Post Affair - WW wants divorce?

[AloneAndWaiting]

I understood what Owl was saying and after another sleepless night, I saw no benefit in exposing to her workplace and much long term risk. It was a desparate attempt to break the fog and only served to make the fog thicker.

 

She did not come home nor contact me. I'm scared what that means but not scared of OM - contacted his wife again, he is not part of our situation.

 

I don't believe in divorce or lawyers or fighting over assets. I am a doormat in that respect and will always be so - take what you want and I'll be content with what's left. I made a commitment -others can break theirs but that need not change mine.

 

I am only interested in saving the marriage and I'm not giving up yet.

[2sunny]

You may have misunderstood my advice, WN.

 

I'm a firm proponent of exposure...used it quite effectively in my own situation.

 

I'm simply pointing out that it loses a LOT of it's effectiveness if the WS is forewarned that it's coming and has time to damage control.

 

yep, the WS rewrites history in order to blame shift so they look like an innocent victim of the BS. some sort of defect about the BS is magnified to justify their bad behavior enough to make them appear innocent to the outside world. a ton of effort goes into making themselves look justified.

[AloneAndWaiting]

I think there is a difference here that might be relevant to others than may read this. Mine is a case of a woman that has always had intimacy issues and anxiety about why she feels unhappy and questioned the marriage. She always questioned if she really chose the marriage or just tolerated it because it was the "right" thing to do. This is not our first experience with her desire to separate or escape for a while to deal with that anxiety. It seemed to always work out and take us to a better place, but evidently not good enough for her.

 

So I think I am dealing with a psychological issue more than a marriage issue and I have two options:

 

1. End this to the best of my short term interests by treating it as an affair-related, walk-away or mid-life crisis issue and follow a lot of the advice I've been reading. She's wronged me - I'm moving on.

 

2. End this (for now) to the best of my long term interests and try to turn it into a true separation or a divorce-light where we really do work together now to create and end that is the best environment for her to work on her without me being permanently gone because of the way it ended.

 

My son's wisdom in this matter was huge. He immediately from a thousand miles and only 24 years of life experience began appropaching this as #2. He said that is what is going to be needed and despite the pain it will cause for me and the anger/fear it creates for him - he believes that is what his mother needs from talking with her and me.

 

I have a deep love for this woman that no other relationship is going to replace in my 20 years left here on earth. We have struggled together on a long journey together and I cannot believe she is going to see any better trail companion in anyone else. I'm the full package for her when it comes to the day to day and I am the only father of any children she will ever have. If she wants a man in her life (not a date, but a full time companion), I cannot see her finding a better match because of the family issues someone new will bring to her relationship with her children.

 

So I am preparing myself to approach this as a long-term coma that as long as she is alive and not married to another, she is still there and I am still here. I have no control over the outcome, but I will remain an option and she will remain hope and I will simply be "AloneAndWaiting".

 

The next step will be to define a healthy way to be alone and waiting so lets move on to that topic.

 

I think this is called acceptance.

[2sunny]

ok... so IF you learn to be happy on your own (not depending upon ANYONE else for that) then what would that look like for YOU?

 

we can get busy living or we can get busy dying...

 

stop waiting to live a happy life - you may only get TODAY... what are YOU going to do to be happy every day you get to be alive?

[AloneAndWaiting]

Believe me, I've interpreted every scene in Shawshank Redemption as it relates to my life. It is full of imagery and anologies to life without love. Andy was wrongly accused, but in prison alone because of that, but after suffering the pain of the abusers, and working bit by bit, day by day, he escaped from his physical and mental prison - salvation lies within. And he left a way for his friend to join him once he was freed. And his friend was freed by not trying to "fake it" by being someone else, but by finally being himself. And they ended up together.

 

Unfortunately, what makes me happy has always been making other people happy - with the shortest feedback time possible. Achievement, but only because I could tell someone about. Creativity, but only because I could show it to someone. Loyalty, but only because I could feel loyalty in return. Beauty, but only because I could share it with someone. And pleasure, because I could pleasure somone equally.

 

All tough to do alone - it will be different, but not impossible.

[Owl]

So what are you actually DOING at this point to fix the situation?

 

What is she doing in response?

[AloneAndWaiting]

I'm not sure I know what you mean by "fix the situation". I am still at home in limbo waiting for the next shoe to drop hoping to rebuild friendship and trust so nothing has to happen in a hurry . We had three good weekend days that all ended with wine and cooking great meals together and sharing TV and even some foot rubs. I planted her favorite flowers in the backyard and fixed a bunch of things around the house trying to make every love bank deposit I can think of without being obvious. I don't know what is in her mind regards to plans or timing, but I am stalling for time in case there is a reconciliation path - a miracle maybe - while at the same time preparing at least mentally for the worst. She goes to IC tomorrow night so I am laying low until after that because she tenses up the anger/resolve before, peaks during, and dissipates after. She really is an amazingly different person at home outside of counciling office - no change from past years??

 

I plan to make a trip to see my son this weekend at his request. That is the extent of my fix so far.

[2sunny]

I'm not sure I know what you mean by "fix the situation". I am still at home in limbo waiting for the next shoe to drop hoping to rebuild friendship and trust so nothing has to happen in a hurry . We had three good weekend days that all ended with wine and cooking great meals together and sharing TV and even some foot rubs. I planted her favorite flowers in the backyard and fixed a bunch of things around the house trying to make every love bank deposit I can think of without being obvious. I don't know what is in her mind regards to plans or timing, but I am stalling for time in case there is a reconciliation path - a miracle maybe - while at the same time preparing at least mentally for the worst. She goes to IC tomorrow night so I am laying low until after that because she tenses up the anger/resolve before, peaks during, and dissipates after. She really is an amazingly different person at home outside of counciling office - no change from past years??

 

I plan to make a trip to see my son this weekend at his request. That is the extent of my fix so far.

 

sheez, you are so busy trying to be sure she is happy - you forget that YOUR happiness has priority too!

 

she's $hitting all over you and you are still offering to wipe HER a$$... come on dude - stop kissing her hind end! it makes a man look pathetic when she knows she doesn't want you at all - she's just gonna use you for what you'll give in to...

 

please! = read: co dependent no more - that book may seriously save your life and your ability to be happy.

[AloneAndWaiting]

It's not quite as bad as it sounds - these are things that make me happy. I love gardening, I love fixing things, I love making food and drinking wine and laughing and rubbing feet. A good foot rub gets me more compliments than good sex! Gardening is great therapy at this time of year - seeing things growing is an end to winter and a daily reminder that spring will come. And pansies are a good analogy for what I need to be (no, don't say it) - able to stand the cold and harsh conditions and still blossom is what I meant.

 

And she has actually responded a bit to the kindness by doing things she likes that she knows I like - particularly in the kitchen which has always been where she shows her love for me and the kids. Outside the counselors office, she has actually been strangely normal. You would never suspect seeing us at home together that this is a marriage in the situation it is in. It is all internal to her - always has been - like someone pointed out earlier, she is on that conflict avoidance continuum and does not know how to communicate unhappiness the way others do.

 

I'm starting to think her concept of divorce is an emotional one - not a physical one. This is more a desire to be alone more than it is a desire to be with someone else or away from me. She really does not want to be alone, but she thinks she needs to be alone if only to make sure that alone is not the solution to her unhappiness. It is the only thing she hasn't tried and there are a lot of books, songs, and people out there pushing her that direction. Eat, pray, love makes it all sound so wonderful and makes the divorced guy sound so evil . . . and I actually bought her the book!

[2sunny]

It's not quite as bad as it sounds - these are things that make me happy. I love gardening, I love fixing things, I love making food and drinking wine and laughing and rubbing feet. A good foot rub gets me more compliments than good sex! Gardening is great therapy at this time of year - seeing things growing is an end to winter and a daily reminder that spring will come. And pansies are a good analogy for what I need to be (no, don't say it) - able to stand the cold and harsh conditions and still blossom is what I meant.

 

And she has actually responded a bit to the kindness by doing things she likes that she knows I like - particularly in the kitchen which has always been where she shows her love for me and the kids. Outside the counselors office, she has actually been strangely normal. You would never suspect seeing us at home together that this is a marriage in the situation it is in. It is all internal to her - always has been - like someone pointed out earlier, she is on that conflict avoidance continuum and does not know how to communicate unhappiness the way others do.

 

I'm starting to think her concept of divorce is an emotional one - not a physical one. This is more a desire to be alone more than it is a desire to be with someone else or away from me. She really does not want to be alone, but she thinks she needs to be alone if only to make sure that alone is not the solution to her unhappiness. It is the only thing she hasn't tried and there are a lot of books, songs, and people out there pushing her that direction. Eat, pray, love makes it all sound so wonderful and makes the divorced guy sound so evil . . . and I actually bought her the book!

 

you look like you are sitting on both sides of the fence... which is it - are you divorcing or not? if you are - then you may want to stop treating her like a queen while she plans to b* slap you... i'm sure to her - you look like a fool.

 

what's with the foot rub? she's divorcing you and you're rubbing her feet? come on - that's just sick... i'm feeling sorry for you just thinking how pathetic she must think you look.

 

stop being nice to her. find a woman that appreciates your kind and gentle nature. are you so used to a woman that's mean that you need to hang on to her that much?

 

life is too short - get busy living. take up a hobby or class... stay active... workout and see friends.

[AloneAndWaiting]

Had a good visit with my son - amazing how you can still think about your relationship situation the entire day even though you are with other people. But while I was gone, my wife EMAILED both children and confessed to the affair and said it was an indication that our marraige was broken SO SHE HAD NO OTHER CHOICE but to file for divorce. My son said she is crazy for emailing our daughter who is in another country doing study abroad. He said that was about as rude as rude could be not to call her and talk to her. My daughter immediately called in tears and screaming. My son and I calmed her down but she is very angry and now wants to come home. We talked her into staying there for now.

 

My daughter called my wife the next day. I intercepted a text from my wife to her counselor asking the counselor to call her saying - "my daughter was crying, but I felt nothing".

 

I came home from the trip and did not bring up the subject as it was late and just acted detached. I noticed a stack of mail - nothing unusual.

 

This morning - well before the mail arrived - that stack of mail had a large envelope with the divorce filing in it from her attorney. It is now official. We are in a divorce.

 

Now what?

[WorldIsYours]

Had a good visit with my son - amazing how you can still think about your relationship situation the entire day even though you are with other people. But while I was gone, my wife EMAILED both children and confessed to the affair and said it was an indication that our marraige was broken SO SHE HAD NO OTHER CHOICE but to file for divorce. My son said she is crazy for emailing our daughter who is in another country doing study abroad. He said that was about as rude as rude could be not to call her and talk to her. My daughter immediately called in tears and screaming. My son and I calmed her down but she is very angry and now wants to come home. We talked her into staying there for now.

 

My daughter called my wife the next day. I intercepted a text from my wife to her counselor asking the counselor to call her saying - "my daughter was crying, but I felt nothing".

 

I came home from the trip and did not bring up the subject as it was late and just acted detached. I noticed a stack of mail - nothing unusual.

 

This morning - well before the mail arrived - that stack of mail had a large envelope with the divorce filing in it from her attorney. It is now official. We are in a divorce.

 

Now what?

 

Her child was crying and she felt nothing......

 

She's remorseful.

 

Be glad this divorce is happening. Man up and don't let this woman ruin you no more.

[2sunny]

Had a good visit with my son - amazing how you can still think about your relationship situation the entire day even though you are with other people. But while I was gone, my wife EMAILED both children and confessed to the affair and said it was an indication that our marraige was broken SO SHE HAD NO OTHER CHOICE but to file for divorce. My son said she is crazy for emailing our daughter who is in another country doing study abroad. He said that was about as rude as rude could be not to call her and talk to her. My daughter immediately called in tears and screaming. My son and I calmed her down but she is very angry and now wants to come home. We talked her into staying there for now.

 

My daughter called my wife the next day. I intercepted a text from my wife to her counselor asking the counselor to call her saying - "my daughter was crying, but I felt nothing".

 

I came home from the trip and did not bring up the subject as it was late and just acted detached. I noticed a stack of mail - nothing unusual.

 

This morning - well before the mail arrived - that stack of mail had a large envelope with the divorce filing in it from her attorney. It is now official. We are in a divorce.

 

Now what?

 

now what? read above... you keep getting great advice but you are ignoring suggestions.

 

take the blinders off - protect your assets and yourself... move forward and start living.

 

treat her as if she doesn't exist - and STOP doing nice things to the woman that is screwing you, your life and your family.

 

speak your truth - tell her what her actions look like - a cold hearted B*****.

[2sunny]

If an enemy attacked, I would sacrifice all to prevent any of them from having pain.

 

she has now made herself the enemy... it's just getting more obvious to the other family members.

 

This situation is no different. The enemy is within their mother - it is not their mother.

 

it's one and the same = same person... just the new version of who she is showing you she is - and what she's capable of.

 

I can't attack the enemy within without attacking the host.

 

no need to "attack" just speak your truth when asked... give the evidence of HER actions... just the facts - not gossip or feelings... when she asks why you may be telling when asked - allow her to understand you are only sharing what reality is... if she doesn't like it - maybe she shouldn't have done what she did. her actions will speak for her... she IS going to have to own her actions at one point or another. let her take the consequences on her own...

[Owl]

This is why you should have exposed first, and without warning.

 

She took the pre-emptive strike. Anything you do now to try to "expose" the affair and put pressure on her to end it will make you look like a fool.

 

At this point, all I can recommend is what a friend of mine on another site years ago used to tell his wife.

 

"I'm here to talk about reconciliation. I'm still willing. If you want to talk about divorce, that's what my lawyer is for.".

 

Hire a lawyer, protect your assets and your children.

 

Keep making whatever positive changes you need to make in yourself...because you're still the guy who benefits from these in the long term. But right now...you need to gear yourself up to deal with the divorce.

 

Get the best lawyer you can manage, and do what they say to protect yourself.

[AloneAndWaiting]

I actually talked to both of my semi-adult children specifically on the topic of exposure. They agreed with me that exposure would have sent their Mom away forever and caused permanent damage to our relationship. They were glad I didn't do that and asked that I take that option off the table. Are they right? Are you right? I don't know, but I know that in order to build my relationship with them I am done with the topic of exposure.

 

The consequences for her action are not my responsibility to create and I would look like a fool then or now. The consequences to her inner self are far more damaging than the consequences with regard to job, income, career and reputation. She has taken a pill in the divorce that will make her feel good for a while, but not address the core disease within.

 

I will continue to be nice to my wife. I am following other advice I've read about the concept of "detaching" and detaching is not about nice and her, it's about me. I'm a nice person and I will continue to do these things not to control or change her but because I'm not letting her control who I am. She is in a coma of depression and only her and time and those around her will or will not change that. I am no longer responsible for her change. I accept that.

 

Owl, I knew "what's next" so my question was a little self indulgent trying to attract a friend. I already saw the attorney and assets will be protected. As far as moving on and taking care of me, that's a much bigger unknown. Today i could just as easily end it all, take a Forest Gump type walkabout, go on with life as is and wait for her to possibly change (years), or move to africa and take care of people in need. That decision will change every day for a while.

 

I don't think I could have changed anything about my current situation by doing anything differently. I only could have changed the timing. She's is a depressed human being in a midlife crisis caused by aging, low self-esteem and has the opportunity to walk away. At least this way, she might start healing and finding authentic feelings within. I have not evidently been receiving authentic feelings these past years.

[worldgonewrong]

AloneAndWaiting:

 

I know you're miserable, but my God, you are definitely thinking with a clear head.

 

This here is spot-on, for so many of us in our respective situations too:

I don't think I could have changed anything about my current situation by doing anything differently. I only could have changed the timing. She's is a depressed human being in a midlife crisis caused by aging, low self-esteem and has the opportunity to walk away. At least this way, she might start healing and finding authentic feelings within. I have not evidently been receiving authentic feelings these past years.

[Owl]

Well I wish you the best of luck, my friend. I don't believe I've got any further advice I can offer in your situation...I truly hope it all turns out well. I'll keep an eye for updates and hope to read a happy resolution for all.

[AloneAndWaiting]

Thank you all for your concern and friendship. I have found another useful site at http://midlifeclubforum.com/ that described many similar situations for spouses at this age and background. It sounds like there is nothing I can do but move on and wait for them to change . . . or not and then they will see if I have found something new before they return. I had a life goal of keeping a family unit together - something unheard of in either family - I'll have friends, but will never remarry to keep that dream alive.

 

The good news is that she is in weekly individual counseling, the semi-adult children are angry with her and she is a smart person. It is also good news that we are living together still in the same house and having "fun" - tonight we shared one bottle of chard in the backyard on the first nice day of spring and laughed our way through dinner out with another bottle of wine. All this on a day when she received an email saying our divorce has been officially filed. No bridges will be burned, but this will be a multi-year story I feel at this point.

 

We are not typical. I don't think this is over. There are psych factors here, not OM factors here - at least yet. The affair lit the fuse that led to the divorce, but the divorce is not to continue the affair. It is to deflect attention away from the affair because her midlife psyche simply can't handle it - it's a flight, an escape - but only a temporary one. Soon the reality of the destruction will set in and something different will occur. I'll update next when that happens. I''ll put a bet down now that we will end up as one of those divorced couples that lives apart but spends a lot of time together.

 

I'm accepting and detaching and comforted by the fact that I am a nice man, a great husband and a good and loyal friend. I don't understand what happened, but it was something I did not cause. I don't know what she will find different other than maybe richer, but I don't think he would have the rest of the package - most of all, a 28 year history with her that has taught me every little, big and medium sized thing that makes her happy and sad - and mostest of all, two wonderful children that want to come home to one family, not two individuals.

 

Life Chapter 2 begins.

Edited March 17, 2011 by AloneAndWaiting