dealing with Porn addiction

[Brinas]

How do I walk the line?

 

How do I live with a recovering addict? How closely intimate can I be yet him know i am serious about leaving with one foot out the door? I want to help. I want to punish. I will forgive but not forget.

 

After last betrayal of using and lying, I moved into the spare bedroom until the lease is up, where it is decided wether i stay or go.

 

In doing so, he has finally reached out and sought help from a religious advisor and made further appointments, which I was asked to attend. He even went as far as to tell his parents of his addiction(!). They were worried he ruined our relationship. His next move is to make a shrink appointment. I want a full physical done as the cherry on top.

 

I know I must show support and be comforting. I have made my Ultimatum and have to stick to my guns. I miss his company. I want our relationship back. I want intimacy but I have no trust.

 

I love him and it hurts.

 

I have a seven year old that just called him Dad for the first time.

 

 

 

 

I will fight like hell, but win or lose, I will live and move on.

 

Am I winning yet?

[Mick1963]

This sounds like it was written by my wife, who's also trying to decide if she wants her porn addicted-husband to stay or go. The only difference is we have 20- and 22-year-old children.

 

On top of the porn, she discovered I was having an affair - which was fueled by the need to act out fantasies. The wife did act out fantasies with me, but said a day later it made her feel uncomfortable. An affair that lasted a little over a month has wrecked 25 years of marriage. She kicked me out of the house two months ago.

 

My wife has shown little emotion or support toward my porn counseling, which has gone well. In addition, I've joined a sexual addiction support group with men who have experienced a variety of sex problems. I also told my parents, and they were very understanding and supportive.

 

However, kicking the porn/sex addiction won't happen right away for him. I was struggling with it this morning. Also, if he proclaims to be "sexually sober," he'll probably slip up and get aroused by some images he's seen in the past. Two weeks ago, as I knelt in church to pray for forgiveness, images of a military gangbang scene in the last porn flick I saw popped into my head. Satan didn't appreciate me asking the Lord for a cleansed mind and heart.

 

If you take him back, set some firm rules. Put blocks on any computer he has access at home. In fact, this morning, a co-worker told me about a web blocking site called OpenDNS.com. It's free. Tell him anything pornographic found (magazines, rented DVDs, PPV movies on TV) could be grounds for divorce. Encourage him to continue the counseling and find a support group. There are plenty of people out there who have faced the same struggles.

Edited February 21, 2011 by Mick1963

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

While I can understand porn conflicting with your faith, just enjoying the occasional adult movie does not a porn addict make. I think you're both struggling to find peace with having these thoughts, dealing with your faith, but it doesn't sound like either of you are addicted.

 

The average male mind thinks of sex every 5 mins. If that is considered blasphemous, consider me a sinner. Whether or not you act it out in your imagination, or use visual images to help it along, you're going to think these thoughts. Having a healthy mindset about it can help you heal; instead of stating that, "I am a porn addict."

 

Porn addicts spend every last buck they have on porn, and watch it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If this is not you, you're not a porn addict.

[Brinas]

Mick1963

 

So far so good, but this is just the beginning. We have the rules in place, and have even gone as far as taking the laptop with me if he is stressed that day. The stress seems to be a trigger for him. I want to do everything in my power to assist him in refraining from porn, but i know it's all up to him.

 

Today he said he had a nightmare about porn. He said he was watching it, but was freaking out because he was sure I was going to find out (which i eventually do) and leave him for good. Woke up in a cold sweat. I'm taking it as a good sign that now he's turning it into something to avoid.

 

1st counseling session he had went well, and he was happier for it when he came home. Except for the fact that he was told there might be something missing from our relationship which is why he uses porn, it seems to be going well. I mean, what could be missing? its not the lack of effort on my part for sure. we are very close, we talk, we spend time together... except for the lack of sex (which is why i started to have a problem with the porn in the first place), i don't know what else it could be.

 

I have even been getting more attention lately (yay me!) and its nice to reconnect on that level. At the same time I don't want us to move 'too fast' before he can really work on his problem, leaving the potential for a relapse.

 

it's hard. i'm already fed up with it all! i don't want to deal with it on top of everything else i have to do, plus homework! but as frustrating as it is, I can only imagine what he, and anyone else in his shoes, is going through. everyday that he makes that effort, so will i.

 

thank you for your insight. it helps knowing what to look out for. it gets better every day.

[Brinas]

 

While I can understand porn conflicting with your faith,

 

there is no conflict in faith actually. just a little guilt. he is seeing a spiritual advisor as a counselor, not a confession.

 

just enjoying the occasional adult movie does not a porn addict make.

i agree. i also did not mind him watching it. as long as it didnt get out of hand. but it did. it becomes an obsession. and it made me upset with the emotional baggage. i was diagnosed with major depression. when something you do has a negitive effect, it becomes a problem. when you knowingly continue to do it, it becomes an addiction.

 

I think you're both struggling to find peace with having these thoughts, dealing with your faith, but it doesn't sound like either of you are addicted.

thats because you must be reading a different post cause you, and me, have no idea what you are talking about.

 

The average male mind thinks of sex every 5 mins. If that is considered blasphemous, consider me a sinner. Whether or not you act it out in your imagination, or use visual images to help it along, you're going to think these thoughts.

that is not the problem. i have a VERY healthy sex drive, and he is the one who could keep up. now he has a headache, his back hurts, yadda yadda yadda. but he would be on computer a LOT. i've deleted hundreds of videos from the computer.

 

Having a healthy mindset about it can help you heal; instead of stating that, "I am a porn addict."

do reread previous statement. as well as school grades suffer, not keeping up on financials, and leaving some evidence behind. A house guest walked in on him once, not to mention how many times i have.

 

Porn addicts spend every last buck they have on porn, and watch it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If this is not you, you're not a porn addict.

i would love to know where you get your information sir because i think you need to make a complaint. it makes you sound ignorant of that which you speak knowing nothing of.

[Duckduckgoose]

Porn addicts spend every last buck they have on porn, and watch it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If this is not you, you're not a porn addict.

 

I like most of your posts but uhh... this one Imma have to disagree with Litm. Porn becomes an addiction when it interferes with the relationship. When a spouse turns to porn, or anything, and puts it before the relationship its a problem.

 

But when they are confronted and make excuses for their behaviour and nothing will change it, it becomes an addiction.

 

Drinking beer for example is not an addiction. Drinking beer too much and neglecting family duties is crossing the line. Still doing it when confronted and making excuses to not stop because of whatever reason or not being able to stop is addiction.

[skydiveaddict]

[/b]

i would love to know where you get your information sir because i think you need to make a complaint. it makes you sound ignorant of that which you speak knowing nothing of.

 

 

Yes I agree. Pornography is dangerous and evil. One of my (former) close friends lost his job and his family because of it. He shunned me also when I called him out on it.

[somedude81]

I like most of your posts but uhh... this one Imma have to disagree with Litm. Porn becomes an addiction when it interferes with the relationship. When a spouse turns to porn, or anything, and puts it before the relationship its a problem.

 

But when they are confronted and make excuses for their behaviour and nothing will change it, it becomes an addiction.

 

Drinking beer for example is not an addiction. Drinking beer too much and neglecting family duties is crossing the line. Still doing it when confronted and making excuses to not stop because of whatever reason or not being able to stop is addiction.

It's funny how porn addiction gets so much attention and a bad rap. But as you pointed out, anything that's done too much that results in putting aside family duty crosses the line.

 

When my Dad was having problems with my stepmother and the kids, he would get on his bicycle and dissapear for hours. It would be silly to say that he had a bike addiction.

 

A man being "addicted" to porn is usually a sign of a bigger problem.

[Duckduckgoose]

When my Dad was having problems with my stepmother and the kids, he would get on his bicycle and dissapear for hours. It would be silly to say that he had a bike addiction.

 

In above case, he was probably clearing his head so he can come back minus the anger and frustration and deal with the problem head on.

 

Same thing my counselor recommended I do when things are making me mad.

[skydiveaddict]

I like most of your posts but uhh... this one Imma have to disagree with Litm. Porn becomes an addiction when it interferes with the relationship.

 

 

She is ready to leave him over it. How can you say that it's not interfering with their relationship?

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Okay, fair enough, I was wrong.

 

I don't see why porn can't be part of a relationship. But if it's interfering in his life, to the point where he can't think of anything else, or carry out his duties as a husband and father, then it's an addiction.

 

It's like the difference between my best friend, and my cousin. My cousin locked himself in his room and smoked weed every day, all day. He didn't make anything out of his life, and was a loser.

 

That is in contrast to my best friend, who runs a business out of his home, has a steady girlfriend, is very family oriented, and loves music and skateboarding. He smokes weed recreation-ally, but has never been an addict.

[Duckduckgoose]

Now you're getting it Litm!

 

My "addiction" could be WoW or other video games. Or that damn Farmville on Facebook.

 

However I do not let my gaming interfere with my relationships. RL comes first. When my stbxH put porn before our sex life I tried talking to him about it, tried reasoning, tried threatening, begging, becoming angry, withdrawing... just whatever I could do to get him to stop short of yelling or being physically violent. I suggested bedroom toys, bought some handcuffs... asked him if there was anything in his porn that he wanted to try with me.

 

He said there was nothing in the porn he wanted to try with me because it was all very degrading and some was physically not possible.

 

I made myself available to him, I kept myself attractive for him. Other men would look at me out in public... but my husband couldn't look at me that way. I feel very sorry for anyone he dates in the future. I hope I can meet her 1-on-1 to warn her.

[Brinas]

glad we are almost on the same page

 

new question: is it absurd for me to be upset to find out that he came home early one day while i was out?

 

he didn't tell me he left work until i had called him. said he was doing homework, which he takes classes online for. after i came home he eventually asked me for the text book that he needed for homework. so he lied and i'm that much more suspicious. can't find anything on the computer.

 

when my friend asked me why i was so angry, i tried to explain it as a man who got caught cheating while 'staying late at work', then staying late again under suspicious circumstances.

 

thats about how i feel.

[dreamingoftigers]

glad we are almost on the same page

 

new question: is it absurd for me to be upset to find out that he came home early one day while i was out?

 

he didn't tell me he left work until i had called him. said he was doing homework, which he takes classes online for. after i came home he eventually asked me for the text book that he needed for homework. so he lied and i'm that much more suspicious. can't find anything on the computer.

 

when my friend asked me why i was so angry, i tried to explain it as a man who got caught cheating while 'staying late at work', then staying late again under suspicious circumstances.

 

thats about how i feel.

 

If you've got the flip-flops in your stomach and you damn well know something is up, then it is.

 

I couldn't sleep through the night soundly for two years. Your body and gut (and he won't wanna touch you) will tell you all that you need to know. Stop doubting yourself! It is damn uncanny how accurate that is! No matter how tearfully, sincerely, wonderously he lies to you, your body knows something is wrong and is a threat.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I will say this from a perspective of someone who has really odd porn:

 

Not all of it can be acted out.

 

If I were to act out my fantasies in real life, I would be arrested. That is not to say that I can't roleplay them with a potential partner; but I commented on this on ENA...sometimes I have to turn to the porn to scratch that itch, because it simply is not possible to bring it into reality.

 

However, would I choose the "odd porn" over regular sex? No way! That is where the OP's husband is faltering. Now, would I choose the porn in addition to sex, and compromise with my girlfriend/wife on when I should watch it (and possibly tune down the masturbation some?) Definitely!

 

Moderation is key. I have never had sex, and I've recognized that if I masturbate too much, I get really depressed and my hormones are thrown out of whack (feeling extremely tired.) The same goes for sex addiction, whether it is regular sex or internet sex. It's all bad.

[Brinas]

I will say this from a perspective of someone who has really odd porn:

 

Not all of it can be acted out.

 

If I were to act out my fantasies in real life, I would be arrested. That is not to say that I can't roleplay them with a potential partner; but I commented on this on ENA...sometimes I have to turn to the porn to scratch that itch, because it simply is not possible to bring it into reality.

 

However, would I choose the "odd porn" over regular sex? No way! That is where the OP's husband is faltering. Now, would I choose the porn in addition to sex, and compromise with my girlfriend/wife on when I should watch it (and possibly tune down the masturbation some?) Definitely!

 

Moderation is key. I have never had sex, and I've recognized that if I masturbate too much, I get really depressed and my hormones are thrown out of whack (feeling extremely tired.) The same goes for sex addiction, whether it is regular sex or internet sex. It's all bad.

 

I actually in agreement with you on this 1oo%. Everybody has a dirty dark side. There is no Yang without Yin. You make the choice to entertain the idea or to act it out. That is the true fight of Good vs. Evil.

 

Do I really want to run the a..hole that cut me off, off the road into a fire explosion? Hell yes! Screw the idiot! i'd be doing the world a favor! But I must refrain. So instead I yell, make a face, flip the bird, and drive off pouting and bitching for the next 3o minutes. But the image still made me smile.

 

The same understanding can be applied to porn or any other "fetish". At the level you described, that is what the porn is, is a fetish. Thats ok. For me at least.

 

I'm the cat that got the cream

Haven't got a girl but I can dream

Haven't got a girl but I can wish

So I'll take me down to Main street

And that's where I select my imaginary dish

 

Standing on a corner watching all the girls go by

Standing on a corner giving all the girls the eye

Brother if you've got a rich imagination

Give it a whirl, give it a try

Try standing on a corner watching all the girls

Watching all the girls, watching all the girls go by

 

Brother you can't go to jail for what you're thinking

Or for that woo look in your eye

Standing on the corner watching all the girls

Watching all the girls, watching all the girls go by

 

 

sorry its late and i'm rambling

[Brinas]

If you've got the flip-flops in your stomach and you damn well know something is up, then it is.

 

I couldn't sleep through the night soundly for two years. Your body and gut (and he won't wanna touch you) will tell you all that you need to know. Stop doubting yourself! It is damn uncanny how accurate that is! No matter how tearfully, sincerely, wonderously he lies to you, your body knows something is wrong and is a threat.

 

 

wow. yeah. scary accurate.

[dreamingoftigers]

Literally could sometimes see the guilt and shame dripping from him, one of the last times we had sex he was looking at me all day, but not with desire it anything but with guilt and then he initiated.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

What if a person is into BDSM porn, and he loves his wife, but his wife likes vanilla sex?

 

Is it better for him to cheat with someone who will fulfill his fantasies, or leave his wife? Or is it better for him to (safely) visit BDSM sites, at his convenience, and not cheat on his wife?

 

There has to be a line drawn.

[starryeyed12]

What if a person is into BDSM porn, and he loves his wife, but his wife likes vanilla sex?

 

Is it better for him to cheat with someone who will fulfill his fantasies, or leave his wife? Or is it better for him to (safely) visit BDSM sites, at his convenience, and not cheat on his wife?

 

There has to be a line drawn.

 

I don't know exactly what BDSM porn is, but in truth it doesn't matter. Sex in a relationship is very important. It's a big part of the connection that keeps people together for he long haul. To have a happy and healthy relationship it should be part of the goal and worked to maintain. This proves to be hard ( check out the marriage forum). If u have a vanilla sex wife while u enjoy something more taboo then you are setting yourself up for problems. Yes you may love her, but love is about compatiblity too. Porn is a dividing and fascinating subject, hence the popularity of threads on this site alone. You have to be smart and honest with yourself and your partner because anything sex related has the power to be incredibly bonding or equally devastating. People forget that when its casually tossed about.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I don't know exactly what BDSM porn is, but in truth it doesn't matter. Sex in a relationship is very important. It's a big part of the connection that keeps people together for he long haul. To have a happy and healthy relationship it should be part of the goal and worked to maintain. This proves to be hard ( check out the marriage forum). If u have a vanilla sex wife while u enjoy something more taboo then you are setting yourself up for problems. Yes you may love her, but love is about compatiblity too. Porn is a dividing and fascinating subject, hence the popularity of threads on this site alone. You have to be smart and honest with yourself and your partner because anything sex related has the power to be incredibly bonding or equally devastating. People forget that when its casually tossed about.

 

What if the percentage of women who are into a "kink" you have, are about 2% of the female population?

 

I have this problem. I have a kink, that a few girls are into, but most guys who are into this kink (and have girlfriends), well their girlfriends put up with it, but aren't into it.

 

By your standards, 75% of the forum I belong to, a porn forum based on this kink, should not have girlfriends. However, they have wives/girlfriends/significant others. Are they setting themselves up for problems? Would they be better off without their girlfriends, who are very understanding about it, and let them engage in the fantasy online rather than bringing it into the bedroom?

 

Your reasoning is flawed.

[starryeyed12]

What if the percentage of women who are into a "kink" you have, are about 2% of the female population?

 

I have this problem. I have a kink, that a few girls are into, but most guys who are into this kink (and have girlfriends), well their girlfriends put up with it, but aren't into it.

 

By your standards, 75% of the forum I belong to, a porn forum based on this kink, should not have girlfriends. However, they have wives/girlfriends/significant others. Are they setting themselves up for problems? Would they be better off without their girlfriends, who are very understanding about it, and let them engage in the fantasy online rather than bringing it into the bedroom?

 

Your reasoning is flawed.

 

I disagree with you and you misunderstand my point.

 

First, one thing you realize about being seriously involved with someone is that it is NOT easy. You have absolutely no evidence that the people in your porn forum are living out happy and heathy lives. How many people are going to openly admit on a porn forum that they live in sexless marriage or something of that nature, or have some other kind of relationship problem sex related or otherwise? Maybe they are happy, go ahead and argue that, but you have no proof that their wives are happy and they themselves are happy.

 

Go to the marriage forum and read all the threads about sexless marriages and cheating and people chosing porn over their SO. There are a lot of couples having sexually related problems in their marriage or relationship (the OP included). I bet if your saw these people living about their day or coming home and partaking in their chosen stress relieving pastime, you wouldn't have a clue what they are going through because they wouldn't mention a word of it. Hence, the beauty of sites like LS, especially for men. Here is where the truth comes out. Here is where people come to spill their guts out. Unless you have strong relationships with the people on the porn forum, your argument is weak. Don't assume you can compare yourself to other people and other relationships. Don't assume that you know what goes on behind closed doors.

 

Also, I didn't say that the only woman you will be in a successful relationship will be one who you can play out your darkest fantasies. I said:

 

"Porn is a dividing and fascinating subject, hence the popularity of threads on this site alone. You have to be smart and honest with yourself and your partner because anything sex related has the power to be incredibly bonding or equally devastating."

 

Those men you are talking about, who claim to have wives who "put up with it, but aren't into it" are at least being smart and honest about their sex lives. They aren't going out cheating and risking an STD by acting it out with strangers (smart) and they are open with their partner about their sexual choices (honest). The point is that both parties in the relationship know what's going on, and (we'll take on the major assumtion) they are cool with it.

 

My advice to your question remains the same, I don't recommed marrying a vanilla sex woman unless you are going to be smart and honest about your differing sex lives. This may or may not be something hypothetical-vanilla-sex-wife will take, but she has a right to know. The problems that can arise come from her not accepting or understanding your sexual choices. Just like OP has a right to know what's going on in her SO's sex life. (my attempt to get back to the original thread)

Edited March 12, 2011 by starryeyed12
grammar

[sweetjasmine]

What if a person is into BDSM porn, and he loves his wife, but his wife likes vanilla sex?

 

Is it better for him to cheat with someone who will fulfill his fantasies, or leave his wife? Or is it better for him to (safely) visit BDSM sites, at his convenience, and not cheat on his wife?

 

It's better for people who are fundamentally sexually incompatible to not get married in the first place.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Oh Christ! People don't listen on here.

 

Go on dreaming your fantasies. You'll never have them happen in reality.

[sweetjasmine]

Oh Christ! People don't listen on here.

 

Do you disagree with what I said?

 

If my SO had a kink that I didn't share and it was so important to him that he would CHEAT if he didn't have access to porn involving that kink, then I would consider that significant sexual incompatibility. He would be better off with someone who actually shares that kink, and I would be better off with someone who shares my preferences.

 

If he can find someone to cheat with who shares that kink, why wouldn't he try to date her instead of someone who doesn't share that kink?

 

If I had to "put up with" sexual acts that I didn't enjoy for years, I would grow resentful, and both of us would be ultimately unfulfilled and unsatisfied. There are people out there who could do that long term - more power to them - but it's generally foolish for a couple to marry if they have widely disparate sexual preferences.

 

Go on dreaming your fantasies. You'll never have them happen in reality.

 

What?