Would you want to know if a friend has a crush on you if you're taken?

[Ricl]

Looking for the female perspective on this.

 

I'm in this situation... I have a huge crush on this girl. Might be a bit more than that.

I am not really making a secret of it so I suspect she knows. I also suspect, for a variety of reasons, that she's into me too.

The thing is, she has a boyfriend.

 

I do want to tell her the feelings I have for her, but I don't want to make things awkward. I'm not sure how fair it is to actually tell her, even if she already knows.

Besides that, as I suspect she has feelings for me too that could also be unfair as she might be more tempted to admit them herself.

 

And her boyfriend, while they have the occasional issues, doesn't seem like a bad guy.

 

So, is it more fair to tell my feelings and let her make up her own mind, or not mention it so there's no awkwardness?

[StoneCold]

I am not really making a secret of it so I suspect she knows. I also suspect, for a variety of reasons, that she's into me too.

 

Or she may just like the attention but have no intentions with you whatsover...women can be funny like that....they thrive on attention

 

 

Its really hard to say....you really have to expand on why you think shes into you.

Edited February 21, 2011 by StoneCold

[carhill]

Why do you suspect she has feelings for you? If by feelings, you mean she finds you attractive, what signs is she showing?

 

You do know that her actively showing signs of attraction to you while she is in a relationship with someone else is a harbinger of things to come, right?

 

'So, are you and your boyfriend exclusive?'

 

Listen.

 

Like StoneCold alluded to, I've had many MW's over the course of my life express obvious signs of attraction, but, overwhelmingly, they were/are well-learned and practiced signals to effect an ego feed for attention. When full, like the mosquito, they pull their probiscus out and fly off to the next meal. All I'm left with is an itchy bump.

 

Try something else, or ask her if she wants a casual sexual relationship. Responses are always interesting to hear. Good luck

[Ricl]

Well, I've thought about the possibility of it just being an ego boost, her liking the attention I give her.

 

The signs she gives me I read along the lines of a crush-like interest. Though it might just be innocent play for her, an entertaining idea, nothing else.

 

Some points that make me suspect she likes me.

-Her tricking me into saying things because she thinks it's cute how I say them.

-Her going on cam with me for many hours while she's nearly falling asleep the whole time, but preferring to stay on cam with me.

-Her saying she'll miss me when I go to bed.

-Her being overly happy when I say something nice.

 

And many more small things.

[whichwayisup]

No, don't tell her how you feel. No good can come of it, even more so since she has a boyfriend. It's selfish to tell her. If you can't handle being around her and your feelings are getting deeper, then you need to distance yourself from her and detach. It hurts to be around someone you can't have. Also, what you feel for her will prevent you from letting someone else close to you.

 

Chances are, she feels the same way but cannot do anything about it.

[Odyssey]

1. she loves the attention she gets from you.

2. she's attracted to you, but not willing to break up with her bf.

 

Either way, the door isn't open (she's with her bf). So i think it's best to walk away from this... and put your time & effort on those that are single. Bet on a full rather than a half chance.

[carhill]

-Her tricking me into saying things because she thinks it's cute how I say them.

-Her going on cam with me for many hours while she's nearly falling asleep the whole time, but preferring to stay on cam with me.

-Her saying she'll miss me when I go to bed.

-Her being overly happy when I say something nice.

 

And many more small things.

 

Sounds like most of my female friends. I don't do web cam but do have a cell phone recording of a certain LS friend snoring

 

Here's some big things:

Holding hands

Touching your body

Kissing

Telling you she loves you

 

When you get the light switch *off* after the big things, you won't sweat the small stuff anymore. I get the small stuff from women everyday. Some are just being friendly. Others are trolling for an ego feed. BTDT, served my time. Done.

 

Ask her some direct questions, like I suggested above, accept the answers and act on them. Anything other than being single and accepting a date is contrary to your goal. That's my advice. If she is single and available and agreeable to date, then *show* her your 'crush'; don't tell her about it. BTDT too, too many times to remember lucidly. Actions are your path.

[xpaperxcutx]

I wouldn't want to know or bother to find out. It's one thing to participate in harmless flirting, it's another to do it knowing the other person is unavailable.

[tigressA]

I'd want to know so I could end the "friendship". I wouldn't want a guy I'm not into mooning around me, whether or not I'm taken.

[glimmer]

Looking for the female perspective on this.

 

I'm in this situation... I have a huge crush on this girl. Might be a bit more than that.

I am not really making a secret of it so I suspect she knows. I also suspect, for a variety of reasons, that she's into me too.

The thing is, she has a boyfriend.

 

I do want to tell her the feelings I have for her, but I don't want to make things awkward. I'm not sure how fair it is to actually tell her, even if she already knows.

Besides that, as I suspect she has feelings for me too that could also be unfair as she might be more tempted to admit them herself.

 

And her boyfriend, while they have the occasional issues, doesn't seem like a bad guy.

 

So, is it more fair to tell my feelings and let her make up her own mind, or not mention it so there's no awkwardness?

 

I think you should be honest with her. Especially because the boyfriend may have expressed that he suspects you like her and she might actually be naively defending you saying, "we're just friends! don't be paranoid!"

Be honest with her and/or go your own way.

[freestyle]

If one of my male friends admitted to having a crush on me, I would instantly feel awkward, especially because I am in a relationship right now.

 

I would find myself tip-toeing all the time, being careful not to send any messages (verbal or non-verbal) -that would hint at the feelings being reciprocated. It's possible, that I would even feel just a little bit resentful about having that laid in my lap. Whether or not that's a fair reaction---it's how I might feel, I have to be honest.Especially since I have very firm boundaries with platonic friends, and I'm ultra-careful not to come across as flirty.

 

Carhill's right--there are a lot of women that are flirty with male friends, just because they're really looking for an ego feed.I've seen it in action.

 

(BTW Carhill, I'm going to be chuckling over your description for a long time--"...All I'm left with is an itchy bump........" )GREAT analogy for the situation....

[Ricl]

Thanks for all the answers.

The opinions seem a bit mixed but leaning more towards my original thought of not telling her.

 

I'd still love more opinions, but for now I'll keep it to myself.

 

 

@Tigress

Why do you put friendship in quotation marks?

Just because I'm very much into her doesn't mean I value our friendship any less. If I didn't care about that I wouldn't have needed to make this topic.

 

@Carhill

Asking something like if she wants a casual sexual relationship doesn't really work for me. Sex is easy enough to get, I'd prefer more than that.

Besides, considering she has a boyfriend, that sounds like an insulting question to me. It's not like she's in a closed relationship.

And any too direct question is like admitting my feelings for her.

[whichwayisup]

but for now I'll keep it to myself.

 

I think you're doing the right thing by not telling her. If the time comes she and her boyfriend break up, and when the timing is better (like not RIGHT after breakup, give it time) then think about it again.

 

Let me ask you. What is the point of telling her? How will that make things better for you and for her? (if you change your mind and want to tell her now, let's say)..

[Ricl]

Let me ask you. What is the point of telling her? How will that make things better for you and for her? (if you change your mind and want to tell her now, let's say)..

 

The point would be that knowing it she could make a decision for herself. Maybe she would rethink her current relationship thinking she found someone more suitable. Unlikely but possible.

 

More unlikely, it can also add to the friendship. I'd still be there for her and give her advice on how to deal with certain relationship issues like I do now. For her it could be nice to know that someone who'd "love" to see her single isn't working on sabotaging her relationship.

But, more likely that she'd feel awkward in asking advice and is unable to see the truth of my words, regardless of what those words are.

Note: So far I've not badmouthed her bf, nor seen a reason to.

 

But that all weighs in against the very real possibility of making our friendship awkward and her tip-toeing around me.

 

 

I always overthink things way too much when it's myself involved.

[whichwayisup]

Or, she'll get real angry at you, feel like you've betrayed her and end the friendship completely. If you tell her how you feel, be prepared for whatever happens afterwards. Own it and accept it. I'm just saying that right now you can't predict her reaction or how she's going to feel.

 

Some girls are okay with it, some aren't. It might make her feel uncomfortable and self conscious around you, or maybe she'll flirt with you more, possibly end up cheating on her boyfriend with you. You do NOT want to be the guy she has a side fling with.. Don't put yourself in that situation.

[Grinning Maniac]

If you walk away and wait until she's single, the ironic thing that will probably happen is that you two will have lost touch and she will end up dating some "friend" she's slowly built up a connection with.

 

There's no winning really.

[Ricl]

Yeah, always a problem that you never know for sure. Even if a hundred people adviced me to tell her, she might still hate it. xD

 

And @ Maniac

Love is always a risk. Pursuing it or not pursuing it, it's a risk regardless.

[Grinning Maniac]

I go back and forth. On the one hand, you don't want to lose touch with the person and risk losing something that could have been. On the other hand, staying in touch can kill you inside.

[Ricl]

I disagree with you, Carbon.

First, flirting isn't the same as emotionally cheating. I might look more into the flirting she does over my feelings for her.

Second, her sleeping with me would be a nice indication of her liking me. But as I don't need a cheating girl that wouldn't work for me. In any event, her not sleeping with me also doesn't mean she doesn't like me. I don't know where you got that reasoning but it's stupid. -_-

 

Last, you seem like a bit of a butthurt guy. Or girl, whatever. You have a clear angry stereotype. And with that I have to disagree with every word you say.

[whichwayisup]

butthurt guy

 

What a great line. Gonna use that someday! thanks!