Hard to not be angry sometimes

[debtman]

Grr, always looking forward to hearing new stories and perspectives.

 

I got an email today from my W saying that she was "concerned" with my distance over the last week or so and wondered if I wanted to "talk about it with her" and open up to her.

 

She was wondering if it was because my brother just came up to visit and maybe he said something that made me angry with her, or maybe I'm nervous about her moving out of the house and into her own place.

 

She just can't comprehend that she completely derailed my life, our family and all the plans I had for my future...I can't ever forgive her for that. I don't want to be her friend anymore, she lost the right to have me "open up to her" when she betrayed me. If she wants someone to open up to her, she can look to OM for that.

 

She said "It seemed like the whole month of February that you and I were finally reaching a very comfortable, respectful and genuinely kind place with each other, and I was so happy for it. We were being so fantastic to each other, and the kids seemed really at ease with the way we were interacting with one another. What has happened over the last few days to cause you to back off and behave so differently with me? Your distance is notably obvious, and if it's being caused by something I have done, I wish you would tell me so I could fix it."

 

and I think I should just ignore it, not respond and not discuss it with her. I think it really has something to do with the fact that she will be moving out, I'll be moving back in. And now, all I need from her is for her to sign the papers and then, the only thing I need from her is information and consideration as far as the kids are concerned.

[worldgonewrong]

debtman-

I'm telling you what you already know, but...

wow. She's something.

Her demands never stop -- I demand another man, I demand seismic life shifts between us, and then I demand to still have some sort of intimate connection to your soul still.

Eff her.

[robf1971]

ignore it, .

 

Ignore, Ignore, Ignore, it's just a load of cr*p to justify her actions

[Duckduckgoose]

Ignore her, she left and therefore lost you.

 

You owe her nothing; no emotions, no talks, no updates on your life. Only thing you need to "discuss" is the kids.

 

"Your distance is notably obvious, and if it's being caused by something I have done, I wish you would tell me so I could fix it."

 

Yes, but its too late for that **** isn't it haha. She's probably going to try to use her "reaching out" to you and you ignoring it as a sign that you are a horrible person and try to smear your reputation. Man I will be so happy FOR you when you divorce this bitch.

 

LC her as much as possible. Dunno a good thing till its gone and Debtman is gone like yesterday.

[willowthewisp]

When she has signed those papers and only then, send an email back and cc it to her family friends and work collegues, simply write

 

"In response to your email below, you want to know what you have done that would justify my not wanting to talk to you or have you in my life anymore? You F***** another man and ruined our childrens lives, that's what, you deranged psycob****"

 

Then everyone will know the truth and she cannot use your silence as a way to get sympathy for herself.

 

You see a lot of c*** on these boards but your stbx is an absolute psychopath devoid of human emotion, trust me and BELIEVE that you are SO much better without this cow in your life.

[BlindRage]

"In response to your email below, you want to know what you have done that would justify my not wanting to talk to you or have you in my life anymore? You F***** another man and ruined our childrens lives, that's what, you deranged psycob****"

 

 

I don't think that would be the best reaction to when she signs those papers. I think if debtman reacted in this way it will satisfy her. What you need to do debtman is just sign it and nothing more. When you see her don't let her see pain in your eyes. Show joy only and don't bad mouth her to her family or friends, that will make you look extremely low. Once those papers are signed strict LC for kids ONLY. NOTHING else, not even the weather, nothing, nada. Turn your back on her completely once this is over and do it with your head held high and a positive look. Don't satisfy her, show her you're still a happy person even if its not with her.

[Distant78]

**** her. Just don't let her actions/words get to you. Only talk her crazy ass unless it has something to do with those kids. Let her be the new booty around town. She keeps on doing what she's doing and she'll get her karma. Don't worry about that. Focus on yourself for now until this crap is over.

[willowthewisp]

I don't think that would be the best reaction to when she signs those papers. I think if debtman reacted in this way it will satisfy her. What you need to do debtman is just sign it and nothing more. When you see her don't let her see pain in your eyes. Show joy only and don't bad mouth her to her family or friends, that will make you look extremely low. Once those papers are signed strict LC for kids ONLY. NOTHING else, not even the weather, nothing, nada. Turn your back on her completely once this is over and do it with your head held high and a positive look. Don't satisfy her, show her you're still a happy person even if its not with her.

 

Yeah, I used to think this way to. Two years down the line I have realised it makes no differnece to the walk aways life whether you are happy or sad, they carry on their sweet way and things turn out just fine and dandy for them. There is no karma. Those left struggle to get over the other persons betrayal and they carry on with their lives as happy as larry, don't kid yourself karma will bite them, it won't.

 

All you are doing by going NC and acting happy is letting them off the hook. That way they get to tell lies about you to everyone else, mutual friends will leave you as well, you will lose all your family (their side). If you give it to them, that will be wrong as well, but at least you will have had your say. Take it from someone two years on, I wish I had had my say back then instead of being a doormat, now I can't tell everyone the truth because it would make me look low, deranged etc, I can't tell you how frustrating it is NOT to be able to defend yourself.

[BlindRage]

Yeah, I used to think this way to. Two years down the line I have realised it makes no differnece to the walk aways life whether you are happy or sad, they carry on their sweet way and things turn out just fine and dandy for them. There is no karma. Those left struggle to get over the other persons betrayal and they carry on with their lives as happy as larry, don't kid yourself karma will bite them, it won't.

 

All you are doing by going NC and acting happy is letting them off the hook. That way they get to tell lies about you to everyone else, mutual friends will leave you as well, you will lose all your family (their side). If you give it to them, that will be wrong as well, but at least you will have had your say. Take it from someone two years on, I wish I had had my say back then instead of being a doormat, now I can't tell everyone the truth because it would make me look low, deranged etc, I can't tell you how frustrating it is NOT to be able to defend yourself.

 

 

I don't even believe in karma. Can I tell you why I said that? If I put myself in her position and dumped someone on their ass and after everything they bad mouth me.. I would laugh at them and get satisfaction. Thats how big of a jerk I am. I don't think this women is different. NC is NOT to "let them off the hook" as you put it. Its to show that you have education and just like them can live happily without the other. You're not being a doormat by doing it. You are showing class. Unlike the contrary, I would think a person lashing out at family and friends is a joke and deserved to get dumped. Defend yourself? From what?!?! From them talking like a douche bag talking trash about you? HA! I think its better to not make a fool out of yourself is an attempt of "defending yourself". It shows dignity, character, education, class, independence, strength, emotional stability, wisdom, positive attitude.. etc. etc by simply walking away (positive qualities by the way). Whatever he says to this women won't get her back. In fact all those characteristics I mentioned above will be the absolute opposite if he were to "defend" himself. If you'd like though, do defend yourself, and hopefully you'll be looked at in a positive manner after and won't regret everything you said once your head isn't clouded up.

Edited February 26, 2011 by BlindRage

[willowthewisp]

I don't even believe in karma. Can I tell you why I said that? If I put myself in her position and dumped someone on their ass and after everything they bad mouth me.. I would laugh at them and get satisfaction. Thats how big of a jerk I am. I don't think this women is different. NC is NOT to "let them off the hook" as you put it. Its to show that you have education and just like them can live happily without the other. You're not being a doormat by doing it. You are showing class. Unlike the contrary, I would think a person lashing out at family and friends is a joke and deserved to get dumped. Defend yourself? From what?!?! From them talking like a douche bag talking trash about you? HA! I think its better to not make a fool out of yourself is an attempt of "defending yourself". It shows dignity, character, education, class, independence, strength, emotional stability, positive attitude.. etc. etc by simply walking away (positive qualities by the way). Whatever he says to this women won't get her back. In fact all those characteristics I mentioned above will be the absolute opposite if he were to "defend" himself.

 

I see your point, I just can't put myself into her mindset because i would never treat anyone like that so I can't imagine being her or my ex for that matter. See the thing is though, you think you are walking away with dignity, with class and perhaps you are but at the same time perhaps you are seen as doormat. See? That's what I meant when I said you can't come out of this with your dignity intact either way. You're dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. If you have your say, your passed off as someone without class who deserves to be dumped, if you stay quiet, you're seen as a doormat (if they know the thruth) or worse, lies are told about your character and you are made out to be the bad guy. I hate injustice, I'm a lawyer by the way, I believe everyone should have the right to a defence. I never got mine and I regret it.

[BlindRage]

I see your point, I just can't put myself into her mindset because i would never treat anyone like that so I can't imagine being her or my ex for that matter. See the thing is though, you think you are walking away with dignity, with class and perhaps you are but at the same time perhaps you are seen as doormat. See? That's what I meant when I said you can't come out of this with your dignity intact either way. You're dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. If you have your say, your passed off as someone without class who deserves to be dumped, if you stay quiet, you're seen as a doormat (if they know the thruth) or worse, lies are told about your character and you are made out to be the bad guy. I hate injustice, I'm a lawyer by the way, I believe everyone should have the right to a defence. I never got mine and I regret it.

 

I too, also, see your point. What I also noticed was once he stopped responding to her and getting distant she freaked out. And I absolutely see that you can't win either way but... would you want to really talk bad and have that image about you? (think of the fact that there are kids involved). I don't think that would resolve anything but just enforce how she made the right decision. I tried to defend myself and I regret it more than anything in the whole world. I wish I could have gone back and said, "take care :)" and walk away. Now that girl has the worst image of me and now that I am moving on I regret it. I regret showing her that I was so dependent.

[Duckduckgoose]

I am taking the "walk away saying nothing" route. Its not easy that's for sure. Its almost guaranteed to make them hurt though if they have any shred of goodness in them or will get any goodness ever in their life.

 

It hurts like hell but rather it hurt a lot now then drag out the pain for several years.

[willowthewisp]

I too, also, see your point. What I also noticed was once he stopped responding to her and getting distant she freaked out. And I absolutely see that you can't win either way but... would you want to really talk bad and have that image about you? (think of the fact that there are kids involved). I don't think that would resolve anything but just enforce how she made the right decision. I tried to defend myself and I regret it more than anything in the whole world. I wish I could have gone back and said, "take care :)" and walk away. Now that girl has the worst image of me and now that I am moving on I regret it. I regret showing her that I was so dependent.

 

Ok I get that, but why would anyone think badly of him for saying politely then (I am having trouble not contacting my ex to blast him right now as I am very angry after turning it inwards for two years), so politely, that he doesn't want to speak to her anymore because she cheated on him? Why would anyone see that as making the right the decision? Perfectly normal not to want to be friendly with someone who thinks it's OK to cheat on their husband.

I am taking the "walk away saying nothing" route. Its not easy that's for sure. Its almost guaranteed to make them hurt though if they have any shred of goodness in them or will get any goodness ever in their life.

 

It hurts like hell but rather it hurt a lot now then drag out the pain for several years.

 

That's just it though Duck, they don't have a shred of goodness in them, it truely does not bother them and probably never will unless someone does it to them, like my IC said it's so much easier to blame the other person rather than to look at yourself. They will never look at themself until they have to.

[debtman]

Thanks for all the advice and opinions and, in many ways, you're all right. Much of it depends on the other person. I would love to blast her with how I really feel and what a b1tch she really is, but it would only make her mad and give her another reason to justify the divorce to herself. However, I know she's an extremely guilt-ridden and insecure person, even though she puts out a facade of self-confidence.

 

So, I'll just move on with my life and worry about my healing, which really has nothing to do with her. I know that nothing I say would have any impact on her right now. She's so "sure" of the decision she's made. However, a few years down the road, when things cool off with OM, when he gets some insight into her controlling and mean side and she's right back where she was with me, I know she'll have regrets, but she'll never admit to them.

 

The 180 is NOT easy. It's very difficult sometimes to even "act" like I'm happy when I'm around her. I just go so fed up with her fakeness sometimes when I'm picking up the kids I just want to grab them and get out. But, I don't, I listen to what she has to say about the kids, move to get their stuff collected, try to focus my attention on them and get out as soon as I can. Once I'm back in my house, have half their clothes, supplies and toys at my place, it will be much easier to do drop-offs and pick-ups. Plus, once the agreement is signed, it will be much clearer how finances get divided, how bills get split and how and when she gets her child support money.

 

She's already expressed some concern about my new lifestyle and I just told her I appreciated her "input" and was keeping the best interest of the kids in mind in my decision making. Not the words that first came to my mind, but I bit my tongue and reminded myself that I'm DONE expending energy on her. I won't fight with her anymore, about anything. She has no control over me anymore and no input on any aspect of my life that doesn't involve our kids.

 

willowthewisp, she still won't even admit that she cheated on me. She rationalizes it to herself that I had been moved out of the house for two weeks and knew the marriage was over, so, that made it alright for her to start sleeping with OM, who had been EA for the last three weeks we were living together. Even though he is still married as well. Just no point in trying to reason with someone who can convince themselves of something like that.

 

duckduckgoose, you're right, it does hurt like hell, but, the momentary relief that I would get from blasting her with the truth isn't worth listening to her argue with me about how "right" her decision was. She's not worth it. I have to remember that the person I was married to, the person I had planned to spend my life with, is not the same person anymore. She flicked a switch and now she's Hyde and Jekyll is gone. Her decision, her guilt, her choice...all I can do is react the best that I possibly can for myself and the kids. Been reading a lot of Buddhist quotes and literature, which sometimes helps.

 

Blindrage, absolutely, I'd rather not give her the satisfaction of thinking she made the right choice. She'll feel worse once she realizes that she lost a friend, one of her best friends, who really "got" her as she used to say...but she's no longer that person, so I'm no longer her friend. Plus, none of my friends would ever treat me the way she did, and, if they did, I wouldn't be friends with them anymore.

 

It also hurts to hear my kids talk about OM, to know that he's spending time with them that should be mine and, is probably spending more time with my kids than he does with his own. I suppose I should be happy that they seem to like him and he seems to treat them well. However, I feel bad that, a few years down the road, he may be removed from their lives as well once the relationship sours...I suppose all I can do is be there as much as I can and be as stable a point in their lives as possible...

[Distant78]

I suppose I should be happy that they seem to like him and he seems to treat them well.

 

You don't have to like it at all, even though legally you can't do nothing about it. Just make sure you have a baseball bat if he treats them wrong in any type of way or him and/or your wife is doing something they're not supposed to be doing around those kids.

[debtman]

You don't have to like it at all, even though legally you can't do nothing about it. Just make sure you have a baseball bat if he treats them wrong in any type of way or him and/or your wife is doing something they're not supposed to be doing around those kids.

 

I hear you, but, the first 3 weeks he was sleeping over at the house, the room that the bed was in was filled with pictures of me skydiving, rock climbing, shooting guns in the military, full-contact fighting, and my multiple black belts hanging on the wall, that I don't think he has any doubt of what I'm capable of should he EVER hurt my kids.