Sleeping around on a "break"

[jen_r]

I originally posted this in second chances, but this spot seems more appropriate and I really need some answers/advice.

 

 

Is it "cheating" when you sleep with someone else while on a break (that you think is permanent)?

 

If you've gone through a similar situation, how do you forgive and move past it? Is it even a forgivable act? I feel so strongly that it is type of cheating and that it is unforgivable - but i'm not sure if i'm over-reacting.

[Trimmer]

I originally posted this in second chances, but this spot seems more appropriate and I really need some answers/advice.

 

 

Is it "cheating" when you sleep with someone else while on a break (that you think is permanent)?

 

If you've gone through a similar situation, how do you forgive and move past it? Is it even a forgivable act? I feel so strongly that it is type of cheating and that it is unforgivable - but i'm not sure if i'm over-reacting.

 

If all you said was "We're on a 'break'" and walked away from each other, then you did an extremely incomplete job of communicating your intentions, and you are almost certainly set up for some kind of disappointing misunderstanding. If you didn't talk about this, then anything you do (or anything we tell you is "OK" or "not OK") is guesswork. There is NO definition of a "break" other than what you discuss with your partner.

 

You said "a break (that you think is permanent)"... I'm assuming you are talking about yourself here, so I'll continue in the second person: did you discuss the nature of the break, and whether it was permanent or not? Most people would term that a "break up", not a break, but "most people" don't matter when you stumble into an understanding with your partner. At that point, what matters is what the two of you thought and communicated (or failed to) and it won't help in the least to come into the misunderstanding after the fact talking about what "most people" would have thought, when you could have just TALKED beforehand.

 

So, it sounds like you are at the point where the "break" has already been declared (whether by agreement, or unilaterally? You really need to give more details here...) and someone (you, your partner, an anonymous "friend" you are talking about?) has slept around. All I can say is that if the partners didn't discuss and agree to some boundaries when the break started (just like it's good to do in an active relationship) then it won't matter what we say - you may well have a misunderstanding on your hands...

 

Final thought: if the break was permanent, what does it matter what one or the other person did? I suspect there's more to this situation than you have explained...

[glimmer]

I originally posted this in second chances, but this spot seems more appropriate and I really need some answers/advice.

 

 

Is it "cheating" when you sleep with someone else while on a break (that you think is permanent)?

 

If you've gone through a similar situation, how do you forgive and move past it? Is it even a forgivable act? I feel so strongly that it is type of cheating and that it is unforgivable - but i'm not sure if i'm over-reacting.

 

It's not cheating. The other person you were broken up with should not be told about it. It really is no one's but your business what you do as a single person. And yes, a break is broken up otherwise you are exclusive.

[xpaperxcutx]

Personally, I think there are things you can do, but ultimately shouldn't say out loud. If I have to sleep around, I wouldn't want to be a relationship.

 

There was one time I messed around with a couple while on a break. It was one those chalk it up to being drunk things that I don't talk about.

[jen_r]

If all you said was "We're on a 'break'" and walked away from each other, then you did an extremely incomplete job of communicating your intentions, and you are almost certainly set up for some kind of disappointing misunderstanding. If you didn't talk about this, then anything you do (or anything we tell you is "OK" or "not OK") is guesswork. There is NO definition of a "break" other than what you discuss with your partner.

 

You said "a break (that you think is permanent)"... I'm assuming you are talking about yourself here, so I'll continue in the second person: did you discuss the nature of the break, and whether it was permanent or not? Most people would term that a "break up", not a break, but "most people" don't matter when you stumble into an understanding with your partner. At that point, what matters is what the two of you thought and communicated (or failed to) and it won't help in the least to come into the misunderstanding after the fact talking about what "most people" would have thought, when you could have just TALKED beforehand.

 

So, it sounds like you are at the point where the "break" has already been declared (whether by agreement, or unilaterally? You really need to give more details here...) and someone (you, your partner, an anonymous "friend" you are talking about?) has slept around. All I can say is that if the partners didn't discuss and agree to some boundaries when the break started (just like it's good to do in an active relationship) then it won't matter what we say - you may well have a misunderstanding on your hands...

 

Final thought: if the break was permanent, what does it matter what one or the other person did? I suspect there's more to this situation than you have explained...

 

I'm gonna give you the cliftnotes on what happend with our relationship (but I'd really like to hear how you would handle the situation if it were you.)

 

Together for 2 years. We broke up the first week in January. He pulled NC on me pretty hardcore. Blocked my cell, fb, email. No communication for over a month. We got in contact with each other last week, ended up hangin out this past weekend. Slept together. He says he wants me back. I found out he slept with another girl. I feel as though that that is disgusting. You couldn't wait longer than a month to screw somebody? Am I being dumb for having this bother me so much? What would you do?

[Call Me Al]

Unless when you went on a break you had established rules or barriers as far as what is and isnt ok, you cant really blame him...nor could he you if the situation was reversed.

[xpaperxcutx]

I'm gonna give you the cliftnotes on what happend with our relationship (but I'd really like to hear how you would handle the situation if it were you.)

 

Together for 2 years. We broke up the first week in January. He pulled NC on me pretty hardcore. Blocked my cell, fb, email. No communication for over a month. We got in contact with each other last week, ended up hangin out this past weekend. Slept together. He says he wants me back. I found out he slept with another girl. I feel as though that that is disgusting. You couldn't wait longer than a month to screw somebody? Am I being dumb for having this bother me so much? What would you do?

 

On a break does not equate to breaking up, which was what your bf did.

 

It seemed like he just wanted to sleep around and when he's done that, you're the " backup". No, don't take him back.

[jen_r]

Unless when you went on a break you had established rules or barriers as far as what is and isnt ok, you cant really blame him...nor could he you if the situation was reversed.

 

Could you forgive it if you were in this situation?

[jen_r]

On a break does not equate to breaking up, which was what your bf did.

 

It seemed like he just wanted to sleep around and when he's done that, you're the " backup". No, don't take him back.

 

We weren't on a break. I truly thought things were over and I guess so did he. He said he had no intentions on ever getting back with me.

[Call Me Al]

Could you forgive it if you were in this situation?

 

Hard to say. Im a fairly jealous person in some ways, so I can imagine I would have an equally hard time dealing with it.

 

As far as the context of the relationship, he was in the clear to do what he wanted but like papercut said...it almost sounded like he wanted to just keep you on the back burner.

[xpaperxcutx]

We weren't on a break. I truly thought things were over and I guess so did he. He said he had no intentions on ever getting back with me.

 

Dumpers regret? Whatever his reasons are, I'm assuming it's more selfish than actually wanting to be with you.

 

How do you feel personally? Do you still have feelings for him? I personally don't think a second chance should be warranted especially if the ex doesn't know what s/he wants.

[glimmer]

 

Together for 2 years. We broke up the first week in January. He pulled NC on me pretty hardcore. Blocked my cell, fb, email. No communication for over a month. We got in contact with each other last week, ended up hangin out this past weekend. Slept together. He says he wants me back. I found out he slept with another girl. I feel as though that that is disgusting. You couldn't wait longer than a month to screw somebody? Am I being dumb for having this bother me so much? What would you do?

 

What I would do really depends on the circumstances surrounding the breakup. Was it mutual? Did he shock you out of no where and break up with you? Or were you two already seeing less of each other with awareness that there were problems? Did you two already attempt to address your issues before the breakup? Did you break up with him?

 

There are so many different variables that could be involved here. I don't think it would be fair for us to give you advice without really knowing.

 

By the way, how did you find out he slept with someone else? Did it take snooping or did you ask and he tell you? How long has he known that girl?

[jen_r]

Hard to say. Im a fairly jealous person in some ways, so I can imagine I would have an equally hard time dealing with it.

 

As far as the context of the relationship, he was in the clear to do what he wanted but like papercut said...it almost sounded like he wanted to just keep you on the back burner.

 

 

Yea, I feel really jealous right now. The thought of them being in bed together and him touching her and kissing her and being inside makes me wanna f**king vomit.

 

I guess I have my answer right in front of me...I don't think this is something I'll ever be able to get over.

[jen_r]

What I would do really depends on the circumstances surrounding the breakup. Was it mutual? Did he shock you out of no where and break up with you? Or were you two already seeing less of each other with awareness that there were problems? Did you two already attempt to address your issues before the breakup? Did you break up with him?

 

There are so many different variables that could be involved here. I don't think it would be fair for us to give you advice without really knowing.

 

By the way, how did you find out he slept with someone else? Did it take snooping or did you ask and he tell you? How long has he known that girl?

 

He broke up with me, we have had problems the past year. He basically shut me out of his life and told me to **** off. He has known this girl for a long time. He was sleeping with her before we started dating, and i've had words with her before telling her to back off. Everytime he breaks up with a gf, he runs to this easy piece of trash.

[jen_r]

Dumpers regret? Whatever his reasons are, I'm assuming it's more selfish than actually wanting to be with you.

 

How do you feel personally? Do you still have feelings for him? I personally don't think a second chance should be warranted especially if the ex doesn't know what s/he wants.

 

I love him more than anything and waited for him to come back to me. Now that he wants me back there is this huge situation in the way. I want the strength to walk away...but I love him.

[Call Me Al]

hmm yea, why bother then? Next time things get bad, he will probably just do the same.

[glimmer]

He broke up with me, we have had problems the past year. He basically shut me out of his life and told me to **** off. He has known this girl for a long time. He was sleeping with her before we started dating, and i've had words with her before telling her to back off. Everytime he breaks up with a gf, he runs to this easy piece of trash.

 

:love:Ok that's it. Don't take the dirtbag back. Go NC immediately after telling him it was a mistake to reconnect and you are not interested in anymore communication from him. Immediately block him in every way you can so that you're not tempted to engage in back and forth with him.

[jen_r]

hmm yea, why bother then? Next time things get bad, he will probably just do the same.

 

Side note, is your username from that song "you can calllll meee allllll, call me al" lol I forget who sings it but Chevy Chase is in the music video

[Trimmer]

Thanks, that rounds out the situation a little better.

 

Together for 2 years. We broke up the first week in January.

Did you more or less "agree" to break up, or did he just disappear without a trace into NC? You are referring to it here as a "break up" instead of a "break"... Personally, I find that an important distinction; if you referred to it that way when you talked (or yelled? ) about it the first week in January, at least that seems like somewhat clear communication that it was thought to be permanent. Do you feel like you had a meeting of the minds on this? Did you understand each others' intentions - even if it was under heavy emotional turmoil at the time?

 

He pulled NC on me pretty hardcore. Blocked my cell, fb, email. No communication for over a month. We got in contact with each other last week, ended up hangin out this past weekend. Slept together. He says he wants me back. I found out he slept with another girl. I feel as though that that is disgusting. You couldn't wait longer than a month to screw somebody? Am I being dumb for having this bother me so much? What would you do?

I have thoughts on two sides here.

 

Some will ask: was he right (or "was it OK", or "was he entitled") to go out and sleep with someone else. To that, just very objectively, I would probably say "yes" - it seems clear that you were broken up (unless you tell me more detail otherwise), and at the time were each assuming it was over and planning to move on.

 

So the other side comes in when he turns around, after breaking up and cutting you off - appparently making his intentions very clear - and comes back and says that he wants to get back with you. I am going to guess - and again, correct me if I'm wrong - that when you put that together with the fact that he slept with someone in the relatively short interim, you get a different picture than the one you thought you had of the person you were with for those 2 years. Also, I think it's at least a little sleazy that when he got back together with you, he didn't come clean at first about his other activities. I know some will say you were broken up, but his intention to get back together with you on such a short time frame makes this different...

 

Those are my two sides. Like I said, as an objective observer, I don't find it inherently disgusting that someone who breaks up for good would go out and have a fling - I may think that it contributes to my overall picture of that person, but I personally don't find it horrible in itself. But putting myself in your shoes, and combining that with his wanting to get back together, I would understand your dissonance at having your image of him upset so severely - losing him, having the hope (which I assume was a positive thing for you?) of getting back together, and then having that image re-distorted with the knowledge of his activities during your time apart...

 

So in the end, for me it never comes down to a simple yes/no answer to "was it cheating"? Or at least, if you believe you have found that answer for you, it still doesn't resolve your situation, does it? Whatever word you assign to it doesn't matter. What you have before you is the possibility of a continued relationship, but on radically altered terms and circumstances, and with a wildly different image of your partner than you had before, and so that's how I hear your question: am I just over-reacting? And my answer is not so much to say that he was simply right or wrong for what he did - your reaction is not simply to that, but to the overall scenario you have before you, and to being tossed back and forth by the breakup, the hope of reconciliation, the revelation, and the need to recreate a very different view of any possible future relationship.

 

Bottom line - and now this is strictly my subjective opinion - for me, the relationship could not and would not be able to just pick up like it was a "break" and nothing happened. I believe I would feel like this was new information about this person, and while I'm not saying it was "wrong" or "cheating" for him to do that, I - like you - would probably be pretty freaked out about it, and would really have to consider whether I wanted to start a new relationship with this new person that I had a very different view of as a result of all this.

 

And to get even more subjective and reactionary, if you were my daughter, I would probably suggest that you boot him.

[Call Me Al]

Side note, is your username from that song "you can calllll meee allllll, call me al" lol I forget who sings it but Chevy Chase is in the music video

 

haha yea the Paul Simon song.

[glimmer]

Sorry I thought that was the ANGRY FACE emoticon.

[jen_r]

:love:Ok that's it. Don't take the dirtbag back. Go NC immediately after telling him it was a mistake to reconnect and you are not interested in anymore communication from him. Immediately block him in every way you can so that you're not tempted to engage in back and forth with him.

 

Ah. You're right. I don't need this crap. I just needed a slap in the face to think rationally.

[xpaperxcutx]

He broke up with me, we have had problems the past year. He basically shut me out of his life and told me to **** off. He has known this girl for a long time. He was sleeping with her before we started dating, and i've had words with her before telling her to back off. Everytime he breaks up with a gf, he runs to this easy piece of trash.

 

Red flags.

 

 

I love him more than anything and waited for him to come back to me. Now that he wants me back there is this huge situation in the way. I want the strength to walk away...but I love him.

 

No, I'm sure at this moment, it's easy to not love him.

hmm yea, why bother then? Next time things get bad, he will probably just do the same.

 

 

Exactly.

 

Don't take him back. I wouldn't be able to forgive anyone who writes me out of their lives so easily.

[jen_r]

Thanks, that rounds out the situation a little better.

 

 

Did you more or less "agree" to break up, or did he just disappear without a trace into NC? You are referring to it here as a "break up" instead of a "break"... Personally, I find that an important distinction; if you referred to it that way when you talked (or yelled? ) about it the first week in January, at least that seems like somewhat clear communication that it was thought to be permanent. Do you feel like you had a meeting of the minds on this? Did you understand each others' intentions - even if it was under heavy emotional turmoil at the time?

 

 

I have thoughts on two sides here.

 

Some will ask: was he right (or "was it OK", or "was he entitled") to go out and sleep with someone else. To that, just very objectively, I would probably say "yes" - it seems clear that you were broken up (unless you tell me more detail otherwise), and at the time were each assuming it was over and planning to move on.

 

So the other side comes in when he turns around, after breaking up and cutting you off - appparently making his intentions very clear - and comes back and says that he wants to get back with you. I am going to guess - and again, correct me if I'm wrong - that when you put that together with the fact that he slept with someone in the relatively short interim, you get a different picture than the one you thought you had of the person you were with for those 2 years. Also, I think it's at least a little sleazy that when he got back together with you, he didn't come clean at first about his other activities. I know some will say you were broken up, but his intention to get back together with you on such a short time frame makes this different...

 

Those are my two sides. Like I said, as an objective observer, I don't find it inherently disgusting that someone who breaks up for good would go out and have a fling - I may think that it contributes to my overall picture of that person, but I personally don't find it horrible in itself. But putting myself in your shoes, and combining that with his wanting to get back together, I would understand your dissonance at having your image of him upset so severely - losing him, having the hope (which I assume was a positive thing for you?) of getting back together, and then having that image re-distorted with the knowledge of his activities during your time apart...

 

So in the end, for me it never comes down to a simple yes/no answer to "was it cheating"? Or at least, if you believe you have found that answer for you, it still doesn't resolve your situation, does it? Whatever word you assign to it doesn't matter. What you have before you is the possibility of a continued relationship, but on radically altered terms and circumstances, and with a wildly different image of your partner than you had before, and so that's how I hear your question: am I just over-reacting? And my answer is not so much to say that he was simply right or wrong for what he did - your reaction is not simply to that, but to the overall scenario you have before you, and to being tossed back and forth by the breakup, the hope of reconciliation, the revelation, and the need to recreate a very different view of any possible future relationship.

 

Bottom line - and now this is strictly my subjective opinion - for me, the relationship could not and would not be able to just pick up like it was a "break" and nothing happened. I believe I would feel like this was new information about this person, and while I'm not saying it was "wrong" or "cheating" for him to do that, I - like you - would probably be pretty freaked out about it, and would really have to consider whether I wanted to start a new relationship with this new person that I had a very different view of as a result of all this.

 

And to get even more subjective and reactionary, if you were my daughter, I would probably suggest that you boot him.

 

 

Wow, thanks for that. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that we only shared our bodies with each other for 2 years and he went and did an initmate act with someone else. Maybe I view sex differently than other people do? I do view him as a different person, and if we got back together I probably would always view him as a different person. Maybe I wont love this different person. Granted, we were broken up....it just seems wrong.

[Trimmer]

Don't take him back. I wouldn't be able to forgive anyone who writes me out of their lives so easily.

Yeah, that's it for me. Like I did above, I can objectively make the argument that he was technically clear to get with someone else if he was truly and clearly broken up with you. However, upon coming back and asking to get back together, it doesn't seem like he spent much of that brief time in any kind of thoughtful contemplation, in healing, or improving himself to come back to the relationship a better person, ready to move on to a higher level together...

 

I bet he imagines going right back to the way things were, but now, by seeing this side of him, you have moved on in a sense, and I hope you have gained some wisdom and insight that will guide you to a sensible move here...

Edited February 21, 2011 by Trimmer
corrected misspelling. I hate it when that happens...