that is about someone in their position and when WF invited answers from all sides?

 

Hope that answers the question as to why BS's are posting here!

 

If I started a similar thread about why the OW should be inspired by the wife in infidelity which is, apparently, the BS forum, I would fully expect that OW would come over and participate. The thread would be about OW so why wouldn't they come over and post?

 

To answer the OP, it would have been impossible for me to be inspired by the OW in my situation because I didn't know her. Truly, I could pass her on the street and never know it was her! I only met her once in passing, long before the A. So, it is kind of hard to be inspired by a virtual stranger in all honesty. I only know what my H has told me about her. I don't know, she seems like a good mother and a dedicated employee. I don't know what else to say!

 

So when some BW who have responded to this thread don't comment on whether or not the OW inspired them, perhaps because at least in some cases they don't even know the OW (like me).

 

Thanks for the insightful thread, WF. I enjoyed reading it!

[donnamaybe]

Lol, I'm not trying to chase anyone away. I guess I wasn't here when the "stuff" was dealt with. I was just wondering about the statistics because it surprised me that BS' hang out here. Anyway.....now that I know, I won't immediately assume like I did before that there are OWs who just want to "self-cleanse" by bashing OPs posts.

 

Back to the topic...

I find the use of the term "hang out here" quite interesting. As if no one else besides an OW is allowed to provide their thoughts regarding whether someone is inspiring or not. Of course if all you hear from are OW, the responses in this thread will be a resounding "Yes! We ARE inspiring to the poor, sad BS!"

 

I am not a BS, nor am I an OW. I click on new posts and if I see an item of interest, I check it out. If I feel like it, I post. No mystery there.

 

I think anyone can be inspiring to anyone. It doesn't require a certain place in life. It could be something as simple as doing a kindness for a stranger, no matter who you are.

[PeachyPink]

When is emulating another the result of weak boundaries? Do OP know the difference between emulation and inspiration?

[Spark1111]

HEY! I am a fBS, MW, mother of three, dutiful daughter and caretaker of an aging parent with dementia, hot lover, hard worker, great friend, good sister....

 

and I inspire myself!:laugh:

 

My name is Spark and post wherever the hell I want to.:bunny:

[Mme. Chaucer]

Isn't a "BS" in the very best position to contribute to this thread? Who else is going to know whether an "OW" has inspired them or not?

[donnamaybe]

Isn't a "BS" in the very best position to contribute to this thread? Who else is going to know whether an "OW" has inspired them or not?

I know, huh?!

[Spark1111]

Thank you FN, good closing question!

 

I will disagree with you though on the oxymoron label. If roles were reversed, or the question were, I would say yes, BOTH OW and BS can and do inspire each other. I noticed during the informal tally that nobody seemd to note the BS who admitted there could be inspiration taken from the OW, but there was.

 

And I will add to that. My exH's OW was vivacious. She spoke her mind and her heart ruled. She was real, and I recognized it...even respected it. Once I got over myself, I embraced this about her and in my own growth, I may have become more like her. I'm pretty sure that came from inspiration. It could have happened on its own, but I can't say she never had any part in my personal growth. It was a challenge I embraced and overcame. I am a stronger woman because of it.

 

MM's W even has a few traits I'm sure could inspire me. I may not even know what all those are yet but for now I'm pretty sure there is one; she knows how to dig her claws deep. I'm sure it's a combination of guilting him, fear, love, and threats, but I just don't know which percentage of what in that combination. Whatever it was, it worked for her. If I ever get M, I may want to know what she used to keep him there. I'm reaching here, but I can't deny I don't think about it. Not sure if it's inspiration or mere curiosity...I will know in the future!

 

Very honest WF!

 

My h was too much of a gentlemen to ever say anything truly negative about his OW!

 

I , for the longest time, wished I could have been a fly on the wall to know what the attraction was.

 

All he would say is how much she admired and complimented him; he only described her in ways of what she did "for" HIM!

 

So I never truly got a clear picture of her, the woman. We met once or twice, but that's it. By all accounts, she seems like a 'nice' person.

 

So i still don't know the person or the personality to really assess if she would have inspired me or not.

[Spark1111]

To the future then...WF:)!!

 

I know that there are always exceptions to rules. One BS, I know, has gone as far as becoming a "friend" of the OW. It is a topic for gossip here at parties. Everybody thinks it is weird and that the BS has a sinister motive ranging from 1)BS wants to 'keep her enemy closer" and guilt the OW into NOT continuing the A, 2)BS wants to find out more about the OW who is a MW and mess her up..etc. None of the theories has anything to do with BS wanting to be more like OW. But there is one exceptional reaction right there...

 

Regarding OWs being inspired by BS' - when I think about it, it makes more sense. An OW is after all in love with a man who is committed to another woman. An OW must try to figure out why the commitment exists, what it is about W that keeps him so loyal. OW is looking for a weakness in W, which she will make her strength hoping that MM will then "choose" their love over the M. If OW finds that W is "perfect", it could inspire her somewhat to also be "perfect" the same way as W. And...OW is more likely to admit to receiving inspiration from W.

 

I am making a 180 degree turn here, in a reversal, an OW can get inspired by a W/BS.

 

Also very honest!

 

I think she knew waaaay more about me, and my/our daily life, than I will ever know about her.

 

She did try to convince him I must have a bf, as he had convinced her we didn't have sex anymore.

 

And over time, as she kept waiting for him to leave me, she did try to convince him that she would be the better partner for him. I do not blame her for that. She must have been growing exasperated and wanted to force some choice or decision from him.

 

When it wasn't forthcoming, rather than set an ultimatum, she found little ways and some not so little, to convince him she was better for him than I.

 

I don't find that unusual.

[desertIslandCactus]

Also very honest!

 

I think she knew waaaay more about me, and my/our daily life, than I will ever know about her.

 

She did try to convince him I must have a bf, as he had convinced her we didn't have sex anymore.

 

And over time, as she kept waiting for him to leave me, she did try to convince him that she would be the better partner for him. I do not blame her for that. She must have been growing exasperated and wanted to force some choice or decision from him.

 

When it wasn't forthcoming, rather than set an ultimatum, she found little ways and some not so little, to convince him she was better for him than I.

 

I don't find that unusual.

 

It's not unusual from my rembrance either.

 

And during the A, the OW is obviously more fixated on the W, and seems to keep herself more privy to info about the W and M.. More so than a W who is kept in the dark, until D.

[OWoman]

And during the A, the OW is obviously more fixated on the W, and seems to keep herself more privy to info about the W and M.. More so than a W who is kept in the dark, until D.

 

fixated? While I guess it's entirely possible for an OW to become fixated on the BW, I certainly don't think it's the norm. I was certainly never fixated on my H's xW, nor, AFAIK, was she on me.

 

After DDay, I imagine SOME BWs also become fixated by the OW - and there are some threads on LS that support that notion. Again, I don't think it's everyone.

 

But I do think in Rs where the WS seems to hold the power, that those partners who feel disempowered - whether OW or BW - may well feel the need to find out about the mystery "other" who seems to have (had) some hold on the WS - whether it's the OW wondering why he's still with the BW, or the BW wondering what attracted him to the OW - the desire to know "what's she got?" may well lead beyond a passing interest to a fixation, if only to try to achieve some kind of understanding.