He avoided me when I needed him most! The "Good Parent" Ruse ....

[Hesitant4Now]

My father died of cancer last month, after a heart-wrenching 3-week hospitalization, with me & other family staying w/ him in shifts. My S.O. of 5 months - who's a divorced dad of a preteen - knew of my father's terminal illness, and emphasized that "I'll be there for you," with the usual professions of love . . .

 

My father deteriorated rapidly in the hospital, and by Day 3 was groaning & struggling in pain in the ICU, even with sedation and physical restraints. I was understandably distraught but not tearful or hysterical, and called my S.O. to meet for comfort & support. He couldn't see me on Day 2 because his daughter was staying over that night, & I understood because I'd called on short notice. I'd called him on Day 3 at 5 p.m. & we'd agreed we'd meet at @ 9 p.m., so he'd have time to drop off his daughter at his ex's home.

 

At 8:45 p.m., the nurses made me leave the ICU; the only thing that held me together was knowing I'd soon be in the arms of my S.O. When he answered his cell phone, I heard a crowd cheering in the background [?!!?] I figured he was watching a game on TV while waiting for me . . . but he explained that he might be an hour late in meeting me, because he & his daughter were at a basketball game [on a school night ?!!!?], & she'd won "Fan of the Game."

 

I've been out the "relationship" loop for a while, but SHOULDN'T HE HAVE ANTICIPATED THAT I NEEDED HIM TO BE WITH ME?!!!? He insisted on meeting at the 9 p.m. time - he claimed his daughter usually leaves the games by half-time, & it was special that she wanted to stay with him longer. Needless to say, I completely lost my cool, was bawling & hysterical over the phone, alone in my car, & blurted out that we were over.

 

My anger at him got me through the next few days, but I started to have second thoughts that I'd been rash, that maybe I'd miscommunicated or misunderstood the meeting arrangements. I swallowed my pride & called him -- we seemed to reconcile over the phone, and we talked @ every 3 days. [He never came by the hospital to check on me, though.]

 

He was by my side during my father's viewing & funeral, & I visited him at his home a couple of times. He insisted on seeing me the following Sunday, even though I had to catch up on overdue work at the office. Since I still felt guilty about my past actions, I rearranged my schedule to comply -- only to have him later tell me we could only meet for dinner, because his daughter had decided to stay with him for the day .... We had dinner after he'd dropped off his daughter, but I was angry, despondent, & broke up with him again the next day.

 

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!! He preached that a single parent has to put his child first, & I must understand - but this had never been an issue until

1) our daughters met & bonded immediately, &

2) my father went into the hospital.

 

I counter: I'm extremely protective of my own 11 y.o. daughter, but children need to learn that parents need time alone to be with adult friends &/or dates.

 

I'm remorseful again, but fear that I've naively given my heart to someone who's:

1) afraid of commitment,

2) can't be bothered with "emotional" scenes,

3) was just with me for the physical aspects

4) enjoys jerking me around, &

5) cloaks his motives behind a "good father" facade.

 

As background - I'm a divorced, 43 y.o. mom, single again for 5 yrs. I'd only dated casually until my S.O., because I'm still gun shy fleeing a 12 yr. marriage when my ex became emotionally, then physically abusive [he used the "kick the wife" outlet after successive job losses].

 

S.O.'s marriage ended when his wife announced she was having a long-term affair behind his back, then walked out. He waited over a year before filing for divorce papers, which were finalized 8 months ago. She remarried 3 wks. after the divorce was final, to another guy [not her paramour].

[befuddled11]

First of all, I'm very sorry for the loss of your father

 

Secondly....I suppose there could be several possible reasons for his "behavior"...like maybe he's the type of person who doesn't know how to comfort someone who's going through a painful time, so he makes excuses and behaves insensitively. Or maybe he is just a selfish person and only wants the "perks" of a relationship, as opposed to giving anything of himself when his partner needs him the most. Could be other possibilities, too.

 

But the bottom line is.....he wasn't there for you. And after 5 months together, he should have been...in some way, shape or form. Whether it was offering to make you dinner because he knew you were worn out physically and emotionally........or giving you a card to let you know he was thinking about you........or just being there for you, without you having to "ask him to be there"..so that you could cry, talk, etc.

 

By the way, had he ever actually met your father? I suppose if he hadn't, he might not have come to see you all in the hospital because he didn't feel it proper to intrude on such a personal time.

 

The "excuses" with his daughter appeared to be just that. You're a single Mom yourself......so he nor anybody can say "well he was just being a good parent" because you know how you'd have acted, had the tables been reversed.

 

I would wonder if he's really got much "invested" in this relationship with you. Doesn't sound like it.

 

When you needed him most, if nothing else, as a friend, he just wasn't there....and he made it painfully clear that his child took total precedence. That's unacceptable.

 

You were right to end it, the first time and the second time. Don't go back on your decision. You may be out of the dating loop, but this isn't really about how dating is now..it's more about basic human compassion and caring...and he sunk the boat on that one. He doesn't deserve another chance. I might not be surprised at this behavior of his if you were only together for a couple of weeks, but surely not after 5 months.

 

There are good men out there.......who would treat you much better. This guy is a selfish, coldhearted, unreliable loser...and one who uses his child when it's convenient.

 

Shame on him. But thank goodness you've seen what he's all about.

 

Don't be discouraged, though......and don't settle for less (which he is).

 

Has he tried to reconcile since you dumped him? Has he tried to apologize? Just curious. I'm sure he just doesn't "get it" or else he is just a really self-absorbed d*ck who's only looking for the fun/good times and smooth sailing. Maybe there was a reason his wife cheated?

[Velveteel]

When something terrible happens in your life, you want to know that you are your boyfriend's top priority. Unfortunately, when he's a single dad--especially if he's trying to be a good father--he is already conflicted about his obligations and priorities. Your instinct was to break up with him. Probably you're right. These issues would return, and since you don't like the choice he made this time, you probably won't like the choice he'll make next time.

 

No need to regard him as a complete jerk, though. It sounds as if he has a very lucky daughter. And who knows what sense of fatherly duty and love might have been stirred in him just by the fact that your father was dying?

[SoleMate]

There are needs. Yes, the child comes first if the needs are equal. But your father's impending death ranks way higher than his daughter's sports event. I just wouldn't even want to be near someone who was so cold or so insensitive that they did not rush to be with you at a time like that. You had already flexed a lot so he could "be there for you", and he wasn't.

 

Befuddled said it very well. This is about basic human needs, and grief at a parent's impending death. If he was not there for you then, on one of the times in your life when you needed him most, what on earth would allow you to be worthy of his presence?

 

By the way, you have my permission to be tearful and hysterical when someone you love is slipping painfully away. And any whole, healthy person who loves you will move MOUNTAINS to comfort you in some way when you are suffering like that. And if he has done anything to make you think that tears at such a time are a crime to be punished, he really doesn't deserve you, or maybe any human being.

 

The "parent" line is just a thin excuse. There are beaucoup caring, compassionate men out there who would love nothing better than to hold you and comfort you when you need them. They even take pride in it...not run away.

 

Go ahead and date him for jollies, but realize that he can't be trusted as anything more.

[Hesitant4Now]

To all:

 

Thanks for your posts ... my friends and family have been telling me the same thing, but somehow the advice feels more "real" coming from someone who doesn't know me, who doesn't feel compelled to sugar-coat the truth ....

 

To befuddled11 - No, my ex-S.O. has made no attempts to apologize or reconcile - he says, 'You told me it was over, so it is!" Guess that makes him my ex-S.O.B.!!

 

I'm glad I found this site - keep up the good work ....