sid Posted March 27, 2004 Share Posted March 27, 2004 hey people... i would really appreciate it if i can get some help here... here's the story: my gf and i were on a long d relationship... we had already our future planned... she was going to visit me already... with ticket in hand, she met this guy and went all the way with him... for about 2 months... then she went to visit me... and i knew something was wrong... i knew she had somebody else... but she kept denying it... until one day i had to get some co workers to investigate for me... turns out to be she had lied about everything... she was with this guy, did everything and now that she visited me she says she loves me... should i believe her and give her a second chance? thank you Link to post Share on other sites
gaia Posted March 27, 2004 Share Posted March 27, 2004 I would be very dubious about this relationship. Firstly, she didn't have a drunken one night stand - she had a full sexual relationship with another guy for 2 months. Then she lied to you. The big question is, do you ever think you'll trust her again. Without trust, a relationship has nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sid Posted March 27, 2004 Author Share Posted March 27, 2004 she said she didn't love me at that time... so she decided to "have fun"... she says she didn't love him... i know no matter what she says, it doesn't justify what she did... and somehow, even though i have all the right and reason to send her to hell and say it's over, it's hard... now she says she only wants me and loves me and doesn't see the guy anymore and only wants to be with me... and i am having such a tough time deciding if it ends here or give it another try... Link to post Share on other sites
Velveteel Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 If you had a long-distance relationship and hadn't met each other yet, she might have had this relationship with the other guy because you and she didn't feel quite "real" yet. If she really wants to move ahead with you and make a commitment, I'd give her one more chance. You seem to love each other. Maybe this was just a rocky start. What you can't do, though, is keep bringing this up in conversation. Tell her you're going to forgive her and stay with her, but that your feelings are very, very hurt, and you'll need some time to get over this. In return, she'll have to promise to be patient with you, and also to give you all the reassurance that you need and deserve in order to stay with her and rebuild the trust. And she should have no contact at all with this other guy. You deserve that. Consider couples counselling of some kind. It's really hard to stay with someone who has cheated, even when you both want to continue with the relationship. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sid Posted March 29, 2004 Author Share Posted March 29, 2004 thanks for the advice... i really want to forgive her and start all over again, but it's so hard not thinking about it and not bringing it up into conversation... cause like you said, i am really hurt you know... so right now, there is no difference between me and that other guy... so i really don't feel her love... even though she says she does... i feel i am just another "fun object" like the past guy... and i found out about this whole lie a few months after we had been together... and now, all those good memories just seem to be so fake... i don't know if i am asking too much from her or she is not trying hard enough to get my trust back... so hard to tell... Link to post Share on other sites
Velveteel Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 Everything you're feeling makes perfect sense. The only real answer here is time. I think if you broke up with her, you'd probably always wonder what would have happened if you'd tried to stick it out. So here you are. Go ahead and live the life you are in. You can always decide six months from now that it just doesn't feel right. In the meantime, expect to have a lot of pain and doubt. Expect to have even happy moments interrupted by those inner questions: "Is this real?" "Do I mean any more to her than the other guy did?" It's okay. That's part of the healing process. When I said not to bring it up in conversation, I just meant to stress that she is probably needing reassurance, too. The worse she feels about herself, the lower the chances that the two of you can make this work. So yes, talk with her once in a while (every week or two? whatever feels right.) about how you're feeling, but don't bring it up so often that she has to feel guilty all the time. There are some online resources for infidelity that might give you some more ideas about how to handle your emotions. Look up http://www.marriagebuilders.com. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sid Posted March 29, 2004 Author Share Posted March 29, 2004 velveteel, every single thing you said it's how i feel... it's amazing how well you understand thing problem i am going through... thank you for your advice... it's really helping me... i guess that's what i will do, give it another shot, try my best to forgive and forget... and if it doesn't work out in the end, i hope i am prepared... i wish that suffering and doubts are well worth it in the end... cause it's really too painful now not to think about it... i will try not to think about it, but i really can't help it... every time i see her it just comes back to my mind... i get so mad and at the same time so sad... i just hope she really regrets it... if she feels guilty, it's good, right? thanks for the link too, many useful articles... Link to post Share on other sites
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