the thought of your ex with someone else

[fetish]

It's so hard to do NC, especially if all that's going through your head is the thought of them hooking up with someone else. Thats the hardest part of it all. Me and my gf (fiance) of 8 years broke up about a week and 1/2 ago. She's been opening up the door of contact and texted me even wanted to come over and talk on sat after getting her hair, nails and stuff done. (All the things i used to like about her).

 

I had to work that day. She told me to call her when i had time. I texted her back and told her i got off at 10:30p and for her to call me then if she wanted to talk. Haven't heard back from her since, and this is the longest she's gone without contacting me since we broke up.

 

I knew she's trying to put the ball in my court so she still can be reassured i still care about her. She blew up and ran out on me in the first place, and totally ignored me when i wold her i wasn't going to put up with her gambling problem the night before. She let the car note (which i cosigned for) go unpaid for a month and messed with my credit and then went to stay w/ her best friend (her gambling buddy).

 

Now i'm supposed to act like i care about her and run after her? Nope, i have my pride. But the thought she might hook up with someone else still kills me because this break up is still so fresh. How do you deal with that?

 

Please L/S, i really need help on this NC thing

Edited February 21, 2011 by fetish

[2011]

Yeah it's a horrible feeling alright but there's nothing you can do about it. If you keep in contact you will only find out and be much more in pain. Best to cut the cord and never actually find out.

 

2011

[broken-and-lost]

yeah you really don't want to know trust me my girl told me valentines she had flowers from some guy ever since i've had dreams about it sucks big time

[Mixed28]

The girl I loved was with someone else after 2 months of our breakup. It sucks and I know how you feel.

[fetish]

sorry to hear that happened yall.

 

It's hard for me not to stay in contact because we were living together, planning to marry. She still has over 70% of her things at the house that both of our names are on, still has a key to the apartment, and also her car is also tied to my name because i made the mistake of cosigning for her 2 years ago. I thought we were gonna marry so i finally said "Why not?"

 

break ups suck. I'm thinking i should just go out and find some chick to bang to get that premonition out of my head but i'm just not ready to move on just yet. I really don't think the pain will go away even if i did get with someone else. I'm still hurting and by the way my ex has been contacting me through text, i'm thinking she is still too.

 

But what if? She could go out and bang some other dude first to stay in control while i'm sitting here hurting like some punk. She is with her gambling best friend who likes to have 2 guyfriends so she might be encouraging her and giving her pointers. I'm losing my mind

Edited February 21, 2011 by fetish

[flow15]

Your ex is going to move on, whether its tomorrow or in 2 months time.. it will happen eventually, you can't do anything about it.

 

Don't rush into moving on with someone just because you think your ex has. Get with another girl when you are ready to, when you have healed from this break up. Because its more than likely that getting with another girl will make you miss your ex more, and you will be leading the new girl on

 

I know how horrible it is, the thought of your ex with someone else. My ex broke up with me nearly a month ago now, and I know he's already been with at least 1 other girl since then. When I first found out I couldn't sleep for 3 days because I kept thinking about the two of them together, but I've just learnt to accept that he isn't coming back any time soon and its natural for them to move on, and eventually we will too.

 

Just try to block out any thoughts you have of her with anyone else, you've only been apart a short while so its all still so fresh, it will get better with time.

[fetish]

i know flow15 and that's the hardest part. Just knowing that she belonged to me for 8 years. Problem with her is, the girl was too negative and couldn't be happy. She was mad when i didn't propose and when i did, she was mad that i proposed after us being together for so long, yet she still accepted and was wanting to get married still. She didn't have the skills to save for the wedding she wanted. My idea was we could get married at the courthouse and then save for a ceremony later if she really wanted to be married. But I told her all she wanted was the show.

 

She proved she's not a fighter and gives up too easily. Everytime she got angry, she would leave out for a while. It wouldn't have mattered if i proposed to her 7 years ago. The type of person she is would have ruined an engagement or a marriage even bac then and this would have ultimately happened anyway!

[fetish]

i know flow15 and that's the hardest part. Just knowing that she belonged to me for 8 years. Problem with her is, the girl was too negative and couldn't be happy. She was mad when i didn't propose and when i did, she was mad that i proposed after us being together for so long, yet she still accepted and was wanting to get married still. She didn't have the skills to save for the wedding she wanted. My idea was we could get married at the courthouse and then save for a ceremony later if she really wanted to be married. But I told her all she wanted was the show.

 

She proved she's not a fighter and is not strong enough to weather through any storms. Too many times when she got angry, she would leave out for a while. It wouldn't have mattered if i proposed to her 7 years ago. The type of person she is would have ruined an engagement or a marriage even back then. This would have ultimately happened anyway whether we were married or not!

[flow15]

My ex wasn't a fighter either, I fought time and time again for our relationship... yet he just ran away when things got tough.

 

Do you know what? It opened my eyes, he just didn't love me enough.. if he did he would have fought for me, and your ex would have too.

[fetish]

I believe if it weren't for her gambling addiction getting out of control, things may have been different. I think her gambling overtook her and diluted her love for me. She has an addictive personality and doesn't control herself on certain things. She had bad money management skills and often overdrafted her account. I would end up having to bail her out on several occasions.

 

I still wonder why was she sending me little bread crumb text messages last week about a recent injury she had and how much pain she was in and hope the lump on her stomach wasn't cancer. I wouldn't reply, but then she sent me a message saying: "you don't care about me. you act like u want nothing to do with me and don't reply to my text. I gave you my best years and this is how you repay me".

 

I still wonder what that was about?

[flow15]

i wonder if your ex is the female version of mine? he too is addicted to gambling... and i feel it diluted his love for me too. in the end, our relationship was me watching him gamble.

 

well they say the 'bread crumb texts' are them just checking in to see if they still have u there right where they want u. when my ex broke up with me for the first time, he'd txt me in the middle of the night telling me he missed me and wanted to see me. id get so excited and tell him ok lets see eachother then (this was b4 i discovered this website) and then he'd say, we can't. its like wtf?

im pretty sure if i had ignored it, it would have driven him crazy.

[fetish]

yeah it would've messed with him. it's all about power and i think that's what the NC is for. It's like sometimes people feel guilty about N/C.

 

I think it's wierd because i think she's the way guys ususally are and i'm the more sensitive one, the way women ususally are. I feel like such a punk! That's why guys are dogs. If i had continued to do the things i did before, like act uncaring and mack on other chicks, she probably would've stayed in check. Oh well! It's not too late, now i gotta tough up and start this N/C thing all over again because i did break N/C when i replied to her and told her she broke my heart. I was doing that to make her feel guilty.

Edited February 21, 2011 by fetish

[flow15]

Yep... you gotta act like you don't care. He who cares less controls the relationship

[Layzie89]

We all know how you feel fetish. The though of our ex's being with someone else always hurts. It's been two months since my breakup and I know for a fact my ex has had sex with at least one guy already. You have to learn to accept it. Accept that your ex possibly and more than likely is hooking up with someone else. It'll only kill you more to keep wondering, and keep thinking about it. Accept it, face the truth and make it easier on yourself

[kaygato]

My ex already had a new girlfriend 3 weeks after our breakup. He'd broken up with me 3 times in 3 months though so I think he'd already started getting feelings for her before the breakup. I'm so mad I let him string me along for 3 months. At least then I wouldn't feel like he basically emotionally cheated on me. It is an ldr so that made things more difficult. I just really wish I would have accepted the break up the first time instead of giving him the power to hurt me like this.

 

Part of me wants to get a new boyfriend, but I know the only reason is because I'm lonely and am hoping to possibly get a reaction from my ex. I don't wanna let him have that power over me so I'm waiting till I'm happy and comfortable being single again. I don't feel like it would be fair to get into a new relationship when I'm still heartbroken.

 

But yeah...I need to stop thinking about him and her together. It isn't making me feel better for sure.

[0hpenelope]

Now i'm supposed to act like i care about her and run after her? Nope, i have my pride. But the thought she might hook up with someone else still kills me because this break up is still so fresh. How do you deal with that?

 

Please L/S, i really need help on this NC thing

Hmm... I know I'm going to move on and my ex is going to move on, too. I don't want to know about it because I know I need time to get to the point of not caring and I still care about him. But in general, my attitude is "Go on, girl! He's your problem now and not mine!"

 

For all of the good qualities he praised about me during the relationship, perhaps he'll realize that our problems weren't so bad after all. How is he going to appreciate my good qualities if he doesn't have other girls to compare with? He should date and get back to life without me in it.

 

I'm the one who went silent, I'm the one who didn't hang around, I'm the one who is assertive enough to say "I want you back. I don't care when, I don't care how, but I am going to move on and I will not wait for you. I am not interested in being friends with you now and ever. If you change your mind about us, call me. If not, I don't want to talk to you ever again." I'm the one who disappeared from him and I'm giving him space because he asked for it. I learned my mistakes from my previous relationship and let me tell you I WILL NEVER CHASE ANYONE AGAIN. I did that with the ex that brought me to LS and forgiving myself for acting pathetic and weak and desperate was a long road.

 

No one will get me back to that dark place again. I will learn from my mistakes in this recently ended relationship and I'm going to move on.

 

I see my ex as a quitter. People nowadays want instant gratification and he's one of them. People like him cannot deal with putting in the work because it's much easier to quit than to work hard. I mean, other girls (boys) will be out there right? Much easier to start over! Working stuff out in a relationship is not worth it, according to his reasoning. PUH-LEEZ! Guess what? That's the kind of guy his next girlfriend wants? Then SHE can keep him! I don't have a need for quitters in my life. Alone or w/ someone, I will be happy! My ex is weak, immature and that's his business to change or not. Not my concern anymore.

 

So yes! I want my ex to date around a lot! He's the one who wants me out of his life, then I will hold him to his word: he should stay gone and away from me. He should date lots of girls.

[fetish]

thanks ohpenelope. You, flow15, and everybody on here have been very insightful and encouraging as I've been dealing with this pain.

 

I've been out the dating game for a while. It's like i don't even know how to approach women anymore. The last time i really dated was 22 or 23. I know i can't do the same things I did in my early 20s as I would at the age of 30. Will anyone even want my old but now? Not a hot young tenderoni, well maybe if I have money!

[0hpenelope]

thanks ohpenelope. You, flow15, and everybody on here have been very insightful and encouraging as I've been dealing with this pain.

 

I've been out the dating game for a while. It's like i don't even know how to approach women anymore. The last time i really dated was 22 or 23. I know i can't do the same things I did in my early 20s as I would at the age of 30. Will anyone even want my old but now? Not a hot young tenderoni, well maybe if I have money!

We all share the same pain, ages be damned. Our stories and circumstances are different, but that pain is the same. I'm not making my ex to be a bad guy because he's not bad for having a change of heart and mind. It just stinks that when that happens in a relationship, someone gets hurt. I'm not going to invalidate my own pain, though, in recognizing that about my situation. It hurts being left behind. But I also know that when there's pain, relief will come and I'm looking forward to that relief. I'm not angry anymore, I just want to stop missing him as most of the people here feel.

 

Who knows. Really. Who freaking knows what's going to happen. I see it all the time on LS: exes come back, exes do not but those left behind heal and want nothing to do w/ them anymore; exes are never heard from again; some still carry the pain in their heart but are moving on in spite of feeling that way. For myself, he will never call me again and I believe this more and more everyday.

 

What I do know is that NC has always helped me move on and helps me avoid becoming even more deeply set into my ex's friend zone. He's done that w/ his ex-gf and that was a problem in our relationship: he's still very good friends w/ her and I felt that I wasn't enough to make him happy because she's so important to him that he wants to keep her around. WELL... they can have each other, then. NC widens the gap between us and if I learned anything real about this guy, he will be hesitant to get in touch with me in recognition of his own idiocy. Good. I had to contact him for business reasons after the b/u and immediately after that, he gained his space to wallow in self-reflection should he be strong enough to confront himself. He's doomed to repeat the same mistakes in every new relationship he gets into, until he finds it in himself to change. If he goes back to his ex-gf, I dodged a bullet with him; if he keeps finding reason to get w/ one girl, break-up/, get w/ another girl, I dodged a bullet with him too!

 

I know I'm changing. I'm changing a lot because I want to. I really want that personal growth for myself and so should you want the same for yourself. Also, I dare you to go to the Separation and Divorce forums and say that 30 is too old to date again! Your relationship with your ex lasted longer than some marriages have.

 

It's not the length of time we're with our exes. Among the wise words I remember from reading other b/u threads is that the one person our exes cannot run away from is themselves. We have our own faults that caused the break-up, but it's not our fault that they chose to leave. Staying is a choice and they didn't want to work things out with us. Again, we could've been the most flawless, loving, supportive significant other and our exes would still find reason to leave if they so wanted to. I never thought that the people who were broken up with are faultless in the relationship's death, but short of dumpees giving the dumper compelling reason to go (ie. dumpees were abusive, cheaters, etc.), the dumper's decision to just give up and walk away is not the dumpee's fault.

 

NC. She will call you if she wants you. It's a tough pill to swallow, but use NC to improve yourself. If reconciliation is what you want, you can't be with her if you're the same guy; she left that guy, remember? NC is win-win because you'll find, in time, that you don't want her at all anymore, perhaps even to the point of seeing her as not an ex but a demotion to "that one girl."

 

Also, I forgot to react to this:

 

She blew up and ran out on me in the first place, and totally ignored me when i wold her i wasn't going to put up with her gambling problem the night before. She let the car note (which i cosigned for) go unpaid for a month and messed with my credit and then went to stay w/ her best friend (her gambling buddy).

Fetish. REALLY? Really now? Holy moly, once you are able to harness the full benefits of NC (which, again I emphasize, is for you alone!), you're going to leave her so far behind that you'll not want her back! 8 years of your patience and love and she still left you anyway? Where is she going to find a quality guy like that! It looks like she has her own issues to deal with and if she hasn't made an honest effort to acknowledge her problems and take the steps to sort them out, then it doesn't matter if she finds someone else, that guy will have his hands full too! I'd feel bad for that new boyfriend. Good luck to him!

[depplover_1980]

Fetish, you are 30 not 80 so stop talking about no one wanting you. At 30 you still have your looks, but also experience, maturity and usually a better humour. You'll have lots to offer the right person, even younger girls will be interested on the above basis.

[fetish]

Thanks depplover 1980 and Ohpenelope for your replies.

 

I'm doing the NC thing right now. It's been 3 days. Before she was stroking my ego a little bit by continuing to text me. At least that let me know she still cared. She hasn't texted me since saturday when she told me to call her when i had time. I'm dying of pain of this NC, and now i think she really is trying to move on since she sees I'm not just going to jump and chase after her like she wants.

 

But how do i keep the NC when she's driving the car that i cosigned for? I only did it because i thought we were getting married? I know i made a mistake and usually i'm good about not cosigningt, but at the time, i was planning to marry this woman. Her family couldn't get her a car and she needed help. I wasn't going to leave her hanging. We had already been together for 6 years.

 

Now, I don't even know exactly where her girlfriend lives, but if she misses a car payment again, I'm screwed.

Edited February 22, 2011 by fetish

[depplover_1980]

I don't know here, as UK rights are different to US. Have you searched on the internet for legal advice? If the car is in your name, you have a right to possess the car and sell it surely?

[fetish]

Fetish. REALLY? Really now? Holy moly, once you are able to harness the full benefits of NC (which, again I emphasize, is for you alone!), you're going to leave her so far behind that you'll not want her back! 8 years of your patience and love and she still left you anyway? Where is she going to find a quality guy like that! It looks like she has her own issues to deal with and if she hasn't made an honest effort to acknowledge her problems and take the steps to sort them out, then it doesn't matter if she finds someone else, that guy will have his hands full too! I'd feel bad for that new boyfriend. Good luck to him!

 

 

This comment basically made my day. Last night, i went to update my relaitonship status on F/B and found out she had already done it on her page Since my name was tied to her for being engaged to, i found out that way. My heart sank. I felt like i was going nuts and couldn't sleep.

 

I just want you to know this last comment has really made me realize that although i was hurt deeply last night, in the end, I'm going to come out stronger and be the ultimate winner. Matter fact, i have to think that i already am the winner. I think you're the winner out of your situation too.

 

I don't know here, as UK rights are different to US. Have you searched on the internet for legal advice? If the car is in your name, you have a right to possess the car and sell it surely?

 

I may have to get a lawyer. I don't know where her friend lives, but i do know where she works if I wanted to get the car. If i came and got the car, I know she would have nothing because her and her family have credit so bad they couldn't get anything else.

 

I do want to give her a chance and to continue with the payments and give her fair warning, but i'm eventually going to have to break NC to do that! My cell phone is still under her employee plan at verizon but i've been making payments.

 

This may end up getting real ugly before its completely over with.

Edited February 22, 2011 by fetish

[JrRos]

As a co-signer you provide a legal guarantee that whatever was borrow will be paid in full, including any penalties or interest that apply. So it looks like you might have to pony-up some cash. Sorry. This is why I always tell friends that consider helping others with credit stuff to include clauses in which you stipulate case-scenarios in which payment falls of the co-signer party.

[fetish]

As a co-signer you provide a legal guarantee that whatever was borrow will be paid in full, including any penalties or interest that apply. So it looks like you might have to pony-up some cash. Sorry. This is why I always tell friends that consider helping others with credit stuff to include clauses in which you stipulate case-scenarios in which payment falls of the co-signer party.

 

i already know this, but i don't want to pay for a car i'm not driving. I'm just trying to figure out how to get the car back if she defaults, but right now I'm still in deep pain from our break up and trying to keep up this N/C.

[JrRos]

i already know this, but i don't want to pay for a car i'm not driving. I'm just trying to figure out how to get the car back if she defaults, but right now I'm still in deep pain from our break up and trying to keep up this N/C.

 

Unless she releases the ownership of the vehicle in exchange of you making the payments... sorry to say, but you're screwed. If she doesn't signs property of the vehicle over to you, then you could pay and keep your credit score or not pay and f#&$ your credit.