sb129 Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 Those of you that know me know that my country has suffered a catastrophic event in the last few days. Its been horrible, and as the disaster unfolds, its apparent that its going to take a long time to recover from this. The economy is going to suffer, and it wasn't that great to start with. I personally haven't been directly affected by the disaster, and my heart aches for those who have. Today, I have noticed what could potentially be an indirect effect of the disaster which could affect me. Basically, our business phones have stopped ringing. Work is patchy at best, and looking into the diary I think its going to get worse- I am not in the line of business that is important in the time of national crisis. This worries me, because while we still have our home, we have bills to pay. We have a large sum of capital sunk into a business that my husband is trying to set up, however he is still in a salaried job, and we could pull the capital if things got really bad. So point is, tonight I came home from work voicing my concerns. (They aren't nearly as bad as many others, but they are real to me right now). H starts talking about how it might affect his business too. I pointed out that he still has his salaried job and that combined with my income is our primary income and what we live off. I got mad because he isn't the greatest listener at the best of times and this business he is setting up consumes most of his waking moments when he isn't at work. I felt unsupported and I felt like he hadn't listened to me- I wanted a turn to talk about my concerns about our immediate income loss and what we were going to do about it. I also feel very low on his list of priorities, because while he holes up in his office I get the bills paid, arrange the meals, organise our daughter, do the washing etc. He does do stuff here and there but pretty much lets everything pile up around him. he is disorganised, messy and unreliable EXCEPT when it comes to his business project. HE feels unsupported because I tell him this from time to time and he says that I am trying to stop him from getting going on this business. I'm not- but its hard. I spend most evenings alone at home, and I feel like I manage and run the household by myself. We go to bed at different times and we get up at different times. This thing is consuming us, and we haven't even had time together to appreciate how lucky we are that we haven't been directly affected by the earthquake. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 SB You are understandably reassessing what is important and what really matters after what has happened in NZ. Life is fragile and can be cut unexpectedly short. This has made you look at your life and you see the negatives that under better circumstances you have seen as maybe not ideal but can be dealt with whilst the business is developed. Just as you feel unsupported, you can see that your H can also feel this way. This is good because you are not looking at this as black and white and want to find a solution that works for you both. Tell him that you do need some time from him when you are just a couple - or couple plus Wonderbaby - and that work does have to stop sometimes. He will still have to put in a lot of time (especially if business is not so good) and you do need to understand that but he also has to understand that he needs to spend time with the people who he is doing this for. Now go and give that man of yours a hug - you are all bound to be feeling in need of some TLC at this time Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 Don't give up talking to him. If he won't listen to you, write him a letter , a loving heartfelt one and get him to sit down beside you to read it. Keep this letter about love and how much you need him, miss him and want to spend husband/wife time with him. The other issue, and this has to be a 'talk' at some point, he needs to step it up at home. You cant do it all!! He has to pull his share, pay the bills too, not put it all on you. ANd, he has to learn to MAKE time for you! To hold you, listen to you and not fluff you off like you don't count. Sorry you're feeling this way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sb129 Posted February 23, 2011 Author Share Posted February 23, 2011 We talked today after sleeping in separate rooms. I told him I needed more support with the day to day stuff and that I really did support his dream but I couldn't rely on it financially just yet. He said he knew he was bad at listening and would try and be more supportive with the little stuff. We both agree we are exhausted and feeling under pressure and our emotions are frayed after the weeks events. We agreed to try and make some financial adjustments so we can afford to help out with the earthquake appeal. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 ((hugs)) sb. Sorry to hear about this and wish I'd been in your thread sooner to at least give some support, if not any solutions. It appears that the two of you have found middle ground which speaks well for your maturity level. It's a tough situation to be in since it's more about timing than anything else. As a thought, is there any way for the two of you to have some alone time together or maybe once a month, splurge on bringing in some domestic help to alleviate the stress for both of you? I know money might be getting short but your relationship and emotional sanity are more important than perhaps getting another toy for your baby or sinking more money into the fledgling business. ((hugs)) again and good vibes. Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 Awww, (((hugs))) SB. I'm glad you were able to talk about it with WB. The suggestion to get some couples time is a good one, as is the idea of sharing household responsibilities more equitably. Be good to yourselves, give your daughter and husband an extra hug in gratitude that you're all okay, and around to even have this disagreement to work through. (((hugs))) Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 I'm sorry SB *hugs* Things can get tough when you're both exhausted and stressed. It seems like hubby is putting everything he has in to the business thinking that's what's best for the family. Me might feel like there is a lot of weight on his shoulders with the business hopefully becoming profitable. I'm glad you guys got a chance to talk and refocus on the relationship a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sb129 Posted February 23, 2011 Author Share Posted February 23, 2011 It seems like hubby is putting everything he has in to the business thinking that's what's best for the family. Me might feel like there is a lot of weight on his shoulders with the business hopefully becoming profitable. This is exactly it. He does, and he said as much. I feel pressure to earn for us right now, he is in a bigger picture head space. The business has huge potential, and we are both quite excited about getting it off the ground later this year. However potential needs work to translate it into profit,and I can't do much to contribute to it just at the moment as he is the brains behind the raw product. We have some friends coming to stay this weekend, they are earthquake refugees (seems so weird to use that word to describe our friends), and we are far luckier than they are so we reminded ourselves of that. They have no home and no jobs. Also, my mum is coming to stay soon so we might take the chance and book a hotel for the night. Thanks everyone- talking through problems makes them so much easier to deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sb129 Posted February 23, 2011 Author Share Posted February 23, 2011 is there any way for the two of you to have some alone time together or maybe once a month, splurge on bringing in some domestic help to alleviate the stress for both of you? I know money might be getting short but your relationship and emotional sanity are more important than perhaps getting another toy for your baby or sinking more money into the fledgling business. I agree with this, which is why we already have domestic help- if we didn't it would be even worse! Alone time is coming- WB came home from work briefly this morning and we took the kids for a walk and talked, it was really nice. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 I agree with this, which is why we already have domestic help- if we didn't it would be even worse! Alone time is coming- WB came home from work briefly this morning and we took the kids for a walk and talked, it was really nice. Glad to hear this. Romantic time alone might also help to reconnect when you're both being run off your feet. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 Hi SB, I heard about what happened in your country an I am truly sorry. It's a tragedy, I live in a very seismic region and I know how scary it is. My country has also mourned the loss of many lives. I can only hope that your loved ones are safe and that the rescue teams manage to save as many lives as possible. My heart does go out to your people. As for your troubles, try not to worry too much. It's a stressful time for both of you. You will just have to be patient as much as you possibly can until things get better. Men are not very good at communication and I know how frustrating this can be. I am glad that you worked things out. As long as the both of you can continue resolve problems as they come up, you'll be OK. Marriage and children especially in the beginning are a tough phase. It comes with the package so to speak. What's important is not letting frustration and grievances pile up. Somehow, I don't think either one of you will. Take care and try to stay calm through it all. M Link to post Share on other sites
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