is the MM necessarily evil?

[joey66]

In reading the threads here it seems to me that the MM is often vilified. (No surprise that.) And I am willing to admit that oftentimes he deserves all the rancor directed his way. The general consensus seems to be, and correct me please if I am wrong, that any decent MM would either (i) not get involved in an EMR, or (ii) if he felt so strongly about the OW that he couldn't help himself, then he would come clean to his W immediately. That is, there seems to be no justification for MMs to enter affairs.

 

Is there some middle ground in this? If an MM is having an A does that automatically mean he is a bad person, a scumbag, etc.? Can a nice, decent married guy have an EMR, or is that a fundamental contradiction?

[jj33]

Joey what you see here are people in pain. So someone is going to get whacked up side the head. Someone has to be blamed and in many cases the blame is appropriate. However I would not generalize that way.

 

Marriages are individual to the 2 people in them. People may put on a perfect family facade for the world but have a very different private arranagement. They may not want to admit that to the outside world. There may be complicatoins that cause them to stay together. I dont think its so black and white.

 

Sometimes an affair is a wake up call and the marriage grows stronger. Sometimes the A helps the man stay married. Sometimes the OW is happy with a part time relationship.

 

I dont think there are any abosolutes.

[desertIslandCactus]

The marriage partner who enters into adultery is thought to be the responsible one.

 

If the two cannot live together or if the M vows have been broken, then D is supposed to be the option, before another R. Originally it was probably designed that the two in a M are supposed to work things out.

[fooled once]

In reading the threads here it seems to me that the MM is often vilified. (No surprise that.) And I am willing to admit that oftentimes he deserves all the rancor directed his way. The general consensus seems to be, and correct me please if I am wrong, that any decent MM would either (i) not get involved in an EMR, or (ii) if he felt so strongly about the OW that he couldn't help himself, then he would come clean to his W immediately. That is, there seems to be no justification for MMs to enter affairs.

 

Is there some middle ground in this? If an MM is having an A does that automatically mean he is a bad person, a scumbag, etc.? Can a nice, decent married guy have an EMR, or is that a fundamental contradiction?

 

I am not sure if "evil" is correct, but what word would best describe someone who is dishonest, untrustworthy, has no honor, is devious, is a liar, is a cheat, is disrespectful, who is manipulative and who betrays another.

 

I agree with your two consensus. In my view, a good person would get involved in an affair and a good person would not lie and betray another. In MY mind, any MM having an affair is not a good person; or at least his actions show he is not a good person. In MY view, a nice, decent married guy does NOT have an affair.

[whichwayisup]

In MY mind, any MM having an affair is not a good person;

 

How about it just being, the MM isn't a very good husband. Or the MW wasn't a very good wife.

 

Bill Clinton. Is he a good person or a bad person? Other people in politics who have had affairs, actors/actresses, musicians, other famous people. Are they good people or bad people?

[Distant78]

In reading the threads here it seems to me that the MM is often vilified. (No surprise that.) And I am willing to admit that oftentimes he deserves all the rancor directed his way. The general consensus seems to be, and correct me please if I am wrong, that any decent MM would either (i) not get involved in an EMR, or (ii) if he felt so strongly about the OW that he couldn't help himself, then he would come clean to his W immediately. That is, there seems to be no justification for MMs to enter affairs.

 

Is there some middle ground in this? If an MM is having an A does that automatically mean he is a bad person, a scumbag, etc.? Can a nice, decent married guy have an EMR, or is that a fundamental contradiction?

 

No MM/OM who participates in infidelity is nice. They're all evil. Someone who cheats and/or messes with someone else's woman is not a nice person, whether they're the POTUS or a billionaire.

[bentnotbroken]

Is there some middle ground in this?

No

 

If an MM is having an A does that automatically mean he is a bad person, a scumbag, etc.?

yes

 

Can a nice, decent married guy have an EMR

no

 

or is that a fundamental contradiction?

yes

 

 

I hope I wasn't too wishy washy:cool:

[wheelwright]

I am not sure if "evil" is correct, but what word would best describe someone who is dishonest, untrustworthy, has no honor, is devious, is a liar, is a cheat, is disrespectful, who is manipulative and who betrays another.

 

I agree with your two consensus. In my view, a good person would get involved in an affair and a good person would not lie and betray another. In MY mind, any MM having an affair is not a good person; or at least his actions show he is not a good person. In MY view, a nice, decent married guy does NOT have an affair.

 

But FO you forget the complications. Sometimes the W or H who become BSs already treated WS as bolded.

 

Good people do bad things all the time. Simply by the nature of good and bad and the way that interacts with people.

 

Lying is sometimes good. Even killing someone can be a good thing. I reckon that an A could be a good thing by way of extrapolation if nothing else.

 

Decent people have As. Face it. It's possible.

[bentnotbroken]

But FO you forget the complications. Sometimes the W or H who become BSs already treated WS as bolded.

 

Good people do bad things all the time. Simply by the nature of good and bad and the way that interacts with people.

 

Lying is sometimes good. Even killing someone can be a good thing. I reckon that an A could be a good thing by way of extrapolation if nothing else.

 

Decent people have As. Face it. It's possible.

 

 

It's possible the world will end within the next 5 minutes. Anything is possible, doesn't make it true though.

[BeachBetty]

I do not believe in such absolutes as ALWAYS good or evil...

 

People are human and make mistakes or bad choices or choices that they thought were good at the time and turned out to be not so good.

 

People are fallible. And they are deserving of forgiveness and a chance to make it right. So I do not see adultery in the same category as evil.

 

Otherwise why would BS's try to reconcile with someone who is "evil?"

[wheelwright]

It's possible the world will end within the next 5 minutes. Anything is possible, doesn't make it true though.

 

Can you disprove it?

[seren]

Well, my H is a dammed good man and the OW is a good woman too. However, the A wasn't good by any stretch of the imagination, but, given the circumstances at that time I understand why it happened. Was H a good man at that time? fundamentally yes. I don't know how the OW was, but I am sure she took care of her family and was a nice enough person too.

 

If I thought my H wasn't a good person I wouldn't be here, both he and me acknowledge that he wasn't the man he usually is at that time, not to me or the OW, but at heart and tucked away inside he was still the good person he always was and is.

 

A's happen, they hurt like hell and had he left to be with the OW, I would still think him a good man. I think all A's are bad, but not necessarily undertaken by bad people.

[bentnotbroken]

Can you disprove it?

 

 

:laugh:No WW no more than you can prove it? Stale mate.

[fooled once]

How about it just being, the MM isn't a very good husband. Or the MW wasn't a very good wife.

 

Bill Clinton. Is he a good person or a bad person? Other people in politics who have had affairs, actors/actresses, musicians, other famous people. Are they good people or bad people?

 

Actually, I meant to say their behavior isn't good. And because it is a conscious choice to cheat, and a conscious decision to lie and deceive, I think I am back at my original thought of not good people.

 

Clinton? He's a dick IMHO LOL

 

I guess if people need to think that cheaters are good people that's their view. For me, after thinking more on it, I think that their decisions and actions are really ****ty and therefore, not good. IF they decide to end the affair, admit to their actions and work towards remorse and changing their behavior, then I would concede that they are good people. But from what I read on here and know in real life, they aren't good people.

 

 

But FO you forget the complications. Sometimes the W or H who become BSs already treated WS as bolded.

 

Good people do bad things all the time. Simply by the nature of good and bad and the way that interacts with people.

 

Lying is sometimes good. Even killing someone can be a good thing. I reckon that an A could be a good thing by way of extrapolation if nothing else.

 

Decent people have As. Face it. It's possible.

 

Sorry, but I can't agree that an affair is a good thing. Never will. And I was giving MY view. No one has to agree with it.

 

I disagree that lying is sometimes good - and no, I am not talking about "does this make me look fat" type of lying.

 

I am talking about bold faced lying and manipulation. Again, if someone is so unhappy and miserable in a relationship - END IT instead of cheating.

 

Decent people have A's - that is your view. Not mine.

[wheelwright]

:laugh:No WW no more than you can prove it? Stale mate.

 

Guess that's where we're at

[wheelwright]

Actually, I meant to say their behavior isn't good. And because it is a conscious choice to cheat, and a conscious decision to lie and deceive, I think I am back at my original thought of not good people.

 

Clinton? He's a dick IMHO LOL

 

I guess if people need to think that cheaters are good people that's their view. For me, after thinking more on it, I think that their decisions and actions are really ****ty and therefore, not good. IF they decide to end the affair, admit to their actions and work towards remorse and changing their behavior, then I would concede that they are good people. But from what I read on here and know in real life, they aren't good people.

 

 

 

 

Sorry, but I can't agree that an affair is a good thing. Never will. And I was giving MY view. No one has to agree with it.

 

I disagree that lying is sometimes good - and no, I am not talking about "does this make me look fat" type of lying.

 

I am talking about bold faced lying and manipulation. Again, if someone is so unhappy and miserable in a relationship - END IT instead of cheating.

 

Decent people have A's - that is your view. Not mine.

 

I have done a head count. I wanted to come up with a percentage. No point. All the people I know and love (apart from kids - and they are working on it ) have at some point been involved in active infidelity. Except those who have spent most of their life single.

 

I am not saying it's a good thing. But I know for a fact we are all flawed, and if that isn't one of yours, you'll have another one.

 

It's entirely natural to want it. Even more so if your M is dead.

[blind_otter]

No one is evil. Everyone is doing the best they can with the tools that they have available to them.

[BB07]

In reading the threads here it seems to me that the MM is often vilified. (No surprise that.) And I am willing to admit that oftentimes he deserves all the rancor directed his way. The general consensus seems to be, and correct me please if I am wrong, that any decent MM would either (i) not get involved in an EMR, or (ii) if he felt so strongly about the OW that he couldn't help himself, then he would come clean to his W immediately. That is, there seems to be no justification for MMs to enter affairs.

 

Is there some middle ground in this? If an MM is having an A does that automatically mean he is a bad person, a scumbag, etc.? Can a nice, decent married guy have an EMR, or is that a fundamental contradiction?

 

A contradiction because he has promised someone else that he would be true and faithful.

 

Some MM have black hearts that really are evil, some are mixed up, some don't have good boundaries, some lie to themselves either when they made that first promise in marriage or later when they are breaking it. In my view........having an affair for whatever reason is not an honorable thing to do because of the promise made.

 

With that said we all have done dishonorable things, myself included.

[Woggle]

Yes they are. Plenty of talented people who made great art are also horrible people. Being gifted does not excuse the behavior.

[blind_otter]

Yes they are. Plenty of talented people who made great art are also horrible people. Being gifted does not excuse the behavior.

 

Psychologically, from a subjective viewpoint, everyone rationalizes their behavior to create a cognitively appropriate persona. The percentage of people who truly have pathological psychotic tendencies is small enough that you can leave that population out of a reasonable discussion.

 

That being said, everyone is doing what they are doing for a reason, and most people are so focused on themselves that they don't or can't consider the collateral damage of their choices. That is not intentional harm, so I don't label that as malicious intent.

[NoIDidn't]

In reading the threads here it seems to me that the MM is often vilified. (No surprise that.) And I am willing to admit that oftentimes he deserves all the rancor directed his way. The general consensus seems to be, and correct me please if I am wrong, that any decent MM would either (i) not get involved in an EMR, or (ii) if he felt so strongly about the OW that he couldn't help himself, then he would come clean to his W immediately. That is, there seems to be no justification for MMs to enter affairs.

 

Is there some middle ground in this? If an MM is having an A does that automatically mean he is a bad person, a scumbag, etc.? Can a nice, decent married guy have an EMR, or is that a fundamental contradiction?

 

I agree about the middle ground. In fact, my first thread was about this very subject. I haven't read all the replies to the OP, but I was told that the MM deserved the treatment just because he cheated according to other BSs and just because he didn't leave like he promised he would according to the OWs.

 

This is a tough crowd. Each wants what it believes its due.

 

I think the middle ground depends on the individual MM. I think some are emotionally stunted people that just need to grow up. I think some are out of suck the life out of any woman they encounter - OW or W. But most have just gotten in over their heads. They made the very poor decision to cheat thinking they could control the feelings that may develop, or thinking they wouldn't develop any feelings, and it takes over and has a life of its own (the feelings in the A).

 

Its not too hard to figure out, or at least assume, which type of MM one is dealing with based on the stories here.

[pureinheart]

In reading the threads here it seems to me that the MM is often vilified. (No surprise that.) And I am willing to admit that oftentimes he deserves all the rancor directed his way. The general consensus seems to be, and correct me please if I am wrong, that any decent MM would either (i) not get involved in an EMR, or (ii) if he felt so strongly about the OW that he couldn't help himself, then he would come clean to his W immediately. That is, there seems to be no justification for MMs to enter affairs.

 

Is there some middle ground in this? If an MM is having an A does that automatically mean he is a bad person, a scumbag, etc.? Can a nice, decent married guy have an EMR, or is that a fundamental contradiction?

 

In answer to the title...that's a big NO Joey.

 

In bold..nope he is human period. Thinking here again there is that 20/20 vision thing going, meaning the ability to completely see anothers "faults", but are unable to see their own.

[kis]

In reading the threads here it seems to me that the MM is often vilified. (No surprise that.) And I am willing to admit that oftentimes he deserves all the rancor directed his way. The general consensus seems to be, and correct me please if I am wrong, that any decent MM would either (i) not get involved in an EMR, or (ii) if he felt so strongly about the OW that he couldn't help himself, then he would come clean to his W immediately. That is, there seems to be no justification for MMs to enter affairs.

 

Is there some middle ground in this? If an MM is having an A does that automatically mean he is a bad person, a scumbag, etc.? Can a nice, decent married guy have an EMR, or is that a fundamental contradiction?

 

It would be crazy to say everyone involved in a affair is evil. Life is just not that black and white. People are just trying to cope with life as it has turned out for them.

[BB07]

It would be crazy to say everyone involved in a affair is evil. Life is just not that black and white. People are just trying to cope with life as it has turned out for them.

 

Some people would say an affair is poor coping skills.

[kis]

Some people would say an affair is poor coping skills.

 

 

And yet it works for so many.