Projecting into the future...what about holidays?

[sinkerswim]

I know I should NOT be doing this...because it will make my life even more of a living hell...but what do you guys do when your ex's birthdays come up?

Or what about holidays that you always spent together?

Anniversarys?

 

I dreading all of this, if I am not back with him.

His bday is October 11 and our anniversary is Oct 4th.

That week was always our special week where we celebrated.

I HATE projecting and thinking of it..because it just makes me so sad.

What am I going to do when that comes up?

What do you guys do to keep yourself occupied...do you send a card?

Ive been with him 8 years and it just wouldnt be right if I didnt get him a card.

Well, I guess I shoulnt worry about that now... but still.

I am.

 

Im also sad thinkng about holidays. Especially Christmas.

We always went all out and got each other great gifts and spend time together. This all makes me sooo sad. :-(

[sportsloving]

Seems to me that no matter what we tell you that you are going to do just what you want... I still think the no contact is best... but you are thinking of the future and trying to plan out in what ways you can "legalize" sending him cards.

 

So let us look at it this way. If he had passed away instead of breaking up with you, would you be thinking of sending cards and such? Nope. You would still be facing things such as anniversaries and birthdays, holidays and all sort of other things that come to mind... and you are still going to have too. But he isn't passed away (he is close by) and you are thinking of things too far in the future. Do you seriously think he is going to send you a card or acknowledge any holidays to you?

 

Live your life, let him have his time and space... and keep yourself occupied. You are still trying to control him ... just not as directly as you did perhaps in the past.

 

Eight years is a long time to be in a relationship. And until he comes to you, I don't know that you popping up every time you can is going to help him. It is up to you if you love him enough to give him the time and space he made clear he wants. If you insist on your current behavior, you will push him even farther away. It may come to the time that he has absoultely nothing to do with you.

 

But then it is as I said up to you. Best of luck.

[sinkerswim]

I seriously take your advice...

I stopped contacting him last week. Even though it was a month at that point that I spoke to him.

Anyway...

It is now time to see if he eventually misses me I guess and I have to go on with my life.

I just cant help but think of those holidays and stuff. I know I am very obsessive about it.

I guess its just when you are with someone that long...its only natural to think of.

Its sooo hard not contacting him... but I know I cant.

Everyone is telling me not to. I have to keep remembering that.

I do appreciate your advice..you always give good advice.

Thanks for putting up with me.

Im just going through the worst time in my life.

[sportsloving]

I do appreciate your advice..you always give good advice.

Thanks for putting up with me.

Im just going through the worst time in my life

 

I can honestly say that I have been there. It wasn't eight years, but I still thought that if I talked to him, wrote to him or found ways to weasel in his life... a light bulb would go off and he would declare his undying love. It didn't happen. One night I was laying in bed thinking of all the good... and then remembered all the bad. And I realized that it wasn't healthy for me (or him) to try to force myself in my life. If he wanted me in his life, he would tell me. It is that easy.

 

The holidays are rough, and so are the annivesaries. I can't tell you that they won't be. But you can find and do things to keep yourself occupied.

 

I will tell you something. January 5th is the worse day of the world for me, each and every year. I had a baby that was born to young and she couldn't breathe. They did what they could, but she only lived for 4 hours. Now I can't avoid that day, it comes every year like clock work.

 

And every year, about three days before, I get really wound up. Usually I don't remember it is January 5th til the day actually hits me... but it starts in subconciously for days before and days after. And if for some chance, I escape the knowledge, I feel guilty after it. (I don't know if that makes sense, but that is how it goes for me).

 

I found the best thing for me to do, is to write out my feelings, write her a letter and stuff it in a box. It is a box that not many folks know about (well now the whole wide world knows LMAO), and no one has ever been into except me. I have one picture of her, and it is in the box. I have some things that remind me... all in the box. It is the only way I can deal with the feelings. And for seven years, it has seem to do the job.

 

It will get easier, I swear it. The love will probably always remain, but life and anniversaries, birthdays and holidays will come and go. The pain might pop up, but it will get easier to deal with.

 

And you just might start healing and find someone whom you start a new relationship. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but there are a lot of people out there... don't hang yourself up over just one. If it was meant to be... it will be. (again no one said for how long though).

 

I don't want you to think that I don't realize your pain, I do. But take it from me, I was there, I might be there again. But letting go is the hardest step... it goes downhill from there. Baby steps. Now get out there and live life... and that is an order!

[sinkerswim]

Aw...Sports..

I am very sorry about your situation...I imagine that is extremely hard.

My brother and his wife lost their baby of 9 weeks back in Feb 1998.

So I can just imagine what you go through.

But I guess thats a good way of dealing with it around that time.

 

Yeah...this is going to be very tough.. I even have dreams about him all the time. Makes it harder waking up to reality.

It just sucks that he is only 10 minutes from me and a phone call away...but yet seems worlds away.

After 8 years, I wonder if he even is thinking of me.

What makes me so sad is, He was also my best friend. We only told each other that a couple times, but still.

It feels like he hates me now and I hope and pray soo hard that he doesnt.

The last night I saw him at his house, he told me he didnt hate me, when I asked.

But why does it feel like he does?

Everyone is saying 'how can he possibly hate you after 8 years and everything you have done for him?'

 

I just hope my mind is overanalyzing everything. Which isnt new.

[sportsloving]

Thanks, it is one of those life things you must deal with or let it control you... I rather deal (in my own oddball ways).

 

I sincerely doubt he hates you, I personally don't hate anyone. I think it makes life to hard to hate anything but Mondays. And Lord knows that hating Mondays is way to easy.

 

Best friends are hard to come by, and even if you only said it once, I am sure he knows. Don't stress trying to say all the things you never could, who knows, you may be able to in the future... just wait and see ok?

 

Best wishes for you... and remember, you are strong, you are independent, and you can do this!

[sinkerswim]

Thanks Sports..

You make me feel better.

Its good to come here and talk.

[sportsloving]

I don't know if I helped, but am glad that you feel better. And it is always nice to have someone to talk to... even if you are just sounding off. Best of luck

[pinkroses]

The advice people have given you here sounds real good. If it's over, there's no obligation on your part to keep up remembering birthdays and anniversaries and special times for the two of you. He isn't acknowledging it, why should you? It just looks like you are unable to let go, and that's not going to endear a man to you.

 

My suggestion would be to make special plans for yourself or yourself and a friend for those once-special days. Do something fun or distracting, so that you'll make a new association and make those days your own again. That way you'll have something to look forward to, instead of something to dread.

[sinkerswim]

Thanks for the advice, Pinkroses.

Yeah..I guess I was going to send a card because we were together so long and it would only feel right.

But I shouldnt even be thinking about all that right now, anyway.

I dont know whats even to come tomorrow.

I guess I have to live for the day. LOL

He didnt even say if it was over officially. But right now we are over I guess.

Ohhh I dont know.

This sucks. lol

[Velveteel]

I have to agree with Pinkroses. Don't send a card. Don't acknowledge those days. Distract yourself. If he happens to remember on his own, and think fondly of you, that's great. But I firmly believe he'll think MORE fondly of you if he doesn't know or believe that you're pining away for him forever. He knows that right now, but in time, he'll start to doubt it. And as soon as he doubts it, his esteem for you will go up. We always prize things when they seem out of our grasp. Maybe someday, months from now, he'll call, and you can have that talk, and that sense of closure, that is lacking for you now.

 

You've been abandoned. It doesn't matter if the jerk "made it official." The way he spoke to you when you called after a long time of no contact makes it clear that he doesn't want to be involved with you. I'm sorry that he's too much of a wimp to face your pain and make a clean, open break.

 

Be gentle with yourself. It's normal to grieve and obsess! But don't give in to your impulses to contact him, to remind him of you, to try to stir his emotions. Don't continue to throw your love at someone who has made it clear that he doesn't want it. I'm sure he does miss you too, but right now, for whatever reason, he's chosen to end his life with you. Respect yourself by trying to move on. I feel for you, sinkerswim, and hope today is better than yesterday.