is having a crush cheating?

[christina752]

I have been married for more than four years. I really love my husband, and I'm satisfied with our marriage. But, I get crushes on different guys all the time. Usually, I become "infatuated" with them for a while; I wear nicer clothes, makeup, and I even 'flirt' with them a bit. I mean, I never flirt in a direct way, maybe I giggle more then I normally would. Interestingly, after a short time (usually two or three weeks) I totally change my mind about the guys, and stop my craziness. I have 100% confidence I would never cheat, and my feelings for my husband are strong and consistent.

 

I have never taken any of my crushes further. I feel my crushes are a blessing and a curse at the same time. My husband always comments on how "pretty" or "happy" I am during these times. I usually take better care of myself, and look great (you know, like the way you look after you've fallen in love). It's a bit ironic. AND, even though I'm day dreaming about other guys, my husband and I are usually more intimate during these phases. But, like I mentioned, these crushes also bring me down. Sometimes I feel defeated because the guys never take an interest in me. Don't get me wrong, I'm always upfront about being married. But, even when I pay more attention to these guys, they never seem to "fall" for me. It hurts my ego. I never 'persue' them, but because I put so much effort in indirectly impressing them, I feel like I've lost. I feel that if I were ever to be single again, I would never be able to catch a guy. So, although I enjoy my "crush" times, at the same time, it is hurting me.

 

So, for the married ladies out there...do you sometimes have crushes on other guys? How do you handle them? Do you think its healthy?

[Sundaymorning]

i suppose secret crushes are normal, but the way you go about them isnt. For the sake of your marriage, stop doin this. I think you do it for the extra attention or the need to feel like you "still have it."

[EnigmaXOXO]

Christina, Do you think your desire to attract attention from the opposite sex may be (on a subconscious level) a way for you to seek validation and affirmation?

 

I think we can all agree that flattery makes us feel good about ourselves. But if we rely on the rush, like a drug, as the only way to make us feel happy and alive, it may indicate a lack of personal self esteem or even insecurity on a much deeper level.

 

I’m not saying that this is absolutely the case with you. However, these two statements sparked my interest in your post because it mimics the ‘highs’ and ‘lows’ of other common chemical/relationship addictions. Surprisingly, the chemicals produced by the brain during the stage of infatuation are no different than any other.

 

The High:

 

My husband always comments on how "pretty" or "happy" I am during these times. I usually take better care of myself, and look great (you know, like the way you look after you've fallen in love).

 

The Low:

 

Sometimes I feel defeated because the guys never take an interest in me.

 

I apologize in advance if I’ve read too much into your statements. But I’m curious to know how you otherwise feel about yourself and your marriage when you’re not in the midst of a ‘crush’??

[Samson]

Sometimes I feel defeated because the guys never take an interest in me.

 

Poor Christina!!!!!!!!!

 

All that wagging of your tail in these guys faces and not one "falls for you."

 

If one ever does, then I hope you get what you deserve.

[sportsloving]

I am not married but do have an S/O. I don't get crushes on anyone, if I had to measure anyone to the one I care about, I know they would all fail. Besides that, I don't know that I want to go through the whole "getting to know someone" stage.

 

I don't think it is healthy for you or your marriage the way you "pursue". I can't stop to wonder what is going on in your marriage that you feel this is normal. How would you feel if your husband said to you that he had crushes, changed his appearance and felt more sexual towards you only during these times?

 

In a sense I think its kind of cheating... you are placing your emotions towards others that would be more beneficial to your marriage. And I sure don't undertand why you are upset if it doesn't seem they notice you. What if one does? Are you willing to carry through on the actions you hint at and cheat on your husband?

 

I do wish you luck, and maybe you can build those feelings you are seeking with your husband.

[gaia]

Enigma may have hit the nail on the head. You sound as if you're doing this because you don't feel good about yourself. Getting attention from other men is a way of boosting your self esteem. Realistically, if you're making it clear you're in a happy relationship, they probably won't make a move. How would you feel if they did? You said you wouldn't cheat, so presumably you just want the good feeling of knowing they want you.

 

I'm not sure I know exactly what Samson means by "getting what you deserve", but you are playing a dangerous game. I had a friend who did exactly what you're doing, because of non-existent self esteem. She very nearly got herself raped one night. I certainly wouldn't wish that on you.

 

Does your husband make you feel desirable? If not, maybe you both need to work on this aspect of the marriage. If he does, then i think you need to work on your self esteem. Next time it happens ask yourself what you are gaining from this. Try to become more aware of your own motivations.

[christina752]

I think that maybe all of you are right to one extent.

 

I really know myself, and I know that I would never cheat. And like sportsloving said, I always realize that the guys I get my crushes on never compare to my husband. That is the main reason, (I think) that I stop liking them. And, sometimes I think that my crushes are one of the ways I grow a greater appreciation for my husband.

 

It is a bit difficult, because in my job; I meet a lot of people, are around them for a month, and then change the group of people. I don't have a regular "office", so the people around me are always changing.

 

I've always thought of myself as having a high self-esteem; unfortunately I think it started in high school. I was never without a boyfriend; and when a relationship ended, there was always another guy. (Don't get me wrong, I wasn't slutty or anything, I didn't even have sex til college). After college, the guys slowed down a bit, but again, if I wanted a date for Saturday night, I could easily get one.

 

Interestingly, I think the biggest problem was that I married too young. I'm totally an outgoing girl, and maybe I hadn't 'sowed enough oats' before getting married.

 

Anyway, I look forward to any other replies about my situation. I don't think that I will change over night, but I think I will consider my husband's feelings, and try put myself in his shoes.

[gaia]

I've always thought of myself as having a high self-esteem; unfortunately I think it started in high school. I was never without a boyfriend; and when a relationship ended, there was always another guy.

 

I hear what you're saying, but people are not always good at working themselves out. This comment, for example, suggests to me that you require the validation of a partner around. It may just be the way you've written it, but it reads "as soon as one guy left me I had to replace him immediately".

 

Having crushes at work is fun. They liven up the day - a bit of harmless flirting is a great way to improve the office environment (IMO - there are those here who will disagree). But it gets you down when they don't respond. Why would it get you down - if you have a perfect marriage and your self esteem is fine?? It doesn't make sense to me.

 

Are you sure that you don't rely entirely on male appreciation for your self esteem and this is why you seek ever more of it? There's more to you than how you look and how many men you can have drooling at you, you know.

 

I'm not being at all critical (and I'm not even convinced that I've read you right) but I am a little concerned that this bothered you enough to post it here, yet you present yourself as having no problems at all. I hope it helps.

[JoeNalf]

Originally posted by christina752

I don't think that I will change over night, but I think I will consider my husband's feelings, and try put myself in his shoes.

 

I've been married almost 10 years and my wife and I have learned to acknowledge these types of feelings. She has them too occasionally. When we were first married, we went to a marriage workshop for newlyweds and one of the quotes we've never forgotten from one of the speakers is "We're married, not buried." The speaker went on to say that just because you're married does not mean that you find others attractive. Once we learned that, it really made us feel like we could talk openly about who we think is attractive, so we could learn to deal with it. To me, this worked wonders because at times, we've talked about this and have made appropriate decisions to ensure it these feelings wouldn't lead to anything.

 

My sis-in-law wasn't so open with her husband. She ended up having a 2+ year affair with a man she was attracted to at work. Her husband was blown away when he uncovered this. I think her affair progressed so rapidly because she didn't have someone to say "look, that's great that you like spending time with Tom, but I'd really like you spend less time with him. I'm sure nothing would happen, but I think it would be a good idea if you didn't see him."

 

Also, if you have a chance, I highly recommend "Couplehood" by Paul Reiser. He has a really funny story about being married and flirting.

[Arabess]

I'm a total 'Flirt-A-Holic'. However, I remain single because of it. I DO think it's more of a habit than it always being a love interest. I don't know. I really DO enjoy the wonderful attention of men. One whistle makes my whole day......luckily I work around sailors and contractors. HAHAHA!

[befuddled11]

I think you're really treading on dangerous ground here...and I think you'd be wise to speak with a counsellor or therapist about all of this, before it crosses over from a "crush" you get over in a few weeks, to having an outright affair.

 

You can insist up and down and sideways that you'll never cheat on your husband, but I'm sure most men and women who cheat, at one point in their marriage, professed that also.

 

You've admitted that it bothers you when you develop a crush and the guy doesn't pay any attention to you. This could be the catalyst for you going above just "flirting" with him, and crossing the line.

 

Also, there's a very good chance you'll one day develop a crush on a guy who's much like your husband......or who's better looking or has a more attractive personality...and with your obvious craving for attention and validation from men, if this were a guy who was smooth and charming, I could easily see you getting sucked into the vortex of crossing the line and "going too far."

 

You're playing with fire, as far as I'm concerned. It's one thing to be a "flirtatious" type of person.......but you're actually developing crushes on other men, and it seems like it's something you very much NEED to feel good about yourself, and fulfilled.

 

I do think it's cheating in a sense.......because you admittedly spend more time with your appearance when you have a crush......to "look exceptionally good" for the guy you have the crush on. It's cheating, IMO, because you're putting forth an effort to attract a man other than the one you made the lifetime commitment too. It's emotional infidelity, I think.

 

How do you think your husband would feel if he could read your posts here...and become aware of these crushes you develop? I'm sure he'd be hurt and devastated....what husband wouldn't? So that in itself should be your answer as to whether it's cheating.

 

It sounds as if you've spent much of your life having a "man" in it........and that you equate your self worth and self esteem by having a man. That's something you should delve into, with a trained professional.

 

I predict, unless you do something about this now, you're on a very slippery slope to crossing the line one day......where having what you perceive as a "harmless crush" is just not going to cut it for you anymore........and you're going to crave more attention of men......similar to an addict who needs more and more. And you're going to find someone who knocks you off your feet and you're going to end up doing something you later regret: having an affair, having physical contact, etc.

[fredrolin]

I am a married guy and I get "crushes" on other other women all the time.

 

Why? Because I am unhappy within my marriage.

 

You say you are happily married but are you really completely satisfied? If you were you wouldn't be doing what your doing.

[thirtysomething]

Guess what? Wanna know what's gonna happen? I'll tell you - one of these "flirtacious crushes" REALLY IS going to "fall for you" and if you're so unlucky as to have it be someone who's physically attractive and a great listener - you're in BIG TROUBLE.

 

I too married my fist husband very young - (21) and looking back I think I was just too naiive to know what made a man a good husband for the long haul. But, unless you get a handle on this flirting thing - I guarantee you will find yourself posting to the thread - "found my soulmate - now what do I do?"

 

A good counselor can help you dig around inside until you can clearly see the purpose for your flirtations. For the sake of your future and your marriage, get a grip on it before it's too late.

 

Take Care.

[Samson]

I'm a total 'Flirt-A-Holic'.

 

I KNEW IT

[havNfun]

wow. op, marriage isn't about being selfish and so focussed on getting attention.

 

You actions and intent are wrong. So, don't try to rationalize your bad behavior away.

 

poor husband.

 

marriage is about giving love don't you think? not being teen like and focussed on the attention you are getting.

 

run hubby run.

[StillHurtin]

I agree w/ EnigmaXOXO. I haven't read all the other replies. I have been married 12 years and w/ my dh for 14 years and yes, I still find some men attractive. Even my mom who has been married 45 years to my dad still looks at men and comments on how attractive they are to me. It's normal to think someone is attractive but to flirt w/ them and try to get them to fall for you is wrong if you or he is married.

[whichwayisup]

Having crushes at work is fun. They liven up the day - a bit of harmless flirting is a great way to improve the office environment

 

THAT is so healthy and the best way to look at it. I used to get crushes and fun flirting at work too. Didn't MEAN anything, just made ya feel good, made the day fun and nice stuff that happens throughout the day just builds your own inner self up and makes you FEEL happy, end of story. Doesn't mean anything, you're not gonna go foolaround with that person either...

 

Men do this ALL The TIME...A woman glances at a man, and he assumes 'she wants me' or a good looking woman with large boobs walks by, ALL the guys look at her and do the quick once over, those thoughts and then it's gone. That is healthy too. Doesn't mean that guy is gonna go cheat!

 

We all need to feel desired and flattered as well. If it is in a healthy way then it should have NO bearing on the relationship but if you need that 'extra' boost to feel different or more passionate with your SO then that could turn into something more serious and damaging...Not only to the relationship but to you as well.

[Owl]

I've got to agree with Befuddled...you're in some serious danger here.

 

You said that

I know myself, and I'll never have an affair...{/quote]. Guess what? I figure that very few people who get married feel that they'll ever have an affair. So why are all of us here???

 

Simple. Because either we, or our spouses, didn't draw an appropriate boundary. There are things that you can and should do with an opposite sex friend, even when you're married. And then there are things that you shouldn't do...care to guess which side of the line this flirting is on? You're beyond where you should be, and someday you are VERY likely to find yourself in a position that you never thought you'd be in...that affair you said you'd never have.

 

You want advice? Knock it off. Quit flirting and trying to impress all those guys out there. Flirt with your husband. Make HIM want you...not all those other guys. And worry about how HE makes you feel...not how someone else makes you feel. If you can't, get counseling. Get your husband into couples counseling if you can too. Because if you don't make these changes, you're going to be back here someday posting...."I can't believe what I did...how did I ever get here???".

[sylviaguardian]

I agree with most of the comments here. Crushes can be fun and everyone has them but I also agree that they can easily slide into something else. Have you tried directing your 'crush behaviour' at your H? It might be interesting to see how he reacts, especially if he notices when you're 'up'.

 

Sylvia