Hard to not be angry sometimes

[debtman]

Got a call today about what time I was coming over to pick up the kids and she went happily on about the painting she was doing at her new rental home, the new beds and TV she got moved in, how great her business is doing, etc. and I just felt myself getting so angry about how happy she is about everything, how she thinks we're just great friends now, everything is great with OM and he is apparently making headway with his D.

 

I told her I was busy and had to get back to work and I got, "Are you mad about something, you seem kind of short with me?" And I wanted to go into how I hate seeing my kids a few days a week, how I hate the fact that OM spends more time with my kids than he does with his, how I hate the fact that I have to work even more now to pay child support, even though I have the kids about 1/3 of the time, how I hate the fact that she just dumped me out of her life without a second thought after 10 years and 2 kids with no consideration of anyone else...

 

But, I didn't and I smiled and said "I've got to get back to work, I'll see you at 4."

 

I just want there to be some repercussions for her or to hear some regret, but I know I need to let it go, let her go, let the bitterness go and keep moving on. I generally do pretty well, I'll have fun with the kids tonight, but some moments just really seem to bother me.

 

I know it will be easier when I get back into my house and will be even easier once the paperwork is signed and we're actually legally separated.

 

I won't feel the "obligation" to be as available and friendly to her and can pull back to just be there for the kids and let her start dealing with her own issues instead of hanging out and listening to her go on about her life.

 

[Duckduckgoose]

It sounds like she is using the 180 on you. She is telling you about how awesome her life is without you, while you are not so happy. Its none of your business what is going on in her life and she is only being a bitch by telling you those things.

 

She might be doing the "fake it till you make it thing" but I think the truth is she is fronting because she is really deep down hurt and confused. But she wants you to see how "awesome" she is now and how fast she's moved on. Its all a farce. Don't tell her anything about your life besides what directly involves the kids. She's just being a braggart and probably a liar. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if it was crashing and burning with OM already.

 

Don't be her friend, just co-parent your kids. If she wants to tell you how OMG famous she is, just cut her off politely and tell her you don't have time for chatting unless it involves your kids. If she really loves talking about herself then that will piss her off more than anything, AND it keeps you from having to hear how "great" she has it while you are still hurting.

 

You are under no obligation to be her friend, and for her to think that way and tell people that she is delusional.

 

And its okay to have anger towards your ex. I have anger towards a lot of things, which is one reason I am in counselling. My counselor told me that anger because of the betrayal of a spouse is a righteous anger and is not sinful. The way you handle that anger is what can make it sinful.

 

What are you doing, Debtman when this anger builds up in you? In my second counselling session my counselor made me list several things I would do when I got angry about my stbxH and his shenanigans. I write them down, here and in a journal, I get out and exercise (getting my muscles back that I lost when I lost 20ish pounds when he left) I get out with friends, etc. Having a way to relieve that anger is going to put you on better footing than her... all she can do is be a braggart and like I said earlier probably a liar too.

 

Somewhere else on LS I read that when dealing with an X believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.

 

TBH part of the reason I can give insight into this situation is because when I have to deal with mutual friends of my stbxH and I, I put up the "awesome" front. I don't let them know that when I got the D papers I felt like I had got hit by a car all over again. So her front is probably just that, a front.

[debtman]

thanks ddg, after the first few months of shock, I've been dealing with things pretty well. I've been getting back into my hobbies, making new friends, re-connecting with old ones, trying new hobbies and spending LOTS of quality time with my kids. The last few months have been getting easier and she's been going through all sorts of drama with OM, his wife and teen-age kids. I told her she doesn't have to share that all with me, but she keeps telling me she just wants me to know what's going on so I can keep an eye on our kids to make sure they're adjusting alright.

 

I was feeling very good about things a few weeks ago when she found this rental house, in the school district, and she told me I could move back into my house March 1 (and moving out of my parents house). Then, last weekend, she hit me with the fact that her new landlord was dragging his feet on getting the new carpet in, so, if it was alright with me, could she move out a week late, etc. and I just got hit again with the lack of control I have over the situation right now and it really started bothering me again.

 

But, it shouldn't. Even if she's happy right now, things won't work out with OM because she still hasn't addressed any of her issues that caused us problems, which are the same issues that caused her problems in her last marriage. She was my first marriage and I've come to grips with the problems that I have that helped our relationship get to the point it did and I won't let that happen again. I feel sorry for OM because I know what he will be going through in a few months/years. I feel sorry for her because she won't be happy, no matter how hard she tries to act like she is. Mostly, I feel sorry for the kids, because they're going to have to watch their mom go through this over and over if she doesn't ever get any help. But, all I can do is be the best influence in their lives that I can be, be as happy as I can and show them how fantastic life is.

 

Good advice on dealing with her. Part of me is being very careful to not offend her since she is (in large part) going to impact me financially and in my dealings with the kids for at least the next 2 years (until both kids are in school full-time and we can re-visit the custody/time-sharing again).

 

I'm also doing a fair amount of exercise, building up muscle to replace the 20 pounds I lost in the past 4 months.

 

I guess I'm lucky that we don't really have any "mutual friends" since most of her friends were my friends and even her friends and family don't understand her decision. She's basically thrown all of her eggs into the OM basket. Part of me hopes, for her sake, that it works out for them, but I just don't see that happening. She has a mean, controlling, stubborn streak that will eventually come out and, even her mother told me once "I don't know of any other man in the world that would be willing to put up with her."

 

Anyway, I had a fabulous night with the kids, let my anger towards her go and am looking forward to a wonderful week. She doesn't deserve the effort that it takes for me to be frustrated about her decisions. Not my problem anymore.

 

Thanks again for the perspective...

[Duckduckgoose]

You should have put her out on her ass about the house. She asked if she could have one more week. Should have told her no sorry that you already got the moving truck to get her crap out of there.

 

Have you considered warning the OM? Is he just unaware of her history or does he know full well what he is getting into? Anonymous email might work if you are concerned for him.

 

How do you let anger go? I never understood how some people could do that.

[debtman]

lol...yeah, part of me considered warning OM, but he left his wife and kids 9 months ago and she keeps fighting him on the separation, so, I think he'll end up getting what he deserves. Not that I would wish this on anyone, but, without him, I don't think she would have actually taken the last step to pull the plug on our relationship. She keeps telling me that it had nothing to do with him, but I know better. It takes a certain kind of person to do what he's done to my family, especially with him having just made the decisions he made to tear apart his own family, so, I'm fine with whatever happens to him.

 

As far as letting the anger go? I still have problems with it. I read a lot of Buddhist literature, I meditate, I spend as much time as I can with people that I love, doing things that I love and try to remind myself that every day I have here is too valuable to spend time being angry or resentful. Sometimes I do better than others.

 

I do owe her for showing me that I'm better off without her and that I deserve someone who really loves me and is really willing to work WITH me to be in a relationship that is really healthy and happy. I owe her a thank you for providing me the opportunity to show my kids what a happy and healthy relationship can be and to show them that the most important thing you can do is pursue what really makes you happy, regardless of what other people think.

 

I see her being so happy, so giving and so interested in OM and it just reminds me of how she was at the beginning of our relationship...and I remember how that faded and how unhappy, controlling and confrontational she became. I'm looking forward to the future...

[Duckduckgoose]

Then you've got your head screwed on right. There is a wimmin out there waiting for you who will be good to you back, when you are ready for her

 

wimmin=woman

 

Sometimes I feel myself slipping back into anger, then I just keep thinking of Bible verses that deal with fools and anger.

 

I like this one: "Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like him."

 

It pretty much says to be the bigger person. The book of Proverbs has a lot of good stuff in it.

 

I still got a ways to go with my anger and stuff, but I am getting better about it, I've made a lot of progress since I started counselling in early January.

 

Maybe your stbxW and her OM deserve each other. I've noticed that people who run from a good marriage are often just stupid as hell. No offense meant, but it's usually the truth.

[UnsureinSeattle]

Brother- you have EVERY RIGHT to be mad. I've read your story pretty much since it began, and I feel you've handled it about as well as could possibly be expected. It's "nice" that she wants to remain friendly with you, but that seems like a lot for her to simply assume that you want to hear about all of her "triumphs" and what not.

 

It sounds like you're already on the right path- concentrating on yourself. You know that her current manic deal is destined to fall to the wayside. You're doing great. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

[YellowShark]

First of all she is not a "friend." She cheated and ran into the arms of another man. Friends don't throw friends under buses. And good people don't cheat. So that's two BIG strikes against her.

 

Look at her now as an "enemy of the state," (which she really is.) Tell her you don't want to hear about how great her life is, nor anything about the OM anymore. All conversations should center around the kids, and the separation/divorce. Period. All the other stuff is irrelevant.

 

Be a stone wall to her, not a source for comfort and understanding. She lost that privilege when she ran into the arms of another. Move on, heal, be there 100% for the kids, and remember you cannot trust this woman nor do you need to listen to her "stories."

 

Best of luck.

[debtman]

Yep, lots of good quotes out there on dealing with anger, dealing with people who don't deserve you and dealing with the fact that life goes on.

 

Anger and jealousy are tricky things because they tend to jump out at you and bite you when you least expect. I had been feeling really good up until that phone call yesterday and it was just something in the tone of her voice that just started grating on me, making me realize how much I miss what I thought we had, how unfair her decisions were to me and the kids and how thoughtless and careless she's been with everyone else's feelings.

 

During the 10 years I've known her, she's always been the planner, the one who won't make snap decisions without knowing all the options and who is afraid of change and suddenly, she just changed. Changed her feelings, changed her decision making process, changed her entire life, mine and the kids...because OM put her up on a pedestal.

 

I'm mostly able to remind myself to feel sorry for her since she's still not going to find what she's looking for, because she needs to be confident and happy with herself before she can truly be confident and happy in a relationship with someone else, but, it's no longer my problem, so, I just have to focus on doing what I can to make sure her personality isn't visited on our kids and that they come out as confident, happy and self-assured as they can be.

 

Life is good...every moment is a gift. Without bad times, you wouldn't appreciate good times as much.

[What_Next]

Debtman, I don't blame you one single bit for being angry. In fact I'd hazard to say it is really healthy to explore it and put it away in a proper fashion. The one thing that resounds to me is that the old saying that "if they'll cheat WITH you then they'll cheat ON you". Sooner or later her and OM will either self destruct. Now that should not bring you really any comfort because as you close that chapter of your life your true reward will be living well.

 

You are under ZERO obligation to her, only in so far as co-parenting. I'd be gobsmacked to have had that conversation with her.

 

Good luck, keep posting and you will heal.

[Duckduckgoose]

What I am trying to figure out is how come so many people marry much better the second time? Where was that person before you married the first time? It would have saved getting a divorce and dealing with the trauma of it all.

[debtman]

First of all she is not a "friend." She cheated and ran into the arms of another man. Friends don't throw friends under buses. And good people don't cheat. So that's two BIG strikes against her.

 

Look at her now as an "enemy of the state," (which she really is.) Tell her you don't want to hear about how great her life is, nor anything about the OM anymore. All conversations should center around the kids, and the separation/divorce. Period. All the other stuff is irrelevant.

 

Be a stone wall to her, not a source for comfort and understanding. She lost that privilege when she ran into the arms of another. Move on, heal, be there 100% for the kids, and remember you cannot trust this woman nor do you need to listen to her "stories."

 

Best of luck.

 

Good advice YellowShark, I suppose it's a balance between the 180, not being rude about it (since I still want her to be considerate when making decisions regarding visitation and child support) and letting her know that I don't want to hear about her life anymore.

 

I wish I could just close her out of my life entirely, but, at least until she moves out of my house and we get the separation agreement signed, I'll continue to humor her. After that, I can go more NC/LC, block her on FB, and limit conversations to things that only relate to the kids. Although, she always justifies all of her conversations with me with "I just thought you should know so you can keep an eye on the kids" when they meet OM's kids, go see his house, she meets OM's wife, etc.

 

I meet with my lawyer tomorrow to go over the details of the agreement that we worked out with the mediator and he said there were some "very interesting" parts of the agreement that we need to work on, so I'm looking forward to getting his input.

 

Thanks for the advice...the more input, the better...

[debtman]

What I am trying to figure out is how come so many people marry much better the second time? Where was that person before you married the first time? It would have saved getting a divorce and dealing with the trauma of it all.

 

Good point. Although, she had been married before and, was actually in the process of getting divorced when I met her. I suppose that should have been my first warning bell, especially when I spoke with her brother-in-law and he told me that all the stories she told me about her horrible, mean ex weren't exactly how he had seen things.

 

WN, thanks for the advice and perspective. I sometimes go back and look through e-mails that we sent each other just a few weeks before everything blew up where she was telling me how much she loved me and, even a few days before when she was thanking me for being so understanding and trusting to let her go out to make new "friends" with this guy she had met. I had always told her to go find hobbies, activities and friends and to pursue things she was passionate about. I guess she finally took my advice. Apparently, she's passionate about people who are interested in her and will blow smoke up her a$$ about how great she is. Of course, that was my job for 10 years, which I did every day, and now I don't have to worry about her self-esteem anymore and can just focus on mine and my kids.

[Duckduckgoose]

I am going to steal one of Carhill's words.

 

Your exW had a very passionate hobby of "dickinsider". She likes to enjoy her hobby with OM often.

[YellowShark]

I sometimes go back and look through e-mails that we sent each other just a few weeks before everything blew up where she was telling me how much she loved me and, even a few days before when she was thanking me for being so understanding and trusting to let her go out to make new "friends" with this guy she had met.

 

Well add consumate actress to her resume. She doesn't sound like a person to be friends with, or trust entirely. Anyhow, I too have a lot of anger sometimes. And rightly so. My EX threw me under a bus too. I deserve to be angry, and when I am I remind myself who caused it. But it passes and I realize I don't need her validation.

 

The best part now debtman is she no longer *is* a priority. She no longer is a concern. You and the kids are. But wanna have a beer with the boys until 4am? No problem. Go out to a club? Sure. Hit the gym? Why not. Poker, Skiing, rock-climbing, biking, rollerblading? Anytime. Toilet seat up? Absolutely. It's your life now.

 

...and she may have dumped you for another man debtman, but she's dumped you into a huge pool of eligible women! Don't forget that.

[debtman]

Well add consumate actress to her resume. She doesn't sound like a person to be friends with, or trust entirely. Anyhow, I too have a lot of anger sometimes. And rightly so. My EX threw me under a bus too. I deserve to be angry, and when I am I remind myself who caused it. But it passes and I realize I don't need her validation.

 

The best part now debtman is she no longer *is* a priority. She no longer is a concern. You and the kids are. But wanna have a beer with the boys until 4am? No problem. Go out to a club? Sure. Hit the gym? Why not. Poker, Skiing, rock-climbing, biking, rollerblading? Anytime. Toilet seat up? Absolutely. It's your life now.

 

...and she may have dumped you for another man debtman, but she's dumped you into a huge pool of eligible women! Don't forget that.

 

Good point. And I'm enjoying my freedom...and, since she dumped me, I've been hit on and pursued by several women friends who tell me what catch I am, which is nice. Certainly not looking right now and wouldn't want to drag any woman into my current emotional roller coaster, but, it's only a matter of time before I feel ready to get back into that world. Until then, I'm looking forward to this spring, rock climbing, kayaking, skydiving, kite boarding, and all of my other hobbies that were put on hold for the past 5 years because she wasn't interested in any of that (after we got married) and felt I needed to spend more of my time validating our relationship.

 

She's moving into her isolated little rental house, OM will be over there when he's not spending time with his kids or doing any of his hobbies and they can talk about the things they would like to be out doing...instead of going out and doing them.

 

I'm just looking forward to getting back in my house, getting back to my life and bringing the kids along for the fun times!

[YellowShark]

I've been hit on and pursued by several women friends who tell me what catch I am, which is nice. Certainly not looking right now and wouldn't want to drag any woman into my current emotional roller coaster, but, it's only a matter of time before I feel ready to get back into that world.

 

I felt the same way at the beginning. Now I have women doing the same. There's a lot of eligible women out there. I am amazed at the sudden attention. So I have dusted off the guy my EX fell in love with and engage them. Been on some dates and had a blast.

 

Until then, I'm looking forward to this spring, rock climbing, kayaking, skydiving, kite boarding, and all of my other hobbies that were put on hold for the past 5 years because she wasn't interested in any of that (after we got married)

 

Yup. Do it. And when you meet a woman who also kayaks, rock climbs, etc... you'll forget all about the EX. Trust me.

 

She's moving into her isolated little rental house, OM will be over there when he's not spending time with his kids or doing any of his hobbies and they can talk about the things they would like to be out doing...instead of going out and doing them.

 

Not your problem anymore. Take a vacation from them in your mind.. and you move on with your life. It'll drive her nuts to see you evolve and be independent and happy. Meanwhile she's stuck in another relationship and has even more baggage to worry about now. HA!

[debtman]

Meanwhile she's stuck in another relationship and has even more baggage to worry about now. HA!

 

Bingo...right you are. Thanks for the hold I will need sometimes when I'm climbing up that anger/frustration wall.

[worldgonewrong]

debtman -

your head is really screwed on well, have to say.

A lesser man (ME!) would probably free-fall into depression from the things you're experiencing. The fact that you carry yourself with dignity and with a sense of the future really serves as inspiration to me.

This past week and a half has been tough as hell for me (riding the down part of the proverbial roller coaster), where you begin to feel sort of trapped and think, "Who's life is this? Certainly not mine!"

[debtman]

wgw,

 

I hear you and I certainly know EXACTLY what you're going through. There have been many posts on here that have helped me tremendously through those times. Six months ago, if someone had told me that I would be here now, I would have laughed at them and told them they were crazy. I knew my marriage wasn't ideal, but I certainly didn't think it was teetering on the edge of ending. Even when my W asked me to meet OM before she went out "biking" with him to make sure he wasn't a creep, I remember telling him that I was sorry he was getting divorced and that relationships were strange things and I had gone through some "ups and downs" with my W, but things seemed to be pretty good at that point. HA! Little did I know...

 

Anyway, a few things that helped out more than the usual going out and drinking with friends, trying new things, getting into old hobbies, enjoying my time with my kids, etc. were:

1) making a list of all the things my W did that made me crazy and I was going to be glad to not have to deal with EVER again!

2) this post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t258078/

3) reading other people's posts and hearing other stories about very spiteful Ds and realizing that things weren't so bad for me.

 

So, remember that this is a temporary situation, probably the lowest time in your life, especially considering that it's not a situation that you created or a decision you made...It WILL get better. Life is incredible and there are lots of amazing, wonderful, loving people out there that will be much better for you...

 

Keep posting!

[BlindRage]

Even when my W asked me to meet OM before she went out "biking" with him to make sure he wasn't a creep, I remember telling him that I was sorry he was getting divorced and that relationships were strange things and I had gone through some "ups and downs" with my W, but things seemed to be pretty good at that point. HA! Little did I know...

 

 

Things turn out really unexpected. Don't people feel guilt enough to back off these days anymore? Jeez.

[starting2wakeup]

she always justifies all of her conversations with me with "I just thought you should know so you can keep an eye on the kids"

 

You are absolutely right about this conversation ender. It is her way of justifying telling you anything she wants to and it's BS! If you haven't already, I would polity call her out on this. Let her know that you see what she is doing and that it's not working.

 

It almost sounds like she is deluding herself, that she has yet to accept that you are moving on. Or, she does see the personal progress you have made and does see that you are moving on and SHE CAN'T STAND IT.

 

Getting angry is healthy and normal. It's how you deal with it that can be tricky and you my friend are going about it the right away. Post your issues here and then move on. I would suggest that as you get closer to her moving out and you moving in, you may want/have to start being a bit more blunt with her. Not cruel, but she needs to hear the word "no" come out of your mouth when she is sure that you are going to respond "yes". I know this has shocked the Hell out of my W in the past few months. She was so used to hearing "yes" that anything but was a shock to her system.

 

Stay strong debtman.

[2.50 a gallon]

Before I got married, at least once a month I got out on an over night hike, and in the summer months combined it with trout fishing, and the future XW came with.

 

Before I got married I had a fantastic sex life, her motto was in where, in place, any time. She used her sexuality to convince me that we could do this all of the time if we got married.

 

Upon carrying her over the threshold my sex life died, no more kinky stuff, "I am you wife, not your XXXX"

 

We married over the holidays and as we moved into spring, I was informed that if was inapproprate for a married man to take off without his wife over the weekends. And she was no longer interested in hiking more than a mile

 

Summer came and we broke up, small wonder that I did no pursue, and try to win her back. I let the OM have her, his bad luck, let him deal with it.

 

Oh and my sex life came back with a roar. There are lots of divorced women out there looking for nice guys who get out do things other than hang around bars or are coach potatoes..

 

When you get ready you are going to be in for the time of your life.

 

Also, the second she found out that I had slept with somebody else, guess who did a 180 and wanted to reconcile. That was a tuff one, as part of me wanted to give it a shot.

[debtman]

I hear you. My W was NEVER into anything the least bit un-conventional. Esp. after we were married. I'm looking forward to many things, including a healthy sexual relationship with someone who isn't completely uptight and "traditional."

 

I've already had several divorcees come after me, which was encouraging, although not completely welcome at this point. In my mind (and legally), I'm still married and, even though my W thinks it's okay to cheat, I'm still committed to my M until it's legally dissolved. I didn't get married to cheat and, even though she is, I won't do it.

 

Thanks for the input. I'm looking forward to giving some "No's" to her and seeing how that affects her once she realizes that I'm no longer her friend or her doormat. I did that for long enough...it's the OM's turn now.

 

Thanks for the advice!

[Grr]

I'm still married and, even though my W thinks it's okay to cheat, I'm still committed to my M until it's legally dissolved. I didn't get married to cheat and, even though she is, I won't do it.

 

 

Amen to that, be the better person!

 

 

edit, you may gather from my lack of posts im a surfer atm, when i find the courage and the words i will share my story.