are my parents abusing me?

[zanna]

-My parents are the all American, sober, country-club, wealthy, politicans.

-I am an only child and turning 16 in 2 days.

-I am extremely attractive - long blonde hair, blue eyes, feminine features..

-I am 5'6" and 130 pounds.

-I currently have a 3.4 GPA at duPont Manual High School (16th best public high school in America). Last semester and freshman year I had a 3.0.

-I've been playing Varsity lacrosse since feshman year and Varsity field hockey this year. (my parents pay for my sports)

-I have 3 really close friends: Jessica, Kassie, and Johnny. Jessica is an attention-craving 16 year old girl who is dating a 19 year old. Kassie is also immature. Johnny is 2 years older than I am, 17; we have been dating since January 2003. - we see eachother once a week.

-I'm not intellectually curious and would rather be on the phone with Johnny or on the computer than studying.

-I am somewhat of a "grunge" "goth", yet have an extremely spunky attitude.

 

With all this said, my dad is constantly insulting me. He says I am...

-"fat".

-"caught in a rut."

-"without friends". He claims that my friendships are being restricted by Johnny. Ex. Johnny comes to my lacrosse games to support me. Dad says that my teammates feel threatend by him being there and therefore won't approach me.

-"waisting intelligence". He calls a 3.4 GPA bad.

-"without passion". (besides wanting to see Johnny all the time)

-"a failure at life".

-"immature." My psychiatrist said that I was mature for my age. My dad also called her a witchdoctor and wouldn't allow me to see her after our first session.

-"ungrateful". Dad wouldn't open my present I got him for Christmas. He tried to burn it in the fire but I snatched it back from him. I always say thank you when my parents do something nice or go out of their way for me.

-"spoiled". I had to buy my own food for 2 weeks over the summer. I buy all of my clothes.

-"disrespectful". All adults like me. I went to cotillion for 3 years and learned very good manors.

 

I was told that if I kept my belongings cleaned up and my grades up I could have more freedoms.

These freedoms included:

-riding with other teenage drivers that have been driving for over 6 months.

-going to prom with my boyfriend.

-getting my cell phone back (he took my last 2 because I talked too much).

-keeping my car (my dad bought a new car and gave me his old one).

-going out at night.

 

Throughout highschool I have battled my share of depression. Last year I started:

-cutting my hips, arms, and wrists. Johnny made me stop.

-drinking. Johnny made me stop.

-smoking. Johnny made me stop.

It seems that Johnny is the only thing that is keeping me sane. Still, he is the one thing that my parents want me to get rid of.

 

Last night I was going on a double date to LazerBlaze (Lazer Tag). I was suppose to meet my friends there at 6:00. My dad said that he would swing by the house at 5:45 to take me, since I'm still not allowed to ride with my friends in their cars. Come 6:10, I called him on his cell phone to see if he was on his way. He was at the country club playing backgammon with his friends and said he would step out shortly. He came home around 6:25ish and we were driving down our street when he rants about how I'm so spoiled and he shouldn't have inconvenienced himself by taking me, that he should still be with his friends. Then he asked me if I thought I was spoiled. I said no, because I honestly don't think I am. He slammed on the breaks and went back to our house. He then told me to get out of the "F-ing car", that he was going back to the country club, and that I wasn't going to get anything for my birthday (in 2 days). My friends came by the house to see where I was and found me crying my eyes out. They tried to get me to get in the car with them and go out anyway, but I refused.

 

My friends and their parents all agree that I do not deserve how my parents treat me. Several of my friends (including Johnny) are contemplating calling child protection services but I really don't want them to.

 

Any advice?

Is this normal?

Is this considered abuse?

[average guy]

Hi

 

Abuse takes many forms - psycoligical, emotional, physical, sexual, etc. and it does sound like your father is at least being verbally abuse towards you. This could be for many reasons. He may be unhappy and anrgy at himself or his life and taking it out on you, or you could be genuinly upsetting or making him angry somehow (try and be honest about your behaviour as well as his) or you may not just fit into his image of what his daughter should be (sounds the most likely).

 

I would highyl recommend that you see a therapist (even the scholl counselour) or your family doctor to discuss your situation in detail before you or your friends take any action such as calling the police or social services. (I almost called the police on my father once to stop him beating my mother, but I knew - the was 30 years ago before police had special family services training etc. - that they would just have told him to relax and then left, and I honeslty think he would have intentionaly killed me (he had a gun he used to threaten me with) or just go overboard and beat me beyond help). You need to have the support of friends (which you are very lucky to have:) but also a trained therapist and/or doctor to help you through this.

 

Please go and see a therapist or counselour. I thiink you will be amazed at the help they can offer you. It is different from talking to your firends and I'm sure it will make a world of differnce to you and you will be thankful for having gone in the future.

 

Good luck, and take care of yourself!

 

A.G.

[Darkangelism]

I dont think they are abusing you, i think they are just overbearing, a 3.4 is bad if you can do better, i wouldnt worry about it, ina few years you go to college.

[dyermaker]

Good god, yes that's abuse--he's psychologically terrorizing you, in order to keep you down. It's a form of control, as kids grow older, they respond less well to parental control, and it sounds like he's not adapting well to it.

[Darkangelism]

ok i didnt notice the burning of christmas presents, yeah thats bad, so i say yes now.

[ladyangel]

Originally posted by Darkangelism

ok i didnt notice the burning of christmas presents, yeah thats bad, so i say yes now.

Oh please, DA, get a mind of your own.

[sportsloving]

But also aren't you the one who posted because you wanted us to tell you that your parents were mean for letting you ride in the cars with your friends? I am not going to step in this puddle, if YOU feel you are being abused, YOU should call the child protection services.

 

I am not trying to be mean or judgemental, but I do realize that there are two sides to every story and sometimes teenagers think their parents are unreasonable. I remember the days well, almost too well I thinks.

 

I wonder alot of things of this situation, and the only person who knows the full scoop is you... if you sincerely feel that your parents (father) are being overly inappropriate to you, there are many places you can call and many who will help.

 

I wish you tons of luck~

[Darkangelism]

Originally posted by ladyangel

 

Oh please, DA, get a mind of your own.

 

 

I have gone toe to toe with the best of them on the forum, so i have no problem with speaking my mind, so if you have something to say, then say it.

[moimeme]

It sounds as though your dad has big problems of his own. He's got anger troubles and doesn't manage them well. Definitely speak to a school counsellor to learn how to cope in such a situation.

[zanna]

Originally posted by sportsloving

But also aren't you the one who posted because you wanted us to tell you that your parents were mean for letting you ride in the cars with your friends?

 

i was upset because my parents would NOT let me ride in cars with my friends

[sportsloving]

I apologize for not getting the NOT in there.

[jmargel]

Originally posted by Darkangelism

I dont think they are abusing you, i think they are just overbearing, a 3.4 is bad if you can do better, i wouldnt worry about it, ina few years you go to college.

 

You realize a 4.0 is perfect. She is pulling like a 95%. I'd say that is VERY good.

 

He is emotionally, verbally and possibly down the road physical abuse. Cutting yourself is a form of depression. Its a way for you to make you 'feel' something. You've become numb to alot of things due to the abuse over the years. If he refuses for you to see that therapist, you need to goto your school councilor and talk about your options. Child protection probably won't do much unless physical abuse is involved. How is your mom? Is she the same way? Do you have any other family members you can talk to?

 

Sounds like your dad wants control over you. Most people in high positions like politics, etc.. have that mentality. His priorities are screwed up, but no matter what you try to do he needs to find that out himself. It'll take him losing you to finally realize what he's been doing. Even then some people are so ignorant and self-absorbed that they will still think none of it is their fault.

 

If you can, try to get out of that household to at least live with another family member. You can also goto the courts to ask that his parental rights are removed. Being your age there is a good chance they might allow you to do this. From now on start writing down the date, time and the things he says and does to you. Hang in there, you're a great person

[Guest]

You realize a 4.0 is perfect. She is pulling like a 95%. I'd say that is VERY good.

 

Actually, it's 85%. And if the spelling in her post is any indication, a little more time with the books couldn't hurt.

 

But, as DA says, it all comes down to what she's capable of and what the standard is.

 

Yes, it sounds as though her dad could stand to improve his parenting skills. On the other hand, he sees his daughter pretty much wasting her life away. By her own words, she's not intellectually curious and not passionate about anything except her 2 years older bf, talking on her cell phone and having her own car back (it takes a lot of gall to complain that your dad didn't give you a new car!). Her response has been to cut herself (definitely a sign that she needs psychiatric help), drink and smoke.

 

Of the two, I think the daughter has far more to work on.

[jmargel]

Who are you to judge a person by what grades they pull? For your info, my HS days I maintained a C average. I then proved myself to a very well respected university and graduated with a double major.

 

Some people such as yourself judge success on what kind of education, job or how much money you make. After myself being in a high level position my definition of success is how happy you are. I would MUCH rather be making minimum wage doing something I love then being in some stupid corporate ladder being someone's ass kisser making lots of money.

 

She sounds like she has a kind heart and what her dad is doing is abuse. She got his OLD car, in which you make it seem like she's a spoiled brat. I don't think she cares as much about the car and the phone as much as the conditional love she is receiving from her dad.

 

She needs a way to cope with this, not someone telling her she is more of a problem than he is. Apparently 'guest' you have the same mentality as her dad. Learn to have compassion.

[Darkangelism]

but jmargel was a C average what you were capable of? I had a 3.1 in HS but i could have had a 3.7 if i had applied myself. She could be capable of having a 4.0 and should be striving for that not saying, i am doing good enough.

[IHaTeMe]

 

Emotional abuse can be difficult to pin down because there are no physical signs to look for. Sure, people yell at each other, express anger, and call each other names sometimes, and expressing anger can sometimes be healthy. But emotional abuse generally occurs when the yelling and anger go too far or when a parent constantly belittles, threatens, or dismisses a child until the child's self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. And just like physical abuse can cause physical scars, emotional abuse can bring about emotional damage.

How does your mother feel 'bout this? Does she even know?

 

 

good luck zanna

for more information on abuse go to this website

http://www.cyberparent.com/abuse

[jmargel]

Originally posted by Darkangelism

but jmargel was a C average what you were capable of? I had a 3.1 in HS but i could have had a 3.7 if i had applied myself. She could be capable of having a 4.0 and should be striving for that not saying, i am doing good enough.

 

Oh I was capable of more, but just didn't put my heart into it. But with in regards to her problem she will never be good enough for him. Even if she did get 4.0 he'll find something else to complain about. If she got into Yale he'll be asking her why didn't you get into Harvard?

 

It's a conditional love that he is showing her right now and its something no teenager should have to go through. During that time a person is going through enough changes as it is.

 

She needs the counciling but also has to accept he has alot of faults. He needs to wake up and be responsible for his actions as well. When you try to keep complete control over someone you end up losing all control and that person.

[zanna]

Originally posted by jmargel

How is your mom? Is she the same way? Do you have any other family members you can talk to?

If you can, try to get out of that household to at least live with another family member.

 

I have a really small family, all of which live out of state. I dont know of anyone that I could talk to without them turning around and telling my parents. I dont want this to happen because I'm afraid this would only aggrivate my parents even more.

 

I have tried to move out but my parents say that I am their responsibility and cannot move out. There are other families that are willing to take me in. But, I'm basically stuck under their roof.

 

If you'd like to keep tabs on me or know more about my situation please check in with my online journal - http://www.livejournal.com/users/hanging_by_hope/ I look forward to hearing from you all!

 

-Susanna-

[WWDDFD]

Originally posted by zanna

-My parents are the all American, sober, country-club, wealthy, politicans.

-I am an only child and turning 16 in 2 days.

-I am extremely attractive - long blonde hair, blue eyes, feminine features..

-I am 5'6" and 130 pounds.

-I currently have a 3.4 GPA at duPont Manual High School (16th best public high school in America). Last semester and freshman year I had a 3.0.

-I've been playing Varsity lacrosse since feshman year and Varsity field hockey this year. (my parents pay for my sports)

-I have 3 really close friends: Jessica, Kassie, and Johnny. Jessica is an attention-craving 16 year old girl who is dating a 19 year old. Kassie is also immature. Johnny is 2 years older than I am, 17; we have been dating since January 2003. - we see eachother once a week.

-I'm not intellectually curious and would rather be on the phone with Johnny or on the computer than studying.

-I am somewhat of a "grunge" "goth", yet have an extremely spunky attitude.

 

With all this said, my dad is constantly insulting me. He says I am...

-"fat".

-"caught in a rut."

-"without friends". He claims that my friendships are being restricted by Johnny. Ex. Johnny comes to my lacrosse games to support me. Dad says that my teammates feel threatend by him being there and therefore won't approach me.

-"waisting intelligence". He calls a 3.4 GPA bad.

-"without passion". (besides wanting to see Johnny all the time)

-"a failure at life".

-"immature." My psychiatrist said that I was mature for my age. My dad also called her a witchdoctor and wouldn't allow me to see her after our first session.

-"ungrateful". Dad wouldn't open my present I got him for Christmas. He tried to burn it in the fire but I snatched it back from him. I always say thank you when my parents do something nice or go out of their way for me.

-"spoiled". I had to buy my own food for 2 weeks over the summer. I buy all of my clothes.

-"disrespectful". All adults like me. I went to cotillion for 3 years and learned very good manors.

 

I was told that if I kept my belongings cleaned up and my grades up I could have more freedoms.

These freedoms included:

-riding with other teenage drivers that have been driving for over 6 months.

-going to prom with my boyfriend.

-getting my cell phone back (he took my last 2 because I talked too much).

-keeping my car (my dad bought a new car and gave me his old one).

-going out at night.

 

Throughout highschool I have battled my share of depression. Last year I started:

-cutting my hips, arms, and wrists. Johnny made me stop.

-drinking. Johnny made me stop.

-smoking. Johnny made me stop.

It seems that Johnny is the only thing that is keeping me sane. Still, he is the one thing that my parents want me to get rid of.

 

Last night I was going on a double date to LazerBlaze (Lazer Tag). I was suppose to meet my friends there at 6:00. My dad said that he would swing by the house at 5:45 to take me, since I'm still not allowed to ride with my friends in their cars. Come 6:10, I called him on his cell phone to see if he was on his way. He was at the country club playing backgammon with his friends and said he would step out shortly. He came home around 6:25ish and we were driving down our street when he rants about how I'm so spoiled and he shouldn't have inconvenienced himself by taking me, that he should still be with his friends. Then he asked me if I thought I was spoiled. I said no, because I honestly don't think I am. He slammed on the breaks and went back to our house. He then told me to get out of the "F-ing car", that he was going back to the country club, and that I wasn't going to get anything for my birthday (in 2 days). My friends came by the house to see where I was and found me crying my eyes out. They tried to get me to get in the car with them and go out anyway, but I refused.

 

My friends and their parents all agree that I do not deserve how my parents treat me. Several of my friends (including Johnny) are contemplating calling child protection services but I really don't want them to.

 

Any advice?

Is this normal?

Is this considered abuse?

 

 

 

Your parents sound kind of like mine... they are perfectionists.

 

I'm having issues with mine as well at the moment, so I'm not sure how much I can help, since I'm trying to figure it all out too.

 

 

 

But basically, they constantly tell me that I'm not good enough, I'm wasting my life away, etc; and the funniest part is that I'm going on to write my third book now, and I'm only 23 years old.

 

They've screwed up my esteem beyond belief.

[zanna]

im really sorry to hear that. its nice to know that our parents want the best for us but the way they go about showing that is just wrong. ur 3rd book? what are your first 2? can i read them anywhere?

[jmargel]

Won't your bf's parents take you in? I would consider the other possibilities of moving in with another family. Your dad is an abuser and is now taking it out on your mom. Sounds likes your mom is afraid to even stick up for you because of him. You can try having a heart to heart talk with just your mom. Perhaps there are things she might tell you in confidence.

[average guy]

here's a long shot that might work with some patience - ask your mother if she would be willing to move somewhere with you and take a extended holiday away from your father together.

 

... it's just a thought, but it might help both of you if you could

 

A.G.

[ladyangel]

Okay, I'm going to try not to make this a personal attack on the girl who originated this thread. All I can say is, go to her personal website, which she put a link to in one of her posts here, and read it. Read her journal entries. I'm a parent, and some of the stuff she says there appalls me. It also tends to make me doubt some of the things she wrote in her first post.

 

Being a parent and having raised teenagers, I know that there are always two sides to every story and that teenagers have a tendency to exaggerate a parent's treatment of them. My son used to think I was horrible. Now, looking back, he says I was a great mom and that sometimes I should have actually been even more strict with him.

 

After reading some of the things this girl says on her website, the attitude she exudes, comments about her boyfriend, sex, her history of drinking, drugs, doing things behind her parents' back, etc., she sounds more like a spoiled brat than someone who is being abused. I realize that all teenagers at some time lie to their parents to protect themselves, but the way she came across in this thread compared to the way she comes off on her website are almost two different people. For instance, look at her entry from today, April 6th. And this girl just turned 16!

 

Whether she is being abused or whether she is just an attention-seeking brat, she definitely needs to seek counselling.

 

If you'd like to keep tabs on me or know more about my situation please check in with my online journal - http://www.livejournal.com/users/hanging_by_hope/ I look forward to hearing from you all!

[zanna]

Originally posted by ladyangel

After reading some of the things this girl says on her website, the attitude she exudes, comments about her boyfriend, sex, her history of drinking, drugs, doing things behind her parents' back, etc., she sounds more like a spoiled brat than someone who is being abused.

 

The way I react to things may be different than the way other people react to things.

 

I'm not saying that I'm the perfect child because I surely am not.

 

Yes I have drank to "drown my sorrows" (I quit), no I have never tried drugs (though I have considered them), yes I have smoked cigarettes so I could look forward to something throughout the day (I quit), yes I have cut class (2wice this year, once being today - I hadn't seen my bf for 2 weeks. last period was science and i have an A in there), yes I have cut myself to redirect my pain (I quit), and no I have never had sex. I havent drank since Halloween. I havent smoked since last September. I havent cut myself since Christmas Break.

 

I by no means would say I am spoiled. Yes my parents pay for my sports. I have had to buy my own food. I split the price of clothes with my mom. I have to pay for our country club that I never go to. I buy everything except the necessities.

 

Never in my life have I been called a brat.

 

The person on my website may seem different than the person on this forum. It's different talking with other teens, those who decide if youre "cool" or not, than it is with other mature adults. Keep that in mind. And keep an open mind. It's not like I'm going to lay out all of the details of my life on a website.

[ladyangel]

Originally posted by zanna

The way I react to things may be different than the way other people react to things.

 

I'm not saying that I'm the perfect child because I surely am not.

 

Yes I have drank to "drown my sorrows" (I quit), no I have never tried drugs (though I have considered them), yes I have smoked cigarettes so I could look forward to something throughout the day (I quit), yes I have cut class (2wice this year, once being today - I hadn't seen my bf for 2 weeks. last period was science and i have an A in there), yes I have cut myself to redirect my pain (I quit), and no I have never had sex. I havent drank since Halloween. I havent smoked since last September. I havent cut myself since Christmas Break.

 

I by no means would say I am spoiled. Yes my parents pay for my sports. I have had to buy my own food. I split the price of clothes with my mom. I have to pay for our country club that I never go to. I buy everything except the necessities.

 

Never in my life have I been called a brat.

 

The person on my website may seem different than the person on this forum. It's different talking with other teens, those who decide if youre "cool" or not, than it is with other mature adults. Keep that in mind. And keep an open mind. It's not like I'm going to lay out all of the details of my life on a website.

Whatever you say. Your website speaks for itself, unless you've gone and changed it since my post. I still stand by my advice - you need counselling.