Are most cheaters sociopaths?

[OWoman]

I think that "narcissist" would be a better description

 

The BW in my triangle was the narcissist, and the WS was a co-narcissist.

 

Fortunately, co-narcissists can be helped through IC. Narcissists have a less optimistic prognosis

[East7]

I don't think most of the cheaters are sociopaths, as most of them feel remorse and guilt.

 

Cheaters are just cake-eaters, period. They can have a healthy relationship or marriage, still looking for diversity with no intention of leaving their marriage. Interesting, during the DDay they systematically choose their spouse because they never intended to leave. I daresay, most of the cheaters love the marriage but they hate being married to someone

 

Cheaters are often very self-centered, most of the time they are the dominator in the marriage, they are what is called TAKERS, they are the one who benefit the most of attentions and have all their caprices achieved. They always put their needs and emotions on top of their partners (BS/AP) needs and emotions. All their actions are guided by their most selfish needs.

 

People who cheat it is because they want it all ! They want to have the benefit of 2 statuses : committed in R and single status.

[Distant78]

The BW in my triangle was the narcissist

 

Oh right. She was a narcissist because she was cheated on.

[Untouchable_Fire]

When you think about it there really is no reason to be a cheater. Whatever kind of arrangement a person wants they can find somebody out there that wants the same and the internet has made it even easier. If a persons wants monogamy they can find somebody wants the same and ditto for polyamory or FWB or just a plain old one night stand. You can have whatever kind of thing you want and still be honest about it so why still cheat?

I honestly think that some people get off on the lying, dishonesty and sneaking around. They find it exciting. If a person gets kicks off of treating a person like that then in my book they are a sociopath.

 

I don't think most people go into a relationship expecting to cheat. I don't think being a cheat requires being a sociopath.

 

In my experience not cheating is about internal controls and less about external situations. With men, some guys have that internal control and just wont cheat, some guys don't have that control, but just never get an opportunity to cheat. When men do cheat it's their responsibility whether they want to accept that or not.

 

Women seem to rarely have internal controls, it's primarily external. If the relationship is bad they cheat, if the situation is bad they cheat.... ect. It's the reason most women don't take responsibility for cheating. It's always the BF or Husbands fault... rarely is blame assigned to the female. Of course this is radically different in other countries.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't think most people go into a relationship expecting to cheat. I don't think being a cheat requires being a sociopath.

 

In my experience not cheating is about internal controls and less about external situations. With men, some guys have that internal control and just wont cheat, some guys don't have that control, but just never get an opportunity to cheat. When men do cheat it's their responsibility whether they want to accept that or not.

 

Women seem to rarely have internal controls, it's primarily external. If the relationship is bad they cheat, if the situation is bad they cheat.... ect. It's the reason most women don't take responsibility for cheating. It's always the BF or Husbands fault... rarely is blame assigned to the female. Of course this is radically different in other countries.

 

 

Here we go again with the wide ranging generalizations about women and their lack of something. There are azzhole women, there are azzhole men. There women with no internal self control, there are women with internal self control. There are women who blame their husbands for everything that goes wrong in their lives and their are women who don't blame their husbands but blame everyone else on the planet and their are women who own all their actions...as are their some men who do all these things. Unless a woman is raped, her legs are very rarely pried open by the person they are cheating with. My marriage was not great, I was abused, I abused. He cheated for years...why didn't I cheat? Because then according to your terms I am abnormal. Sheesh:sick:

[blissfullyoblivious]

I understand that cheaters are very self-centred.

However, it is quite an extraordinary leap to conclude that cheaters have a mental illness!

They may hurt their BS as collateral damage rather than through malice.

When they are aware of the BS's hurt( say after a dday) and continue to cheat it is because there are no risks involved.

Show a cheater a consequence that they do not want to face and the cheating ends.

When the BS chooses to blame the OP/affair fog/themselves rather than the WS the message (that is received by WS) is that making nice for a while is all that it takes to move on. Yes, saying all the right things is easier than leaving the marital home.

[YellowShark]

I have a simplistic view. I feel people cheat - (men or women) - because they lack integrity and character. They are simply very selfish individuals. That's really it. It takes a lot of thought, energy, and actions to maintain an affair, you just don't trip and fall on top of another person.

 

So IMHO cheaters are generally ego-centric individuals who just don't care about anyone else ultimately. It's what the OM/OW can do for them, and what the BS isn't doing for them. It's never really about anyone else but them - the cheater.

 

Sociopathic, Narcissistic, whatever the label... ultimately it's all about the cheater, and their own sense of entitlement.

Edited February 22, 2011 by YellowShark

[Distant78]

However it is quite an extraordinary leap to conclude that cheaters have a mental illness!

 

No it's not a big leap. Someone who cheats has serious issues.

 

They may hurt their BS as collateral damage rather than through malice.

 

No may about it. They know what they're doing is wrong, and still continue to do it. They do it to purposely hurt their mate and they get off on doing it.

 

When they are aware of the BS's hurt( say after a dday) and continue to cheat it is because there are no risks involved.

 

What do you mean there are no risks involved? You're gambling with other people's lives including your own!

 

Show a cheater a consequence that they do not want to face and the cheating ends.

 

Can't make cheaters stop cheating. They can only do it themselves.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Here we go again with the wide ranging generalizations about women and their lack of something. There are azzhole women, there are azzhole men. There women with no internal self control, there are women with internal self control. There are women who blame their husbands for everything that goes wrong in their lives and their are women who don't blame their husbands but blame everyone else on the planet and their are women who own all their actions...as are their some men who do all these things. Unless a woman is raped, her legs are very rarely pried open by the person they are cheating with. My marriage was not great, I was abused, I abused. He cheated for years...why didn't I cheat? Because then according to your terms I am abnormal. Sheesh:sick:

 

Hahah... I would call you abnormal, but definitely in a good way.

 

I wasn't really talking about women blaming their husbands so much as everyone else blaming their husbands too. Just read some threads and you will see this in very strong effect.

 

Cheaters naturally tend to shift blame both male and female... it's part of their ego centric behavior pattern.

[UnsureinSeattle]

Sociopath is a little... strong, I think. I would guess that most cheaters are selfish and weak. Now, your predatory, serial type cheaters are something else entirely.

[bentnotbroken]

Hahah... I would call you abnormal, but definitely in a good way.

 

I wasn't really talking about women blaming their husbands so much as everyone else blaming their husbands too. Just read some threads and you will see this in very strong effect.

 

Cheaters naturally tend to shift blame both male and female... it's part of their ego centric behavior pattern.

 

 

Okay, I understand where you are coming from. It could be that most of those outside the marriage blame the husband, I just don't know. I think reading the threads around here might seem that way because of the experiences of those posting(cheated/cheated on/family of cheater/AP). But the ego centric behavior is central to the ability to get to the point anyway IMO.

[StoneCold]

Let me ask you all a question....

 

What is it that tells you that the "cheat"/"cheater" is the only "wrong" in a situation?

[bentnotbroken]

Let me ask you all a question....

 

What is it that tells you that the "cheat"/"cheater" is the only "wrong" in a situation?

 

 

My perspective is it takes two to cause problems in a marriage. Whether those problems are active as in abuse or passive like neglect or just being self involved. Those are the things that erode love. But the situation of marriage in my view is different than the situations of how people handle those problems. If one chooses to cheat that is a situation that one person chose the other had no say so. It would be the same if one chose to handle the problems by doing drugs or alcohol. Only one person makes the choice to ingest. Marriage involve two imperfect people. They are going to screw up. But there are deal breakers for everyone. Cheating is a deal breaker for a lot of people. For others abuse is it. Still others not being gainfully employed or overweight. It is where your standard is.

[StoneCold]

If one chooses to cheat that is a situation that one person chose the other had no say so. It would be the same if one chose to handle the problems by doing drugs or alcohol. Only one person makes the choice to ingest.

 

Fair....

 

But wouldnt you say that that really applies to just about any problem causing issue within a marriage? I mean thats why theres a problem right? One person made a decision despite what the other has to say or feel about it...

 

- One person decides to forego sex (common)

- One person decides to make major financial decisions without the other (common)

- One person decides to shun/reject the other for whatever reason and refuses to let the other person know whats up. (common)

 

 

and thats my point. It seems like people here make the cheater out to be the devil and the one cheated on could do no wrong. Maybe the one that was cheated on did their own fair share of questionable behaviour...How do you feel sorry for this person....how are they the "victim"? Yeah the person that cheated did something reprehensible..but so did the other person. Does it make it "right"?... no...but thats life...thats people...in the end of the day...when push comes to shove...when the **** hits the fan... people look out for their own neck.

 

Thats everyone on this thread....in some way shape or form.

 

its a mad world

[confusedinkansas]

.........

If that person thinks it's no biggie ( or that they aren't going to divorce, they are going to work it out - whatever there is to work out ).....Then they are neither serial cheaters, psychopath, narcissistic - or any other term someone wants to pull out of their shrink's book.

 

If the partner that thinks it's a huge deal & wants to "Label" their cheating partner because it makes them feel better...Well I guess they could call them anything & any name in the book - If they wanna!!!

However, seems kinda silly to me to carry that around with you - Just get a divorce, call it a day & move on.

 

And I agree....There is an awful lot of GENERALIZATION going on in this thread.

 

What is it that tells you that the "cheat"/"cheater" is the only "wrong" in a situation?

EXACTLY...........The cheater is NOT always the ONLY person that is WRONG when cheating happens.

[jlola]

I

Cheaters are just cake-eaters, period. They can have a healthy relationship or marriage, still looking for diversity with no intention of leaving their marriage. Interesting, during the DDay they systematically choose their spouse because they never intended to leave. I daresay, most of the cheaters love the marriage but they hate being married to someone

 

Cheaters are often very self-centered, most of the time they are the dominator in the marriage, they are what is called TAKERS, they are the one who benefit the most of attentions and have all their caprices achieved. They always put their needs and emotions on top of their partners (BS/AP) needs and emotions. All their actions are guided by their most selfish needs.

 

People who cheat it is because they want it all ! They want to have the benefit of 2 statuses : committed in R and single status.

 

 

So what happens when two Married cheaters finally get together. Being they are both takers,selfish,immature and disrespectful??

 

My "normal" sister:) and her husband are very culturally closed in and therefore almost all of their friends and acquaintances are people from our culture. affairs and cheating are the norm.(I would say especially with the men, but who are the men cheating with? women with husbands or boyfriends).

 

Anyway, she was telling me a story of a cheating couple who left their spouses for each other. After 4 years of marriage the woman is having an affair. Wow! What a surprise.

 

She also told me of a few married aunts who had affairs back in the day(my mother told her privately). One got pregnant by affair partner and had to have an abortion. Let me tell you which of the aunts had the affairs. The ones with the nicest husbands. The ones who I always thought to be selfish. My aunts with the a**whole husbands were the faithful ones. My mother who was getting none of her needs met by my cheating father never had an affair.

 

Not to brag, but my mother was physically one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen.Long thick wavy dark brown hair to her waist(my father would not allow her to cut it),olive skin,slender perfect figure,even after 3 children,5'6" tall. In my youth just walking down the street with her would draw lots of attention. She had a gazillion oppurtunities to upgrade to men who would have treated her better,very highly educated but never went there. She should have. BUT only if she was willing to end the marriage which she foolishly did not.

 

 

I think most people who have affairs have above average naricissitic tendencies. it's all about THEM!!! takers onkly want what they cannot have.

[jlola]

I am so sick and tired of hearing peopel talk bad about BS and how unhappy Ws may be in tyhe marriage.

 

If you are soooooo unhappy in the marriage LEAVE!! THere is the door and ther eis no law to stop you.!!!

 

People using the kids or finance as an excuse are cowards. I was 10 years old the first time I told my mother to leave my father. We all told her to leave him. She CHOSE to stay. But never cheated.

 

But she chose her misery. I have heard my father complain about mother and their marriage. As an adult I got sick and tired of hearing it. I would tell him why does he not up and leave? But he would give reasons to make himself a martyr. But he is no martyr. He just likes living with the fantasy of his affairs. He gets the security of showing people he has a good wife. And the romance/fantasy his young affair partners allow. Cake eater.

 

Also with his greed, thinking my mother may die first, he wants to get his share of the lifestyle she helped him create if anything happens to her. He wants it ALL. Yep, most cheaters are takers.

 

Tell me again why they cannot leave the marriage. Children?Finances? Really. If he cared so much about spending time with his kids he would have no time to spend with his affair partner. He will probably spend more time with his kids after divorce having them very weekend and actually having to spend time with them.

 

Oh,he can't afford the child support? Well, I am sure his affair partner has a job and as love will conquer all, why can they now not pool their money together? So financially as a couple the affair love birds are financially better off then athe spouse they left.

 

Please tell me why affair person cannot divorce. I have yet to hear a valid excuse from the prisoner so unhappy in a marriage that they cannot leave.

[BB07]

My mother who was getting none of her needs met by my cheating father never had an affair.

 

Not to brag, but my mother was physically one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen.Long thick wavy dark brown hair to her waist(my father would not allow her to cut it),olive skin,slender perfect figure,even after 3 children,5'6" tall. In my youth just walking down the street with her would draw lots of attention. She had a gazillion oppurtunities to upgrade to men who would have treated her better,very highly educated but never went there. She should have. BUT only if she was willing to end the marriage which she foolishly did not.

 

Why did your mother stay with such an abusive man?

[Distant78]

Let me ask you all a question....

 

What is it that tells you that the "cheat"/"cheater" is the only "wrong" in a situation?

 

I mean we can go on and on about the reasons but in a nut you're messing with people's lives and putting them at risk for a quite painful death (STDs). Other marital problems can be dealt with counseling, separation, or divorce.

 

Now let me ask you a few questions.....

 

How is screwing someone else going to solve your issues at home with your spouse?

 

How is having sex with your spouse's sibling and getting them pregnant going to solve your marriage?

 

How is cheating for years at a time going to solve anything?

[donnamaybe]

EXACTLY...........The cheater is NOT always the ONLY person that is WRONG when cheating happens.

Right. There is the AP, after all.

 

There may have been other "wrongs" in the M, but the ONLY people "wrong when cheating happens" are the two people involved in the cheating.

[Distant78]

If the partner that thinks it's a huge deal & wants to "Label" their cheating partner because it makes them feel better...Well I guess they could call them anything & any name in the book - If they wanna!!!

 

It's not about calling them names to make them feel better. It's called being angry because you decide to screw someone else, while lying in their spouse's face about it.

 

However, seems kinda silly to me to carry that around with you - Just get a divorce, call it a day & move on.

 

Carry what exactly? But you're right, instead of being immature and running off and putting people's lives at risk, just divorce and move on.

 

And I agree....There is an awful lot of GENERALIZATION going on in this thread.

 

You got that right.

 

 

EXACTLY...........The cheater is NOT always the ONLY person that is WRONG when cheating happens.

 

Uh yes they are. Know why (well I'm sure you already do)? Because they're the ones who wanted to cheat and did so. No one made them do it.

[confusedinkansas]

Please tell me why affair person cannot divorce. I have yet to hear a valid excuse from the prisoner so unhappy in a marriage that they cannot leave.

 

I'm guessing this is probably just a rhetorical question.

 

However, There are many many many reasons (or excuses - depending on how you want to look at it)

Those that have cheated (like myself) have our reasons for doing what we did. Those that choose to be serial cheaters - have their reasons too.

Doesn't make it right, doesn't make it wrong.......it just is what it is.

 

No answer would suffice even if someone choose to answer it.

 

There may have been other "wrongs" in the M, but the ONLY people "wrong when cheating happens" are the two people involved in the cheating.

Because every scenario (marriage or any other relationship) out there is different - I totally disagree with this statement. Just my opinion.

[Distant78]

Right. There is the AP, after all.

 

There may have been other "wrongs" in the M, but the ONLY people "wrong when cheating happens" are the two people involved in the cheating.

 

And cheaters rewrite marital history anyway so why should we even believe their whining in the first place. Making up things that never even happened.

[Distant78]

However, There are many many many reasons (or excuses - depending on how you want to look at it)

Those that have cheated (like myself) have our reasons for doing what we did. Those that choose to be serial cheaters - have their reasons too.

Doesn't make it right, doesn't make it wrong.......it just is what it is.

 

No there are no reasons. Only one: Cheaters cheated because they wanted to, not because of marital issues.

 

No answer would suffice even if someone choose to answer it.

 

And cheating because someone couldn't spend time with their spouse because he works in the Armed Forces wouldn't suffice either.

 

Because every scenario (marriage or any other relationship) out there is different - I totally disagree with this statement. Just my opinion.

 

Yea you're right. Every cheating situation is different, but the outcome is the same.

[donnamaybe]

Because every scenario (marriage or any other relationship) out there is different - I totally disagree with this statement. Just my opinion.

Well, I suppose there could be a situation where a guy's pants fell off and he tripped and stumbled and landed on top of a woman with her pants off...

 

Cheating is never right. Leaving a bad marriage could most definitely be right. Having a discussion with your spouse about your unhappiness could most definitely be right.

 

Skulking away to sneak around and f someone behind your spouse's back? NEVER right.