Sleeping around on a "break"

[Trimmer]

Wow, thanks for that. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that we only shared our bodies with each other for 2 years and he went and did an initmate act with someone else. Maybe I view sex differently than other people do? I do view him as a different person, and if we got back together I probably would always view him as a different person. Maybe I wont love this different person. Granted, we were broken up....it just seems wrong.

I think you can somewhat understand that dichotomy by acknowledging that he may have been "right" in the technical sense (since you were broken up) but also staking your ground that you are entitled to see him as "wrong - for you" now that he did that. There's not an objective answer to that one; it's your decision to make, and I understand your misgivings.

 

And I don't think you are seeing sex and intimacy all that far away from the norm - I believe I would feel the same as you. For someone I was intimate with for a long period to bounce away and be with someone else right away, I would feel sadness and grief, and like yeah sure, maybe they were entitled if we were really broken up, but that it was an expression of truly and finally closing a door on the intimacy we had shared. Then to come back and try to pick that all up again - I would have a real problem with that, too.

[jen_r]

I think you can somewhat understand that dichotomy by acknowledging that he may have been "right" in the technical sense (since you were broken up) but also staking your ground that you are entitled to see him as "wrong - for you" now that he did that. There's not an objective answer to that one; it's your decision to make, and I understand your misgivings.

 

And I don't think you are seeing sex and intimacy all that far away from the norm - I believe I would feel the same as you. For someone I was intimate with for a long period to bounce away and be with someone else right away, I would feel sadness and grief, and like yeah sure, maybe they were entitled if we were really broken up, but that it was an expression of truly and finally closing a door on the intimacy we had shared. Then to come back and try to pick that all up again - I would have a real problem with that, too.

 

Thanks you so much for responding to me. You are really making me feel as if I am not crazy. Can I ask you one more thing? Is it possible to take him back? I would be stupid if I did, right?

[Call Me Al]

I think if you did take him back you run the risk of not only forever harboring resentment towards him for sleeping with another girl, but always keeping yourself on edge worrying that his past behaviors may be something he repeats.

 

 

Bottom line: Not worth it.

[jen_r]

I think if you did take him back you run the risk of not only forever harboring resentment towards him for sleeping with another girl, but always keeping yourself on edge worrying that his past behaviors may be something he repeats.

 

 

Bottom line: Not worth it.

 

God, I am so confused. Why did this have to happen. You are right, I would harbor resentment and I would be constantly worrying about him f**king up... I dont know if i have the strenth to say goodbye, but i need to find it. i need to.

[Trimmer]

Thanks you so much for responding to me. You are really making me feel as if I am not crazy. Can I ask you one more thing? Is it possible to take him back? I would be stupid if I did, right?

Aw, Sweetie - you made me laugh...

 

Simple answer: probably yes. But such an answer is never really as simple as that.

 

Rather than telling you what to think ("Don't take him back") I would like you to really step back out of your grief at the loss, take a look at the big picture, and be able to get there yourself - and I think you are starting to do that.

 

Think of your image of the guy you spent the 2 years with, up to the breakup. Now, this isn't the image you get to use when you imagine what it would be like to get back together. For that you have to integrate the entire breakup scenario- how he treated you when you broke up, how he treated you when you got back together (sleeping with you without telling you about the other girl...) and really, really put all that together with what is acceptable for you, what you deserve, and what you will live with in the long term.

 

Also, I can't conclude from what you've written so far, but if the fear of being alone is part of what is pushing you along here, I completely understand, but I strongly suggest you see that for what it is, and separate that out from what remaining desire you have to be with him.

 

That's why I asked you earlier how old you are... If you're relatively young (relative to me, anyway...) then a 2 year relationship is a significant proportion of your adult life, and I would understand a desire to "go back" to that, and the security it represents.

 

But let me counsel that in order to really bet your best, you would do well to learn to be a strong, independent person on your own, even (especially!) if that means spending some time out of a relationship. That makes you better grounded and capable as an individual when you enter your next relationship.

 

So I don't know if that fear of being alone is part of your consideration, but if it is, meet it head-on, and cast it aside in your consideration of whether this guy is right for you. See him clearly - the guy he has shown you he is now, and don't be misled by fantasies or ideals or ideas that you will change him to be the better guy you need. He has shown you who he is. See that clearly, and make your choice.

[Call Me Al]

It happened because he thought with his dick instead of his brain. Sorry to be blunt, but thats the reality of the beast.

 

If you dont feel like you have the strength...imagine yourself trying to be ok with it and thinking about it every time you look at him. Maybe it sounds counterproductive but really imagine him with that other girl. How does it make you feel? Angry? Jealous? Filled with rage?

 

 

Let that emotion sink in for a moment. Is it really worth it?

[jen_r]

Aw, Sweetie - you made me laugh...

 

Simple answer: probably yes. But such an answer is never really as simple as that.

 

Rather than telling you what to think ("Don't take him back") I would like you to really step back out of your grief at the loss, take a look at the big picture, and be able to get there yourself - and I think you are starting to do that.

 

Think of your image of the guy you spent the 2 years with, up to the breakup. Now, this isn't the image you get to use when you imagine what it would be like to get back together. For that you have to integrate the entire breakup scenario- how he treated you when you broke up, how he treated you when you got back together (sleeping with you without telling you about the other girl...) and really, really put all that together with what is acceptable for you, what you deserve, and what you will live with in the long term.

 

Also, I can't conclude from what you've written so far, but if the fear of being alone is part of what is pushing you along here, I completely understand, but I strongly suggest you see that for what it is, and separate that out from what remaining desire you have to be with him.

 

That's why I asked you earlier how old you are... If you're relatively young (relative to me, anyway...) then a 2 year relationship is a significant proportion of your adult life, and I would understand a desire to "go back" to that, and the security it represents.

 

But let me counsel that in order to really bet your best, you would do well to learn to be a strong, independent person on your own, even (especially!) if that means spending some time out of a relationship. That makes you better grounded and capable as an individual when you enter your next relationship.

 

So I don't know if that fear of being alone is part of your consideration, but if it is, meet it head-on, and cast it aside in your consideration of whether this guy is right for you. See him clearly - the guy he has shown you he is now, and don't be misled by fantasies or ideals or ideas that you will change him to be the better guy you need. He has shown you who he is. See that clearly, and make your choice.

 

I am 26. First serious relationship, first love - I'm sure that says alot right there. Towards the end of the month I felt like I was doing okay with not talking to him and not seeing him, and then he comes back into the picture and turns my world upside down and now i'm not thinking clearly. Perhaps that is my first mistake - talking to him to begin with!

 

I think I know the answer to my question...I just needed to hear it from other people. I can't be with him...i would torment him and drive him crazy with jealously and in doing so I would drive myself crazy. I just cant belive that after all this crap i've been through, when the kid finally wants me back I cant even take him back because he's ruined what I thought we had.