Does my decision make sense?

[Lexygirl]

I have posted my whole situation in the 'seperation' section of LS a while back but I think that the question I now have is better asked here.....

 

My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have 2 children (12 and 16) and over the years I guess on some level I realized that our sex life sucked but when you love someone, you just go on and hope it will get better I guess....

BUT the past couple years we have really started to drift apart and last September I left for 2 months. I had affairs while I was away. He knows about one..... It was very wrong I know.

 

I came back in November and we I have felt quite distant still and we never had sex until the beginning of February. It was awkward but okish.

 

During January and February I had been looking into going away on a mini-vacation with him to really try to re-connect in many ways... especially sexually. We ended up going on a cruise last weekend. It was like being on vacation with a good friend or brother We had sex one of the nights when we were very drunk. Other than that, it wasn't happening.

I was very frustrated because there were times when I would really try to seduce him by modeling new sexy undies that I bought just for the trip, etc. Well he really didn't seem very turned on and it pissed me off and in turn just turned me right off.

 

I know he loves me very much. He shows it.. but it's like a father or older brother doting on someone they care about. There is no chemistry, no passion, nothing. I am a decent looking woman with an average body and he makes some comments as such the odd time.

 

I guess my question is... Is it normal for a marriage to just survive on caring and basically no sex? I mean I know that my sex drive is huge lately and I am so upset and frustrated but it hurts so bad to think of leaving him for good and I hate the thought of hurting him and the kids

I wrote him a letter saying how I feel and basically that it's over but I don't know if I can find the guts to give it to him and end it for good.

 

Ugh !!

[whichwayisup]

So, was he ever into sex?

 

Also, he may have had trouble getting into it because he knows you were someone else when you left for a few months.

 

Any marriage counselling happening? This can't just be about the sex, I mean, I"m sure he was hurt you were with someone else. How does he feel about that? And, why does he only know of one, when there were two men? Why haven't you come clean and told him the truth?

 

If you leaving is something you need to do, then do it. Get family counselling and go from there. It won't be easy but everyone will adjust. They'll have to.

 

Be sure this is what you want because once you say the word divorce, it's out there and can't be taken back.

[Lexygirl]

We went to marriage counselling in September and October last year. In the end the marriage counsellor basically told me that we are VERY different ppl especially when it comes to sexuality.

 

I'm sure the affair does bother him to some extent.

 

Sex just doesn't seem to be a priority. He just seems to be into other things I guess. I mean life isn't all about sex but we are adults and we are married. When it's basically non-existant, it's VERY frustrating. It's really upsetting because alot of woman would love to have a husband who cares about them as much as mine cares about me. If I was 90 years old, I would be content to just hang out with him and do whatever and not have any intimate contact but geeze we are only in our 40s for goodness sake

[Lexygirl]

Also, just to add something here...

He admitted to me that he gets off while watching porn about twice a week. WTF

[trinity1]

I had a SO like that. It doesn't get better. I think it has to do with an intimacy issue. It is easier for them to get off to porn than to have real intimate sex. At least this was true for my exSO.

 

Anyway, your husband does not seem to fulfill you sexually. This means you are likely to keep finding other men to give you what he does not give you. I would definitely say you should get a divorce and go out and find a new partner who gives you what you need.

 

These men don't change. You know that. You've been with him for 18 years. To hope for that is futile. Cut yourself loose and go and find happiness elsewhere.

[musemaj11]

Giving a woman orgasm is a lot of work.

 

Also isnt love all that matters?

[Lexygirl]

Ty to WhichwayisUp, Trinity1 and Musemaj11

 

Musemaj11, Love IS VERY important - yes but it's not all that matters...

I'm human. I have physical needs as well as emotional. It's sad to think I can't have both fulfilled.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

OP, you've been feeling this way for a year or more now...

 

You've had a sexual rebirth or awakening... he hasn't.

 

In my personal opinion, if the rest of your marriage is OK, the sexual aspects can be worked on and improved... You may never have your stallion in bed though. Leaving your (otherwise good) marriage for better sex may lead you to a deeper depression when you realize you can have great sex with some else, but you won't share all the other things you have with your husband of 18 years...

 

Assess your marriage as a whole, not just based on sex, ie do not weight the sexual part of it as heavily as you seem to here. Decide what you want from there and work towards it. I know that's easier than it sounds, but if you want it bad enough, I am sure it's possible.

 

I can tell you something that worked for me. I don't know that you'd be able to get him to agree to this unless it was something that he wanted enough; ie, to save his marriage... If he can focus all of his sexual energies only on you, IE no watching porn and no self pleasures! I believe it would truly help him to be better for you sexually. Again, don't expect a different person entirely, but there will be a significant improvement from what you currently have...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

To have been to counseling and had such an unfulfilling diagnosis from a professional is very troubling. Obviously he needs to continue on his own and with you to get to the root of his issues.

 

How much do you want it? I know I ask this over and over and put a base of 2X/wk as fair and reasonable..... Heck I would think 1X/wk should be a fair compromise.... But that is just me.

 

I know you have talked about it, but have you really told him that this is the tipping point and that if he does not make at least a modicum of effort it is all over.

 

How pathetic to not being able to do it with a live willing being (your spouse) and still doing it to porn....

 

Here is a case where I'd ask for an open relationship and see whether that wakes him up....

[Lexygirl]

There are so many issues at play here I think...

He said to me this morning "When are we gonna have sex again?" I said to him "We had 5 special days when we were away" He said "We have forever" ... which I think was his way of kind of saying he hopes we stay together lol....

 

Then he said that he feels inadequate. He mentioned that one of my comments at MC still gets to him... I had said that he has sex like he's mowing the lawn.... which was VERY true.

 

Then I told him right out that I honestly don't feel that attracted to him anymore. It's like being with a brother. He still doesn't get it because he then mentions how he will improve his looks, etc. ugh... I told him that he is a very good looking man and it's not about that.....

 

Then he just got up out of bed and went to get coffee for us lol

 

IDK, I feel like banging my head up against the wall half the time.

Yes, I am very unfulfilled as I'm sure he is.

 

Toodamnpragmatic, the funny thing is... a few weeks ago we talked seriously about having an open marriage and he agreed to it but in his heart he doesn't want that I'm sure.

 

Whichwayisup, you had asked if he was ever into sex and well I would say that he has been to a point but again... it's not a priority.

 

As a side note.. he has always had an orgasm during our sex but I rarely ever have. He knew this but didn't really seem to care I guess. I didn't realize how resentful and angry I had gotten about this deep down until the past year. His lack of sex drive and lack of caring about pleasing me in bed as much as I cared about pleasing him has really started to get to me. It's funny how he will do almost anything for me in our regular lives and shows his love yet when it comes to sex, it's just wierd and like a damn nightmare.

 

So now ... I honestly am not attracted to him because I don't see him as a sexual being anymore and also the resentment can really eat away at the attraction.

 

Sorry for rambling.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

There are so many issues at play here I think...

He said to me this morning "When are we gonna have sex again?" I said to him "We had 5 special days when we were away" He said "We have forever" ... which I think was his way of kind of saying he hopes we stay together lol....

 

Then he said that he feels inadequate. He mentioned that one of my comments at MC still gets to him... I had said that he has sex like he's mowing the lawn.... which was VERY true.

 

Then I told him right out that I honestly don't feel that attracted to him anymore. It's like being with a brother. He still doesn't get it because he then mentions how he will improve his looks, etc. ugh... I told him that he is a very good looking man and it's not about that.....

 

Then he just got up out of bed and went to get coffee for us lol

 

IDK, I feel like banging my head up against the wall half the time.

Yes, I am very unfulfilled as I'm sure he is.

 

Toodamnpragmatic, the funny thing is... a few weeks ago we talked seriously about having an open marriage and he agreed to it but in his heart he doesn't want that I'm sure.

 

Whichwayisup, you had asked if he was ever into sex and well I would say that he has been to a point but again... it's not a priority.

 

As a side note.. he has always had an orgasm during our sex but I rarely ever have. He knew this but didn't really seem to care I guess. I didn't realize how resentful and angry I had gotten about this deep down until the past year. His lack of sex drive and lack of caring about pleasing me in bed as much as I cared about pleasing him has really started to get to me. It's funny how he will do almost anything for me in our regular lives and shows his love yet when it comes to sex, it's just wierd and like a damn nightmare.

 

So now ... I honestly am not attracted to him because I don't see him as a sexual being anymore and also the resentment can really eat away at the attraction.

 

Sorry for rambling.

 

I highlighted the above comments and shake my head is disbelief that you now are saying these things and don't recognize the correlation....

 

 

1. RARELY ORGASM!!! Geez as a male I'd wouldn't want sex if my wife didn't get off.... Have you told him what he needs to do to get you there and enthusiastically participated?
   
2. Of course he feels inadequate.... He can't get you off, performs like he is mowing the lawn
   
3. Not attracted to him.... Love women speaking in riddles. Let me tell you a secret.... When a man says that to a woman, he wants her to lose weight, take care of herself, dress better, wear lingerie and be an animal in the bedroom.... That's it..... really simple. Now tell me what you mean by it....
   
4. Now he may be a complete idiot not wanting to please you and not having fun/intimacy in bed..... And if he doesn't "get off' from your "work" in bed, then I completely place this on him.
   

I think you need couples/sex counseling if you want to get to the bottom of these issues.

 

1. 
   

[neveragain1]

During January and February I had been looking into going away on a mini-vacation with him to really try to re-connect in many ways... especially sexually. We ended up going on a cruise last weekend. It was like being on vacation with a good friend or brother We had sex one of the nights when we were very drunk. Other than that, it wasn't happening.

I was very frustrated because there were times when I would really try to seduce him by modeling new sexy undies that I bought just for the trip, etc. Well he really didn't seem very turned on and it pissed me off and in turn just turned me right off.

 

so lets get this straight, you leave thinking you had an excuse to bed down a few other men during your "break", and expect him to just bounce back and be all ok?

 

So he didn't act real turned on and it pissed you off. Have you tried putting yourself in his shoes? he was looking at a woman that went off and screwed other men during your hiatus. Sorry, but that would be too much to turn any man off to where his switch just can't be flipped back on.

 

so he wasn't all that into it, well too bad. he probably wondered if you modeled the same lingerie for the other men too.

 

 

I guess my question is... Is it normal for a marriage to just survive on caring and basically no sex?

 

no

 

but then again, its not normal for it to survive, IMO, when one spouse takes a break and has sex with other people either. not alot of incentive for the jilted spouse to want to get right back on the horse and become interested again.

 

 

I mean I know that my sex drive is huge lately and I am so upset and frustrated but it hurts so bad to think of leaving him for good and I hate the thought of hurting him and the kids

I wrote him a letter saying how I feel and basically that it's over but I don't know if I can find the guts to give it to him and end it for good.

 

Ugh !!

 

maybe it should be over. I don't care if there was some sort of "break" you were still married. And if you think he can just bounce back after what you did, then you are putting all this on him and not blaming yourself for your HUGE role in the aftermath.

 

maybe it should be over. its obvious you wanted to do other men during this break, so divorce and you can do whoever, how ever many, anytime you like.

[Lexygirl]

Neveragain1,

He has never indicated to me that my infidelity is affecting our current sex-life... although I'm sure it does....

Fact is, during our 22 years together, our sex life has been similar. I have just tolerated it.

I know that the affairs were wrong so no need to rake me over the coals over it anymore, it's not helpful.

[Lexygirl]

I highlighted the above comments and shake my head is disbelief that you now are saying these things and don't recognize the correlation....

 

 

1. RARELY ORGASM!!! Geez as a male I'd wouldn't want sex if my wife didn't get off.... Have you told him what he needs to do to get you there and enthusiastically participated?
   
2. I have showed him but bizarely he was more interested in the strange rash on my face that I get when I orgasm than what I was doing or how I was doing it even though I told him to WATCH !
   
3. Of course he feels inadequate.... He can't get you off, performs like he is mowing the lawn
   
4. Not attracted to him.... Love women speaking in riddles. Let me tell you a secret.... When a man says that to a woman, he wants her to lose weight, take care of herself, dress better, wear lingerie and be an animal in the bedroom.... That's it..... really simple. Now tell me what you mean by it....
   
5. When I say I'm not attracted to him, it means when he kisses me or touches me, I am not turned on. In fact sometimes I feel kind of sick.
   
6. Now he may be a complete idiot not wanting to please you and not having fun/intimacy in bed..... And if he doesn't "get off' from your "work" in bed, then I completely place this on him.
   
7. He has an orgasm if that's what you mean.
   

I think you need couples/sex counseling if you want to get to the bottom of these issues.

Agreed

 

 

Sorry if my quote and reply is messed up on here. I don't really know how to do it properly lol

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Sorry if my quote and reply is messed up on here. I don't really know how to do it properly lol

 

Not perfect, but one way to do it.

 

What I was trying to say on point 4, is that if he sees you excited about sex, that should excite him and result in him working to ensure you have yours (orgasm)....

 

The problem is you have to tell him in no uncertain terms you want a mutually inclusive enjoyable sex life and that means he needs to make sure he holds up his end of the bargain.....

[Distant78]

You don't cheat and then expect him to all of a sudden feel sexual with you. Affairs, not one, but multiple. And on top of that you left him for two months to get your socks off. And on top of that you didn't even tell him everything. Jeez lady you need serious help, and I mean that in a serious, inoffensive way.

 

You brought this on yourself. None of this is his fault. And you have the nerve to look at this man as if he's lower than you. The man is wounded by your cheating and from what you typed, it's obvious you didn't do anything to help him heal. You might as well divorce the man and let him be with someone else. He doesn't deserve this. Sorry if this comes out harsh but you need to let him go.

[Lexygirl]

Ty... I agree.

I just wish I had zero sex drive and could just live like we were friends but that's not the case. I'm only 44 years old and part of my passion in life is physical attraction and sex.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Ty... I agree.

I just wish I had zero sex drive and could just live like we were friends but that's not the case. I'm only 44 years old and part of my passion in life is physical attraction and sex.

 

Don't think so.....

 

The issue though is what do you do???? I say you hit him over the head with a hammer and explain what you need and why and ask him what he expects to do about it.....

[neveragain1]

Neveragain1,

He has never indicated to me that my infidelity is affecting our current sex-life... although I'm sure it does....

 

and he won't. not too many men will admit it. call it pride, ego, whatever.

 

 

Fact is, during our 22 years together, our sex life has been similar. I have just tolerated it.

 

so why after being with multiple men during your "break" would you want to go back?

 

 

I know that the affairs were wrong so no need to rake me over the coals over it anymore, it's not helpful.

 

but its ok to rake him over the coals and expect him to just be ok with all that transpired?

 

point was, you have no right to get all pissed off because he was less than interested. don't know what the cause factor is here in his apathy, but if I was with a wife that did other men during a break, I would just jump into having sex and be all lovey dovey after that.

 

maybe you expect too much too soon. and if it doesn't look like it will improve, divorce.

[Lexygirl]

Don't think so.....

 

The issue though is what do you do???? I say you hit him over the head with a hammer and explain what you need and why and ask him what he expects to do about it.....

 

LMAO ! You're bad

[Lexygirl]

and he won't. not too many men will admit it. call it pride, ego, whatever.

 

 

 

 

so why after being with multiple men during your "break" would you want to go back?

 

 

 

 

but its ok to rake him over the coals and expect him to just be ok with all that transpired?

 

point was, you have no right to get all pissed off because he was less than interested. don't know what the cause factor is here in his apathy, but if I was with a wife that did other men during a break, I would just jump into having sex and be all lovey dovey after that.

 

maybe you expect too much too soon. and if it doesn't look like it will improve, divorce.

 

I understand and you make good points but I wish he would talk to me about it. I will bring it up and ask how much it bothers him and tell him again that I'm sorry.

[Lexygirl]

I wrote him a very long letter tonight. Hope his response is helpful for me to understand where he is coming from.

[notagame]

I wrote him a very long letter tonight. Hope his response is helpful for me to understand where he is coming from.

 

Is it true that you haven't even told him about all of the times you cheated?

[Lexygirl]

Is it true that you haven't even told him about all of the times you cheated?

 

I don't feel it's necessary to cause him anymore pain. What's the point?

[Woggle]

Just divorce him but be fair in the divorce. Let him get out of the marriage in one piece and wish him well so both of you can live nice lives. Nothing he ever does will be good enough for you so stop trying to force it.