He's lying about money again

[mo_mudangel]

Hi everyone! I'm new here but I have what I feel is a big issue and have no idea how to handle it without starting a huge fight in front of my kids.

 

He's lying about money, again.

 

We both work and have a joint checking account. We are not married yet. I finally gave in and set a wedding date of July 31. I made him wait over two years for it because there are several big issues that I cannont ignore.

 

I thought with the last fight we had this all worked out, but I guess we don't. On Monday morning he told me that there was $89 in our checking account and we would really have to watch our spending. I told him that I had no problem with that, I will only need gas and cigarettes. As with anyone else, it gets kinda tight the week before payday. This morning he calls me from work and tells me that there is only $30 left in the checking account. This sounded funny to me since I hadn't spent a dime all week. I checked our account on Quicken and found that he is once again going to convenient stores and grocery stores everyday and spending anywhere between $5 and $30 a day.

 

Previously we fought about this and finally agreed with a promise that if there was over $100 in the account he could do that whenever he wanted. He promised that he would never do it again when the monies got really tight.

 

I have two children and I have found that there is often last minute things that they both end up needing, like diapers or cereal. Once again that cushon is gone. Now what?

 

Please, please help me find a way to stop this without it totally breaking us up!!!

[SoleMate]

For starters, I would lose the joint checking account, since it clearly will never work. Have him give you his paycheck directly, and you give him his "walking around" money. You pay the bills from the money you control (yours and most of his). This is a tradition in some parts of the world, like Japan.

 

Or, you could even decide that someone who would risk having your kids go without cereal and diapers is too irresponsible to marry. That's what I would be thinking.

[befuddled11]

First of all, you mentioned something about Quicken. Do you have some sort of BUDGET in place? I ask because considering you both work, and you have 2 young children.....it's kind of scary that you're down to only $89, and it's a week before payday. That's living pretty close to the wire, overall. Do you have any kind of savings account? Emergency fund? What if something comes up unexpectedly? Major car repairs? Something for the children? If you don't have a budget, maybe you need to make one.

 

Or maybe you need to sit down as a couple and reduce your spending? Get rid of things you don't HAVE to have: eg) a cell phone, the best cable TV package, spending $$ on fast food/videos/eating out/etc.

 

Now one thing I found strange was that you'd told him that as long as there was over $100 in the account, that he could spend whatever he wanted. That doesn't make sense to me. If there's, say, $125 in the account, and he thinks he can spend what he wants, he could have what's in your acct whittled down to $20 very easily.

 

He doesn't sound very responsible at all, if he knew full well that there was only $89 in your joint acct, that YOU still had to purchase cigs and gas........yet he blew $60 on WHAT? Crap from convenience stores? Does that sound like the kind of man you want to raise your children with? (I sensed from your post, for some reason, that these aren't his children, that they are yours, is that correct?)

 

Why is he buying stuff at these kinds of stores daily? Is it food to eat for lunch or something? Why can't you buy stuff to make lunches..and pack him a lunch each day (or he can make his own dang lunch, he's a big boy).....like millions of people do. I'm single with no kids, but I couldn't afford to buy lunch at work daily.....but more than that, it's a huge waste of money. It's so much easier for me to make myself a lunch the night before..whether it's a sandwich or pop some leftovers into a container and heat up at work....add a granola bar, a banana or some kind of fruit, a small thermos of whatever i want to drink, etc. People who buy lunch daily spend WAY too much money.......if they only knew what they blew doing this.

 

I do agree w/ Solemate's suggestion, though...of only YOU managing the money. I gathered from your post that you're the more responsible one, the one who's trying to be accountable and ensure there's enough money there to last til payday........so have him give you his paycheck......and you give him a weekly allowance. If he's going to act like an irresponsible kid who can't manage money, then treat him like one..give him an allowance.

 

When I was married years ago, we had a joint acct. He'd never kept a bankbook in his life (for writing down checks he'd written, when he withdrew money from his acct, etc). As I grew up with a bookkeeper for a Mom, I had learned from the time I was 16, to do this. We had a terrible time because he would never work WITH me......and I'd spend hours scratching my head and trying to figure out why I couldn't reconcile things. Truth be told, he greatly resented me asking him to let me know when he'd written a check or taken money out of our acct..........it got to the point where he was so stubborn and childish that I just got my own acct and had him write me a check each month for his half of things. Not the way most mature couples do things, but he was very much a control freak and didn't like having to "answer" to anyone..though I didn't give a crap that he was spending money, I just wanted him to keep track..so I knew each month how much I could allot for bills and such.

 

I'd be vary weary of a man who didn't have the maturity or self-restraint to keep from blowing money such that it's a week before payday and you've got only $30 to live on. That's scary!

 

I'm concerned, too, about the fact that you stated you finally broke down and agreed to marry him, that you'd been having a lot of problems. DO you really want to marry this guy? What other kinds of problems do you have? I'm sure you know that problems that exist prior to a marriage almost always intensify after marriage.

[nikkilove]

No more joint account! You are not even married, and if you are having money problems now, it will only get worse later......

 

I've been married for years, and still have my own accounts. One less thing to fight about Open an account in your own name only, and see if things improve. Good luck.