How does one become less bitter about women?

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

It's been suggested to me that I'm overly bitter, and that is what is driving women away from me. Not that I'm, you know (not even going to mention that word anymore), but because I'm bitter.

 

So how does one who hasn't had much success with the opposite sex become less bitter?

[Pyro]

I'm not familiar with your story but answer me this:

 

when you have gotten turned down do you blame the entire female population?

 

If yes then you are bitter.

 

Treat women as individuals and not as a whole. A handful of bad experiences does not mean that all women are out to get you.

[Yamaha]

Don't see a gf as the be-all-end-all. Go out and have fun. Life is to short to be bitter and unhappy. Learn to make yourself happy and others will see you as someone they want to be around. Learn to handle rejection without taking it personal. It is a part of life and one you need to accept. It will help you in all venues you travel.

[somedude81]

Unless you're walking around with a frown on your face and complain about your troubles, I doubt that you are driving women away.

 

Where have you heard that you are bitter. On a forum or in real life?

 

When was the last time you flirted with or asked out a girl?

[WTRanger]

Realize that if a woman says no, your head won't explode. Realize that you self worth isn't tied to the number of women you have been with. Above all, be honestly happy with the person starting back at you in the mirror. It all starts with that guy.

[Eddie Edirol]

Trust me, as a former bitter man who used to have no success with women...you learn by figuring out what you are doing to turn the women off. If youre asking its because you dont know what you are doing wrong. You look at the case by case basis, and try to ask yourself, or the people here what happened on dates or when you tried to talk to women.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I'm not familiar with your story but answer me this:

 

when you have gotten turned down do you blame the entire female population?

 

If yes then you are bitter.

 

Treat women as individuals and not as a whole. A handful of bad experiences does not mean that all women are out to get you.

 

I try not to, but the last time I got turned down, yes I blamed all "pretty women." I also blamed myself, and my looks, and figured that it was because of the way I looked that I got turned down.

 

Now I look back at the experience, and now that I've evaluated it, I've come to see it's awkwardness that turned her off, and that perhaps she liked me before. And that, maybe, I still have a chance with her (she's in one of my college classes.)

 

The conversation went something like this:

 

Me: So, um, do you, uh, want to meet up sometime for, like, coffee or something like that? (I'm paraphrasing, I have no idea if that's actually what I said, but the context is pretty close.)

Her: Yeah....no, um actually, I'm kind of really busy with classes and everything right now, sorry.

Me: That's okay.

 

And I walked away.

 

There was probably something in my body language and my facial expression that turned her off as well. I saw her say "Yes" in a very excited way, and then she looked at me, and then backpedaled. It's obvious that it was something I did, rather than something she did.

 

Don't see a gf as the be-all-end-all. Go out and have fun. Life is to short to be bitter and unhappy. Learn to make yourself happy and others will see you as someone they want to be around. Learn to handle rejection without taking it personal. It is a part of life and one you need to accept. It will help you in all venues you travel.

 

Well, the thing is, I have so much to fill my life with. I've recorded 30 albums of original music. I live gig at coffeehouses. I am writing two full length novels. I am writing a book of poetry. I am working on creating a website for my own music. I read and listen to music a lot. I love tv shows, and watch a lot of tv. I play video games. I go to college. I have a lot of friends.

 

Despite all that, I feel like there's a hole, a void in my life. And that is simply because I've never even touched a girl romantically. No first kiss. No cuddling. No sex. No intimacy. No girlfriend. And I'm 28, almost 29.

 

I realized recently that the only times I ever have physical contact with a pretty girl is when I go to a music concert, and accidentally "brush up" against one. That is pretty sad, and for someone who's as romantic as me, that is even sadder.

 

Unless you're walking around with a frown on your face and complain about your troubles, I doubt that you are driving women away.

 

Where have you heard that you are bitter. On a forum or in real life?

 

When was the last time you flirted with or asked out a girl?

 

I asked a girl out last week. As I commented above, it didn't go so well.

 

I hear all the time that I'm a NG. Now I'm starting to read that as "bitter and passive guy", simply because of this forum's views in the last 48 hours, and also, because of all the articles I've read on the subject.

[Yamaha]

And that is simply because I've never even touched a girl romantically. No first kiss. No cuddling. No sex. No intimacy. No girlfriend

 

Why do you think this is?

 

Do you chase girls and let them know your interested in them?

 

If you saw a girl you were attracted to how would you convey your interest?

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Why do you think this is?

 

Do you chase girls and let them know your interested in them?

 

If you saw a girl you were attracted to how would you convey your interest?

 

I actually have social anxiety/phobia, and generally let people approach me. Rather than the other way around.

 

I would probably smile at her and hope she came over and started talking to me. Lame, I know, but I simply cannot approach, otherwise I become a stuttering mess like with class girl above.

[Pyro]

I try not to, but the last time I got turned down, yes I blamed all "pretty women." I also blamed myself, and my looks, and figured that it was because of the way I looked that I got turned down.

 

Now I look back at the experience, and now that I've evaluated it, I've come to see it's awkwardness that turned her off, and that perhaps she liked me before. And that, maybe, I still have a chance with her (she's in one of my college classes.)

 

The conversation went something like this:

 

Me: So, um, do you, uh, want to meet up sometime for, like, coffee or something like that? (I'm paraphrasing, I have no idea if that's actually what I said, but the context is pretty close.)

Her: Yeah....no, um actually, I'm kind of really busy with classes and everything right now, sorry.

Me: That's okay.

 

And I walked away.

 

There was probably something in my body language and my facial expression that turned her off as well. I saw her say "Yes" in a very excited way, and then she looked at me, and then backpedaled. It's obvious that it was something I did, rather than something she did.

 

Going by just that I don't find you to be bitter.

 

That context from you does reek of awkwardness and lack of confidence. I can see why she reacted the way she did.

 

Something you need to improve on. There will be some trial and error along the way but if you work on it you can improve. I was able to get past it and so can you.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Going by just that I don't find you to be bitter.

 

That context from you does reek of awkwardness and lack of confidence. I can see why she reacted the way she did.

 

Something you need to improve on. There will be some trial and error along the way but if you work on it you can improve. I was able to get past it and so can you.

 

Yeah, I was incredibly awkward. I half expected me to say something along the lines of Marty McFly, from Back To The Future. "I'm your density...I mean, your destiny..."

 

People generally like me, but yeah, I do tend to make strangers uncomfortable because of awkwardness. I've often said that I'm a confident person hidden behind a wall of shyness and awkwardness. My therapist agrees.

[Pyro]

Yeah, I was incredibly awkward. I half expected me to say something along the lines of Marty McFly, from Back To The Future. "I'm your density...I mean, your destiny..."

 

People generally like me, but yeah, I do tend to make strangers uncomfortable because of awkwardness. I've often said that I'm a confident person hidden behind a wall of shyness and awkwardness. My therapist agrees.

 

It was George actually who said that........

 

A therapist is a good start. At least you are doing something about it. You need to work on the confidence. That is a big step in helping you better with dating.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

It was George actually who said that........

 

A therapist is a good start. At least you are doing something about it. You need to work on the confidence. That is a big step in helping you better with dating.

 

Ah yes, Marty was the kid, right? And George was his father.

 

It's been so long since I've seen those movies, that I've forgotten most of the plot. Need to get them out of the library, and check them out again. I love them.

 

Yeah, and I'm also on medication for anxiety. I talked about this on another forum, but I used to be housebound and couldn't leave my house without a panic attack. Now I'm living on my own, going to college, taking the bus, paying for my own food/walking into grocery stores, etc.

 

I used to not even be able to walk through the checkout line without feeling faint. Now I enjoy the conversation.

 

I suppose I'll never be "Mr. Outgoing". I'm an introvert. My mom said I was a shy baby, and a shy kid, and as far back as I can remember, I've been well liked by others but also been rather shy and passive. That also made me a target for bullies, which is how I developed BDD and SA in the first place.

 

But I suppose stranger things have happened. Who knows, maybe I'll end up as the party animal 5 years from now? But by then I'll be 33, and hardly should be someone who's doing things that I should have done 10 years earlier...

[Pyro]

Ah yes, Marty was the kid, right? And George was his father.

 

It's been so long since I've seen those movies, that I've forgotten most of the plot. Need to get them out of the library, and check them out again. I love them.

 

Yeah, and I'm also on medication for anxiety. I talked about this on another forum, but I used to be housebound and couldn't leave my house without a panic attack. Now I'm living on my own, going to college, taking the bus, paying for my own food/walking into grocery stores, etc.

 

I used to not even be able to walk through the checkout line without feeling faint. Now I enjoy the conversation.

 

I suppose I'll never be "Mr. Outgoing". I'm an introvert. My mom said I was a shy baby, and a shy kid, and as far back as I can remember, I've been well liked by others but also been rather shy and passive. That also made me a target for bullies, which is how I developed BDD and SA in the first place.

 

But I suppose stranger things have happened. Who knows, maybe I'll end up as the party animal 5 years from now? But by then I'll be 33, and hardly should be someone who's doing things that I should have done 10 years earlier...

 

baby steps to improvement which is great.

 

Your childhood sounds alot like mine. I never had a GF throughout High School and I never went to prom. I have improved greatly in the social department, but I still consider myself to be shy at times.

 

Don't let time be a factor in you getting out of your shell. It takes some time but if you keep at it you will see better results.

[denise_xo]

I don't think you sound bitter at all. Pyro's given you a lot of good advice. Keep working on your confidence and well being and I'd be very surprised if that doesn't pay off

[WTRanger]

Think of it this way. You can play live music to an audience of people, but you get nervous asking a girl out? You don't fear screwing up a song, or breaking a string, or sneezing, or farting on stage. Or at least you know how to control that fear. Asking a girl out is no different. You can't fear her saying No.

 

Next time you ask a girl out, act like it's no different than your performances. You also need a concrete date, time and place set in your mind before you ask. It helps with the confidence.

 

The girl you asked, no you don't have a chance. Do not chase her, do not ask her again. Part of your problem could be that you continue to chase unavailable girls like the one you asked and it leads to painful repeating rejections. Write her off, and move on the the next one.

 

You've never met any girl at one of the coffee house performances?

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I don't fear performing live, because I'm good at it and I know it.

 

That's opposed to asking out a girl, because I feel like I'm *not good* at it, and in many ways, I suck. I could get better, but I've had 16 years writing songs and performing them for people. I don't want to wait until I'm 44 before I ask out a girl.

[Cee]

Perhaps you can start by learning to make platonic friendships with men and women. Friendships are more relaxed and bonded by compatibility rather than passion. If you become adept at striking up conversation and getting people interested in inviting you out, you are moving in the right direction.

 

I have noticed that my success in meeting quality men has increased proportionally with the quality of my friendships.