Does my decision make sense?

[neveragain1]

I understand and you make good points but I wish he would talk to me about it. I will bring it up and ask how much it bothers him and tell him again that I'm sorry.

 

I can't remember if you have said, but did you two do any counseling? Because if he doesn't talk about it, you need help in getting him to.

[neveragain1]

I don't feel it's necessary to cause him anymore pain. What's the point?

 

well now it just may make sense. I guess I missed where you cheated before.

 

even if he doesn't know for a fact you cheated, the fact that you have changes the dynamic of the relationship, no matter how good you try to hide it. people that are betrayed that don't know for a fact they are being played for a fool, know something is up. but without proof or concrete reason to believe it, they won't say anything about it.

 

so because you are a cheater, her lies the probable cause of his apathy.

[notagame]

I don't feel it's necessary to cause him anymore pain. What's the point?

 

The point is that you go on and on about these problems you're having and you haven't even told him everything. Plus like someone else said, you expect him to read your mind after the way you abused the man. And you wonder why the marriage isn't getting any better so you continue to treat him like trash. You're very selfish and you're not telling him for his benefit, it's to cover your own butt.

 

Tell him everything so he can make a decision, or divorce him and let him go. He needs a real woman and you've done him wrong very badly.

[Lexygirl]

well now it just may make sense. I guess I missed where you cheated before.

 

even if he doesn't know for a fact you cheated, the fact that you have changes the dynamic of the relationship, no matter how good you try to hide it. people that are betrayed that don't know for a fact they are being played for a fool, know something is up. but without proof or concrete reason to believe it, they won't say anything about it.

 

so because you are a cheater, her lies the probable cause of his apathy.

 

Just to clarify, I was faithful up until last September... and left at that time for 2 months.

[Lexygirl]

The point is that you go on and on about these problems you're having and you haven't even told him everything. Plus like someone else said, you expect him to read your mind after the way you abused the man. And you wonder why the marriage isn't getting any better so you continue to treat him like trash. You're very selfish and you're not telling him for his benefit, it's to cover your own butt.

 

Tell him everything so he can make a decision, or divorce him and let him go. He needs a real woman and you've done him wrong very badly.

 

I didn't abuse him or treat him like trash.

I do care about him and I don't feel that he needs to know what happened while I was away.

I have done him wrong... yes.

As far as reading my mind, we both have kept things to ourselves so the email I sent him last night clarifies all that I've been thinking and feeling and asking him to please come out with all of his thoughts.

[neveragain1]

I didn't abuse him or treat him like trash.

 

if you cheated on him, then yes, you did.

[notagame]

I didn't abuse him or treat him like trash.

 

Cheating is severe abuse.

 

I do care about him and I don't feel that he needs to know what happened while I was away.

 

Then you don't care about him like we said before. You're playing a dangerous game holding that stuff in. What if you gave the man an STD? Would you still be selfish enough to hold it in!?!?!?!?! That's just evil, lady. This is exactly why my wife had to go.

 

 

I have done him wrong... yes.

 

And by not telling him about your affairs and your continued emotional abuse to this man you're still hurting him.

 

As far as reading my mind, we both have kept things to ourselves so the email I sent him last night clarifies all that I've been thinking and feeling and asking him to please come out with all of his thoughts.

 

None of that matters until you tell him the truth.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

threads..... They are everywhere and they just become a circular argument that accomplishes nothing. Stick to the point or at least what the OP is asking.

 

We get it that some have decided unequivocally that she is tainted and worthless.....

 

How about some advise or thoughtful responses. At least I got some facts from lexygirl and gave my opinion and suggestions what to do......

 

Her husband wants to remain married and sees growing old together. Maybe he is delusional..... She sees a passionless marriage and what has been a lousy sex life.

 

Sounds like a dilemma to me......

[Star_Bright]

I had a SO like that. It doesn't get better. I think it has to do with an intimacy issue. It is easier for them to get off to porn than to have real intimate sex. At least this was true for my exSO.

 

Anyway, your husband does not seem to fulfill you sexually. This means you are likely to keep finding other men to give you what he does not give you. I would definitely say you should get a divorce and go out and find a new partner who gives you what you need.

 

These men don't change. You know that. You've been with him for 18 years. To hope for that is futile. Cut yourself loose and go and find happiness elsewhere.

 

I too dated a man like this. We were very serious (lived together) and I would have married him because he was a great, loving guy... but. He had almost no interest in having sex with me. From the beginning I had to initiate anything sexual, even kissing, but I thought he was just being gentlemanly/shy. Then we would have sex once a week or once ever other week (we were young, and in the "in love" phase), at my initiation, sometimes my begging/pleading. I got so tired of initiating it, I wanted him to want me. I would come home from a weekend trip and lay in bed next to him naked and he would just say he was tired and go to sleep. I started to wait and see how often we would have sex if it was at his initation, and it was a month. And even then it would just be a morning quickie, to satisfy him physically... he never, ever spent time making me feel good or caring about what I liked in bed. In the meantime I found out he was looking at porn and I got really hurt... not because of the porn itself but by the fact that he would tell me he wasn't in the mood but then he'd be looking at porn/ having his own fun without me. It really hurt me and I tried to talk to him about it but he would just lie and tell me he would stop looking at porn, and still look at it... it never fixed the problem. Once in awhile I'd dress up in a fantasy outfit he liked and that was the only time he would ever be turned on with me... it's like if it was a fantasy, it was good, but if it was just me and him, he didn't want it.

 

I broke up with him because of our sexual issues... and related emotional issues in that he was the same way emotionally -- he wouldn't talk to me about things, he was passive-aggressive and he would want everything to be perfect instead of addressing issues, and he had a bad habit of lying about things he didn't think I would want to hear. But he begged me to work with him and so we went to counseling and things got better for a little while, he actually did make efforts, but, eventually, things went back to how they had been and I realized that either he just wasn't into me sexually or he was just not a sexual person. I even wondered if he was gay. I don't think things like this can be fixed, or at least, they take a very long time and a lot of work... and maybe in your case due to your history and kids it is worth it, but for me, I was thinking, life is short and I love him but I cannot live without sex, without feeling that my partner desires me and wants me in that way. I just couldn't do it anymore and I left him again for good.

 

So. I think as someone earlier mentioned, it's an intimacy problem, that goes way back. My ex had neglectful, drug/alcohol-addicted parents who eventually sobbered up and to this day he lives for their approval and affection, which they still deny him. I realized it was something bigger than me, that I couldn't fix or control... only my ex could, maybe, with really intense therapy or something, and he didn't even realize/admit that he had a problem, so that was not going to happen. I chose to leave. Again I was young and we weren't married, had no kids, and it was still hard... I miss him to this day, I miss spending time with him and our fun times with friends and the life we had together... but I don't regret leaving him because to me it was all built on an image, a shallow fantasy... it can't be a real relationship without intimacy, and to me that includes sexual intimacy.

 

Obviously I advise you to get divorced. If you don't want to do that then I think heavy counseling is in order. I just don't think there are any other two ways around this really big important issue. Good luck. Sorry to blab so much about my own past problems... I just can really relate to where you're at, and it's a sucky sucky place!

[neveragain1]

threads..... They are everywhere and they just become a circular argument that accomplishes nothing.

 

no, the problem is, she doesn't want to believe she did anything to him and that she didn't abuse him in any way. she did.

 

as long as she wants to believe that she didn't do anything to him, they are going to have problems. she is pinning this on him without taking a look at herself.

[Lexygirl]

no, the problem is, she doesn't want to believe she did anything to him and that she didn't abuse him in any way. she did.

 

as long as she wants to believe that she didn't do anything to him, they are going to have problems. she is pinning this on him without taking a look at herself.

 

You couldn't be anymore wrong, neveragain !!!!!!!!!!!!

I take full responsibility for all my issues and wrong doings in this marriage ! I have done wrong... I admit it... I've admitted it on here, I admit it to him but I have also done things to improve our lives and the reason I came here was to get some support and ideas on how we can both fix this..... I don't need anyone's negativity and crap so I would ask you not to respond because you obviously have no clue what I'm going through !

[Lexygirl]

I too dated a man like this. We were very serious (lived together) and I would have married him because he was a great, loving guy... but. He had almost no interest in having sex with me. From the beginning I had to initiate anything sexual, even kissing, but I thought he was just being gentlemanly/shy. Then we would have sex once a week or once ever other week (we were young, and in the "in love" phase), at my initiation, sometimes my begging/pleading. I got so tired of initiating it, I wanted him to want me. I would come home from a weekend trip and lay in bed next to him naked and he would just say he was tired and go to sleep. I started to wait and see how often we would have sex if it was at his initation, and it was a month. And even then it would just be a morning quickie, to satisfy him physically... he never, ever spent time making me feel good or caring about what I liked in bed. In the meantime I found out he was looking at porn and I got really hurt... not because of the porn itself but by the fact that he would tell me he wasn't in the mood but then he'd be looking at porn/ having his own fun without me. It really hurt me and I tried to talk to him about it but he would just lie and tell me he would stop looking at porn, and still look at it... it never fixed the problem. Once in awhile I'd dress up in a fantasy outfit he liked and that was the only time he would ever be turned on with me... it's like if it was a fantasy, it was good, but if it was just me and him, he didn't want it.

 

I broke up with him because of our sexual issues... and related emotional issues in that he was the same way emotionally -- he wouldn't talk to me about things, he was passive-aggressive and he would want everything to be perfect instead of addressing issues, and he had a bad habit of lying about things he didn't think I would want to hear. But he begged me to work with him and so we went to counseling and things got better for a little while, he actually did make efforts, but, eventually, things went back to how they had been and I realized that either he just wasn't into me sexually or he was just not a sexual person. I even wondered if he was gay. I don't think things like this can be fixed, or at least, they take a very long time and a lot of work... and maybe in your case due to your history and kids it is worth it, but for me, I was thinking, life is short and I love him but I cannot live without sex, without feeling that my partner desires me and wants me in that way. I just couldn't do it anymore and I left him again for good.

 

So. I think as someone earlier mentioned, it's an intimacy problem, that goes way back. My ex had neglectful, drug/alcohol-addicted parents who eventually sobbered up and to this day he lives for their approval and affection, which they still deny him. I realized it was something bigger than me, that I couldn't fix or control... only my ex could, maybe, with really intense therapy or something, and he didn't even realize/admit that he had a problem, so that was not going to happen. I chose to leave. Again I was young and we weren't married, had no kids, and it was still hard... I miss him to this day, I miss spending time with him and our fun times with friends and the life we had together... but I don't regret leaving him because to me it was all built on an image, a shallow fantasy... it can't be a real relationship without intimacy, and to me that includes sexual intimacy.

 

Obviously I advise you to get divorced. If you don't want to do that then I think heavy counseling is in order. I just don't think there are any other two ways around this really big important issue. Good luck. Sorry to blab so much about my own past problems... I just can really relate to where you're at, and it's a sucky sucky place!

 

Starbright,

I sooooo appreciate your 'blabbing' lol....

I really do...

I needed to hear from someone who had a similar situation because honestly sometimes I feel like I'm going absolutely insane !

Thank you from the bottom of my heart !

Lexy

[Lexygirl]

Why? She hasn't even told him about all of her cheating so what is there to work on?

 

 

 

It is advice and it's thoughtful.

 

 

 

Ya and why has it been lousy? Because she refuses to be completely honest with him and telling him vital information that could determine where the marriage should really go. You can't work on a marriage without everything in the open. No relationship survives based on dishonesty and emotional abuse.

 

LOL, Notagame, you're like a dog with a bone

[neveragain1]

You couldn't be anymore wrong, neveragain !!!!!!!!!!!!

I take full responsibility for all my issues and wrong doings in this marriage ! I have done wrong... I admit it... I've admitted it on here, I admit it to him but I have also done things to improve our lives and the reason I came here was to get some support and ideas on how we can both fix this..... I don't need anyone's negativity and crap so I would ask you not to respond because you obviously have no clue what I'm going through !

 

and this response just confirms my thoughts.

 

this marriage is doomed.

[neveragain1]

Ya and why has it been lousy? Because she refuses to be completely honest with him and telling him vital information that could determine where the marriage should really go. You can't work on a marriage without everything in the open. No relationship survives based on dishonesty and emotional abuse.

 

exactly. and the other reason to come clean is so the husband has the information to make an educated decision about the direction of his life.

 

if the marriage continues, and somehow she gaslights him into behaving the way she wants, and doesn't tell him that she went to bed with more than one man, then I guess she can take solace in the fact she got to have her fun behind his back and will get away with it.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Everytime I stumble on this thread it reminds me of the book by Michelle Weiner Davis entitled..."Sex Starved Marriage"

 

I know that it is by no means a cure all for most couples... but the way it is written, even if there is no change in the low libido spouse, the higher sex drive spouse will definitely get a much better point of view regarding the situation. Even if you were to seek a divorce you would do it with a much better outlook. If you’re lucky enough that your husband gets interested in the book at any level (even if he is just upset that your reading it and wants to look at it himself - that's what happened to me and my wife) I find it hard to believe it wouldn't improve your sex life.

[Lexygirl]

Thank you to ppl who have posted

[Lexygirl]

Got a feeling he's going to wack off to porn tonight since it's the weekend... We haven't had sex for 2 weeks and now it's feeling more than just a craving my body has...it's feeling more like abandonment

[frozensprouts]

have you considered encouraging him in getting some counseling by himself as well as the two of you together?

 

Maybe there are some deep seated issues going on and he doesn't feel comfortable talking about them in front of you yet ( that's not your fault). Maybe if he can start to open up to a counselor on his own then he can begin to open up to a counselor when you are there too.

 

There may be no easy answers and the cause may even be biological ( a friend of mine's husband had an issue with low testosterone level and it was affecting his sex drive, may not be true in your husband's case, but it does happen- things like depression, etc. can also affect sex drive- is that an issue for him?)

 

If you want to take a "self help" approach, there are a lot of books out there that have some helpful advice in them. Maybe the two of you could read one together and see if any of the ideas in it apply to you.

[Distant78]

Ma'am, all I gotta say is that you won't be able to have a good marriage if you don't tell him the rest of your affairs, stop blaming him soley because the sex isn't good, and stop abusing him. Most of what happened is really not his doing and like a few others said, this marriage cannot be fixed based off of deception.

[confuzzled68]

There are so many issues at play here I think...

He said to me this morning "When are we gonna have sex again?" I said to him "We had 5 special days when we were away" He said "We have forever" ... which I think was his way of kind of saying he hopes we stay together lol....

 

Then he said that he feels inadequate. He mentioned that one of my comments at MC still gets to him... I had said that he has sex like he's mowing the lawn.... which was VERY true.

 

Then I told him right out that I honestly don't feel that attracted to him anymore. It's like being with a brother. He still doesn't get it because he then mentions how he will improve his looks, etc. ugh... I told him that he is a very good looking man and it's not about that.....

 

Then he just got up out of bed and went to get coffee for us lol

 

IDK, I feel like banging my head up against the wall half the time.

Yes, I am very unfulfilled as I'm sure he is.

 

Toodamnpragmatic, the funny thing is... a few weeks ago we talked seriously about having an open marriage and he agreed to it but in his heart he doesn't want that I'm sure.

 

Whichwayisup, you had asked if he was ever into sex and well I would say that he has been to a point but again... it's not a priority.

 

As a side note.. he has always had an orgasm during our sex but I rarely ever have. He knew this but didn't really seem to care I guess. I didn't realize how resentful and angry I had gotten about this deep down until the past year. His lack of sex drive and lack of caring about pleasing me in bed as much as I cared about pleasing him has really started to get to me. It's funny how he will do almost anything for me in our regular lives and shows his love yet when it comes to sex, it's just wierd and like a damn nightmare.

 

So now ... I honestly am not attracted to him because I don't see him as a sexual being anymore and also the resentment can really eat away at the attraction.

 

Sorry for rambling.

 

Lexy, you have found your twin. I am in a very similar situation, married almost 14 yrs with 3 children, ages 7, 10, 12. Very strong companionate marriage, friendship, admiration, etc but no sexual compatibility/chemistry. But I won't go into my details right now.

 

First of all, ignore the poster who wants to blame ALL your problems on your affairs. Certainly affairs are destructive, but he continues to ignore the fact that you and your husband have had an unfulfilling sex life for many years, way before the time you were away and had affairs. The affair didn't cause your current problems...they were a symptom of the problems.

 

I do have a question about the affairs though. You said he knew about one of them. How did he find out about that? Did you tell him or did he discover it? If you told him, then why not tell him about all of them?

 

I'm sure that him knowing about the one affair and knowing you're not attracted to him makes it very difficult for him to initiate sex. He fears rejection. Question: did he ever initiate sex BEFORE he knew about the affair?

 

Also, I don't think him showing little interest in sex is the problem here. The problem is that you have no sexual attraction to him. When you had sex on the cruise it was disappointing because it felt like having sex with a friend. Question: did you have feel lust/sexual chemistry for him? Like while dating or when first married?

 

I empathize completely...it is very painful to love someone, share a rich history and bond, want them in your life still....but have no sexual attraction to them at all.

 

I'm curious to see what his response is to your letter. You need to communicate and know how he feels about the current state of your marriage.

 

I would revisit the idea of an open marriage....at least swinging where you are free to have sex with others, but remain emotionally monogamous, meaning you don't get romantically involved with others. This could satisfy your needs and allow you to keep your family intact.

[Lexygirl]

Lexy, you have found your twin. I am in a very similar situation, married almost 14 yrs with 3 children, ages 7, 10, 12. Very strong companionate marriage, friendship, admiration, etc but no sexual compatibility/chemistry. But I won't go into my details right now.

 

First of all, ignore the poster who wants to blame ALL your problems on your affairs. Certainly affairs are destructive, but he continues to ignore the fact that you and your husband have had an unfulfilling sex life for many years, way before the time you were away and had affairs. The affair didn't cause your current problems...they were a symptom of the problems.

 

I do have a question about the affairs though. You said he knew about one of them. How did he find out about that? Did you tell him or did he discover it? If you told him, then why not tell him about all of them?

 

I'm sure that him knowing about the one affair and knowing you're not attracted to him makes it very difficult for him to initiate sex. He fears rejection. Question: did he ever initiate sex BEFORE he knew about the affair?

 

Also, I don't think him showing little interest in sex is the problem here. The problem is that you have no sexual attraction to him. When you had sex on the cruise it was disappointing because it felt like having sex with a friend. Question: did you have feel lust/sexual chemistry for him? Like while dating or when first married?

 

I empathize completely...it is very painful to love someone, share a rich history and bond, want them in your life still....but have no sexual attraction to them at all.

 

I'm curious to see what his response is to your letter. You need to communicate and know how he feels about the current state of your marriage.

 

I would revisit the idea of an open marriage....at least swinging where you are free to have sex with others, but remain emotionally monogamous, meaning you don't get romantically involved with others. This could satisfy your needs and allow you to keep your family intact.

 

First off, I'm going to apologize ahead of time for what might end up being a long, rambling type post but for one thing... I don't know how to break up your post quotes and also because I still have so much to say.

 

As far as NotaGame, I take him with a grain of salt because I am well aware he is mainly projecting his anger from his own life crap.

 

Thank you for your suggestions, Shesnotinlove w/me and frozensprouts.

 

Confuzzled68, I will try and respond to your post the best I can. I hope everyone else doesn't pick it all apart but whatever.

 

You're right that the affairs were a symptom of my unfulfilled sex life (not a justification). I know it's wrong and it's something I never, ever thought I would do.

 

He found out about the affair because he had a suspicion and asked about it and I told him the truth. The other affairs happened while we were separated. I didn't tell him about them because for one thing... we were separated. For another thing, I honestly didn't want to hurt him.

 

Yes, I'm sure there are a few reasons why it's difficult to initiate sex and I was the cause of most of them.

 

I am very sad about this whole situation because I do care about him in my heart and whenever it gets too real (us completely ending it), I cry so much.

 

Yes, during the cruise the sex was disappointing because he feels like a brother or friend or actually the dynamic has been thus that he acts almost like a father at times.. bleh. But honestly, he really has been so used to wham bam thank you ma'am over the years that it's hard for him to even know what to do to make any kinds of changes, etc.

 

When we were first together, I did have chemistry with him for a while. I honestly can't put my finger on when that changed... maybe a couple years after we were together. I fell in love with him, though, and our marriage was good but honestly sex and passion were never a huge priority to him. We always just hung out like friends and well I guess that's partially where we went wrong... idk

Now, I realize why for so many years I've been an angry, frustrated person.... There was something HUGE missing !

 

His response to my letter was that he is still attracted to me and he wants us to stay together but he doesn't trust me... which I don't blame him for !

 

I don't know what to do.. We have talked about open marriage a few weeks ago and maybe a year ago we talked about swingin but honestly I feel these things would just delay the inevitable because I don't love him as deeply as I should and it's not fair for me to hold him back from being with someone who can.

 

Again, Confuzzled, 68, I truly appreciate you posting to me so much because it really helps me feel not so alone ! I am sorry you are going through this too. I have so many questions for you too.... I am pretty sure after 50 posts, you can access the private messages. I would love to private message with you if that's ok with you. I'm already able to access that..... Maybe next time I'm on, I will just ask you the questions I have for you on this thread if you don't mind.

 

Lexy

[confuzzled68]

Lexy, I would love to chat privately with you. I actually tried to find a way to do that before I posted but couldn't find such an option. I don't want to post my email address here. Any suggestions? Are you on twitter?

[Lexygirl]

Lexy, I would love to chat privately with you. I actually tried to find a way to do that before I posted but couldn't find such an option. I don't want to post my email address here. Any suggestions? Are you on twitter?

 

No, I don't have twitter.

I think you have to have 50 + posts on here in order to access the private message thing.

Maybe once you have 50 posts, we can do that.

Thanks for the reply

[confuzzled68]

No, I don't have twitter.

I think you have to have 50 + posts on here in order to access the private message thing.

Maybe once you have 50 posts, we can do that.

Thanks for the reply

 

Oh, well, hell! 50 posts will take me forever. I'm not on here alot. What about yahoo messenger? Do you have that? I wouldn't mind posting my yahoo ID and you could contact me through that. Let me know.