Can't handle it when he leaves on business

[Danielle]

Hello,

 

I am 24 years old and engaged and living with my fiance. We have a great relationship. We have so much fun together and he is so smart and funny. Of course, we have disagreements here and there but nothing beyond the norm. What I am so upset about is that I feel like I am not handling it well when he leaves for business. He just got a new job as a pharmaceutical sales rep, which is what I do also. It does not involve much long distance travel, except for training...which is what he is going through now. He will be gone a total of 7 weeks but spread out over the course of 3 mos. He has been gone a week so far and will be back on Friday. He will be gone again next month for one week. I feel so depressed when he leaves. I have never been depressed in my life. But since he left, I have lost weight and I have been crying for no reason and I feel hopelessly sad. It is hard to even go to work everyday. I tried to keep busy last week. I went shopping and out to eat with my friends, went to work, chatted on the phone and email. But nothing seemed to help. The whole time I am thinking about him. And as time goes on, it is getting worse. I did not even go to work today. I am OK when I talk to him at night but even then I still feel sad. I just feel like it is abnormal to let these negative feelings take over when he is gone. I am completely miserable. I am going to speak with a counselor tomorrow (for the first time ever! I am nervous!) What do you think is going on with me? This seems unhealthy. Is there anything I can do to make the other 5 weeks liveable? I am also thinking farther in the future. We are getting married and when he is promoted and has to travel on a regular basis, I need to find a way to deal with it and live my life in a normal way. Any advice anyone could give would be wonderfully appreciated. Thank you!

[Tony T]

You have serious abandonment issues, most likely from your childhood. If your parents divorced or one of them died when you were young or some other significant loved one passed on or move away, this is the effect it will have on you as an adult. You have a deepseated insecurity of some sort. Perhaps when you were young, you got lost for a period of time and could not find your parents. Perhaps you just have a natural sense of aloneness...I'm sorry you're not here for me to talk to. Whatever the root cause, you need to understand it and deal with it.

 

A relationship tainted with these kinds of insecurities is doomed to failure. Most men are not attracted to clingy type situations. But don't despair...with the right help and work on your part, you will be JUST FINE!!!

 

An addiction to a person is not healthy. Normal functioning adults are very comfortable alone and can handle the absense of a loved one if there are assurances they will return. As a matter of fact, some of the greatest marriages are those of airline pilots, stewardesses, travelling sales people and others who can look forward to those special times with their spouses and recurring honeymoons. No chance of ever getting tired of each other.

 

The fear and sadness you feel when your guy is away is not good. I urge you to enter into counselling to get at the root causes and to learn rational techniques for dealing with the issue. If your guy finds out how truly upset his absenses make you, he could possibly desire to reconsider marriage plans. No man wants to get involved in a situation that could ultimately be detrimental to his career. No man wants to leave the woman he loves each time knowing she is going to sink into anxiety and depression.

 

Find out why you have this addiction to him (not healthy) and find out why you are not comfortable with yourself alone. Get to the basis of your fears. Get to know yourself and be happy, like so many others, being alone to do your own thing. There are so many women who would DIE to be in your situation, to have the kind of space to develop themselves as unique individuals and to also enjoy the companionship of their beloved when he gets home.

 

I am so happy for you that you are so in love...but right now it is a more needy love than a healthy love. A highly qualified professional counsellor can help turn this around for you but it's going to take time.

[Danielle]

Thanks so much for your insight, Tony. You are right, I need to get to the root of this. I have not lost anyone and my parents are happily married, which makes me even more confused as to the cause of these feelings I am having. I will definitely talk about all of this with the counselor tomorrow. You have me thinking, in all of my relationships I have felt this way but never this degree of severity. I am glad I am getting help for this. You seem very wise, I wish I could speak with you! Thank you again for your help.

 

P.S. Are we allowed to exchange emails? Your email address must be in high demand!

You have serious abandonment issues, most likely from your childhood. If your parents divorced or one of them died when you were young or some other significant loved one passed on or move away, this is the effect it will have on you as an adult. You have a deepseated insecurity of some sort. Perhaps when you were young, you got lost for a period of time and could not find your parents. Perhaps you just have a natural sense of aloneness...I'm sorry you're not here for me to talk to. Whatever the root cause, you need to understand it and deal with it. A relationship tainted with these kinds of insecurities is doomed to failure. Most men are not attracted to clingy type situations. But don't despair...with the right help and work on your part, you will be JUST FINE!!! An addiction to a person is not healthy. Normal functioning adults are very comfortable alone and can handle the absense of a loved one if there are assurances they will return. As a matter of fact, some of the greatest marriages are those of airline pilots, stewardesses, travelling sales people and others who can look forward to those special times with their spouses and recurring honeymoons. No chance of ever getting tired of each other. The fear and sadness you feel when your guy is away is not good. I urge you to enter into counselling to get at the root causes and to learn rational techniques for dealing with the issue. If your guy finds out how truly upset his absenses make you, he could possibly desire to reconsider marriage plans. No man wants to get involved in a situation that could ultimately be detrimental to his career. No man wants to leave the woman he loves each time knowing she is going to sink into anxiety and depression. Find out why you have this addiction to him (not healthy) and find out why you are not comfortable with yourself alone. Get to the basis of your fears. Get to know yourself and be happy, like so many others, being alone to do your own thing. There are so many women who would DIE to be in your situation, to have the kind of space to develop themselves as unique individuals and to also enjoy the companionship of their beloved when he gets home. I am so happy for you that you are so in love...but right now it is a more needy love than a healthy love. A highly qualified professional counsellor can help turn this around for you but it's going to take time.

[Tony T]

If you care to keep me informed, you may Email me at:

 

<e-mail address removed>

 

I always answer my mail, sometimes right away, sometimes after a day or so.

 

I still think there is something that happened to you in the past to make you feel so insecure when your guy leaves. You sould like you had a really normal family life so maybe you lost your parents when you were very small, in a store or something, or perhaps you were hospitalized as an infant. There are just so many things that could cause this.

 

Then again, you could just be very insecure about this guy for some reason. A certain amount of concern about a loved one away is normal. But an excess of insecurity is not good.

 

You might even try seeing an ehtical, medical hypnotherapist who can help you to get in touch with what is causing this insecurity and to help you deal with it. Hypnosis by someone who is highly qualified is often a very expeditious way of reprogramming our subconscious mind and modifying unwanted behaviors.